Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Bad talk in front of the kids....what can I do?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Bad talk in front of the kids....what can I do?

    Hi,

    I am at my wits end and need some advice. Sorry if this is long winded but I desperately need advice to tackle this situation in the appropriate manner for the children.

    We are recently seperated. A clause was put into the seperation agreement specifically stating that my ex was not to speak ill of me at all due to past situations. Yesterday, he was at the house moving the last of his stuff (it is legally my house now, I bought him out). Our 2 youngest came over with him so I could look after them for the afternoon during the process. When he was ready to leave for the day with the kids (his regular weekend), my son complained, not wanting to go with Dad. I told him that it was Dad's time with him and I would see him again on Monday. Knowing that I had plans for the evening (but not knowing what those plans were) Dad told our S7 that "he couldn't stay with Mom because Mom had a date and she didn't want him around, he would be a third wheel" (I did not have a date...). I immediately responded to my ex that the comment was completely unacceptable, and to please stop saying things like that. He then went into a complete rant in front of our D7 and S7 as well as a couple of adult witnesses, stating that I was a liar, I had an apparent affair on him, I was a bad wife, bad mother etc., etc. etc.

    My only response was to ask him to please stop speaking like that in front of the children, it was not fair to the children. He just started laughing and laying in more. As my son got into his car, he yelled to me "don't worry mommy, I don't believe anything Dad says, you are a good Mom".

    This is not the first time in the last 2 months this has happened in front of the children. A month ago, I had to threaten to call the cops if he continued because he was being verbally abusive towards me in front of the children. My response then was to not allow him to be in my presence by himself - only with other adults around. The presence of witnesses is obviously not stopping his behavior.

    I have contacted the kid's social worker to report the situation. I know he will flip when he finds out but I am worried about the impact on them. Do I have any other avenues to make this stop? It is in black and white in the seperation agreement - how can I have that clause enforced? It is abusive towards me and damaging to the kids however I do have a minimum of 11 more years of contact with him because of the kids....

  • #2
    Stop all personal face-to-face communication (only via emailO, get a 3rd party if needed to exchange-drop off children, wear a recorder...

    Comment


    • #3
      We have a long cluase for ill talking infront of kids. My ex had been warned by judge, OCL and lawyers but he still does. I ignore, and do communicate only through emails (only issues regards to children). You can not change someone's nature. Best advice is to avoid face to face conversation. Kids will find out when they grow. Mine are teenage now and do not pay attention what he says. They tell me that it is all trash.
      His objective is to hurt you one way or other. Just ignore.

      Good luck

      Comment


      • #4
        Singlemom....were your kids young? Did it confuse them or cause them issues? I am used to his abusive behaviour towards me, I am now concerned about the effect on the kids. I know he is just trying to hurt me. Email only communication is what I strive for....it is those odd times that a switch is done face to face, at sporting events, school that I cannot avoid seeing him... Other than warnings, nothing concrete was done to make your ex stop? What did the judge and OCL say about the negative effects towards the children?

        Comment


        • #5
          And if there is a clause in the seperation agreement but it gets ignored and is unenforceable...no consequences for breaking it, what is a seperation agreement worth other than thousands of dollars down the drain to lawyers?

          Comment


          • #6
            Hi:
            Yes,my kids were very young when he started this (4 and 8). Kids were very confused as they used to see me struggling all the time. However, in the court, he was refused almost everything he was asking, and we kept on and on, waste of money. Finally, I agreed on some more access with some conditions outside the court . He did join some training and paid for kids counselling as well. I do not talk to him at all. I put in agreement that only communication through email as I had enough for 18 years. He satartrd violating many court order clauses right after the final order. What can you do? I have to raise kids, provide them everything as he decided to quit his highly paid job, and wanted to teach me a lesson because I seprated from him after giving him many option.. Now, when I need to pay bills and raise the kids , I do not care what he says as kids are teens. They understand him very well and tell me same things what I used hear from him. He does less bad talk now as kids told him they will not come to see him if he continue talking bad about me. I am happy that I am no longer with an abusive personality. I wasted my whole youth life with a hope that he may change. I do go to kids school activity, and he comes as well. I do not pay attention.
            Just keep a record of your ex abusive language but do not waste money on these things as he may change for time being to show in the court.

            Good luck!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by inseperationhell View Post
              And if there is a clause in the seperation agreement but it gets ignored and is unenforceable...no consequences for breaking it, what is a seperation agreement worth other than thousands of dollars down the drain to lawyers?
              This seems to be the case for a lot of stuff in a consent order. My GF's ex disregards instructions in their consent order all the time. What have been the consequences? ZIP!

