Advice Needed (1st timer)

[Digger]

First off a brief history, married in 97 started to try for a child in 02 we had agreed that she would go back to work after mat leave. Daughter was born 04 and everything went down hill from there. Ex refused to go back to work saying she could not leave my daughter. Agreed to let her open a daycare in our home (BAD MISTAKE) My Ex went past the point of over protective and has become obsessed with my daughter. I tried to stick it out and hope that as my daughter got older my ex would start to let go but as time went on I realised it was never going to happen. I had become a second class citizen in my own home (Sperm Donor) and realised that if I wanted a relationship with my daughter that it would have to be away from my ex. (when I met my ex she had claimed that she was abused by her family and has not talked to them since 92 she was also in the psy ward and diagnosed with MPD & PTSD)

Well here we are. My Ex has her masters in difficult and has made my life challenging to say the least. She has decided that she will only discuss my daughters well being with me and nothing else. (EVERTHING ELSE HAS TO GO THROUGH HER LAWYER) even a change in pick up or drop off time. Her lawyer phoned my lawyer who phoned me to ask that I drop off my daughter an hour early on xmas eve and that I could then pick her up an hour early on xmas day. WTF! During this time my ex has switched times on me to the point that I had to miss one pick up because I had made an app with my lawyer previous to her whim. Now how to explain to a 7 year old why you didn't show up. I tried and told her that mom & dad can't agree sometimes and that it wasn't that dad forgot or that dad didn't want to see her also that it wasn't her fault and that mom & dad had some things to sort out. So far I have stayed on the high road and not diss'd her mom but believe me this has not been easy.

The ex has started the court process for a parenting order.

Any advice on any of these issues would be greatly appreciated!!!!

[HammerDad]

First question, it appears you are out of the house (from reading your post). Why did you do that? I know life may be hard there, but that is the single worst mistake you could ever make. By moving out you've effectively told the world that you are ok with your ex being (or the ex always has been) the primary caregiver. If you can, move back in, start sleeping in a spare room and wear a digital voice recorder to protect yourself from a false DV charge.

If you cannot or are unwilling to move back in, your road will be harder. You must document, document and document. Document ALL of your parenting time with your child. Document all of your involvement with school, activities and her caregivers (dr's etc). Document your attempts to coparent with your ex.

Only communicate with your ex about your child and only via email. It leaves a paper trail. When you email your ex, email her like you are emailing your boss or the judge themselves. It has become a business transaction, leave emotion out of it.

Continue to take the high road with your kid and shelter her as much as possible from your ex-nutjob. You must remember, when you put down your ex to your kid, you are essentially insulting part of the kid.

But stay involved. If you haven't taken much attempts to talk to your daughters teachers, start communicating with them. Go to class and volunteer to help out. If your D plays any sports, see if you can volunteer there too. Document everything. It isn't just good for you in court, but more importantly, it is good for your relationship with your kid. Be superdad, your kid will thank you for it.

As for your ex and her nuttiness. Let her continue to be nutty. Show your attempts to be reasonable with her and communicate. What she is likely to be trying to do is show that you two cannot communicate and because of that she should get sole custody and you get the every-other-weekend-daddy-screwjob. Fight for 50/50, nothing less. Your child deserves to have both parents equally involved in her life. Do not let your ex's actions shortcut that for you or your kid.

Edit - Also, if you have moved ensure you have not moved out of your kids school district. If you have moved outside of it, move into it. It is hard to argue that you should get 50/50 if you are living 30-45 minutes away from their school.

[winterwolf7]

If your goal was to secure a lifelong good relationship with your daughter I'm afraid it sounds like you've gone about this the wrong way, in pretty much every way I can think of. You should have been consulting a lawyer long before you took any of your actions, to find out your rights, decide on your goals and how best to achieve them. At the moment you sound like you're about to lose it all, from the experiences of those on this forum.

