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  • First Post from my world

    My first post. Will likely post both questions of my own here as well as responses to some of the questions of others.

    Some notes about me:
    . male aged 58, going through second divorce, university educated
    . income 87,000
    . two adult children from first marriage
    Both university graduates, debt free, independant
    Children resided with mother.
    All my support obligations paid in full years ago
    . two daughters aged 15 and 10 from second marriage
    Both healthy, gifted, responsible, well adjusted

    Some notes about my ex
    . aged 45, born in Taiwan, college and university educated in Canada
    . intentionally unemployed, except for multi-level marketing sales
    . Likely hiding whatever income she makes
    . I would argue income of $40,000+ should be imputed

    Some notes about the marriage
    . Married 1994
    . Separated 2006
    . NON traditional marriage
    - ex worked in the business we both own (office manager)
    - 1 year maternity leave for both kids

    And the weirdest part.. we (all 4) continue to reside in Matrimonial home, together with adult sister of my ex, for reasons as follows:
    - For me.. will not leave and prejudice joint custody. My kids need me.
    - For the ex... She can't afford to leave. Refuses to work
    - For her sister.. I wanted her out for years, but both ex and sister refuse
    - High debt at date of separation means x and I could not have kept two residences even if we wanted to. I have (without help from ex) reduced this debt by more than 1/2 since separation.

    Atmosphere at home is civil, without much animosity, but also without much "warmth".

    I pay all housing costs, and buy/prepare 50% of kids meals, and pay all doctors, glasses, dentist, 50% school expenses, 50% clothing, kids allowances and $4000/year to RESP to save for university. Ex pays 50% of food, school expenses and clothing.

    We are both self represented. Owned a small and heavily indebted software company at date of separation and legal costs if we slug it out would be more than either can afford.

    We have separation agreement on all but the most major issues of CS, SS, custody, access, NFP. For example we agreed on value of most assets/liabilities at date of marriage and separation (only house and mortgage remain). We agreed kids will reside in Canada. Doesn't sound like much but the agreements we DO have simplify the remaining issues quite a bit.

    Even without agreement I've been paying CS (on shared custody basis, with setoff, based on imputed income by ex, table levels).

    That's enough for now.

    Not expecting responses.. This was written is an introduction.

  • #2
    Separated since 2006? What has been the daily routine for the last 5 years?


    • #3
      Response was attempted...

      .. but got deleted somehow in the bits and bytes of my computer or this forum. It was a detailed response, which I hadn't saved. This response is to see if I can post without losing it. The full response will need to come this evening if I can.


      • #4
        Ahh. Good...

        My reply attampt didn't get deleted this time.


        • #5
          Daily Routine - During School Term

          During the school term the daily routine depends on who we are talking about, as follows:

          ME - Up around 6am, working in home office. Early morning grocery shopping if needed for school lunches. If I'm not away for business, which varies, I ussually work through the day till about 5pm (or 3pm if I'm picking my 10 year old from school). Cook dinner 3+ school nights a week for myself and the kids. Evenings spent variously reading, TV, chores, online. Usually asleep by 11pm.

          The EX - Up around 7.30am, takes 10 year old to school and drops 15 year old to TTC. Not sure what she does all day. Sometimes volunteers at the kids school. Seldom comes home in day. But also not working full time either.

          10 year old - up at 7.30-ish.. off to school at 8 with mom.. school (GR5) till 3.30.. home by 5 (either mom or dad).. House rule is "homework before electronics" so she starts on homework.. She's pretty bright and doesn't have trouble doing it IF she's motivated that day. Motivation for homework goes up and down month by month and dad ussually stays on top of it (and established email contact with teacher for same reason). 10 year old likely has ADD.. and is gifted (though not yet tested). Dinner ussually around 6.30pm with either mom or dad (dad has sit down dinner around table - mom gives the kids a plate and they each retreat to own space). Ussually on computer after dinner. Asleep ussually by 10pm-ish. Seldom watches any TV at all. Good grades.

          15 year old - up at 7.30-ish.. off to school (GR10) at 8 with mom (dropped to TTC). School will 3.30.. ussually hangs around after school for an hour after school.. sometimes after school club.. sometimes coffee at Timmies.. TTC home.. Seldom arriving after 6pm.. never late. 90% of time she advises arrival time by sms. 100% self motivated about homework. Only assistance needed is in the form of "intellectual debate" or "which course should I take" more than "I need help with this math question". Never watches TV. 50% helpful with chores such as dishes, clean room, vaccum floors. Good grades.


          • #6
            Can you continue with the aforementioned schedule for another 2 to 4 years.

            It may very well be the best for your kids and you.

