Drugs

[sonsmom]

I am currently going through a separation and I have moved out of the house. I have a 9 year old son. We are currently doing the Sun-Sun alternating weeks. I just found out that my husband is doing cocaine. If I get him tested and he's positive would he lose parenting rights ? I'm afraid for my son !

[Mess]

How do you think you will get him tested?

How did you find out? Is there some other factual evidence you can produce? Witnesses?

Drug use alone wouldn't necessarily mean he loses custody. (It is really the child that has a primary right to have two parents. Neither you nor your ex have a right to parent.) If he was willing to enter a treatment program then he could very well retain custody.

Heresay is not admissible as evidence. You would have to witness it yourself or provide an affidavit from someone who did, or he would have to have been arrested on drug charges for you to even bring it up.

[dadtotheend]

Doing cocaine, as bad as that comes across, is not in itself a reason for him to lose custody. Yes, the optics of drug use are bad, but you need to understand that it's about whether his behaviour is affecting his ability to parent the child.

Is he an occasional casual user when the child is not with him? Or he is using every day even when caring the child? Or somewhere in between?

There are plenty of parents doing a good job raising their kids, who dabble in drug use (NOT endorsing this BTW). Keep it in perspective.

[dad962]

I am going thru the same situation. My EX is "apparently" using and the boyfriend/Fiance is HOOKED - well known in the community as a drug user. I don't know what to do. As a parent, I think this is absolutely rediculous for anyone to suggest that they are doing a good job at parenting my two kids. If they are high on whatever... how are they able to make educated decisions? If they are high and there is an emergency- could they react? NO! With drug use, what else accompanies - drinking, partying, etc.... They are all linked and none are good for our children to witness

I am all for getting the kids out of this situation. I just need a road map showing me how to do it. (Courts (the law) seem to allow certain use of drugs. I always thought it was illegal - sorry, totally against the use of them)

[Mess]

Is it better for a parent not to take drugs? I agree.

Are you the better parent? Probably.

Should the kids be removed from the worse parent and given to the better parent? No, it's not a competition.

You should see the threshold as, if the couple were still together, would the courts order the children removed from the home. If yes, then you have reason to require the children removed from their other parent's home. If not, then you are starting a major battle that may get you nowhere.

What else accompanies drug use? Partying, hookers, guns, arson, kidnapping, mafia and biker gang connections, smuggling, selling weapons of mass destruction, destroying the rainforests, human trafficing and killing the whales. And that is just for starters. Can you prove any of this in court?

Please, I am not saying don't be concerned, and I am not saying do nothing, but set about this logically with a plan. You might not be able to get anywhere, or at least not immediately. Concentrate on what you can do, which is provide a safe, secure and loving home for your kids when they are there.

[dad962]

I understand what you are saying, and I have a major concern for the safety of my kids. The big question is what can I do? I need suggestions, help me be logical and methodical.... PLEASE. If something happens to those kids (2,1/2 and 5yrs old), who do I blame? This isn't a show and shine or anything like that, it's simply providing the best- 24/7/365 days a year.

[standing on the sidelines]

your hands are tied unless you can prove that there is drug use on the part of the other parent.

[blinkandimgone]

Why is it always about having someone to blame after the fact? Does that somehow make everything better? I HATE that people think it'll all work out as long as there's someone to blame in the end. Gaaah!

[tugofwar]

Why is it always about having someone to blame after the fact? Does that somehow make everything better? I HATE that people think it'll all work out as long as there's someone to blame in the end. Gaaah!

I think you read into this too much. I think what dad is trying to say is if something was to happen, how could he live with the fact that he knew this was happening and did nothing about it. That's why he's showing his concern now to see what he can do to protect his children.
What if they got a hold of the drugs themselves, what if the other parenet was so high and something happened?
A friend of mine told me his ex was into prescription narcotics and while his older daughter was visiting with mom, there were a few on the floor and her half toddler sister was crawling around and the older daughter asked her father that she was scared that the toddler could have picked it up and put it in her mouth.....

[dadtotheend]

Most of the hyptotheticals made above presume that the use is out of control. Pills on the floor, so high during an emergency, hookers, guns, whales . Sounds like Tea Party rhetoric, using inflammatory and extreme statements to put forth a case.

Again, I ask. Do you have reason to believe that the use is happnening in the presence of the kids? No one wants their kids to be exposed to drug use, especially hard drugs like cocaine. But the damage that is done to a child by illegal drugs taken when the child is with the other parent isn't nearly as bad as that done by some legal (e.g. alcohol, pain killers) drugs taken in the presence of the kids.

It's about the effect on the children. Is their safety or well being put at risk more so by leaving kids with parents who use drugs than it is by yanking them out of the parents care? Maybe, maybe not.

I fear that some people (no one in this thread necessarily) just want to latch onto whatever they can to advance their own argument to take the kids from the other parent, and drugs are a really easy weapon that can be used to rile up sentiment, perhaps unjustly.

[tugofwar]

Do you have reason to believe that the use is happnening in the presence of the kids? No one wants their kids to be exposed to drug use, especially hard drugs like cocaine.
It's about the effect on the children. Is their safety or well being put at risk more so by leaving kids with parents who use drugs than it is by yanking them out of the parents care? Maybe, maybe not.

That's the problem right there is not knowing the unknown and how do you prove it especially when you are not there to witness it for yourself?
What is the concerned parent suppose to do in this case? Turn a blind eye and say it's ok? I would not be able to live with myself if something was to happen to them while in their care because I was not able to address a concern.

[dadtotheend]

It's a dilemma not unlike many other parental dilemmas:

-whether to interfere with a teenagers suspected drug use
-having your child associate with undesirable friends
-how far to push your teenager to get their homework done

Where it differs is is that it's too bad that separated/divorced parents abilities to make rational decisions are clouded by self interests in custody and related financial issues.

[dad962]

Tugofwar, you hit the nail on the head. I can only go by what the COMMUNITY at large is telling me, what my 5 yr old is telling me, and how I feel. I am scared for my kids. I need to act on the best interest of their safety. Truth be told, I want the kids to grow up with their mother and I sharring the parenting role. It's important for them! BUT, if this illegal activity is going to continue... I need to do something. Don't for a second compare drug use to doing 100km/h in a posted 80- save your breath please. Comparing this to other activities is not what I am looking for, I am looking for action... how do I handle this? Sitting back and doing nothing is NOT AN OPTION! Do I get a PI to nail the two SOBs doing it beside my kids?... I dont know.... There has to be someone out there that has been thru this exact situation. - what did you do? what were you advised to do? - did anything come of it?
Drug use is not acceptable to me, nor should it be to the courts or anyone else.

[standing on the sidelines]

well has there ever been any arrests for drugs?? If so how many and in what sort of time frame. That is where I would start

[dadtotheend]

Then make a referral to CAS.