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  • New member to the site..hello everyone!

    Hello all,
    Wish we could have been talking about a different subject all together.

    A bit about my situation;
    My common law wife of 26 years got hooked on prescription weight loss drugs about 5 years ago. She suffered all the worst side effects;paranoia, taste change, change in touch etc.... and I had no idea she was on them. When we took her to the local hospital the doctor told her to get off them immediately! Dexedrine (speed) 3 times a day or about 100 pills per month.
    With this was a daily regimented workout almost at an obsession level. She looks incredible for a 45 year old.

    Last January, after much pleading from myself and my two daughters age 12 and 14 to get off them, she refused saying they did not affect her, she assaulted me, not violently but she was the aggressor. I restrained her to protect myself and let her go when she stopped resisting.

    She called 911, the police came, spoke to me, my girls and my wife all separately and they arrested her. She lived with her elderly aunt about 2 months and was later tossed out because she stayed on the drugs and did nothing to help herself. With nowhere else to turn, she slept in the local Walmart lot one night and contacted the kids in the morning.

    I called her (not supposed to talk to her) and told her to go to a local bed and breakfast to get some decent sleep and shower until we could find her a place pending her court date. She stayed about a month there and I paid for, B&B, groceries, so on.

    The Crown made a deal with her to get off the drugs in a controlled fashion under doctor's care and they would drop the assault charge and placed a peace bond on her for 1 year. She followed through and eventually came home. I spent about 3 months or so looking after the house, the kids, work etc until she returned. She blamed me for everything and the relationship suffered. I tried all I could to get her forget the past and lets move on. We went out for dinners, dancing etc, but it did not seem to work. She was angry and bitter at me.

    On July 1st, she attacked my 14 year old daughter and I called 911. The police did not want to do anything and recommended to me I leave her.

    We lived together, slept in separate beds and so on until we put our house for sale on Oct 15. On Oct 23, she assualted me again and my youngest daughter (12) called 911. The police arrived and again did not want to take action despite the Peace Bond. I told them if they did not act, I would get a restraining order iin the morning fro the JP. They decided to arrest her again. After 3 nights in jail, she was bailed out by her brother and he is her surety. Her brother is not helping much as I told him she needs medical or psychological help but all he talk about is lawyers, court and cleaning me out.

    I have defacto custody of the kids and they do not want to visit their mom who has turned into a chronic liar.

    My questions are;

    Can I get custody of the kids and will it be hard to do?

    Do I have to pay spousal support (she worked for cash cleaning houses) but she never really had a permanent job.

    I paid $150k down payment on the house (we both are on title) and there is about 250K equity in it. What is she entitled to?

    She wants the house sold today (she is hurting for money), what can I do to stall it? I may consider buying her out so the kids can stay here in the same house.

    I may try to buy out her spousal support with the house buyout. How could I work that and how would child support work in this equation?

    Sorry for the long story.....

  • #2
    The value of the house gets split 50-50. If you have documented reports of the abuse of the children then it's pretty likely you'd get custody and she'd have supervised access. (CAS should have been called?) In that case she'd pay you child support. She could apply for equalization of the house and assets PLUS spousal so be prepared for that. If there is no valid reason for her not to be working full time then she should be supporting herself and contributing to supporting the kids. If she isn't then ask to have an income imputed to her to reflect what her income would be if she was to get a full time job.

    If you can afford to buy her out of the house then it may be the best thing for the kids right now so they have something that stays consistent for the time being.

    Aside from that, stop making dumb choices. You had a peace bond, you broke the peace bond, things (predictably) went bad and police were called and you then expected them to enforce the peace bond. Protect yourself and the kids and respect that it's there to do the same.

    Welcome to the board.


    • #3
      May I bud in for a sec, but good to know all of those things.

      Hello everyone, I am in need of help, advice and/or ideas. I am currently waiting for a custody trial in May 2011, however, my ex wife may be deported before then, and has told me she will leave with our daughter, whether I like it or not (on top of that, I would never find them in Venezuela). My ex has had our daughter in her care ever since she left my home and refuses more time, even when our daughter wants more time with me, she thinks having our daughter all the time will grant her access to Canada. She has left me out of ALL decisions, even when my ex knows I want to be a part of our daughters life. With held contact via the phone just yesterday because I would not write a support letter, but I went to numerous appointments to help my ex stay here in Canada. She has lied to the courts and to her own lawyer, even knowing I have proof to prove it. My ex failed to register our daughter for school until I pushed the matter, and informed her that she would look bad in court. I have always put our daughter before any anger I may have, and I have always thought about our daughters needs and best interests first.

      What I would like to know, how do I go about getting temporary custody or at least 50-50 until the trial is over, just in case she does get sent back to her home country or tries to leave before hand? What are my chances?


