New - and lost

[AnarX]

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

Hope is your enemy. Call a divorce lawyer now.

In June 2012, you will wish you had started divorce proceedings now.

[karmaseeker]

I am glad to hear you are in counselling. This is all new and there will be a full spectrum of emotions that surface over the next few months. I would recommend journaling. 1/ this gives you a release to be able to work through your own reactions and 2/ it documents it.

I would proceed with caution. Yes, one side of you will want it to work and the other side will have experienced a breech in trust so large there will be skepticism. This can be healthy - use it to fuel you in getting educated on the what if scenarios.

Best of luck to you and I am sorry you are experiencing this.

[Epona]

I second what Tayken, winterwolf7, Rioe and Pursuinghappiness wrote! :-)
Hope you and your wife are able to mend the tear. Things won't be the same -- Good Luck :-)

[Rioe]

My ex and I tried counselling after his affair came to light. It was very hard. He basically put his fingers in his ears and "la la lad" at the psychologist, who was saying things that my ex didn't want to hear. Things like "a marriage can't heal until you get the third person out of the situation." That's pretty much the starting point, at which you'll realize fairly early on if things are going to work or not. If your wife is willing to cut the other man out of her life entirely to focus on the marriage, then there's hope. She's also going to have to work very hard to regain your trust.

There's a book called After the Affair by Janis Spring, that's full of suggestions, advice, tips, what not, for how to proceed with healing. It was painful how accurate I found it for identifying my churning feelings, and giving me insight into my ex's actions. My ex refused to read it, another sign of how things were headed. Hopefully things go differently for you!

[fieldgrey]

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

Get it all out in marriage counselling to see if you both want to, and can, make it work. In this moment trust is going to be very difficult for you to give, and hopefully you have a very good friend or family member to support your need to sort through your feelings outside of counselling. Having been through some counselling, I think the matter of trust is going to be something you'll want to address early on as it creates the foundation for other honest discussions.

Best of luck with this.

FG

[TLCRN]

Okay guys: does this make anyone feel any better; stastic says:
-the rate of men cheating is higher than woman.
-22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.
-14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.
-Younger people are more likely candidates; in fact, younger women are as likely as younger men to be unfaithful.
-70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men did not know of their spouses' extramarital activity.
-22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past.
I know there are a lot of statistics out there, you all have to find the one who suits you best!
Seriously, I am sorry to hear Canbreathe about your situation, it's never easy but look at the big picture before making any decisions. A lot of woman and men have cheated on each other and are still together, it's too easy these days to give up on a marriage, and one is never prepared for what is to come when it comes to "Family Court".

[cantbreathe]

Just to let people know we are trying to work things out. She says it started as a silly game that got out of hand, that it was exciting, etc. She says she loves me, and is extremely sorry. I have to hope that's true. We will be seeing a marriage counsellor. recommendations?

[lilspinx]

love this!

Not sure why you would love that ... if you loved your wife. No doubt your thoughts are all over the place. I think if it was me, I would be devastated, and heartbroken and would want to take my time and absorb everything including talking to my spouse and seeking her perspective.

Affairs happen but seems like at one time she loved you, and with that in mind, maybe there is hope that your marriage can be rescued. Definitely, looks like your relationship is worthwhile saving.

[confusedguy]

On the other hand, at least you will have a clear understanding of where you stand with your wife. If they want to pursue their new relationship, ENCOURAGE it to the fullest and wish them the very best -- considering their new relationship is built on lies, sneakiness, deceit, half truths etc. Odds are against them for true happiness.

Good luck!

love this!

[lilspinx]

Unfortunate you learned of the E affair, but, I think it might only be part of the story. If you love her, sit down and talk things out. Maybe there is hope to save your marriage, maybe not. The bottom line is it takes TWO with a willingness to commit to the marriage for it to work. If they cant commit to you, and your marriage ... how are they going to commit to someone else?

On the other hand, at least you will have a clear understanding of where you stand with your wife. If they want to pursue their new relationship, ENCOURAGE it to the fullest and wish them the very best -- considering their new relationship is built on lies, sneakiness, deceit, half truths etc. Odds are against them for true happiness.

Good luck!

[confusedguy]

Poor guy... I am going through the same thing. Did you talk to her yet?

[WorkingDAD]

Is it only me as always think that he find thous emails not by accident? Don't you think he was pointed to it just to see his reaction?

Well probably it just me but I think at least someone should agree that this can be a case. I would think that person who was not fair and really afraid of it would never let it happened. And for sure would not share it with anyone like cantbreathe said (her friends, coworkers).

Just another point of view to look from.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Avoid it at almost any cost! It will destroy your life for years to come and possibly forever. If your marriage can be saved and both people want to work on it, it is worth doing. Divorce is NOT the easy way out you might think it is.

I think its true that you should try to save your marriage, however, just speaking as a general rule for most females...once females commit infidelity, your marriage is usually over.

Of course, that's a generalization..but I think there is a statistical truth that men cheat more often for fantasy and excitement reasons whereas women cheat because they're running away from the problems of their marriage. They often really don't want to be married anymore.

While I agree you should try to save your marriage...I would get prepared for a divorce.

[billm]

I feel for you, that must really hurt.

Read as much here as you can especially concerning separation 'rules' - don't leave the home, don't give up equal access (50/50) to the kids when you do separate, if you are not doing as much with the kids as her, start.

You will eventually need a lawyer - make sure YOU control the lawyer and not the other way around, and hopefully your wife will too.

Separation should be simple - split everything (all debts/assets/retirement) 50/50 (excluding perhaps some things brought into marriage - read about that here), CS will use 'the offset method' and adjusted yearly based on income. If you can buy her out of the house then do that (why should you be the one to move?). Really, the only negotiating point is spousal support, you can use SSAG or whatever you agree to (if she is working hopefully she won't want any).

Be prepared to lock down access to any asset or debt that can be accessed without your consent.

As for saving your marriage, that would of course be great, BUT the odds are against you. For me, if my wife cheated on me, I would want her to do the heavy lifting to save the marriage in order for me to feel she is worthy. That is not likely given that she is sleeping with someone else. But if you can muster the strength, don't lose yourself trying to win her back - she is the one that should be doing that. Don't beg, don't let her blame you, etc. Some marriage/individual counselling may help you quite a bit.

Divorce can suck - no matter what though you are in for a rough ride AND as hard as it is to believe (I hated when people told me this), you will be happy again and there are lots of women out there that will truly appreciate you. You will be a better and stronger person when this is all settled.

I would not contact the other wife. At least not until you have talked to yours and settled on what will proceed.

Still though, sucks right now - be good to yourself, it's not your fault in any way.

[Rioe]

Not to be any more of a downer, but his life has already been destroyed. It's up to him how he wants to try to rebuild it, and the first step is to find out if his wife wants to participate.

No, he shouldn't proceed automatically to separation and divorce, and yes, it is a nasty process, but from his description, it sounds like his wife has been wilfully betraying and deceiving him for some time now. That's hard to recover from, and speaking from experience, she's going to have to want it 110% or it won't work.

But as in all things, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Don't just safeguard your documentation, make copies of hers too.

Good luck, it's awful, and you're not alone. Focus on your children right now. Their life is about to change, and they will need one stable parent. And that might not be your wife, once you have 'the talk.'