Dealing with sick kids

[Tracy123]

I have far to many questions and lawyers are expensive. Plus you guys have been a great resorce for me. Thank you again. So........the kids came home extremly sick. X didn't even tell me. No note in communication book, no email, no phone call, not even to my face at drop off. We had first agreed to telling each other when we first went to the hospital then again after visit. We then agreed to only after the hospital visit. He then changed his mind and demanded to know before and after. He verbally abuse's me via phone and in front of the children, not to mention belittle's me in the communication book. Anyways, I texted when the first child needed to go to the er. He turned it into an attack against me and nothing to do with the kids. Texted when left er. Once again turned into attack on me. He then expect daily updates about how there doing, then truns them into attacks against me. Second child needs to go to the hospital. Call this time. Demands to know symptoms (when I've updated him all day, that turned into how I got a lawyer and he's broke blah blah) state symptoms again, maybe not in a nice tone. Text him how it went, which he never responded too. Most updates aren't responded to until he's at work. Actually most of the email abuse only occurs while he's at work. So here's my question, ealry statges of agreement, what do you guys do with illness's and communicating about them? I can't take the crap on top of sick kids. Any suggestions? And what should I do for now? Keep calling/texting before and after?

Thanks again everyone!

[mcdreamy]

I don't now and have never told him anything, on my time, when it comes to standard illnesses (i.e. flu, ear infections). I take her to the doctor/er, get the prescriptions, then give them to him when he picks up with the written instructions on dosage for his time with her.

He's dropped her off before, extremely sick, and to keep the harmony, I just deal with it. In the big picture, it's not that huge of an issue.

I'd stop communicating about illnesses, other than advising him at drop off what is going on, and passing medications between the two of you.

Of course, if it was something more serious, like required surgery, I'd involve him immediately, and he could choose to participate, or not.

Do you not think you might be over-communicating?

[Tracy123]

Yes I do think we're over communicating. Which was the point I was trying to make with him. I just didn't know if this somehow fell under "joint decision making" and it would some how be held against me if I stoped giving him the heads up. The coming home sick, isn't that big of a deal. I would've just liked to have known weather meds were given and when. One little guy has pretty bad Asthma and tends to drop quickly. The letting him know at drop off was what I had suggested, he flew off the handle saying he had every right to know. Then emails me after talking to his lawyer stating "expects" to be notified, but if I choose to thats my prerogative. I'm trying to be co-operative, but is there such thing as being over co-operative? I'm starting to feel like I'm being pushed around.

[Tracy123]

I should add, I would of caurse notify him if it was something MAJOR that say needed surgery . It's the little things I'm dealing with at the moment. Ear infections and such.

[hadenough]

He sounds like a total asshole. Keep your communications brief and preferably point form. You do not have to put up w/any of his verbal abuse. Don't engage him. Is this a serious, chronic illness you are referring to, or flu-like symptoms? I tried the communication book thing. It didn't work for us. And then the cat pissed on it lol, while it was in a gym bag that must have had a scent from ex's house (dog/rabbit?) - so that pretty much ended the book thing. Actually I started up another one after that, but it was just another way for x to spout off his abusive bs.

[hadenough]

Short-list your "reasons" to communicate w/him. He is just causing you more stress.

[Tracy123]

Can your cat come piss on mine? lol I do keep all communication brief and to the point. I just don't know where I can "leagally" draw the line. It's unpleasent having the cell vibrate like crazy, knowing full well who it is and what there saying, all while trying to get a simple diagnosis for a sick child. Which is why I wanted to stop it. The Asthma I would list as managable. I have it and can spot an attack long before he ever has one. The other little guy had a simple virus, he got sick first and was emailing/texting about 3 times a day (during buisness hours only after 5 he's to busy to bother which at least gives me a break!). I tried to co-operate with asking if we could only get updates once a day. Not exceptable. He states he has every right to know. Gees!