              Comment


              • #8
                It just makes me feel so frustrated and powerless. I left to get away from the abuse. Now..it is continuing and the kids are now in the middle. I had a long chat with the kids last night - my son spent 2 nights with Dad thinking that Mom didn't want him to be around. There is nothing further from the truth and I told him that. Is there not a line that gets crossed in which someone can step in and stop it???? Maybe I am thinking of an ideal world....

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by inseperationhell View Post
                  Maybe I am thinking of an ideal world....
                  Unfortunately, this may hold true.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Anyone in a high conflict situation can sympathize with you (and has the same type of clause in their agreement).

                    There really is nothing you can do but avoid situations where you can be cornered, wear a recorder when you can (best $70 I ever spent!) and stay on the high road.

                    Eventually your kids will figure it out that he is just spewing and has no basis for his lies. Until then reassure them that you are their mother and will always be there doing your best for them. My daughter has been listening to him say that kind of stuff for almost 3 years (shes 5.5) and is already starting to question what he tells her.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by billiechic View Post
                      There really is nothing you can do but avoid situations where you can be cornered, wear a recorder when you can (best $70 I ever spent!) and stay on the high road.
                      If you have a smartphone, then you can download a voice recorder app. Works like a charm and costs nothing. It also works well to not be suspect. Most people will not be suspect of your phone, but a dictaphone may be a different story. I realize that you typically conceal a dictaphone, but you can lay your phone on the table or hold it in your hand and get a much higher quality recording.
                      Last edited by Teenwolf; 01-11-2012, 01:55 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by iceberg View Post
                        @Teenwolf: most phones flash when you record with them and recorder has better quality
                        I can only speak for my phone and neither holds true. Long live Android

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I have the same useless clause. Our communication is minimal. Never face to face and only the occasional txt or email. Kids are smart and can easily see who the instigator is. You are doing the right thing by staying calm and telling him to "Stop". Ofcourse it is highly inappropriate and a sad thing: that he insists on behaving so poorly and disrespectfully. Explain calmly to the kids that you do not condone this behavior. That it is an inappropriate and unacceptable way for him to behave.

                          He's obviously not managing well with the break up. Your calmness and dialogue with both kids, open and honest will prevail. Whether you were on a date or not: its none of his business and simply reinforce with the kids that they are first and always your concern. Its too bad kids get exposed to this but use it as a lesson to your advantage and one that will serve them well. The message is, you can't control what other people say but you can say that it is unacceptable and not to be excused in any way or tolerated. Toleration is validation. You have a son that will learn from a strong mother that this is not the way to treat women, and a daughter who will see you as a strong role model that is showing her that this is not how men should treat women. Thank God you are no longer with him. You saved yourself, and your kids from a whole lot of heartache. My ex used to do that to me. My son saw through him and we are very close. He sees me as a strong willed person and has so much respect for me. He's 13 and I unloaded the jerk ex 5 years ago.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Teenwolf View Post
                            If you have a smartphone, then you can download a voice recorder app. Works like a charm and costs nothing. It also works well to not be suspect. Most people will not be suspect of your phone, but a dictaphone may be a different story. I realize that you typically conceal a dictaphone, but you can lay your phone on the table or hold it in your hand and get a much higher quality recording.
                            I tried this when I had a Samsung, and it shut off during the most important part of the recording. Blackberry did the same thing. And yes, you can tell they are recording.

                            When my ex put his phone on the table during a conversation, that was an instant clue that I was likely being recorded..therefore concealment (and the ability to get a clear recording) was very important. Phones are simple not built to excel at that..thus the money on a voice recorder. I put it on meeting setting and it can easily pick up voices within 5-10 feet even when it is in my purse (with speaker facing out) or pocket.

                            its up to you. You likely dont need to be too worried about excellent quality, as court will probably want a transcript of the conversation as well and will not want to listen to the recording anyway. You just need to have it as evidence, and be able to transcribe the entire conversation.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Thank you for the replies and the advice on recording...I shall make the investment.

                              Back to Dad today for the kids...my son cried all though the morning routine saying that he didnt want to leave Mom...begging me to stay home with him. He broke down at school during the drop off saying he wanted to be with Mom. My D11 said to me that she considered my house home...not dads. My D7 told me of some alarming situations when with dad ie they dont need to wear seatbelts in his car etc. I am seeing their social worker tomorrow. I escaped the abuse but fear I have put them in harms way...

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X