      • #4
        Your chances of getting advice are much better in your other thread that you already started.


        • #5
          Ok thank you. Best of luck to you though.


          • #6
            Aside from that, stop making dumb choices. You had a peace bond, you broke the peace bond, things (predictably) went bad and police were called and you then expected them to enforce the peace bond. Protect yourself and the kids and respect that it's there to do the same.

            Welcome to the board.[/quote]

            Thanks for the advice....
            I didn't have a peace Bond on me, she did and she broke the peace bond. What dumb choice did I make? I'm not sure I get it.


            • #7
              Can you explain equalization? I understood what was mine was mine and hers hers...
              Yes CAS was called and involved and all the situation documented.


              • #8
                Firstly, In my common-law relationship where we were both on title with the home, the equity was not split 50/50. I was awarded my down payment back
                and retained 60% of the remaining equity because of contributions. So although it may be automatic 50/50 sometimes, this was not my experience because common law is treated different than marriage.

                Secondly, with the SS issue. My opinion is that yes she is entitled and the concern is she is not healthy could complicate matters and the duration.
                This appears to be a situation where SS could be a long-term order, I would do my best to buy her out,remembering that SS support payments are tax deductable,so you must factor that in your offer. Without knowing your income level, it is difficult to pinpoint with more certainty. best of luck


                • #9
                  Originally posted by lorlaman View Post
                  The Crown made a deal with her to get off the drugs in a controlled fashion under doctor's care and they would drop the assault charge and placed a peace bond on her for 1 year.

                  I think, bluntly, the dumb choice was to let your drug abusing violent wife come back into a situation where she had the chance to abuse your children. You had a peace bond against her... then it was your choice was to let her back into your and your children's home.

                  Now you have made a good decision to end things with your wife. So make your main focus on the kids. Don't worry about what her brother says, obviously he is not looking out for your children. Don't worry if your is getting the help that she needs. You couldn't help her when you were married. You won't be able to do it now. Only she can do that. Instead worry that your children are getting the psychological help that they need. Concentrate on how to minimize the pain that they are going through. Because, in spite of them saying that they want to visit her, they are going to be devasted that their own mother chose drugs and violence over her family. At 12 and 14 they are probobly incredibly angry - and underneath the anger - hurt that this is happening to them. First priority - Protect them & put them first.

                  Good luck to you and your girls.


                  • #10
                    It appeared at the time that it was only the drugs to be the cause of the problem. She has not as much pointed a finger at me in 25 years. No one did any psychological assessment and that could have been the real problem.

                    However, she may have other mental or psychological problems and they are not being addressed.

                    BTW, I make a bout 90K a year.


                    • #11
                      I paid $150k down payment on the house (we both are on title) and there is about 250K equity in it. What is she entitled to?
                      She is entitled to 50% of the net family income. (Joint Assets - Joint debts)

                      After the duration of the relationship, you will probably not be able to claim the 150K you put towards it.

                      You may wish to consult a lawyer or two regarding the common law/spousal support question, as it can vary wildly from province to province.

                      At a minimum, you want to get a court order for sole custody of the children, and exclusive possession of the matrimonial home. You WILL have to buy her out or sell the home eventually.

                      You NEED to close/freeze any joint accounts yesterday. Cancel any joint credit cards, get her OFF your car insurance, things like that. Stop paying ANY bills in her name. For any household services (TV, electric, etc) switch them to YOU asap.

                      Practice RADIO SILENCE. You communicate with her ONLY via email, and even then ONLY about the children's health, education and religious issues.

                      Eventually you will want to have an income imputted to her (even if it's just minimum wage @ full time hours). She WILL owe you child support if you maintain greater than 61% custody. In this instance, given the documented abuse, you want to request sole custody with supervised access for her, pending successful completion of drug and anger management treatment programs.

                      If the CCTB is NOT in your name currently, you need to IMMEDIATELY file form RC66 with the CRA to get it changed.


                      • #12
                        I called her (not supposed to talk to her) and told her to go to a local bed and breakfast to get some decent sleep and shower until we could find her a place pending her court date. She stayed about a month there and I paid for, B&B, groceries, so on.
                        You had a peace bond (no contact order?) on her and broke it but then wanted the police to enforce the order. You can't have it both ways. That would be the dumb part. I'm sure you weren't intentionally trying to make the situation worse but....


                        • #13
                          peace bond issue

                          Thanks for your reply but I think there is some confusion here.

                          When she was arrested, she could not come near the house or me until she answered to her charges in court. It is during this time (about 3 months) that she stayed at the B&B.

                          Once she agreed to get off the drugs under a program, and I thought this was the only problem, her charges were dropped. I accepted her back home thinking and being reassured by the doctors that she was drug free and OK. BTW, since she came home she has resorted to drinking but never out of control. She was then given a peace bond to be on her best behavior for 1 year at which point her record would be cleared.