[hadenough]

Some ppl do not know HOW to cooperate. Keep it brief, simple, relevant. Ignore the tirades and bossy bs. That's why you're not w/him! no need to entertain his running off at the mouth.

[hadenough]

IE: "took Billy to Dr so and so, he has an ear infection and was prescribed "xyz" medication to be administered 3x daily, 10mg each dose. That is all. Will advise if Billy is not feeling better and requires a follow up appointment. Have a nice day"

All relevant info is communicated in above. Don't respond to anything that is not directly related to above.

[Tracy123]

Exactly what I put. But I also have to do a "taking so and so to er due to illness. Which is followed by what are all his symptoms. Why are you taking him? You have to tell me! Are you still there? Then after I say whats happend it gets followed by "don't expect me to pay for it. I have to pay for lawyer bills thanks to you" I don't engage, it just continues till 5 and then stops. Or he says he has every right know how the kids are whenever he feels like knowing.

[hadenough]

Reply: "See Previous Msg." He is basically harassing you. Yes, I get "blamed" for my X needing a lawyer and "all the money" he has spent, as legend goes, because of ME.

It's all white noise. Disengage. He sounds like my ex, drama drama drama. Good Luck n thanks for reminding me of the cat-piss incident. Got a good laugh. I'd sort of forgotten about that.

[wretchedotis]

I have far to many questions and lawyers are expensive. Plus you guys have been a great resorce for me. Thank you again. So........the kids came home extremly sick. X didn't even tell me. No note in communication book, no email, no phone call, not even to my face at drop off. We had first agreed to telling each other when we first went to the hospital then again after visit. We then agreed to only after the hospital visit. He then changed his mind and demanded to know before and after. He verbally abuse's me via phone and in front of the children, not to mention belittle's me in the communication book. Anyways, I texted when the first child needed to go to the er. He turned it into an attack against me and nothing to do with the kids. Texted when left er. Once again turned into attack on me. He then expect daily updates about how there doing, then truns them into attacks against me. Second child needs to go to the hospital. Call this time. Demands to know symptoms (when I've updated him all day, that turned into how I got a lawyer and he's broke blah blah) state symptoms again, maybe not in a nice tone. Text him how it went, which he never responded too. Most updates aren't responded to until he's at work. Actually most of the email abuse only occurs while he's at work. So here's my question, ealry statges of agreement, what do you guys do with illness's and communicating about them? I can't take the crap on top of sick kids. Any suggestions? And what should I do for now? Keep calling/texting before and after?

Thanks again everyone!

You sound new to seperation/divorce. Its not an emergency, even if it is. You both love your children and will make the best decision possible in times of ER and sickness and whatever. You need to (by the sounds of it) stand up on your own a little more, and then inform him after the fact as to what happened - and how everything is jsut fine now.

IDo you not think you might be over-communicating?

Kind of what I'm trying to say above.

He sounds like a total asshole.

Yes he does, but when he explains it to his sound-board / friends / whatever - so do you probably.
I was an ass to my ex shortly after breaking up - and still can be sometimes so many years later.

Just give yourself the lee-way to react poorly sometimes - yet ultimately do whats best for the kids. And hope the other side will reciprocate.

[frustratedwithex]

Stop communicating by text unless it is an emergency. Try some of the internet communication resources such as Our Family Wizord.

Search Taykens post for information on dealing with high conflict people. Bill Eddy has a web site and information on how to communicate with high conflict people.

I also took a class at my local court house on communication after divorce.

Hope this helps!

[Tayken]

So........the kids came home extremly sick. X didn't even tell me. No note in communication book, no email, no phone call, not even to my face at drop off.

I am not fond of the idea of a communication book going back and forth between parents. Generally this puts the responsiblity in the hands of a child some times for such an important information. Furthermore, children can often read them and they shouldn't.

A better solution is sharedparents.com or ourfamilywizard.com. Furthermore, a third party manages the information and it can't be tampered with.

