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I spent the weekend looking at a house for myself and the kids when I move out. I will have them one week then him the next week. He is going to remain in the matrimonial home. He has said I should buy the house and decorate the rooms for the kids and not say anything until they are ready to move in. My oldest son who is 10 almost 11 loves those house hunting shows and has told me if I ever get a new home he wants to see it before we buy ( thinking the family would move not just me). I was going to give the kids a say in the home and their rooms. Is my ex right. Just wanting to see if anyone has gone through this and how it turned out
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Based on my personal experience, you are right in thinking that the kids should know as early as possible, so they can 'ease' into the situation and have the opportunity to be involved, after all, they will be the most affected by this. They might feel more angry, betrayed and feel like they were not really considered at all, if they were to be advised of the situation much later. Many of the self-help material that i have read cater to this notion of 'better to advise as early as possible'.
Preparing them for their new life goes beyond setting up the physical aspects of their new home/s. To a larger part, it is their emotional well being that gets overlooked.
In my case, we have not done the actual split but are getting there (same as you, i am actively checking out places and plan to bring my kids with me once i have a short list).
Early during last easter weekend we delivered the news to our younger child (11); the older child is 20 and we told him months ago. Like you, my stbx tried to delay, divert, etc. the announcement. But i stuck to my guns. My maternal instincts told me this is the way to go. Despite all our preparations, the younger child was inconsolable during the announcement, was angry (mostly to me as i am the one who wants to leave and my stbx made sure that was emphasized). Over the weekend, however, as we continued to talk to our younger kid, and gave him assurance that our kids are our priority and we will work hard to ensure he sees that, and answered a gazillion questions, i think he has eased into it slowly by the time the weekend is over. I can tell by his demeanor.
As a result of delivering the news this early, many of our conversations and activities NOW, about housework -including teaching him how to do his laundry, ensuring a set schedule for homework check and completion, revolves around preparing them for their new life when i have assumed a new home and only get to see them every other week.
My intention is to equip the kids with all the skills and knowledge and good habits that i can help cement while i am here with them.
Your key question for your husband would be to ask him to put himself in the shoes of the 10 year old, who will potentially be getting that one big surprise of his life, and living a radical life change immediately the next second after.
Encourage him to focus on how he would FEEL. -
My bf and I just bought a house, closes at the end of the May... we took the kids with us, as most of our appointments were on weekends... they LOVED it, they were excited to go see new houses and we encouraged them to tell us what they liked and didn't like about the houses... while we obviously got the final say, we actually ended up picking the house the kids liked the best... mainly because of the big fenced in yard, room for expansion, area of town, etc... but they feel like they had a big part in it, which I guess in the way they did, because they liked it so much, it was one that made our list to re-look at.
Your kids know things are changing and I am sure they realize someone is going to be moving out... if it were me, I would take the kids along... it would be a nice outing for everyone.Comment
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You are getting separated. Why do you care what your ex thinks about anything anymore? Get out of the habit of even considering his opinion. Frankly, you have to start thinking of everything your ex does in terms of divorce strategy. Surely he's well aware of his son's interest in houses, so suggesting that you ignore this is likely a tactic meant to chip away at your relationship with your son.Originally posted by alisaden View Post
Your son loves the idea of househunting and wants to be involved? Involve him! Sounds like a lot of fun, and he'll be far more excited about the new living arrangements if he's part of the process than if you just spring a new room in a new house on him.Comment
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I think you should involve the kids in the house hunt.Originally posted by Rioe View Post
That being said I don't agree with Rioe's advice. You goal is to raise your kids together, but independently.
His opinion as a parent should be listened to and considered.
So I would involve the kids - it is best for them and fun. Your ex is perhaps upset himself about the whole process. Try to talk to him about your view etc - hopefully you can come to a consensus. If not, you have to make your own decisions, while considering his opinions. However, you are moving to be in two homes - decision making and day to day life etc, is moving toward two separate homes, so your're ex has to get used to that.Comment
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we didn't tell the kids until I had already found a new place to live and I believe it was a good decision for them. I didn't want them to have the uncertainty of not knowing where they were going to live in addition to all the other unsettledness in their lives. I wanted everything to be "move in" ready for them. and it was. and they loved it that way. But that's my kids and I think you need to make your best guess based on what you know of your own kids. If your son said he wanted to be involved in choosing a new house then I'd take that into strong consideration.Comment
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When I left the matrimonial home, my kids saw our new apartment once - the night before I started moving in..... I just moved again, this time a much better place & neighbourhood and again they got to see it the day I picked the keys up.... they're still young though, and this works for them.... I gave them a say in how their room was set up (which side of the room their bunkbed would go on....) but as yours is a bit older, and has expressed his interest... I think you can keep just that part of it light - almost game like.... treat it like you were actually on the show and talk to him, ask his opinion, about the different houses you look at. Talk with him, not "at" him... there is nothing quite as empowering as simply asking for & listening to their opinions!!Comment
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Unless your ex has paid you for the house, financial disclosure and equalization is agreed upon, I wouldn't move.
My ex told me he would pay me for the house, and I moved out. We share out children 50/50. 1.5 years later and I just came from the lawyer (again) and I will have to take him to court to get the $. I also need to go through court to get back into the house...I can't go into the house to get any assets as well etc...
Seek legal advice before you go anywhereComment
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Thanks, I think my husband gave his advice as he thinks he knows everything about kids as he is in the education field . I will not make an offer until
My lawyer has an agreement signed. Yes the oldest will be 11 and the youngest is 8. Rio thanks for the advice but I do listen to his advice if I believe he is thinking if the kids. I just don't know here. I have no friends who are psychologistsComment
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