Bathing question

[billm]

It's very sad to read - and not just here in this thread - the raising of children reduced to strict legalities and custodial boundaries.

"MY house", "MY time with them", "MY children" I do what I want with them so long as it's legal, and to heck with their other parent.

Children are both parents' children all the time - even when they're at the other's house. A parent deserving the title "parent" is naturally concerned when they think their children are being exposed to things that teach them life lessons they do not approve of. Of course a parent cares what their children are taught about life, social interactions, what's proper and improper, even when they're not with them. Some complete stranger is imprinting their values on their child. To dismiss them as simply conflictual and controlling is wilful ignorance.


A married couple who had differing opinions on this would have a discussion about it and work out a compromise, or at least determine if one felt much more strongly about it than the other, and try to raise the children according to a single, coherent ethic. It's a disservice to the children to subject them to confusing, inchoerent standards from one house to the other just to satisfy the parents respective feelings of "Mine".

Well put!! I couldn't agree more, and now I don't have to type it!

[billm]

I personally don't have an issue with it but for peace of mind: if you want to be certain, contact CAS and ask them what is the age as they have guidelines and who the other person would probably complaint to was to to anything about it. Inquire about the appropriate age? and ignore the nasty emails.

Ask the government if you can bath your kids naked?

Crazy.

[FightingForFamily]

Yes it's sad but people who are separated and divorced are very often not capable of having rational discussions about anything at all, in which case you're stuck drawing boundaries and defending your own decisions as a parent within your "castle".

With my own ex wife, my son is now 5 and is still using a pacifier. At my house, I only allow it when he is in bed falling asleep. It seems at my ex's house, she allows it all the time "because it calms him and he seems to have a lot of anxiety." I approached her calmly and rationally, asking about what what her rules for pacifier use were, and that our son is older now and we should discuss how we can start to transition away from pacifier use.

She vehemently defended the 5 year old using the pacifier as much as he wanted. She even claimed his doctor and dentist both supported her. What do you do at that point?

In this case, our decision to allow the children to bath together was based on our values (being comfortable and accepting our bodies, they are nothing to be hidden or ashamed of) and their comfort level. The first time any child expresses discomfort it would end of course.

As has been pointed out, my girlfriend's ex is really acting out of bitterness and anger. He uses swear words to describe me in front of the children and their mother because he can get away with it. I have never even met the guy but judge by his words and actions, and do not really bear him any will.

His feelings and perspective should be taken into consideration, but after more than a year of his random tirades it's hard to take him seriously anymore.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. We'll try to ignore him.

[bob_0101]

It's very sad to read - and not just here in this thread - the raising of children reduced to strict legalities and custodial boundaries.

"MY house", "MY time with them", "MY children" I do what I want with them so long as it's legal, and to heck with their other parent.

Children are both parents' children all the time - even when they're at the other's house. A parent deserving the title "parent" is naturally concerned when they think their children are being exposed to things that teach them life lessons they do not approve of. Of course a parent cares what their children are taught about life, social interactions, what's proper and improper, even when they're not with them. Some complete stranger is imprinting their values on their child. To dismiss them as simply conflictual and controlling is wilful ignorance.


A married couple who had differing opinions on this would have a discussion about it and work out a compromise, or at least determine if one felt much more strongly about it than the other, and try to raise the children according to a single, coherent ethic. It's a disservice to the children to subject them to confusing, inchoerent standards from one house to the other just to satisfy the parents respective feelings of "Mine".

[Tayken]

Or....what? Is he going to take you all to court and accuse you of bathing your children?

Ignore him, he's an ass.

Excellent point. Now that is a motion I would love to hear the oral arguments on and read the affidavits from.

Almost as good as the parents who go to court to try and control the other parent from reading specific children's books to their kids. (Yes, parents do waste the court's time with this!)

Good Luck!
Tayken

[TLCRN]

I personally don't have an issue with it but for peace of mind: if you want to be certain, contact CAS and ask them what is the age as they have guidelines and who the other person would probably complaint to was to to anything about it. Inquire about the appropriate age? and ignore the nasty emails.

