new here

[dawnaneedshelp]

Hi,
Im just new here today, and thought id drop in and say hi...
I have one question so i guess i may as well post it here, and see what happens....

My question is this... My son who just turned 21 has been with his girlfriend living in our home scinse May 2010. She is 10 years older than him and has a six year old son. Currently she does not have custody of the child. But sees him on a regular basis.
My son and her have just got their own apt. in the last 6 weeks, and she is now getting a lawyer to divorce her husband and get full costody of her son.
So i want to know, if she does get custody of her son, how will that effect my son? Will he be reasponsible for supporting the child, while they are living together? Also what about if they seperate?

I will appreciate any feed back i get, and try not to be offended...lol
Thank you in advance

[blinkandimgone]

She doesn't currently have custody of the child, her chances of achieving 'full custody' are very slim, she would have to have damn good reasons for a judge to rule the child should be removed from his current home. She should be striving for 50-50 shared access with the father or whatever is in the best interests of the child in order for him to have a relationship with both parents. Anything more than that is selfish on the mother's part and quite frowned upon.

She should familiarize herself with the child support guidelines to determine who pays who what amount. I assume since she does not currently have custody of the child she is paying support to the father? Child support is the right of the child, not a meal ticket for parents who want 'full custody' of the child for the money.

Your question about your son's responsibility in supporting the child can be answered by doing a search for 'in loco parentis'.

[dawnaneedshelp]

and where might i find that?
loco parentis'

[Mess]

Find out here.

[dawnaneedshelp]

Thank you I did have a look at the articles. I want to get things straight, as to where my son will stand in this relationship.
She has told my son that getting a divorce and doing the custody thing will cost 30,000. Now i have never been through a divorce, but this sounds excessive.
Maybe im being over protective, but i really need him to know what hes getting into, with this woman and her child, should he(the child) live with them, even if only 50/50 of the time.
Its his first love , and i dont want it to ruin his life.

[blinkandimgone]

It can cost 30K+ to get a divorce but it doesn't have to. Depends on how agreeable they each are to reaching a settlement. Sounds like custody will be the biggest issue and from what little you have posted about the situation she will have a very difficult time getting full custody which can and likely will cost a lot in legal fees and she still may not come away with full custody without good reason for the father not having at minimum, shared custody.

Why does she not have shared custody of the child? How long has the current arrangement been in place? If it has been long enough then status quo would be in effect and she will have a difficult time proving to the courts it is in the child's best interest to disrupt that.

Your son could very well end up being financially responsible for supporting the child, even if she did get a 50-50 split with dad. It is quite possible for her to file for child support from both the father and your son if it is established that your son acted as a parent to the child.

There are a lot of variables to the situation, there is no way to give any solid advice with the little information provided.

[Gary M]

A solid pre-nup stating that he is not, and will not, stand in loco parentis is the only way (that I am aware of) to protect himself from a possible CS case down the road.

MAKE him understand that the vast majority of relationships fail and that failure to be practical and protect oneself in the beginning is just begging to be raped later. Sad, but true.

Cheers!

Gary

[dawnaneedshelp]

Thank you all so much for your info and advice, i will share this info with him, and let him make his own decision...
Im pretty sure he is not into being the step dad.... hmmm wouldnt that make me a step grandma???
Well anyways, i can wait till it happens the biological way, like in 5-10 years...lol
Dont get me wrong here, i like the girl well enough, and i think they are pretty happy together, but i dont want my son entrapped by her past.

Thanks again

[dinkyface]

I'd doubt that the courts would pay much attention to a 'don't intend to be an in-loco-parent' agreement if, after being dad#2 for 10 years, dad#1 disappears, they split and your son is asked for CS and later, university tuition.

Her legal costs could be $10K, or $100K. Could take 1 year, or 3.

Primarily, I'd want to make sure that she is not intending to freeload off him in order to fund her legal expenses (hey, now that we're living together I can afford a lawyer!! hmmm). Is she well employed, well educated, self-sufficient, industrious?

Secondly, the emotional toll this might take on him could be very heavy - family court seems to bring out the worst in everyone. But there's no protecting him from that, that's purely his call.

[dinkyface]

Im pretty sure he is not into being the step dad

THAT could be a big issue. She's going to be fighting desperately for something that he does not support?

[dawnaneedshelp]

Your right, ti may become a huge issue in their relationship, and its something they best work out before much longer. She couldnt try for custody even 50-50 while they were living at my home, as there wasnt a room for the child. So now that they are on their own, she wants to have more time with her son. Which i agree with 100%, i couldnt imagine not being with my kids for over 6 months, only seeing them occasionally. But thats just me.
They both have jobs, and can afford the place they are renting. She seems to be on the ball and not a lout. He wouldnt be with her otherwise. I dont think she is using him, but on the other hand sees him as a good catch.
So i just wanted to get some facts and let my son know where this can lead if he doesnt protect himself, from problems down the road.
Thank you all once again.

[HammerDad]

A pre-nup will most likely NOT remove any obligation for child support for the step-child if mom was ever to obtain custody of the child and their relationship was long lasting. It is the right of the child to be supported and live in a familiar lifestyle should the relationship breakdown (being her first marriage and/or her relationship with your son). You cannot contract regarding custody prior to the dissolution of the relationship. Prenups are not binding when it comes to custody.

If she only gets 50/50 custody, that may remove his obligation to the child. But then again, it may not. It would depend on the judge and the circumstances at that time.

IMO, he is in a catch 22. He wants the relationship with the mom but does not want to act as a parent to the kid because, if he acts as a parent to the child he may be on the hook for child support should they breakup. That will definitely cause some stress on his relationship. Now, the duration of the relationship to determine whether they are deemed common law will be grey (3 years in Ontario without a kid, pretty much instantly to 1 year with a kid). The question will be whether her child and the parenting time schedule leads one to believe he acted as a parent.

[dinkyface]

Given that bio-dad has custody now, it would seem unlikely that he would disappear in future (barring some amazing reversal in current roles/custody). However, it is possible that mom might disappear, especially if she remains non-custodial and visitation becomes difficult for some reason (money/distance/alienation). Then maybe bio-dad would be seeking support from step-dad? Seems weird, but possible I guess.