Distance Parenting: Is 2 daycares too much?

[Que_Ont_mom]

Our son is 3 1/2 and is attending daycare in Quebec. His father lives in Ontario (moved there in August when we split). We are in the process of family mediation and are having difficulty agreeing on our son's living arrangments. Currently our son has visited his dad for 1 week at a time for the last 3 months, with the grandmother taking care of him during the day while father is at work. So far we have alternated who does the traveling back and forth to Ontario and Quebec. The Father would like to increase the amount of time our son is with him and would like him visit for 2 weeks at a time. However, the grandmother is no longer available to watch him during the day and the father has found a new daycare.
I am writing as the mother who would like very much for the father to be actively involved in her son's life. However, I feel very strongly that 2 weeks away at a new daycare would be a difficult adjustment for our 3 1/2 year old. I think that 1 week a month at this new daycare (including both weekends on each side of the week in Ontario) would be a better solution
Am I being unreasonable? Any suggestions??

[Tracy123]

I think if the father is being active in the childs life then he should see him as much as possible. I think I'd have a hard time with not seeing my kids for 2 weeks in a row, but it would be about what's best for the kids, not how I feel. I think you may want to be looking ahead though. He's 3 and 1/2? So won't he be gong to school in September? Figuring that part out should be the focus. Is he going to go to school near you or him or somewhere in the middle? Kids are pretty easily adaptable to a situation, espically at his age. The travel distance is a bit of a pain in the a$$, but why not do week on week off?

[Berner_Faith]

I agree with Tracey, week on, week off should be the way to go... if 50/50 is possible in the future this would make it easier... however, once school starts this may change, but this would be the time when you offer school breaks to the other parent... such as every march break, maybe all 6 weeks in the summer, something to give him as close to equal parenting as you can. It is in the childs best interest to see the other parent as much as possible, and like Tracy said... as much as your feelings and emotions get in the way, its about the best interest of the child.

[Que_Ont_mom]

Hi,
Thanks both of you for your messages.
One week here, one week there unfortunately wont work because the drive is 6-7 hours each way.. This is really a major difficulty and means a whole day in the car/in transit.

You're also right about focusing on the school situation. However, this is currently an unknown. I am applying for jobs in Ontario so that we can be closer and more weekly visits/living arrangements will be possible. However, I haven't had any offers yet. In Quebec school starts at SK (age 5) not JK so the plan is that if we stay in Quebec, we could continue with our current arrangement (i.e. he will continue at the daycare here for another year and visit Ontario for 1 or 2 week periods per month).

My primary question is about the psychological pros/cons of visiting for 2 week periods and attending a new daycare and switching between two lives that are so physically distinct at this age. I know that the issue of "equal parenting time" vs. "stability with one primary caregiver" is a debate. Does the pro of spending all of this quality time with dad (which I don't want to downplay) outweigh the difficulty of being away (which I don't want to downplay either - he has never been away for 2 weeks before)??
Your perspective is helpful.

[Berner_Faith]

Why not try to put yourself in Dads shoes and then see what you think would be suitable... would it be suitable for you only to see the child 1 week a month? Would you be okay with that? Or would you ask Dad to allow you to have equal time with 2 weeks per month?

The reasoning for this is, and you will notice on this board, it is often said when someone asks "my ex is relocating and is proposing that I only have this and this as access" they are told to turn that around and offer that exact thing to the ex, but with them being the primary caregiver... thinking of it like this will give you a better perspective.

You have a father who wants to be equally involved and he deserves kudos for that. 2 weeks seems long, but when you think about how YOU feel about not having your child for 2 weeks, think about how Dad feels about not seeing his son for 3 weeks?

Children this young will adapt, and seeing as you are making plans to move to Ontario (Good for you!), the child is young enough to adjust to this schedule and when you do make the move, the only thing to change (maybe) will be the length of the drive.

Kids have fun, they don't really think about missing the other parent all day long...sure they miss them, but why not skype with the child?

[sahibjee]

tribute to both parents who are trying to work things out here, i appreciate the mom who is even looking for work in ontario so that the child can see the father more often.

though i agree that 2 weeks away from your child may seem long to you, but it is also equally long for the child to be away from either, as well as the father. we have to remember, there are three parties involved here, two are in decision making power one is not, therefore the interest of the party who cannot make choices i.e. the child should be put first. and that is to have both parents equally.

now as far as the daycare goes, two weeks is actually better than one, he will see that place as some sort of permanence and not just as a flash, same with the day care you are sending him to.

the school point that was brought up was very good. i hope for the child's sake both of you can work in the same geographical area so that he can continue to see both parent's equally.