            If she gets a lawyer involved, they will likely turn everyones world inside out within a one or two years.

            Heading into family court at 58 will be brutal on you.

            As one experienced family lawyer told me " if your married stay married, if your single, stay single"


            • #7
              You read my mind....

              It's precisely my intention to try to keep things as stable as they are for another 2 years at least. Don't know if I can do it for another 4 years though. It's hard. As you can imagine.

              One big issue that is looming is that of NFP Separation. It's not completed yet, though we have signed agreement on all assets and liabilities except the Matrimonial home. The problem is that there is a 6 year statute of limitations (Family Law Act) of getting the courts help to complete the NFP Separation. I had 250,000 more assets at marriage then my ex, but she had 50,000 more assets at separation (without house taken into account). So if I don't file motion for NFP separation before next July 31 (6 year anniversary) then I stand to lose 100,000+ equalization which would likely be in house equity. Plus I woould end up co-owning a house with the ex, which I don't want.

              If I file for NFP Separation, it's possible the issues at court may remain limited to that.. but it's also possible ex may lawyer up. She has no incentive to do anything right now, as she and her sister have a free place to live and I pay most child expenses.

              Another issue that eats at me is that if I don't make it through the next 10 years, or if my business (self employed) doesn't provide adequate income (and it's been shaky at best) then I'm not sure what happens to my girls. Ex is uninterested to earn an income. But if I'm not there to do it, or if my income dries up, it'll put an end to a lot of plans they have.



              • #8
                I'm sorry you're going through all this crap for a 2nd time and I honestly don't mean to be insensitive, but after having gone through the nightmare of divorce the first time, why did you ever get remarried again ? I'm going through my first divorce, and it WILL be my last since I will NEVER trust another woman again not to screw me over so no way will I ever get married/live with a woman again. I'm almost afraid to even look at one these days; all I see are dollar signs in their greedy eyes !!

                But honestly, I'm still stunned that guys would risk losing their shirts AGAIN by getting burned by a greedy woman ?

                Comments ?


                • #9
                  I've asked myself that same question a million times...

                  Wondered how I could be so stupid as to get married a second time.. and how I could have been so stupid as to have picked such a deadbeat.. and even worse.. when I look back now I can see that all the "deadbeat signs" were there. I didn't look for them, and didn't see them.

                  But when I raise these questions to myself the answer is always the same.

                  I look at my two girls.. both very special human beings.. and I do my best to fight back any feelings of bitterness or regret and put it out of my mind.

                  Many very intelligent people I know make very rational decisions about buying a house, or a car.. or about changing jobs. But when it comes to selecting a partner.. all that rational thinking just gets tossed out the window.

                  Then I look at my youngest brother.. and his wife.. and I see the passion they have for life, and for each other, after 20 years.. and DAMN I want me some of that in my life too.

                  Answer your question?


                  • #10
                    It's too bad the government makes all this divorce crap so UNFAIR, especially to men ! I hear what you're saying. I really hope I'll always remember the fleecing I'm currently getting so I won't get conned a 2nd time.

                    I think even if females don't mean to be greedy at first, it's too hard not be seduced by the government encouraging them to screw over hard working husbands. Everyone has a price, right ?

                    Sounds cynical but it really is all about the money.

                    Shame really but this has been a very expensive lesson to me. Reality sucks, don't get burned by romantic fantasies, they are just that, fantasies......


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by shellshocked22 View Post
                      It's too bad the government makes all this divorce crap so UNFAIR, especially to men ! ...

                      I think even if females don't mean to be greedy at first, it's too hard not be seduced by the government encouraging them to screw over hard working husbands. Everyone has a price, right ?...
                      I'm sure you've read this multiple times throughout this forum...It is not just men who are being screwed over. There are just as many men who are as greedy as some women. I am in the reverse situation and it's my stbx husband that I'm going to end up paying SS to, while he lives in our 4 bdrm marital house, and I pay crazy amounts for leasing the smallest place I can get...


                      • #12
                        Point taken; and I think lazy husbands who mooch off their wives are EVEN more despicable.

                        Having said that, I'm sure you would agree that in the vast majority of cases, its the males who usually earn more than the female and therefore are screwed over.

                        Wouldn't it be nice if people actually had to take care of themselves ? Radical thought !!!

                        Socialism works great until you run out of "other people's" money !!


                        • #13
                          Agreed. I also do believe that as the tables are turning, there will be more women in this situation as the pendulum swings, and men are seen in a more favorable light family court. This is happening slowly. Many fathers make a better primary parent, than the mother.
                          Good luck...use the forum here for any questions or venting...great responses and perspective.


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