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  • Afternoon

    New to all this and not sure where to start. Any advise would be welcome.

  • #2
    Some background would be useful...

    Nobody can offer any advise until they know what sort of information you are seeking. :-)


    • #3
      New to all this!

      Well I've been married for 12 yrs, together 20. He is an alcoholic, been through the tears and the I'm sorry's and thought he would change. Been through the physical abuse and still go through the mental. Everyday drinking and sitting on a computer. Spends no time with me or our 13yr old. What are hugs or kisses, haven't seen or had them in so long I forget. I want to leave but my question is where do I start. Do I just walk away or do I plan something, talk to lawyer etc. Like I said no idea where to start or how to go about it all.


      • #4
        You and your son deserve to be happy. dont lose sight of that. some men will never change, you need to accept that.and make healthy and safe decisions for yourself. at first the steps seem so out of reach, but plan your footing and walk steady, there is something beautiful waiting for you.


        • #5

          Some people will never change, men and women.


          Go get yourself to Al-Anon if you haven't already. That is step one.

          Go and get some free 1/2 hour consultations with a few lawyers. You don't have to follow through, but you would be well advised to educate yourself as to the lay of the land.

          Read some books, here's two for starters:

          Tug of War by Harvey Brownstone
          Surviving Your Divorce by Michael Cochrane


          • #6
            I would like to add this: DO NOT TELL HIM you are thinking of leaving until you plan things with a lawyer.

            If he gets one whiff of an idea that you are going to leave, he will feel threatened and threatened people act nutty. Given that he is lazy, you may not like how he responds.


            • #7
              Thanks, I do have a call into lawyer now just waiting. I also broke the news to my 13 yr old, didn't go well but he knows it is for the best. Another question I have found a house to rent, but needs furnished am I allowed to take anything from the house we have now or am I looking at all new furnishings.


              • #8
                your right what i should have written is that both men and womans behaviour will not change


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Blonde258 View Post
                  Thanks, I do have a call into lawyer now just waiting. I also broke the news to my 13 yr old, didn't go well but he knows it is for the best. Another question I have found a house to rent, but needs furnished am I allowed to take anything from the house we have now or am I looking at all new furnishings.
                  Don't know your dynamic at all, but to me it seems that telling your 13 old before telling your ex is way offside!!

                  Why wouldn't you try and work this through yourself for a while with some counselling and some legal advice, and then tell your husband first? Yes he's going to be sour and perhaps really out of it for a while. But he will eventually digest it.

                  You owe it to your son to give your hubby an opportunity to present a unified front to your kid as to why you are separating. It seems from this distant vantage point that you are treading into dangerous waters and may be setting the stage for a little PAS or at least forcing the kid to choose sides.

                  The child is no position to process this information from one parent. Yes the father may have acted very poorly and allowed his life to screw up for many years, but that doesn't mean that you and your son should team up.

                  Sorry for being so blunt, but telling him like that don't look good from here.


                  • #10
                    Understand what you are saying, but I will explain a little more to you on why I told my son. Because his father is in a drunken rage he goes to a hockey rink two hours before he even has to play just so he's not in the house. Because his father goes into a drunken rage we have had to leave in the middle of the night and go stay at a hotel till it passes. Has the father in the two years the 13 yr old has played hockey ever gone and seen his 13 yr old play, NO. The father that is so involved with playing poker on computer and drinking ruined a 13 yr olds Cristmas last year by staying up all night doing what is more important and not even being able to stand in the morning, that the 13 yr old didn't even bother opening gifts until the father went to bed. Or the day the father drunk again in a rage calls the 13 yr old a fat little bastard. No my son has been through enough and he deserves to know that finally his mother is standing up for them both and trying to make it better. That is why I told my 13 yr old.


                    • #11
                      So, your mind is made up, your son knows what is going on and what is going to happen.

                      Leave now then. Don't expect your son to live in the same house as his father when he knows this is happening - make the break - nothing underhanded - lay it out on the table for your husband.

                      Do you have possession of the rental house immediately?

                      Do you think that your husband will let you take some of the household furnishings? I know, I know, he doesn't sound like the reasonable type. So, you either take some stuff while he is not there and piss him off to no end, or try to piece together enough stuff from second hand shops, auctions, friends etc. to get by until you can put it together a little better.

                      Very little value is placed on household contents when your dealing with division of assets - it's more the hassle of it all. But, half of the value of it is theoretically split 50/50. Is that what you want to do?


                      • #12
                        I have made up my mind, and yes to immediate possession of rental house. And no I don't think I can tell him I'm doing this cause he will make my life a living hell until I do. And I am at a point 50/50 don't mean a thing to me. Willing to start all over again. He has us so far in debt now, I'm not sure how either one uf us will crawl out, for every time I bail him out he jumps back in with both feet. Right now I am just so tired of it all, and sad part is I still love him dearly but he/we need help and he's not willing so I have to move on.


                        • #13
                          It's hard, it's sad, it's a waste - but there is no way you are able to change your husband.

                          Al-Anon can help lots!

                          You need to create a healthier place for your 13 year old to live and be at peace if that is at all possible.

                          Beg and borrow enough furniture - beds, kitchen stuff etc. to get you by.

                          Your husband is already going to blow a gasket it sounds like. And if he ever calms down he may get something out of you to help pay debt down - but as long as he is sitting in the house, on the furniture, eating off the dishes, and drinking out of the glasses (!), you shouldn't even engage him unless it is about seeing the boy.

                          That being said - I doubt he'd notice things like some towels and sheets, and some plates and cups etc. Just be discreet, take stuff that's not used every day - that can help u a lot.

                          and - I'm sure you have been to hell and back already - this is just another chapter - you can do it.


                          • #14
                            That is how I thought I would do. Small at first so nothing missing and than the day I actually move I will take my son's bed, a spare bed for myself and a tv, all of which I have paid for. And as to visiting rights for the 13 yr old, doubt if he would go anywhere with him and not sure I could trust him to take our son. And somedays I think HELL is better than this, I just pray I go through with it all this time. Always make excuses for him and talk myself out of it. Your talking with me is a great help I really do appreciate it all. Thanks


                            • #15
                              Your very welcome.

                              The first step is the hardest.


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