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  • Hi I'm new

    Well this is all really new to me.
    I married when I was nearing my late 30's. I thought this was a good time. I was a single parent at the time and he was really good to her.
    Prior to us getting married I got very sick I almost died and soon after I was getting better we married. During our reception he disappeared for a couple of hours and would never explain where he went.
    After that life changed. I was led to believe that he was cheating. He started treating my child differently. He was never abusive in the traditional sense however emotionally and psychologically he was and is. He became lazy at home and did nothing.
    Even though I couldn't work and was still sick and always will be I was expected to do everything even on my bad days.
    I have been pushed to the edge of my wits on many occassions thinking I was going crazy. And knowing that it wasn't me it was him doing it to me.
    Last year (after 15 long years of marriage, with me trying to keep us together) he informed me that the only reason that he was staying was because he couldn't afford to leave. He believes all our problems are my fault. He has tried to get me to take pills, make me so mad that I would yell and scream and then got mad and pouty when I didn't. tried to make me crazy by being really nice to me and now he is mad because I am going back to school so that when we do separate I can work from my home. He knows he is losing control of me and he hates it.
    He is trying to force me to leave but I don't have any money or a job I don't drive I can't work outside of the home and no credit. He has a good job, money, a car he can come and go as he pleases but he won't leave.
    He says I should leave cause I have less things to move out.
    I guess my question is when we met he moved into my furnished two bedroom apartment with only his stereo, clothes, and a few pans and utensils and I had worked hard for years to get what I had. It seems that he is not going to send me off with anything I came in with.
    Can he do that?

  • #2
    Only if you let him.

    Both spouses have a right of equal possession of the matirmonial home. In your case it's a rented apartment, so it's not nearly as complicated as an owned home. You want to separate. Why not try sourcing out places to leave. As long as you two butt heads over who leaves, he will maintain a degree of control over you, which is one of distasteful traits you have described about him.

    From the limited facts you describe, you would seem to have a claim for spousal support, and probably child support as well.

    Starting making plans to move, and move on.


    • #3
      thanks dadtotheend

      Well thanks for your answer
      Thats what I thought as well. However I must make a stand somewhere and for me now this is it. Support for me for sure but my "child" is living on her own and getting ready to marry so no child support.
      He and I had a discussion about it last night and he may be willing to bend on who moves so we'll see. But he now wants us to do up a separation agreement without lawyers and there is NO WAY I will do that. He is entitled to a good pension and benefits and raises every year. I supported him while he went to school for his work so I believe that I should be entitled to something. I don't want to gouge him but I also don't want to have to line up at the soup kitchen while he lives on High Street.


      • #4
        A separation agreemenet drawn up without being reviewed with independant legal advice on both sides is not worth the paper it is printed on.

        Find yourself a new place, move your stuff there and find yourself a lawyer ASAP. You are entitled to spousal support if he basically supports the household. Average is 6months - 1year per year of marriage. Depending on age/health/etc, this could potentially be lifetime, but don't count on it. Do not wait to file for spousal support, there is usually a timeline involved. IF you are going to do this, do it straight away


        • #5
          Yes I have an appointment this week with my Lawyer. I am sure that one of us will be gone after that cause as far as I can tell he will not like what the lawyer has to say.
          He seems to think that he will only have to pay a minimal amount of support even though he has a really good job and he is counting on ODSP stepping in and topping it up. Rumor is that he has said he would be willing to quit his government job and take a minimum paying job just so that he doesn't have to pay me much. He doesn't believe I deserve anything because apparently fairies came into the house while he slept and did everything. All the housework, making meals, paying bills, etc.etc.etc. He's mad now because he wants to know what I am going to say to the lawyer and how much I am going to ask for and he's really mad cause he can't come to the lawyers with me. Thing is I believe he has access to a free lawyer cause he is a government union or at least it is a lot cheaper than I am going to have to spend even though I have no money.


