My god I need help

[Mess]

Tim, call your family doctor, make an appointment for asap, go in, say everything you told us with more emphasis on how you feel and a little less on the legal details.

You are going through a crisis, you need help. You won't get the help you need on the internet. We can give you some advice but this is beyond that.

And again I speak from experience, I didn't get on an upward spiral until I'd met with my doctor and I could never have dealt with the legal crap if I hadn't sorted myself out.

There's no shame in it, it is very real, and you can't do this alone.

[tugofwar]

I agree with Mess. Go talk to your doctor asap. I finally broke down and asked her to refer me to a psychologist and was the best decision I have ever made!!!!!! Seriously. You are in the worst stage right now and things will go up and down. I won't lie but you will in time get stronger and just keep saying
"THIS IS FOR MY CHILDREN!!!" Suicide is just the most SELFISH thing you could do. THINK ABOUT your children, they need you in their lives, to fight for them, really if you go, is it ok for them to just have a half ass mother as you described her.
Don't worry about her, her feelings, how she will react. ITS NOT ABOUT HER ANYMORE and the only way to get help is if you ask for it!
There is light at the end of the tunnel, money is money but you want and need to be mentally fit inorder to do what's best for the children.

[Tim Cash]

I feel weak , and its been 3 long long yrs of this and me protecting her feelings , but I get what your saying , I am a 38 yr old man who feels dead inside , and lost . I just want to be a good father.

[tugofwar]

Then just do it then, be a good father! Im sure your great at it so continue doing what you have to.
My child doesn't have a father that's involved in her life, see's her here and there. What can I do about it?
I have to make sure that my child gets everything she needs from me and not depend on him. I want them to have a relationship but I also need to protect us in case that's not what he wants. Do I think he loves his daughter? Yes somewhere deep down but just isn't able to show it right now.
There are people on here with really bad situations, domestic abuse, drugs, alcohol etc.
So, get your head out your ass and start living for your children.

[tugofwar]

AND STOP THINKING ABOUT HER!!!!! IT"S NOT ABOUT HER ANYMORE!! Grow a backbone, stand up to her regarding the children. FIGHT for what you believe in and in the whole process do and keep thinking about your actions. Don't add fuel to her fire.
Think about all the fun stuff you want to do with the children. Look spring is coming around the corner and the weather is getting nicer.
If your scared of being alone, don't worry I think we all think that way but you need to get strong and you need time to heal. Go out with friends, do things that you enjoy. Go for a walk, exercise, listen to loud music, whatever just to give yourself a break.
Im only 34, have a wonderful daughter and a bright future with her, I couldn't have asked for anything more. No man or relationship is worth the price of my little girl!
I would rather walk down the street holding her little hand and a big smile on my face then to walk and hold hands with a man who doesn't love me anymore...
sorry for the tears...

[Tim Cash]

I try to talk with her in regards to the kids , but it always has to be by e-mail, as she refuses to turn her phone on , she finds it very easy to belittle me via text , I get the point I need to forget about her feelings , I really do , BUT she is the mother of my children that will never change. I come from a broken family that had abuse and all sorts of problems. She did as well and I do realize her baggage and all that comes with it, her ex was violent with her. So I try to be understanding of that and TRY to forget all the things she has done and said , but I gota tell you ....Its no longer an easy thing to do. 3 days ago I was a good father , today....looser , deadbeat , and the worst person to ever walk the earth. lol now look I used to be a very proud man secure in every way, but she has reduced me to a shell of a man , a recluse . The kids adore me and it really bothers her because she feels she does everything and I don't deserve the love? But I'm not sure what ...and I now know your a woman so PLEASE do not take offense when I say this ...but isn't it expected that if you have custody of them you are expected to care for them as I am in a different town and not able to feed them or bath them or put them to bed? None of this was my choice , they were taken from me , and I just feel like because I don't lover her , im a bad father...

[Tim Cash]

Ok wait a min...loll first of all thank you sooo much for caring and taking the time to talk with me ...BUT I do Love her but only as the mother of my children , I have been in this for them and them only , its when I try to remove myself from this sick relationship this all begins. Just wanted to clear that up.

[tugofwar]

WHO cares what she says or thinks! It's what you think and what your children think or say.
Have you ever thought about both seeking professional help together? If for anything for the children's sake.
You did the right thing by coming here! There are amazing people willing to help and offer some great advise.
She on the other hand.... if she doesn't get help then will continue on acting the way she is.
BUT you, you have the choice. You came here. This is like therapy. I was a mess when I started, posting bashing stories about the ex when I didn't really know what was going on.
I got my butt kicked a few times here by some senior posters and Im so glad I got that butt kicking because it made me think differently. I know how to relate and deal with a difficult ex. Stooping down to their level only adds fuel to their fire but once you are standing on your own two feet and approach her differently, she honestly won't know what to do and in the end she comes out looking like the a@#! Seriously!
The only way to better yourself, talk to a professional! I know it's easier said then done but honestly, if you want what's best for your children you will do it for them! YOU will come out the stronger person, you are going to love the person you have become. TRUST ME !!!

[Tim Cash]

WOW your not going to belive this....she broke into my house , tonight while I was at work....

[Tim Cash]

this is just out of hand.

