Are there any benefits to being a NCP?

[SadDad2010]

I guess I'm feeling down about not having my kids living with me right now (they are teens)...I've been separated for 9 months and am still working out the division of assets. I've tried discussing shared custody with my EX as I would like to have it written in the separation agreement that once I have a house, we will share custody...she proposed full custody with a wait and see attitude...ie. Wait til you get a house then we'll see. Of course, it's a catch 22, since I can't get a house until I have a separation agreement. and I can't get shared custody until I get a house.
So...I'm asking this question sort of tongue in cheek "Are there any benefits to being a NCP?" Now you may say freedom but my EX also has freedom as my kids are old enough to be left alone so she is out quite often with her new bf. I certainly don't benefit financially as I pay full CS for three children and I'm living in a small apartment. Since they are teens, they are not jumping for joy when I propose taking them out for dinner or a movie...I guess I just miss having them around...so any benefits

[lumpy]

You can get in the bathroom without a 3 hour wait....

I hope that it works out for you very soon and you get to spend lots of time with them over the holidays.

Cheers

[SadDad2010]

Thanks Lumpy...I forgot about that!

[today]

just curious, why do you feel you have to accept being an ncp, simply because she says so...

[SadDad2010]

I'm not accepting being a NCP but in my present circumstances, have no other choice. My EX's argument is that once I get a house, the kids will 'need' time to adjust because it will be very stressful for them to go one week on one week off. This of course is laughable because (1) they are teenagers and (2) she was not concerned with them at all when she decided that our marriage was over...refused to go to counciling, refused to go to mediation, and then brought a new man into their lives 2 months after we separated....no adjustment needed there at all.
My lawyer has recommended I don't fight for shared custody, as it would cost a lot, and once it was resolved, the kids wouldn't be children anymore anyway
Now I have talked to the kids about it, and the boys said they would move in with me full time if I bought a house in the country with ATV's and snowmobiles ...so no serious discussion possible there.
My Ex has it all worked out...she proposes that i buy a house within walking distance of hers and the kids can decide later.
Win win for her because she gets full CS and gets to send the kids to my place whenever she wants her own time. I told her I would rather have shared custody first before I agreed to live so close.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place...do I buy a house close and hope my kids want to share residences or do I accept being a NCP and maybe buy a nicer more affordable house 5-10km away.

[dinkyface]

Since they are teens, I'd think it is likely that they would want to hang around more their established home, and their preferences WILL matter - you cannot force otherwise. So even when you get a house, you may have a hard time in getting anywhere near 50-50 time with them. Then again, I don't know your family dynamic, so my assumption could be completely off base. But if you do have < 40&#37; time, this will mean you pay fill CS (unless you can some to some other agreement with your ex).

A completely separate issue is whether you have joint custody i.e. you both have the same level of responsibility (read 'control') regarding decisions about their education/health/religion (big stuff). Is this something that is important to you? If you generally trust your ex's judgement, and you can communicate well, then perhaps it is not a big issue. But a warning, if she has sole custody, I'd recommend having a 'mobility' clause in your agreement indicating whether she may move to another city (or further).

<ah - I see more info has come while I was typing...>

[SadDad2010]

...that's it exactly, the kids have lived in the house their whole lives and I would never force them to share if they didn't want to.
We have agreed on joint custody so no problem there.
I guess I should accept being NCP and hope for the best.

[dinkyface]

If you have Joint Custody then you are both CP's.

I'm thinking even the country house might not be such a big draw - they will have friends they want to be around, so the country house becomes just a weekend thing at most - especially if it is a long way from school.

[SadDad2010]

I thought that joint vs sole custody only applied to who makes decisions regarding the children lives. ...and shared custody deals with splitting residences...unless you are right and I have joint custody with shared at 5-95
I know that by law I have joint custody as we have no separation agreement.

Oh yes...i made that exact argument with the boys regarding the country house...I told them the novelty would quickly die off for them and poor Dad would be stuck out in the middle of nowhere

[Rioe]

Rent a house close by.
Get the legal separation agreement to have the kids live with you half the time.
Buy a house wherever you really want to live and move there. Keep it in the same school zone though.

[microcrashboy]

I am puzzled! why do you think she should get custody? The courts prefer shared it is in the best interest of children for them (not parents - not about parents here!) to see both parents equally.
Also if they are old enough it is really up to the children what they want. They can even get a children's lawyer appointed by the court to fight for them.

You need to read more and DO NOT ACCEPT what your lawyer says make YOUR decision for you will have to live with it.

Remeber child support is not based on what you agree but a set calculated table amount. Google that using Canada and get the federal government website on topic.

Also use canlawii and read some cases simialr to yours.

I am not telling you to fight, but to educate yourself before you agree to anything! You are your best advocate!

[microcrashboy]

Also the courts would careless if you live in a basement apartment or a house. As long as you can provide for the children and if you pay support clearly you can.
She will likely fight for custody because of the support issue which see may see as her sole or part income. Be prepared for this.

[tugofwar]

To be honest, I think you are seeking shared custody to get out of the support. Why not propose joint custody,(already agreed upon I read that in one of the posts) and keep the money within the family and not courts and lawyers etc.
Then find a place close by, work on building the hours up. Your kids are teens, they may or may not want to spend 50&#37; of the time with you. I think you are just trying to brain wash them to stay with you by offering atv's etc and get out of paying support. Correct me if Im wrong

[SadDad2010]

No tugofwar...you misinterpreted what I said. My boys told ME that they would stay with me full time if I bought ATV's etc...they are teenage boys and I did not take them seriously. (I just laughed when they said it) I have never ever brainwashed them or offered them any incentives. As for child support, I wanted to share time with my kids from day one, long before I was even aware of how much CS I would pay. I looked up the table amounts and started paying my ex...she never even asked for it.
I won't lie, if we had shared custody, I would be more comfortable financially but that would allow me to do more for my children too. Both my wife and I have good salaries so our children have always been taken care of.
Like I said earlier, I would love for my children to stay with me but I would never force them and I would definitely not bribe them.

[NBDad]

Honestly from a purely financial standpoint it's cheaper to pay your table support and take EOW.

Figure how much food multiple teens would eat, then factor in the bigger housing costs, furniture for them, clothing, taking time off for their activities, etc.

If one is primarily focuses on the financial aspect, the EOW screwjob is cheaper.