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Feel like I am trapped.

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  • Feel like I am trapped.


    To me, it seems like I am in a spider web and I don't know if it is even possible, or viable, to get out. I suppose a point form summary would be easiest?

    -2 months prior to getting married wife was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes
    -truthfully, I knew nothing about managing it so I assumed she was taking care of it as she kept it to herself
    -wife was working a full time job
    -7.5 years ago we got married
    -soon after marriage she had a nervous breakdown at work and had to find another job
    -it was after this she told me she suffered from depression
    -she found a part time job, but started to get sick from diabetes complications. I found out she wasn't managing it at all, but just ignoring it completely
    -she had to quit that job because of sickness
    -she eventually found another job but lasted only 2 weeks. She was getting sicker and the complications were getting worse
    -after quitting this job she had another breakdown and wouldn't deal with anything, even her creditors who were threatening to come after her. I dealt with them on her behalf and paid off the debt and renegotiated the terms of the loans
    -she has been on permanent disability for the past 3 years
    -she still won't manage her diabetes despite suffering organ complications
    -she is getting sicker, can barely walk some days. She's been to the ICU 8 times and still won't change her behavior
    -we've never consummated the marriage as it wasn't until after being married she told me she had vaginal issues and couldn't have intercourse
    -from day 1 I have paid all the bills. She pays her own credit cards and buys her own clothes, but that's it
    -my insurance through work pays for all her pain medication, which if I had to pay for on my own would bankrupt me in 1 month

    I am tired of living with a person that doesn't want to help them self and is not only sabotaging her future but mine/ours. I don't see a future for us anymore. Given her situation, is there actually any way that I could separate and not get completely screwed? Her mom lives 1 minute away and I know for a fact she would just move back home. I am now $60k in debt, we don't own anything of value, would it makes sense to claim bankruptcy before proceeding with a divorce? I feel overwhelmed, and likely need a reality check. Any help/insight would be tremendously appreciated.


  • #2
    Sorry, I lost my train of thought after I read that you got married 7.5 years ago and never consummated the marriage. Vaginal issues, wow, you must be going blind.

    Anyway, non-consummation of a marriage used to be considered grounds for annulment but after 7.5 years, you probably don't have a case and I don't think this applies in Canada anyway under the no-fault divorce laws.

    Bottom line, you'll have to apply for a divorce, probably wait the separation year since you have no grounds to divorce earlier and you'll divide the debt evenly. You will have to keep her on health insurance during the separation period.


    • #3
      Wow, 7.5 years and no sex! That right there is grounds for a divorce.....seriously.

      If you own a home get it sold. Don't put off filing for a divorce, just go and do it and expect the debt and assets to likely be split down the middle.


      • #4
        Thanks for the responses! We don't own a home. There are no children, obviously. I don't even care that much about the debt (half of which I brought into the marriage) or assets (there really isn't much, but furniture and my sports equipment, bike etc...) so much as prospective alimony or having to pay for her medications. Based on your knowledge, I guess it's tough to say for sure unless I contact a lawyer, do you think I would have to pay or fund her medications? Thanks again.


        • #5
          Okay, this is going to sound completely cold, and I apologize for that in advance.

          How is this woman still alive?? Honestly, it sounds to me like your best bet is to just endure a year or two longer (but not letting her rack up any more debt) and she'll probably kill herself by not even trying to manage her condition. Is she phobic of needles or something? OMG.

          Separate your finances. Gather all paperwork. Take steps to protect yourself, cause once the divorce pending bomb hits her, she'll react. Read up here on "the list" although a lot of it won't apply with no children.

          She has an income through her disability pension, and I'm guessing your own income is not particularly stupendous or you'd probably have some assets to speak of. So it's possible you would not owe her spousal support, and even if you did, it would probably be of limited duration, around four years (half the length of the marriage). If she even lasts that long.

          Her medication needs are another matter. Talk to your benefits provider and find out if you can keep her on your benefits even post-separation. I know for some benefit plans, you can keep an ex-spouse on as long as you don't have a new spouse to add. Then, you can write into the separation agreement that you will do that, and it looks generous of you. Be sure to put an end date/condition, such as for as long as you must pay spousal support, or until you remarry.

          As for your debt, calculate the amount you both owe now, subtract any amounts you each owed individually before marriage, and divide the rest by two. Then you each keep your own pre-marriage debts, plus half the marriage debt.

          Take steps now to start minimizing that debt though, instead of letting it get worse as you work through this. Cut off non-essential service, like the internet and cable TV, etc. So what if she doesn't have anything left to do all day while you're at work? Close joint accounts and have your pay deposited into your own where she can't access it, etc.

          As for the no-sex thing, yes, it's crazy that this doesn't mean anything in the divorce process, isn't it? But you must have loved her very much in the beginning to stay with her this long, after that withholding of essential relationship information. I don't think her not being forthright at the beginning will have any impact as it's been so long that you would be assumed to have accepted it. And I'm also assuming that the no-sex thing is the main reason for wanting to separate, not the problematic diabetes care. Otherwise, I would suggest you urge her to seek counselling, and to educate yourself on how to manage her diabetes for her, even if you have to inject her yourself.

          Diabetes is a terrible disease, and not one to be fought with a denial strategy. Even those who manage it well are subject to complications later in life, mood swings, and often need counselling to cope with related depression and acceptance of the diagnosis.