                          However, she was bitter and blamed me for the whole thing saying I lied to police (the kids witnessed the whole thing) and she admitted to being the aggressor and kneeing me in the groin ). Although she didn't really hit (she did contact me) me I snapped and pinned her to the wall to avoid any more attack. As I said, this woman has never pointed a finger at me in 25 years. In fact, I had a relationship with her that was incredible and seemed endless. Most of my friends and family are in shock of the news saying they thought we had the greatest relationship.

                          Any way, she broke the peace bond when she attacked one of my daughters in July (CA was always involved) but the police did not do anything. When she attacked me again in October, the police were not eager to push the issue again until I threatened to go to the JP and get a restraining order. Then they said they were going to arrest her.

                          Yes you are correct I had a no contact order and I broke it (she as well) but it was to help as much as I could. I never blamed her for the mess because I don't believe the whole thing was her fault. But, I would have thought that she would never do the assault thing again learning from the first time. Not so.

                          I think the real problem with her is not being addressed but only the symptoms. She needs medical or psychological help. I have tried more than you can know to fix the relationship but she wants nothing to do with it.
                          I thought maybe she was fed up with me that I never married her even though we did talk about it, it never happened. On our anniversary of when we met, I bought her an engagement ring and proposed hoping this would help, she only answered,"I don't know what to say". That was the final answer, no yes and no no. The relationship quickly worsened from that moment. This happened only a month or so ago.

                          I cannot discount the many other possibilities that me may be here; she could have a medical condition causing her to be aggressive and out of character. A tumor, aneurysm, menopause who knows? There could be something life threatening and it is not being diagnosed or even considered. It is her disposition for 25 years that I base this on. I don't believe a person changes this dramatically over night. There is an underlying cause.

                          If there is something like that and can be cured or addressed didn't want the relationship to end because of something that could have been avoided. Relationship or not, she needs help. Serious help.


                          • #14
                            Reasearch Thyroid Disease and associated mental illness...

                            Please regard my post seriously.... Your wife may be suffering from mental illness, as a result of her amphetamine use, which could have damaged her Thyroid gland!!!

                            A little known fact is that the thyroid gland and associated thyroid stimulating hormones can have a profound effect on mental health.

                            Most people associate "thyroid disease".. with weight gain... but lesser-known, and much more devastating symptoms of thyroid disorders include mental, emotional, psychological, and cognitive disturbances.

                            Symptoms can vary from extreme depression, suicide (Hypothyroidism), to uncontrollable, violent outbursts...
                            (ie. Graves Rage/Hyperthyroidism/Thyrotoxic Psychosis)...

                            Common mental and emotional symptoms of hyperthyroidism can include:
                            • Severe anxiety
                            • Rapid mood swings
                            • Irritability
                            • Impatience
                            • Hyperactivity and restlessness
                            • Periods of fluctuating anxiety and depression"
                            Many people have been diagnosed with serious mental illnesses, including bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, psychosis, etc... when in fact, they have Thyroid Disease...

                            It is not common to associate a physical disease with mental disorders.. and the onset of the disease is typically very slow, it can take years to develop symptoms that are severe enough to cause concern....which is why most patients are completely unstable before they are diagnosed...

                            Couple that with the amphetamine addiction, and you've got a molotov cocktail disguised as your wife!!

                            I can't even begin to guess at the number of divorces that happen, and are a direct result of Thyroid Disease...

                            I believe you wife is suffering from a Thyroid disorder, due to your description of her unexplainable changes demeanor.. aggression.. and most importantly, the fact that you have known her for 25 years, and she is deteriorating... This is all very typical of a thyroid patient.

                            The good news is, is that if she is indeed suffering from Thyroid Disease... it is COMPLETELY TREATABLE... and once her thyroid levels are controlled with medication, she will regain her previous personality, behaviours, mannerisms, etc.

                            Unfortunately for many, by the time they are diagnosed, and begin treatment.. they have done so much damage their relationships... that it is too late to fix them..

                            Hopefully, that is not the case here... and if it is, then maybe she can at least save the relationship with her children??

                            Do some research, read the testimonials of patients and their family members... see how they compare to your situation...

                            Good Luck!

                            PS... I believe you still love your wife, which is why you have fought so hard to help her get clean, and supported her after she was criminally charged...

                            I don't think anyone should tolerate abuse... and I sympathize with you... and I feel for your children.

                            If your wife is suffering from Thyroid disease, it does not justify her actions... but maybe you will be able to understand them better..


                            • #15
                              Thyroid problem

                              Wow, I searched forever trying to find long term effects from the amphetamines and found nothing.

                              Now the thyroid issue!!

                              Is it possible it is hereditary? Her brother with whom she is living with, has had thyroid surgery.

                              Thanks for the update!!


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