We had first agreed to telling each other when we first went to the hospital then again after visit. We then agreed to only after the hospital visit. He then changed his mind and demanded to know before and after.

Standard behaviour pattern of non-conflicted parents.

He verbally abuse's me via phone and in front of the children, not to mention belittle's me in the communication book. Anyways, I texted when the first child needed to go to the er. He turned it into an attack against me and nothing to do with the kids. Texted when left er.

Side note on "verbal abuse". The following observations are not directed at the OP at all and are just a general statement:

Verbal abuse is a difficult topic to tackle. In order to define the abuse one would have to prove that they do not exhibit any pre-existing anxieties disorders or axis II disorders that may impact their judgement on what is being communicated to them.

I am in no way saying you are not being "verbally abused" but, to better help the situation it may be helpful to identify direct statements being made to you. There are excellent behaviour patterns that can be recommended on countering and dealing with verbal abuse. Would love to help but, without being able to identify a pattern (narcisitic rage, borderline rage, or pure histronics) in the communication the spectrum of verbal abuse is hard to address.

Once again turned into attack on me. He then expect daily updates about how there doing, then truns them into attacks against me. Second child needs to go to the hospital. Call this time. Demands to know symptoms (when I've updated him all day, that turned into how I got a lawyer and he's broke blah blah) state symptoms again, maybe not in a nice tone. Text him how it went, which he never responded too.

One way to deal with this is to request the discharge statement for any acute care (emergency/walk in clinic) encounter you have with a health care provider. Just ask the clinician to provide you with a "discharge summary". Photocopy the discharge summary 3 times. Keep the original for yourself, give one copy to the other parent and give one copy to the child's family practitioner.

That way all the important people (you, the other parent and the family practitioner) have the actual clinical information necessary to care for your children's needs.

This generally removes the challenges of communicating health care information which the vast majority of parents are not qualified in doing anyways.

Most updates aren't responded to until he's at work. Actually most of the email abuse only occurs while he's at work.

Keep the emails. You can provide them to a psychologist/psychiatrist to evaluate and help identify if they are truly abusive. They can also help you work out a way of communicating through the abuse.

So here's my question, ealry statges of agreement, what do you guys do with illness's and communicating about them? I can't take the crap on top of sick kids. Any suggestions? And what should I do for now? Keep calling/texting before and after?

Thanks again everyone!

Recommendations above. The key thing to remember is that the child (depending on age), both parents and family practitioner should know the details of the child's health.

Rather than you communicating the information you can ask the clinicians to contact the other parent and notify them. You can get the discharge summaries and medical records and provide them to the other parent. You can provide consent to the other parent to retrieve the medical records themselves to evaluate.

The best thing to do is not demonstrate any avoidance to providing information to the other parent. You have nothing to hide so, offer up every avenue for the other parent to get the information themselves.

The reality is that both parents have a responsibility to find out what is going on with their children. In your situation though, i would notify and provide others opinions when provided in the form of medical records, medical instruction directly from the clinician, etc...

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Tayken]

Stop communicating by text unless it is an emergency. Try some of the internet communication resources such as Our Family Wizord.

Search Taykens post for information on dealing with high conflict people. Bill Eddy has a web site and information on how to communicate with high conflict people.

I also took a class at my local court house on communication after divorce.

Hope this helps!

I would take frustratedwithex's advice on SMS messages. You can communicate through ourfamilywizard.com as an intermediate service that tracks the communications.

One thing you have to realize with SMS unless you have a 3rd party photograph the actual text messages on your device it is useless evidence. Service providers do not store the messages being sent between two endpoints.

Furthermore, email is a pain to have admitted into evidence beyond a motion. WorkingDad has some experience with this challenge and was successful but, it required a lot of work and a trial-within-trial just to get it admitted.

SMS is unreliable too.

Good Luck!
Tayken