          But overall, this doesn't sound like a woman who intends to live much longer. Sad, but maybe all you have to do is wait her out.

          Good luck.


          • #6

            I actually thought something similar regarding hanging in there with a big insurance policy, however, I can tell you that the ones you think have one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel who cause the most trouble possible and outlast us all.

            I'm not sure I'd bet my emotional (and obviously physical, given the circumstances) well-being on playing vulture. That's a lot of strain. Reminds me of that movie Jane Eyre with the crazy wife hanging out in the attic.

            I still think he should end it. Just my personal opinion however.


            • #7
              Unless you have very strong proof to state otherwise, the debt will be divided evenly. You may have to pay spousal support but try and have a firm end-date placed on it. Once you're separated you will not be responsible for her medications unless for some reason you agree to it in your separation agreement.

              DO NOT stay and wait for her to kick off; take charge of your life and move on. The financial strain, stress and unhappiness will take it's toll on you and it's not worth it. There is more to the world than sitting home and playing nurse to a woman who can't take of herself or her relationship with you.

              It took me a long enough time to learn to be more cut throat and I wasted a year of my life. Act now!


              • #8
                I had a good laugh about the whole "wait till she dies part". I have wondered "how soon" myself. While I have thought about playing the vulture I don't think I can "wait it out". I do need to move on and not waste any more time then I already have. Next step I guess is to find a lawyer then...


                • #9
                  Hi hpj,

                  All joking aside and yes I did laugh also, I find myself understanding the bit about keeping her on your health insurance. I just got back today and my lawyer suggested I try to get my "spouse" and I say that because we have not signed a separation agreement yet. We sent in a proposal and part of it would be that I will attempt to re-instate him on my health insure as his meds run up to $2100 a month. It's a long shot but hopefully he will go for it with a lower Spousal Support Payment.


                  • #10
                    and don't think about consumating the marriage due to guilt ! ha...

                    seriously ?

                    (who posted that link a couple of weeks ago about the French woman who sued her husband for lack of sex ?)


                    • #11
                      Yes, I do indeed need to keep her on the insurance plan until a divorce is final. Tomorrow I talk with a friend that recently went through a divorce to see what first steps I need to take. Thanks for the support!


                      • #12
                        sorry to hear about your predicament. I do wonder why on earth it has taken this long to ask these questions and seek a separation.

                        Most people on disability receive some compensation or medications are covered by ODSP (in Ontario). As far as spousal support goes, it is my understanding that spousal support can be for an indefinite period of time if a partner is disabled.


                        • #13
                          To your wife who sadly has, by her choice, affected not only herself but her husband's future and any hope of a future together as you put it, "How long does she really have left". But it screams mental health issues from begining to end - she has been to the ER so many times that would it not be possible to have your wife evaluated by mental health?? There is the only hope for her from what you posted.

                          The other posts were tops for what you need to do to protect yourself from here on out. There is a question of her health care costs, benefits and similar. I believe in the Ontario Family Law Act there is a section just on this issue - The social obligations of a spouse, society in general and this is why we hear and read on CANLII the decisions that mandate health care insurance for as long as possible (if you have the choice to leave or remove a spouse - the judge in essence removes that right from the person who does have the insurance).

                          What is less clear when I read the text is something your lawyer should clarify based on your circumstancce but the words implied that the social obligation to spouses can extend beyond the "normal and customary" duration and amount to the disadvantaged spouse in total can exceed the amounts any software or guide may produce.

                          I personally have interest in this area due to my circumstance (specifically the 5 years of trying to find what works and the cost with out my stbx's health insurance - based on my income is just not doable). Legal advice indicates that spousal support used to be determined more on a needs basis (a budget for living expenses) which is now going to a percentage of total income of both spouses with the payor being left with at leaast get that data that connect Fafslightly more. But with unusually high medical expenses I will need to prepare both ways as my expenses will impact spousal support amounts.

                          Should this be true (and I am determining what social assisstance is available in my circumstance to arrive at the best number I possibly can) his words were, "It will be in your stbx's best interest not to cut me off her benefit for any reason until it is mandated by her insurance policy or future court decision if it gets that far. (the first time every hearing this) You would be wise to think, or at least take note that not everyone gets that final divorce - learning instead to accept seperation as the possible outcome to your 24 year union to maintain your benefit under her plan and advantage to her as well - limiting the potential level of spousal support she may have to pay.

                          A similar post of mine and a direct quote from Mess a while back applies equally well here, "Do not ever count your chickens before the eggs hatch" - can go both ways. In the times of extreme emotional stress for most people make your choices using your head with sound information and not your heart\pocket book.


                          • #14
                            Good grief, this spousal/medical support is beginning to scare the hell out of me. I can't talk to a lawyer soon enough (tomorrow) to try and wrap my head around this.


                            • #15
                              What is your age? Your income? and your wife's age?
                              Also.. what is height/weight for each of you?

                              Strongly suggest you immediately move to change your lifestyle.. or housing.. or whatever you have to.. to get yourself into a monthly surplus situation. Cut up credit cards if you need to. Sounds like you are bleeding $$.. and you need to stop the bleeding. And if you don't, you aren't doing any better than she is at "managing the situation".


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