Omitted from funeral ! Just venting

[May_May]

I know I'm expecting some decency and kindness (which is too much apparently in this situation)...but I need to vent.

I just found out that my stbx's uncle passed away this week and the funeral was today. I'm gutted that my x didn't tell me about it so I could attend. He was one of my favourite people in his family, and I visited him a couple of times in the hospital last year. I found out through one of my x's cousins today via email (I was too late in checking to attend).

After spending over 15 years with someone, their family becomes yours (usually). I'm sad I never got the opportunity to pass along my condolences to his family ! sigh...

(I won't say anything to him as to if he's done it on purpose (not by accident) and I don't want to start a fight as this is small 'stuff'....)

[standing on the sidelines]

nothing to stop you from sending a nice card with a note in it expressing your condolences.

Maybe your ex thought you wouldnt want to come, maybe it was immediate family there maybe a hundred different reasons for it and not that he did it on purpose.

[blinkandimgone]

Or perhaps you could be the bigger person and extend condolences to your ex as well, I'm sure it's not an easy time for him either. Perhaps you'll start a trend in the 'doing something thoughtful for your ex' category.

[mummer1962]

Don't feel bad, when Respondent went to Afghanistan, we didn't know if he died if his daughter would be able to attend funeral as he did not even tell her he was going.

[May_May]

Or perhaps you could be the bigger person and extend condolences to your ex as well, I'm sure it's not an easy time for him either. Perhaps you'll start a trend in the 'doing something thoughtful for your ex' category.

Hi Blink...Already done ! I sent him an email when I found out...Great suggestion from you though. You are always very positive and democratic ! I don't think I'll ever get to the point where you are with your ex...but being civil all the time (and receiving it) is a nice thought !

[blinkandimgone]

Sorry for your loss.

[billm]

Or perhaps you could be the bigger person and extend condolences to your ex as well, I'm sure it's not an easy time for him either. Perhaps you'll start a trend in the 'doing something thoughtful for your ex' category.

Great contribution. So powerful to look at it from 'their' point of view.

[Tayken]

I know I'm expecting some decency and kindness (which is too much apparently in this situation)...but I need to vent.

I just found out that my stbx's uncle passed away this week and the funeral was today. I'm gutted that my x didn't tell me about it so I could attend. He was one of my favourite people in his family, and I visited him a couple of times in the hospital last year. I found out through one of my x's cousins today via email (I was too late in checking to attend).

After spending over 15 years with someone, their family becomes yours (usually). I'm sad I never got the opportunity to pass along my condolences to his family ! sigh...

(I won't say anything to him as to if he's done it on purpose (not by accident) and I don't want to start a fight as this is small 'stuff'....)

Did your children get to attend the funeral. Considering you are now living separate and apart I don't see why you would want to involve yourself in the other party's family matters.

I know this sounds cold but, many people would not want the person they are separating (and divorcing from) to attend their family functions. Would you want the other party to attend your family functions?

The best thing to do is to emotionally detach yourself from the members of his family. It doesn't sound like anyone else in the family called to invite you either from what you have written.

I know this sounds cold but, it is time you moved on. You are separating and divorcing not just your "stbx" but, the life you had when with him. Your life is different. Embrace the difference and move on. It is hard to do but, it is what happens.

In the span of an 80 year life the 15 years you were married is only 18.75% of your total time on this earth. Why make it longer by worrying about things like this and letting it bother you?

Good Luck!
Tayken

Good Luck!
Tayken

[MommaMouse]

Did your children get to attend the funeral. Considering you are now living separate and apart I don't see why you would want to involve yourself in the other party's family matters.

I know this sounds cold but, many people would not want the person they are separating (and divorcing from) to attend their family functions. Would you want the other party to attend your family functions?

The best thing to do is to emotionally detach yourself from the members of his family. It doesn't sound like anyone else in the family called to invite you either from what you have written.

I know this sounds cold but, it is time you moved on. You are separating and divorcing not just your "stbx" but, the life you had when with him. Your life is different. Embrace the difference and move on. It is hard to do but, it is what happens.

In the span of an 80 year life the 15 years you were married is only 18.75% of your total time on this earth. Why make it longer by worrying about things like this and letting it bother you?

Good Luck!
Tayken

Good Luck!
Tayken

I agree, although it's nice to get along with X's family but most of the time you divorce the x, his family and his friends. Everyone feels they must choose a 'side' and it's a huge adjustment. When I lose a family member I will not be inviting my X. I wouldn't want him there and that stress on top of my greif.

It's good that you sent on your condolences and if you feel the need go to the uncles grave, take some flowers and say goodbye in your own way.

[Tayken]

I agree, although it's nice to get along with X's family but most of the time you divorce the x, his family and his friends. Everyone feels they must choose a 'side' and it's a huge adjustment. When I lose a family member I will not be inviting my X. I wouldn't want him there and that stress on top of my greif.

It's good that you sent on your condolences and if you feel the need go to the uncles grave, take some flowers and say goodbye in your own way.

Very good and very sound advice. I agree.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[lorlaman]

My ex and I split in October of 2010, after 25 years, 1/2 of my lifetime. Her mother passed away Dec 17, 2010, and I sent my condolences to her through my kids. My ex had a peace bond to stay away from me and the house so I couldn't talk to her directly. I went to the funeral home to visit my mother in law and was warned my ex would call the police. While my ex waited outside, I spent 1/2 hour paying my respects to her mother and family. The police were not called, and if they did, had no business with me.

I then went the mass 2 days later prior to the burial. Outside at the church, I waited until everyone went inside and thought I would sit at the back and unnoticed. I decided that my ex would think I was trying to cause trouble. I prayed in the car, cried for a good 15 minutes at the loss of a woman that was just as much a mother to me, and left.

On Jan 05, 2011 my dad passed away. I received no condolences, no card, no visit, absolutely nothing from my ex. In my dad's jacket, I placed a family photo of us; my ex, my two girls and I with a goodbye message on the back. My dad didn't know we had split up.

A funeral is not a place to bring up differences between people. It is where we pay respects to our beloved and where maturity is paramount. We need to put aside our differences, be adults, compassionate and respectful; no police involvement, no fights, no in-differences. It is where losses are realized and mourned that do not compare to any loss incurred in a separation.

In August 05 2011, my kids and their mother visited the cemetery; my ex's first time there since the burial 9 months before and where both my dad and her mom are buried. At her mother's grave, my ex cried, naturally. They then visited my dad's grave and my ex broke down hysterically and was inconsolable, saying over and over while sobbing,"I'm sorry I didn't come to your funeral" a vast difference from her reaction at her mom's grave. She then sat in her car with my kids for a 1/2 hour unable to drive.

I visit and keep in touch with her family regularly. Her aunts and uncles are still part of me and my kids family. My ex does not keep in touch with them and my kids would not see them at all if I did not visit them..

IMO, the families should not be involved in the breakup. They should be no different then the way kids are in a separation; take no sides, favour no-one, and leave the relationship issues to the parties that split. Visitation should go on similar to separated parents. No-one is supporting my ex's decision to split up and I appreciate their friendship and welcome when I visit. My visits are not intended to show support in who they favour. They are based on my friendship with them over 25 years. In my situation, I lost only my ex in the breakup, only my ex and no-one else.

[High Road]

@Lorlaman. I think your opinion is bang on!