
I'm an older mom (almost 49) married to someone emotionally and now physically abusive. We have two children, now 9 and 7.
It's an odd and sometimes scary place to be - trying to start a new and emotionally happier life - in the midst of chronic and deeply entrenched anger, resentment, etc. - for the most part on my husband's side. He is one of those "angry men" - he's had two previous marriages (no kids however). In 2001, he lost a good job that he had held for about 10 years. It wasn't his fault. However since then it's been one thing after another - a DUI, abruptly losing several jobs (I suspect his fault some of the time based on the chronic complaints against his co-workers and bosses), an almost new car lost due to careless driving in bad weather (no alcohol involved probably).
I finally realized that life on the edge of poverty would be better than staying together as a nuclear family. (Actually we are close to the edge anyway.) I really didn't want to do this - but feel that I have no choice. The counsellors I consulted in the past - going back several years - always advised me to leave. (Although they did not meet him ever. He refuses all counselling.) Anyway, to avoid an epic story.... I am finally realizing that my two options are: leave asap; or stay - experiencing misery and shame on an ongoing basis - not to mention exposing my children to an incredibly toxic environment.
I just see no other way. I try to be reasonable, rational, non-reactive, firm (e.g. "I only want to discuss this if there is no shouting.") In the past I sometimes have tried to outshout him. He's says highly offensive things and when I respond he puts his hands over his ears and dashes away going "La-la-la-la..." (Kind of comical in retrospect but also sad. He is in his mid-fifties.) Anyway it's very difficult to be reasonable or "philosophical" about this behaviour. It wears a person down.
(I am kind of jealous of those who divorce because both parties agree that it just isn't working anymore. Of course, my ideal is to have been married to a decent, reasonable man who still knows how to play a little.)
Unfortunately, my situation is even trickier because I've been a stay-at-home parent for 10 years. In September 2009, I began looking for work in my field and out - I've only been able to secure a temporary, part-time, retail job. In September 2010, I began a program at the local community college - but, as my husband reminds me weekly - I may not get a job after I finish.
He works one weekend shift at a survival job. He began a few weeks ago. We live off a loan against this house. Not good for me, as this is the only shared asset that will help me begin a new life. Our one vehicle is going to die any day and we live on the outer edge of suburbia.
I am almost in my 50's myself. I have no family - only distant relatives - in other parts of the country or the world. Only one friendly neighbour. (I didn't grow up or go to school in my current city of residence.)
I remind myself constantly that it's not the load you get, but how you carry it (a paraphrasing of some famous person I think). However, after one of his harangues .... it's difficult ... as mentioned above...
Tomorrow after class I am going to call a few lawyers and begin the formalities.
Thanks for letting me put my load down here for a few minutes. And good luck to everyone out there - trying to do the right thing or at least the best thing - under the circumstances.
PS If you made it this far.... any advice to keep my old lap dog safe? My husband is directing a fair amount of hostility towards my pet. I don't think he'd kill him, but maybe kick him or put him in the cold and dark garage when I leave for my classes.
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