-You left the home, and left her in your STBX's sole care. This essentially amounts to walking out on her. Will not look good and hurts you badly legally and financially. You should never leave the home until almost all matters are settled such as finances and custody.

-You have accepted less than 50/50 so far, and the lawyers and hostility will drag this out until it's virtually impossible for you to get it through status quo.

-You let her file for court first. You almost always want to be the applicant and show that you are proactive. Now you are already behind the wall and "waiting to see" what she has planned instead of proceeding with your own plans.

You can make claims of MPD and PTSD but no one in court will care unless you have documented proof of this. Prescriptions for meds, notes from doctors. Anything concrete. Even worse, if her conditions are bad enough to prevent her from working and she can show this, she will show entitlement for spousal support very easily.

Additionally, she stayed home with your daughter, sacrificing whatever career she had before. You can expect to be slammed hard for around 55% of your salary for the next 8 years in support unless you're very lucky. For a 15 year marriage you are dangerously close to paying support indefinitely depending on how long you were together for before marriage.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

[ddol1]

I know you want this done and communication is a key component - if you want to go broke fast continue to have your lawyer get involved with what is frivolous things. She can do as she pleases but if you must get involved and your lawyer charges you the min charge say 1/10 an hour or maybe 1/4 hour and that will be say from $30 to $75 because your EX wanted a slight change in pickup time in this case???? Check with your lawyer if these trivial things get handled thru his assisstant at a lower rate or even his receptionist who should be what I heard before a free service. But make sure your money is spent on the lawyer legal stuff and not dealing with sillyness.

new poster - welcome. i looked at your posts - aside from this one - you need to supply basic info for you to get the best help on this site. No bad questions - just not enough tech background.....(think years of marriage, are you living in the house, medical issues, ?????? look at posts already on the site using the search button up on top of the page and you will learn. Great info already here once you get the search function down!!!!

[winterwolf7]

ddo1 has a good point. Instead of using a lawyer to arrange access, see if you can locate a more affordable solution. Perhaps a parenting coordinator or an access centre can help you arrange access. When your ex has to deal with them instead of you directly, she may be less likely to jerk them around.

Don't fight over stupid stuff such as house contents. I lost a lot of money on that

[Digger]

Re

Thank you for your replies

Ok I know that me moving out was the worst thing I could have done. At the time I believed it was better to leave voluntarily than to get court ordered. I know very stupid!

Now here is the back ground. One of my ex's delusions is that I am an alcoholic. Yes I liked to have few cold one's in the garage when my friends would stop over. The only time she would bring it up was when I started to rock the boat, so to speak. As long as I didn't get involved in the parenting of my daughter things were fine. She had no problem leaving my daughter with me even to the point that if a friend and I were having a beer in the garage she would ask me to watch my daughter while she went shopping. Also I have seen a psychologist after the split to get some incite on how to deal with my ex and the divorce and he agrees that there isn't a problem.

My ex is crazy not stupid as I can see now there is a method to her madness!

No hope of ever moving back she has even locked me out of my garage where all my stuff is stored. Yes I have been documenting my time with my daughter and have been rec some conversations. My ex does not have email. I have tried to be involved with my d school as my job permits. My ex attends all my d activities including when I take her as this weekend she will be at dance class tonight where you can't even watch, Sat gym class and birthday party she will be at them all. Sun my ex takes her to Sun School MY WEEKEND? I have been putting up with all this in fear of her cutting me off from my d.


At this point it doesn't look very good for me.

On a better note my d and I have a better relationship now than we ever have. I was worried that she would be crying to go back to the ex when I had her but its been the exact opposite, she asks to stay when its time to go back.

Keep the advice coming.

[HammerDad]

If she attends stuff your time, no reason for you not to attend these on her time. If she gets upset and says "it's not your time", ask her why she was at whatever event the other day during your time?

Just be consistant.

