Gatekeeper

[CCB]

Any advice on how to deal with a parent who has it in their head that they are the children's gatekeeper?

This year is my husband's Easter with the kids. It falls on the ex's weekend. He wrote her an email last month reminding her that it was his Easter this year and even though it fell on her weekend, that the kids would be with him Good Friday through Easter Monday. She wrote back and said that he could have them Saturday at 4:30 until Monday at 4:30 "and then you would have them for Easter".

[wretchedotis]

Do you have a court order?
Does it state good friday through to easter monday?

If so, show up with the document, and try to excercise your access.
Should the other side refuse, call the police to document the refusal.

Thats about all you can do.

[Tayken]

Any advice on how to deal with a parent who has it in their head that they are the children's gatekeeper?

This year is my husband's Easter with the kids. It falls on the ex's weekend. He wrote her an email last month reminding her that it was his Easter this year and even though it fell on her weekend, that the kids would be with him Good Friday through Easter Monday. She wrote back and said that he could have them Saturday at 4:30 until Monday at 4:30 "and then you would have them for Easter".

Based on the questions you keep posting to the board I highly recommend you request that a parental coordinator be engaged. I would go on motion and provide the names of 3 parental coordinators and have the judge decide. The amount of conflict in the matters you keep posting is only going to escalate with the other parent. There are numerous mediators that can work in a situation like this and negotiate these arrangements without so much conflict. Especially if there is a court order in place defining the custody and access of the children.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[wretchedotis]

I'm not sure a third party would help, if one side simply refuses to honour the other side's access.

A 'no' to a third party is still a 'no'.

[Berner_Faith]

What does the Separation Agreement or Court Order state?

Is one extra day something to really fight about? If he really does want the Friday-Monday, and it is not in his agreement/order, I would accept what she is saying, and then seek to make the appropriate changes...

I understand how frustrating it is, but I don't think its worth ruining the children's Easter over.

[CCB]

He decided not to bother engaging in conflict with her about it. Their current agreement states only that Easter is to alternate year to year, very vague.

He has a conciliation appt on Tuesday and one of the items on the table is to more clearly define the Easter weekend.

I guess what's most frustrating is the assumption on her part that he must always first obtain her "permission" to access the kids during his court ordered time. She's all nice if he kisses her butt and "asks" her, but if he "notifies" her, ass goes in a knot and it's "no" but for no reason, just because.

[Tayken]

He decided not to bother engaging in conflict with her about it. Their current agreement states only that Easter is to alternate year to year, very vague.

He has a conciliation appt on Tuesday and one of the items on the table is to more clearly define the Easter weekend.

I guess what's most frustrating is the assumption on her part that he must always first obtain her "permission" to access the kids during his court ordered time. She's all nice if he kisses her butt and "asks" her, but if he "notifies" her, ass goes in a knot and it's "no" but for no reason, just because.

Sounds like "control" issues with the other party. The court order needs more punch and clarity. Go on motion to get it.

[Tayken]

Do you have a court order?
Does it state good friday through to easter monday?

If so, show up with the document, and try to excercise your access.
Should the other side refuse, call the police to document the refusal.

Thats about all you can do.

Don't call the police unless there is a police enforcement clause. The police have no business in family matters and only escalate the conflict. Most police are not properly trained to even deal with family (domestic) situations.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[wretchedotis]

I guess what's most frustrating is the assumption on her part that he must always first obtain her "permission" to access the kids during his court ordered time. She's all nice if he kisses her butt and "asks" her, but if he "notifies" her, ass goes in a knot and it's "no" but for no reason, just because.

I think this is fairly common. I face it all the time. If you figure a way out on how to change someones mind-set on this - please share.

Don't call the police unless there is a police enforcement clause. The police have no business in family matters and only escalate the conflict. Most police are not properly trained to even deal with family (domestic) situations.

Good Luck!
Tayken

I have used calling the police with great success as a means of documenting the other sides denial of access. The trick is, do not have the police engage with the children. Call them and have them meet you at the nearest coffee shop, show them your documents - and ask them to call and confirm that the other side is denying access.

Tell the police that you do not wish for them to attend the residence, as you are concerned with the possible repercussions to the children being exposed to the conflict.

They will be happy to oblige - and viola, you have a police report that you can use in court.

[Rioe]

I guess what's most frustrating is the assumption on her part that he must always first obtain her "permission" to access the kids during his court ordered time. She's all nice if he kisses her butt and "asks" her, but if he "notifies" her, ass goes in a knot and it's "no" but for no reason, just because.

Wow, I guess I should feel more lucky than I have been about having the opposite problem. My ex treats me like I'm a gatekeeper, and I don't recall ever doing anything to make him think that. Every time he suggests something to do with the kids, I tell him it sounds like a great idea and he should do it, but he always approaches me like he's expecting a resounding 'no.' I wonder if I'm coming across as a gatekeeper unintentionally?

If I ever do have to say no because it doesn't work with my plans, I'm going to feel super-guilty.

[Berner_Faith]

I think a lot of it depends on the type of person the other is... sometimes we have great encounters with my bf's stbx, where she will ask him if it is okay to do something with the kids (she is the primary residence), however other times, when she hears what we are doing with the kids she freaks... like taking them to a fair or something...

Rioe... saying no because you have to is not a horrible thing, hopefully when the time comes, your ex can respect the fact that every other time you have had no issue with it (and he didn't need to ask permission), but sometimes saying no has to happen, and as adults we all have to deal with it... good for you though in not telling him no...just because

[NBDad]

Definitely sounds like you need the court order clarified. Outline the pick up and drop off times, make sure that the various holidays are WELL defined and that there is a clause that mentions that holiday/vacation access supersedes the regular weekend access.

When a court order is not clear cut, you get issues like this.

[CCB]

Unfortunately NBDad, their whole Separation Agreement is a bunch of vague clauses LOL. It was drafted before either of them had met significant others and they were still in the "we're remaining friends" fantasy world where everybody is reasonable and nobody would do that LOL. Boy, how things change when new partners enter the picture!

Anyway, tomorrow is the conciliation appt, I hope he will be able to get some better clarification out of it.

[May_May]

Can you self represent and put together a bunch of 'fixes' for the gaps in the original agreement ?

[CCB]

Yup, that's what he's doing this afternoon. Although, the ex's lawyer stalled just long enough...she had twins yesterday. She wasn't planning to attend anyway, sending her lawyer, but we're doubtful anything will come of today.

I hope we're wrong, I'll post what happens!