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Why didn't someone tell us life was this hard?:)

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  • Why didn't someone tell us life was this hard?:)

    I too am in a tricky situation.

    Its common Law, and so I have only the assets that I brought into the relationship, which is nothing, while he has the house and cottage and and and car and secure job in a place where his family all live. Meanwhile, with my part time job I can't afford another car, (we live in the country) unless I work fulltime, (which means lookiing for another job that may or may not pay what I get right now) which means I'll be working just to pay for the daycare and the second car. All my family is across the country. I've seen them once a year, at my own expense.

    I also was a child of divorce at a time when I was the rarity. Now its common, but at the time, we were the one's "without the dad".. were the odd famiyl out. My mother had 3 kids all under the age of 6, she was 25 years old, living in a new city without her family around to help. And I watched her struggle with money and with her self esteem, and we spent a LOT of time in other people's care.

    I think we all have choices, and sometimes we feel we have to put the kid in day care 50 hours a week. BUt let's be honest, that does mean we are paying someone else to raise the kids and as child from all this, i can tell you, all I wanted was my mother back. I hated being in daycares. So, now we have an entire generation (s?) of kids raised in daycares from day one, And maybe the kids won't care so much, because that will be the norm, and they won't know any different. However, the majority of the friends and family i have who all have their kids in daycare 10 hours a day were children of a stay at home parent, at least until they went to school. I wonder if we really know what not having Universal daycareand a true social saftey net will really do to our future.
    Anyway, I'll leave that tangent behind.
    What I wanted to ad was that, with all the feminism we had in the 70's, have we really come that far? there are still so many women, through their own choices and maybe their spouses, who are under someone's thumb. I too feel trapped. I can either fight with a lawyer, which is dirty and expensive, only to find i have to rely on the ex for chidcare help, or for money help. What good is it to fight the person and trap them further when they are the ones who you may need money from, or help with the kids? If I fight and take what I actually think is fair and mine, It will put him in such hard jam I can't imagine ever getting along with him again. (Not that we get along that well now, but we are at least mostly civil at the moment).

    Life is too short to stay in such a situation, but to get out is a labrynth. (at least for me)
    Sigh.
    So, I'm staying put until I get a good answer and a plan. There's so much of my soul that has been chipped away while being here, I just want to go. My self esteem can't take it much longer.
    My "ex" and I have been sleeping in seperate bedrooms for 3 years. He was/is controlling, verbally abusive and manipulative, he wants to dictate everything and he does this because he thinks I deserve it. And because i was never beated, I didn't think this was all abnormal.
    I'm the last person I thought would be in such a situation, since I was always adamant that i didn't want a broken home with kids, I saw how hard that was, and That i was always the first person to stand up for injustice. But after having a child, I felt so vulnerable. I needed Him, for financial support, for help (not that he was ever much help, I can count on my hand the number of times he's put our child to bed for instance). I think with the child being a toddler now, almost preschooler, i can finally get some energy back, i can imagine her in daycare a little more often (she goes part times right now).
    The kicker about getting out I suppose was watching him treating me badly in front of our child, and watching her get upset. and He would go on and on, I would ask him to stop and leave the room with our daughter, He would yell out something like me using our daughter as a tool, and then he goes on yelling in mock snide conversations to himself but loud enough for us both to hear, "the only way you'll get anywhere is on you back", and other character assisinations. Oh, and one day, I accidentally called him by the name of an abusive step father we had, and I suddenly realised hmm, that's it then. This is done.
    He has told me he wants me out, many times, in mean ways. He controls what he thinks I can and can't do. Anyway, Its over, But we are still in the same house. He won't leave, and I won't leave without knowing the best plan of action.
    I want to just quit my job, pack up the things that are most precious (actually they are already packed) and go to my parents house in another province until i can figue what we can do., but I'm scared that i could get arrested for abduction or something. And if I leave the hosue now, I fear I will not be able to move closer to my family later. trapped.

    So, family law, thus far, seems to want to screw over both parents, in the best interest of the child of course.
    We need to inform more of our future generations of the ramifications of what it will really mean if you get married, have kids, and it doesn't work out. The truth is frightening.
    I get it now. And I hold a little candle of hope in my heart for a better life, for me, and for all of you too.

  • #2
    ps forgive the spelling mistakes! a cas of childus interruptus.

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    • #3
      one more thing:

      I have stayed because in part, I don't want to hurt anyone, i don't want to take a parent away from a child or the child from the parent. I know how hard that was, to watch the parental resentment being sucked up in a smile of "see you later". A kid is more aware of it that we think. Beyond that this is the order i intend to focus on: child/Me. and then him. I don't want our daugher learning that its ok for a man to treat a woman like this, lest she just do what I did: repeat history.
      sigh.

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