          • #6
            He can quit his job all he wants. If you search around on here, you'll see that the courts would deem that voluntary and he would if required to pay, would pay based on his income should he be working.


            • #7
              Make sure to ask your lawyer up front to keep track of how much time/$ is spent specifically on the spousal support. It is tax deductible for you, but you will need to give CRA documentation/letter from your lawyer.

              Here's more info from JP Boyd's BC Family Law Resource: Spousal Support

              "The portion of a lawyer's bill attributable to enforcing a spousal support order is tax deductible. It used to be the case that the cost of obtaining or defending a claim for spousal support was not deductible, however the Canada Revenue Agency changed it's opinion on this in 2002, following the decision in Gallien v. The Queen:
              "We now consider legal costs incurred to obtain spousal support under the Divorce Act, or under the applicable provincial legislation in a separation agreement, to have been incurred to enforce a pre-existing right to support."
              Note the difference in treatment between spousal support under the Divorce Act and spousal support under the Family Relations Act.
              To claim these deductions, the lawyer must write a letter to the Canada Revenue Agency setting out what portion of his or her fees were attributable to advancing a spousal support claim. If you intend to ask your lawyer for a letter like this, you must tell your lawyer as soon as possible, preferably the moment the lawyer takes your case. The lawyer will be required to keep a log of his or her time spent on the claim, and many lawyers will be unable to winnow out the parts of their bills dedicated to spousal support that were recorded long ago."

              Here's the CRA reference to the change:


              • #8
                Well I was at the lawyer's yesterday and have found out how much I am entitled to. I will be proudly ensconced in poverty about 10 thousand below the poverty line while he is comfortable living at about 22 thousand above. And I will still have to pay my share of the debt, which I don't mind I just don't know how I am supposed to and with what. It should take me into my next life time lol cause I won't get it paid in this one.
                All of my time with the lawyer will be spent talking about support so I will keep that in mind at tax time to get everything from the lawyer. Thanks for letting me know that I didn't before you. That's great.
                I actually laugh when he says he will quit his job, he likes the money toooooo much and he has very very very expensive tastes hence the amount of debt we have and that we have no savings. He does what he wants when he wants and thought that when I said we need to save for the future I sounded like his mother telling him what to do which made him spend more. It just ticks me off so much that after all the crap I have put up with from him this is what I end up with. I wanted something fair and this just doesn't seem fair to me but I guess that is the justice system.


                • #9
                  You could always offer to take a smaller amount for spousal support if he will allow you to sign off the debt and he will pay it. Just make sure it is all done through the lawyers and is legal as you wouldn't want that coming back later.


                  • #10
                    Why don't you apply for legal aid.Even though you have a house it will be kept on lien.Apart from getting a 300/hr lawyer at 93/hr legal aid also keeps a track of the time.In my 2 year litigation it was a 11000 bill.I paid 5500 when the litigation was over and rest i was awarded costs because of him acting totally unreasonable.

                    Forgot to add when i was in court again without legal aid demanding CONSENT TO TRAVEL I paid 1700 .;-(.
                    Last edited by sufferer; 02-26-2010, 07:49 PM. Reason: add more


                    • #11
                      Thanks good idea for legal aid. I will find out.
                      Apparently we have a meeting with both lawyers and ourselves to sort things out. It seems that only the pension is in dispute and he doesn't want me to have any of it. My life span is at best 10years although I know that no one really knows their life span however I have several illness that have shortened mine significantly. I'm sure he would like to have me wait another 20-25 years until it matures and he retires before I get any of the pension. But if that is the case I won't get any of it because I won't be around and he is of the belief that I won't be around in 5 years so he wants all the money he can get to keep.
                      I was the one who convinced him to go after this job for our future but he seems to have forgotten that of course. He says we were saving for our future but now he is just saving for his. He also says that I have lived in poverty before I should be used to it and should have no problem doing it again and I survived. Such a sweet guy!!!!!


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