Ask for her accusations, they are just that, accusations. Does she have any proof from any unbiased source? Like do you have DUI's on your record or convictions for public intoxication? If no, then state that you do not believe you have a drinking problem and that you will ensure that you do not have any alcoholic beverages during your parenting time.....her argument shrinks.....a lot...

[HammerDad]

As for communication, if she doesn't have email (who doesn't have email these days??? I mean really...come'on) only communicate via text. If you have to call, use Google voice where you can record the conversation. During said conversation never raise your voice, never been accusatory, stay calm. Stick to the kid. You don't care how her day went, and she doesn't need to hear about yours (and she doesn't care anyway unless you advise her you did something that may hurt you in the long run).

[Digger]

Nope no DUI never been arested in my life and my friend who is a recovering alcolic hired me back to my old place of employment at top rate (driving) I took this job in hopes of seeing my d more (didn't help) I am always cool when it comes to dealing with the nut, no matter how hard she tries to get me to loose it (i'm like one of those monks)

[Teenwolf]

As for communication, if she doesn't have email (who doesn't have email these days??? I mean really...come'on)...

My thoughts exactly! Is it unreasonable for her to create a Gmail account?

[Digger]

Here is a quick glimpse into my world

Called ex about Thur Pu was told that Pu was 4 like its always been. Its always been 5 or 530. The only time it was ever 4 was when she had parent teacher int on a Thur. I called her back and told her I had app at 4 and that I could not make it there till 5. She called back and told me that the only way to change Pu or do times was to go through her lawyer. The next week i traded a Thur for a wed over the phone with my ex. (she prefers wed) She will not agree to anything unless its in her best int

.

[Teenwolf]

Wow! She's not willing to work with you at all. As already mentioned, document everything. You'll eventually go to court and her behavior won't bode well for her. Where does she get the idea that there are agreed upon access times? And any change has to go thru her lawyer? Did I miss something here?

[standing on the sidelines]

As for communication, if she doesn't have email (who doesn't have email these days??? I mean really...come'on) only communicate via text. If you have to call, use Google voice where you can record the conversation. During said conversation never raise your voice, never been accusatory, stay calm. Stick to the kid. You don't care how her day went, and she doesn't need to hear about yours (and she doesn't care anyway unless you advise her you did something that may hurt you in the long run).

I know of lots of people that do not have internet access at all. My neighbours dont even have a computer in their house and it isnt a money issue, they just do not want one even though they have a 15 year old and a 6 year old.

If she has internet access then she will most likely have email.

[Digger]

She came up with the times and they change like the wind. At first she would only let me have my d Sat to Mon every 2nd weekend and 2 evenings a week now I get Fri 4 pm to sun 530 pm wen eve 1 week 530 to 8 and Thur eve the next week now 4 to 6. Even though I have the day off work she will not let me Pu at school because its her special time. My wife has a daycare in the home. Even temp -25 she packs up 6 kids 4 times a day to walk to the school.

[Teenwolf]

I know of lots of people that do not have internet access at all. My neighbours dont even have a computer in their house and it isnt a money issue, they just do not want one even though they have a 15 year old and a 6 year old.

If she has internet access then she will most likely have email.

Fair enough; however, I bet she could have 5 computers and fibre op running into the house, and she would claim to not have email. $10 says she has a Facebook account.

Since the advent of smartphones, you don't even need a computer or internet for access to email.

She came up with the times and they change like the wind. At first she would only let me have my d Sat to Mon every 2nd weekend and 2 evenings a week now I get Fri 4 pm to sun 530 pm wen eve 1 week 530 to 8 and Thur eve the next week now 4 to 6. Even though I have the day off work she will not let me Pu at school because its her special time. My wife has a daycare in the home. Even temp -25 she packs up 6 kids 4 times a day to walk to the school.

Going to court and getting your access times clearly defined will be a blessing. Whatever you do, don't go for liberal and reasonable access; get specified access times.