[dadtotheend]

I got my butt kicked a few times here by some senior posters and Im so glad I got that butt kicking because it made me think differently. I know how to relate and deal with a difficult ex.

Now it's time for Tim to get his butt kicked.

Dude, you've been a member here for less than four hours and you have posted 14 times (edit: oops make that 16 - during the time it took to write that post, you posted another two times, including the "breaking in" post) about how life is kicking you in the ass. You've been advised to seek some counselling/therapy for yourself, but you keep coming back about how f'ed up you are. I believe you are messed up, but the kind of emotional support to be found here is not deep enough to fix the problems you are describing.

Yes, you will get emotional support here but is sure sounds like you could benefit from some one on one counselling, if not crisis management. Give Families in Transition a look, http://www.fsatoronto.com/programs/families.html, they help people in separation and divorce. At the very least, acknowledge that you will do that before coming back with another set of posts about how crappy life is for you.

This place will provide sound legal advice and strategic guidance to you about the things that matter in family law:

1)Custody and access
2)Possession of matrimonial home
3)Spousal support
4)Child support
5)Equalization of family property
6)Divorce

Realize that you will make friends here by researching, posting, asking questions, contributing to the dialogue as you gain experience, and adding the wisdom that you will gain as you familiarize yourself with the board.

But make no mistake, this is not the place to pour all your emotions out at the very beginning in the hopes of fixing yourself. The counsellor's office is the place to do that.

We're not psychologists, psychiatrists or mental health professionals. We are a bunch of clowns who have been down the road and offer the benefit of our experiences wading through the (often times very unfair) process of separation and divorce so that we can strategise together and guide each other and others as to how the family law system works so that we don't make critical mistakes that could cause us to lose our ($) shirts or worse, our children. We provide a place where suckers in the court system can share their experiences and avoid making the mistakes that we would inevitably make by blindly following the lawyers and/or judges.

Let out your emtional burdens here gradually. Focus on the issues in your separation that you can get solid help from here and let the emotional support come along for the ride, not be the ride.

[tugofwar]

Do you have a lawyer? You probably should get one. DONT DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's probably better you don't talk to her until you get some help.
If the house is joint, then there's nothing you can do about it right now, she does have the right to break in. Sorry. Why would she have done that?

JUST DONT ADD FUEL TO HER FIRE. I would cut off all talks, emails, texts until you find out what you can do for yourself.

[Mess]

Look, at the moment it is her house too, and I'm sure she has belongings there.

If she was just there getting her stuff, guess what? She came while you weren't there, that is the smart thing to do.

If she vandalized anything or took your stuff, then call the police. Don't screw around if she actually broke the law, but entering a house she is joint owner of, this isn't against the law.

Step back and calm down.

Secondly, thank your lucky stars she insists on communicating by email only. You have an easy record of any abuse, nasty remarks, threats or even reasonable offers and agreements. There are dozens of people here who would be thankful if their ex's only communicated by email.

1- Focus on your child(ren). After a short (yes short) relationship you may not end up with tons of access to the step child. You will have to face that. If she asks for support for the step, you can ask for access. Let this play out on it's own.
2- You need to insist on regular 50/50 time share with your own child. There is no exception, do not accept excuses, make sure you have time with her now, or you will lose custody and only have visitation. Don't screw around with this, I don't care how upset you are now, you will be worse later if your ex gets full custody because you have been doing nothing but feel sorry for yourself.
3- Email her, and be happy she emails back. You do NOT have to work things out with her. You work things out with a therapist. She is your ex, she is gone. Talking with her isn't going to heal your emotions, and trying to insist on it will only end you up with harrassment charges.
4- Sort out your house, pack your stuff. Start sorting bank statements and other records. Get your mind off your sorrow and focus on the math for a while. If you can't focus, get the hell into your doctor's office.
5- You need a budget, you need a plan. You need to sort out your goals. If something isn't a step toward your goal, then it is a waste of valuable time and energy. Your goal is making a life for you and your child.

Focus on that stuff for a while and then move forward with other steps when you are able.

Buy the book "Surviving Your Divorce" by Michael G Cochrane and read it. Buy the book "Tug of War" by Harvey Brownstone. Read it. Buy them tomorrow and read them this week and don't make any major moves until you have finished them. I'm not kidding, these books will save your life, you think it's over, these will help you deal with it.

You need to focus on a lot of hard work ahead of you and you need to make the right moves and you need to not waste your time and money. Start with those books and come here and lots of people will help you.

[Tim Cash]

Thank you both and again sorry for venting. I do know a little and I do know she is NOT able to walk in here after 2 yrs , I have a tenant and she must follow laws in regards to his privacy. Why did she ???? to try and prove my home is unfit , dirty dishes, stuff like that , im sure she had camera in hand , so look dadtotheend, your right no more venting .....now I am going for what I belive is right.

[tugofwar]

Now it's time for Tim to get his butt kicked.

Well put dadtotheend!
See that's why this forum is great.
Not only are you getting both sides of the story (male, female, mom, dad,step parents etc)

You will find ones with hearts that sympathize with you, ones with brains that will get you thinking, ones with BIG kickbutt boots to kick you and make you stop feeling sorry for yourself, legal ones that keep it right down to the point!

WHAT A GREAT SITE AND BLESS THE DAY I FOUND IT!!!