I'm new and need help with access & dad's alcohol use

[icdt09]

I am ending my marriage with a man who is a very heavy drinker. We have 2 schoolaged children and are going through mediation. I have been advised to be patient, to not get his backup, to not try to prove his drinking problem and to let the process happen. We're heading to joint cusotdy with 50/50 access!!!

I'm very concerned that my "patience" in our discussions will result in my losing my primary goal of protecting the kids. I've lived with this man for many years and have done enough research on alcohol abuse to be confident that this is abuse. I could rhyme off many instances of irresponsible parenting when he's under the influence and the kids are visibly affected by our home life (emotionally and behaviourly - no physical abuse). I'm not all that familiar with family and don't know that I'm doing the right thing with mediation.

Has anyone has a similar situation? I want to help my kids - not leave them unprotected 1/2 the time. Help!!!

[Suchislife]

While I'm all for mediating out of court, you must make your concerns heard.

If a person is a heavy drinker there is a great possibility that care of the children will not be #1. Drinkers like to pop out, forget about dinner, be moody etc....

If you are uncomfortable deep down in your heart for pure safety reasons and not out of selfishness, than make your wishes for visitation clear.

You don't say how old the children are but young adults are better able to look after themselves while still having fun at the drinking parents home. They can make their own decision about how much time they can handle there while maintaining the relationship.
Younger children need more reliability.

[dadtotheend]

Ask for an OCL investigation.

[icdt09]

He's always been a happy drunk, has never missed something like a meal or lost a job. I'm concerned about drinking and driving and whether he can respond to an emergency if a child needs to get to the hospital for instance. He's got a history of drinking and driving and has done some on a couple of occassions with the kids. It's his sense of "responsible drinking" i.e. when it's no longer safe to drive. Or how he argues and puts down our child after drinking. He's also dead set that he has no problem...of course.

My kids are 11 and 13. I hate to put the responsibility on them to say no to getting in the car with Dad or to call the police or to call me for a ride. It's not right that he goes for "a couple" while our child is at practice and another parent needs to stay behind to wait 15 mintues for him to return (they walked to practice) or chose to stay out for drinks instead of getting home to help the child who needed help with homework.

I'm told that if I try to prove his drinking gets in the way of his being a responsible parent when he has them that it could cost $30k or more and that it's incredibly hard to prove. I'm thinking it's the route I need to take though because he's not budging on anything in mediation.

[icdt09]

what is an OCL investigation?