Unusual Circ's

[InterprovincialParents]

lol...as you will see from reading the threads, we all have our pro-men and pro-women "moments"...but I think getting information and discussing issues from both sides affords an understanding of a position that perhaps one had not considered before...

[older/not wiser]

@blink and I'm gone, no he is not under such heavy medication he doesn't know what's going on. OTH, he does drink too much and I can't stand it. His lawyer is aware of our situation.

I have now displaced/herniated 3 discs with lifting him over the years, I have carpal tunnel, inflammation in my knees or better known as arthritis, I am pushing 60 and left my career long ago, to be his caretaker. I definitely will make sure I am financially secure, as is my right, as is my due.

If he does not comply with my request to quit drinking, there is no doubt I will eventually leave, but only after, I have secured my financial future. That is succinct. Meantime, his efforts have impressed me, but I have a limited patience factor, I have been dealing with this for many years, and I know my limits. Does he know mine? I don't know, but he better figure it out.
As I said in my first post, he is truly the most interesting mind/conversationalist/pro-feminist man I have ever met, so yes, I will hang in. Integrity is a factor as well. I do not want him to attend with me my daughter's 24th B-day party her bf's parents are throwing, as he is currently an embarrassment to me. No, this is not about Jones/Smith/NIMBY shit, truly he is mushed in the head and I just don't have the patience I did in my 40's.
Sorry if I was lacking in information, but I am scared, and I wondered if this site was all pro-guys who feel burnt, or if it was really egalitarian and equal.
I appreciate all comments, every one. Thank you. At least I can have a space where I can just tell it like it is without being constantly tailed.

[blinkandimgone]

I do hope if there are significant financial changes going on like him switching his insurance and pension to your name that he has some independant legal counsel advising him on whether or not it is a good idea. With him being highly medicated he wouldn't be in the best position to evaluate the financial implications of doing so and he could in the future use that to overturn any changes that were made if he was coerced to sign over his money while under the influence of prescription drugs.

[Rioe]

It was not my intention to come across as presumtuous, but you gave us limited information so I had to do some guesswork. I wasn't confused by your misuse of the term pre-nup. My main goal was to point out that you and he do not seem to be on the same page. You mentioned that he put his insurance and pension in your name, and that he's weaning himself from the morphine, and these actions are not those of someone expecting a separation. It sounds like he's working towards reconciliation by addressing the issues you brought up with him. And by promising him you'd stay with him to see this through, that provides more hope to him that he can salvage the relationship. Yet, you also mention that you want all compensation coming to you for being his caregiver over the years, and having him put his financials in your name right when you are intending to separate is verging on fraud. If it's unclear to us if you are going for separation or not, it's probably unclear to him as well, and that should be something you want to rectify instead of giving him false hopes.

You didn't have any specific questions in your post for us to address, so I went with general advice that took into account both possibilities, separation or not.

You and he are both going through a very difficult and emotional time with this situation and are faced with a lot of choices. There's no right or wrong decision to make at this point. Being a full-time caregiver can be a huge burden, especially with a patient who appears ungrateful. Have you thought about seeking counselling for that particular stressor in your life? You may find this helpful, and in addition to the improvements he is working to make for you, you could develop some perspective and certainty regarding your situation.

[Mess]

older/not wiser, rioe was not being presumptuous. You have used the term "prenup" several times. A prenuptual agreement is an agreement made before marriage setting out and limiting the terms of a divorce later on. "Nuptual" is marriage, pre-nuptual is pre-marriage.

When you say that you want a prenup, it comes across that you are doing one of two things: You are considering staying with hijm and are taking steps to cover a possible marriage breakdown later on, or else you have made up your mind to leave but you are going to deceive him and then take him to the cleaners.

What you really seem to want is a separation agreement. You have made up your mind to leave and you want the terms of splitting up written down. There is nothing wrong with this, but you can't say cat when you mean dog and then get snappy when people talk about cats.

[standing on the sidelines]

sometimes it takes a dose of reality to make someone see the light. Maybe he has realized that you are serious about leaving and now making changes to make it better for you so you will stay.

Good luck to you both

[dadtotheend]

I'm stunned with how much morphine he has weaned from in such a short time and yes it is being monitored by his physician.

Maybe he wants to stay with you and he's working hard to do that.