[blinkandimgone]

The following week when her children were visiting with their Father, apparently he heard about this and sent us a nasty, threatening e-mail, claiming how inappropriate this was and should never happen again, and that he has decided he will bath this children separately from now on and demanding we do the same.

Or....what? Is he going to take you all to court and accuse you of bathing your children?

Ignore him, he's an ass.

[Tayken]

My partner and I both have young children between the ages of 1 and 4 (two boys and a girl). We are both separated.

Although we have been together for more than year, last week was the first time we had a sleepover with all of the kids at one of our homes. On this evening, we had a great time. We tossed all the kids in the bath together (huge tub) with a mountain of toys and had a blast.

The following week when her children were visiting with their Father, apparently he heard about this and sent us a nasty, threatening e-mail, claiming how inappropriate this was and should never happen again, and that he has decided he will bath this children separately from now on and demanding we do the same.

In my mind, our house, our rules, and there's nothing wrong with what we did. Normally my partner bathes both her children together (sometimes even joining them) so for us it was natural to extend it to my child. He was happy and comfortable with it, so there should be no issue.

What's all your opinions on this? At age 4 kids are old enough to ask certain questions, and we have no issue with this and answering any questions they may have.

Nothing wrong with it. Not breaking any laws. The other parent just wants conflict and to drive confusion and complexity into your relationship. It is high-conflict tactics 101 stuff.

Read: "High Conflict People in Legal Disputes" - You are not alone.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Lorac]

Personally I don't see anything wrong with it either. I don't wether or not your partners children are the girls and the boy is the oldest, but men have a tendency to be protective of their daughters right from the get go. Obviously one of the children told their father and reacted of the cuff. The sad thing about this whole business it that the children were probably having a blast but will now think twice about bathing with the others because of his reaction. No doubt he will question the children himself when they return.

[hadenough]

A simple solution for fun in the tub w/kids is to have little swim trunks on them all. Then there's no big deal at all and could be likened to a dip in a kiddy or wading pool. Little things in the early days of separation can trigger emotions it seems. I think this solution allows for the fun bath-time and should quell the anxiety (or whatever it is,) of the other parent.

Certainly the insinuation being made has a sexual undertone which is absurd in the situation, as you've described it. Keep the email. Respond to it politely, and hopefully it won't become a Federal Case. Keep your end of the email exchanges professional and refrain from derogatory comments as you never know if/when these emails may surface for other's consumption.

[CCB]

What you do during your parenting time is not for your ex to dictate. We too encountered a similar experience...we just ignored it.

The children don't seem uncomfortable about it, so I don't see a problem at their young age.

[billm]

It works for you, not for their dad.

I personally have no problem with it, but my ex and I are on the same page.

Given that the kids are not actually siblings, I would probably not do it when they were older, but at their age I don't see a problem.

Perhaps he is jealous imagining the family type scene - a new family he is not part of.

It would be best if you considered his feeling in this, as some people have some strong feelings about this. At least, recognize that he is not wrong, but simply has a different view. However, as their parent, you have a right to influence your kids too - so perhaps a middle ground can be found.

[FightingForFamily]

My partner and I both have young children between the ages of 1 and 4 (two boys and a girl). We are both separated.

Although we have been together for more than year, last week was the first time we had a sleepover with all of the kids at one of our homes. On this evening, we had a great time. We tossed all the kids in the bath together (huge tub) with a mountain of toys and had a blast.

The following week when her children were visiting with their Father, apparently he heard about this and sent us a nasty, threatening e-mail, claiming how inappropriate this was and should never happen again, and that he has decided he will bath this children separately from now on and demanding we do the same.

In my mind, our house, our rules, and there's nothing wrong with what we did. Normally my partner bathes both her children together (sometimes even joining them) so for us it was natural to extend it to my child. He was happy and comfortable with it, so there should be no issue.

What's all your opinions on this? At age 4 kids are old enough to ask certain questions, and we have no issue with this and answering any questions they may have.