[older/not wiser]

@Rioe - that was a quite an answer, rather presumptious as well.
@logicalvelocity - no a workplace accident.

So far he is following through and I am glad of that. His health is important thing. Chronic pain is not something anyone would wish on their worst enemy, ever. I'm stunned with how much morphine he has weaned from in such a short time and yes it is being monitored by his physician. As for me, I'm still unsure. Hanging in for the time being.

[logicalvelocity]

Was the accident an automobile accident?

[Rioe]

I'm finding your situation very confusing. Are you definitely leaving, or just considering leaving him if he doesn't shape up? It sounds like he feels you've delivered an ultimatum, and not a decision, and is acting on it by getting into rehab, etc, to try to save his relationship with you. And I don't know why he would be putting his pension and insurance in your name when, if you're separating, he should be removing you! If you are definitely going with separation no matter what he works to improve, you may want to make sure he understands that as soon as possible, or you're just being cruel.

If you are really separating, what you want is a separation agreement, and it would be dated from when you began to live disconnected lives, physically, emotionally and financially. That date could certainly be before you actually move out. This could involve equalization and spousal support, depending on length of relationship, needs and arrangements and so on. Then you move out and leave him to his illness and someone else's care, and it would be up to him and your daughter, depending on her age, if they want to continue a parent/child relationship. You don't say if she's also his daughter, or from elsewhere, which could make a huge difference to that arrangement.

If you are just trying to make things more secure for you to remain together, based on his illness and erratic behaviour and any improvement rehab brings him, then some other contract might be more appropriate, but I'm not sure what it would be. If you want to continue to be considered a spouse, get a marriage type of contract, which I believe can be done at this date but only looking forwards, outlining each partner's responsibilities, especially financially as that appears to be your focus, and what would happen in the event of a future separation. If you want to lead your own personal life but still take care of him, transitioning to some sort of caregiver employment arrangement might be possible, whereby he pays you a regular amount out of his income to care for him as necessary. That would give you the financial security you indicate you need, but he would also be free to fire you and seek care elsewhere if he wants to.

However, I don't think you can retroactively just demand lump sum compensation for the years you cared for him after his accident as though you had been only a hired nurse and housekeeper all along.

[older/not wiser]

Oh I hadn't thought of that. But do people get a sep. agreement before they've even separated?
The appts to docs/lawyer have been made, all end of week.

[standing on the sidelines]

OK, I think when you say prenup you really mean separation agreement, which makes a lot more sense.

ya that is what i am thinking also.

[Mess]

OK, I think when you say prenup you really mean separation agreement, which makes a lot more sense.

[older/not wiser]

Thanks for that, good stuff. I sat down and calmly told him what my plans were.
He was very saddened and contrite. I told him I feel too insecure financially and feel used up. He called his lawyer and told him to put his pension, his life insurance in my name. He also told him to draw up a pre-nup that is fair to both of us and he will sign it. He is making arrangements to go to a Rehab. One of his nurses who comes in is helping him to make the arrangements.
Will he go? I don't know, rehab is difficult when a person uses pain meds. He said he will make an appt with his physician and get weaned from the morphine and wants a non-narcotic pain med. We will see. I am impressed he did so much in only 2 days, the telephone was burning up. Now he must follow through and I promised him I would stay to see how this unfolds. He even seems a bit cheerful now and again. Thanks again and I will let you know how it goes.

[Mess]

If he received compensation or insurance for his injury, you would not be entitled to it even if you were married.

If you were married the only additional compensation you could expect is an equal share of any increase in assets/savings since the date of marriage, but this does not include insurance settlements.

If you were married you would also have an equal share of the matrimonial home. Do either of you own the home you live in? If not then it is not an issue anyway.

If he owns the home and you have been putting labour and or money into it's upkeep then you can make a claim to get money back from this.

I'm not sure what kind of lawyer you were speaking to, that was really strange advice, and as standing on the sidelines says, such an agreement wouldn't stand up if you sign it and then leave, and he is on morphine for christ's sakes. He would have a slew of reasons to have that overturned.

You have every right to not want to be hit, and to want to leave, but it is also obvious that he is neither physically or mentally healthy. Your daugther can continue you know him and care about him without you living there. You should just separate, split your possessions and move out and sever your ties and leave it at that. If you share joint accounts then split these evenly, but you will be wasting your own money to try to go after his compensation or disability.