My story

[Devoted1]

9-10 months ago my wife of 9 years left me out of the blue with no warning.Ran off with another man whom I knew and moved in with him overnight.Found out later that as she had told me she wasn't initially involved with him romanticly and was not lying about it but since has become.One month after her departure she returned to live in our home while I left to have a break(I was taking care of the animals we have and we live in the country so I didn't have much to get my mind off of things) After a month I returned home and she left again only to call 2 days later and say she loved me and wanted to work things out.(still nothing with him at this point)

She came home everynight for about 2 weeks but we avoided discussing because I wanted to give her a break from the us talk even if only for a few weeks and just spend time together.However before we even got to the discussing part she left again one morning with no warning when I thought all was going well saying this isn't working i'm leaving again.

So fine this happens I have no choice it's her decision and she moves out into her boss' place(a female) and before xmas she gets involved this time romanticaly with this same guy and moves in with him again without me knowing and leads me to believe she is still at her boss' and single right before xmas. Asks me for more time before I move on (she was with him at this point but I didn't know) I give her more time and don't hear from her at xmas.Needless to say xmas sucked

So anyways even till 3 days ago we have never not had contact with each other for more than maybe a week be it seing each other or talking.

I found out after xmas about their relatinship and accepted it and even though they were together we continued to talk and see each other regularly.

Just over a month ago she dumps him because realises it was more of a rebound thing and even stated many things she allready didn't like about him like him being very insecure,immature, dependant, clingy etc ......
So we start again "dating" so to speak we went out a few sundays and did things and talked almost daily and even seen each other a few times in the week once again avoiding the so difficult discussions for the initial period to try and just be comfortable again.I thought things were going well and even asked a few times if everything was ok and she was fine and received a reply of "yes"

Last saturday we go to dinner for her to announce to me again this isn't working i'm not feeling it and I still feel uncomfortable around you it's over!

We hadn't even got to the point of discussing anything yet which of course I thought would come. Once again i'm devastated all over again and this time she came 2 days ago to separate the remainder of our belongings and tell me she will probably be seing him again?Till 2-3 days ago she still had tons of stuff here contacted me regularly and even had a key to our home(actually still does)

She has signed the separation papers which I refused to and then tells me it's no big deal should things change between us we can rip them up????????

My wife has never shown signs of confusion or acted this way in 9 years. She has always been very level headed and mature and has never been a "game player"

Btw there has never been any issues between us such as financial, abuse of any kind, no children are involved and we never fought. Seems a real shame and I can't help but want to hang on because I truly believe she is going through something. I am one of the few people that is able to forgive and understand anothers point of view despite my pain.I truly believe that something is wrong like maybe a depression or something similar.

Due to our respect to each other in our marriage and through all this I can't help but want to stay by her side despite her words.I feel it is my duty as a husband because I truly believe she is going through something and may need me in the futur again.Also my vows and wife have always been the most important thing to me in my life.

The only thing we have never done is been completly out of contact since all of this started so now it is my only options and is what I will be doing.

My question to all of you is what should I do now?Toward her and for myself.Neither of us want lawyers involved or have had any arguements over who gets what etc......Everything has actually been very very smooth and respectfull which is probably why it's so hard.

SHould I giuve up on hope or stick by her anyways in case since I have no desire at the moment to be with anyone else anyways?

Sorry bout the long post just wanted to get a bit of info out before asking for advice.

[billm]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing. I feel many similarities between how your wife and mine has acted.

I will be straight forward, as I usually am, so I hope I do not offend.

I think that most people would not believe what you are saying about when she started a romantic relationship. She left you for the other guy. She was sleeping with him before or shortly after she first left. That is what most people would think and they would probably be right.

As for how to treat her. She has ended your marriage, she ended her obligation to you. So, I would ignore your feelings of loyalty (hello - she has or is living with another man!), but retain your feelings of honour while at the same time respecting yourself.

By this I mean to continue forward with separation and divorce. Do this in a way that equal and fair, do not give in to things that are not, such as financial dealings, just split it all evenly, and part ways.

If you can handle being friends great. But don't be her husband, she has gone too far and does not deserve that level of commitment. For me the friend concept does not work, but maybe it works for you, as long as that is what it is and not some sort of sacrifice on your part.

So treat her as an ex, don't initiate any contact with her, you need to move on (I used to hate it when people told me that). You can't respect yourself and still have this whole loyalty to your vows thing - she has come and gone many times, hurt you, and has lived with another man, without regard for you, she is definitly not your wife, not even close, so don't be her husband for your own self worth. This whole I didn't sleep with him, I want you, I don't want you crap is only to make herself feel better, it is not about you, she is treating you poorly but feeling sorry for herself. She is responsible for her actions and feelings so let her deal with them and be separate from her because no one deserves to be subjected to that.

Give yourself space and make the separation permanent - separate the animal care and all aspects of your lives.

Hey, people do get back together, but you will be in a better position for that the sooner you become truly independent of your previous relationship that she walked away from to be with someone else.

Tough road ahead and as much as I hate to say it (but glad that I am now one of those saying it and not one of those having to hear it!), IT DOES GET BETTER, oh yeah a lot better!!

[Devoted1]

Thanks billm for the honest reply.No offense taken.I have no problem with anyones opinion.Opinions are only that! Opinions.

So I hear you loud and clear.Everything has allready been separated to our satisfaction and without any issues whatsoever I might add.No financial issues are involved and no children either.(unfortunate but thank god for them also)

As for the sleeping with him at this point it doesn't matter when she really did the point is she did and I realize this.

My big problem once again is I honestly feel something is wrong and she needs help. It's beyond me simply feeling hurt.Even her own family has expressed concern and said to me she has always ran from her problems and pointed the finger, not to mention saying i'm the nicest guy she has ever had in her life.So once again at this point it's not simply me being sad and wanting her back it's almost more of a concern for someone you care about and that being her.She seems to be continuing her pattern of life long self destruction and blaming when things are tough instead of getting to the root of some of her own demons so to speak.

What I'm trying to say here is I do want her back but mainly I also want to help because I can accept at this point that she may never come back and believe it or not i'm almost 100% fine with that.I still care and don't want to see her continue this pattern with others her whole life and never be truly happy be it with me or another even.

This has by far been the hardest breakup for me simply because of the circumstances.If this helps any to clarify she was sexually abused as a child, her father was continually depressed and abusive verbally and physically in the home and later commited suicide.She spent alot of time in group homes, her mother is on tons of medication for depression and other mental illnesses as well as her sister has had symptoms of depression so a bit of her family history there might help understand my feelings on and about all this.

Putting the wishy washy stuff and sleeping with another aside as bad an unforgivable many would find it my main concern once again is her, not me being with her as much as I miss her.I am one that can forgive and turn the other cheek and many can't so might not understand.


As for moving on and respecting myself I had already started that process and was out and about dating and had a few fun times so to speak I only ended that when she showed interest of wanting to work it out again.I was faithfull in our marriage and never strayed and feel that what I was doing was fine as we weren't together and I did stay honourable and devoted to her in my mind and heart.Sex was just that.Sex. I know I did nothing wrong I was single and I waited 6 months before I did it.Maybe that can clarify my thoughts a bit about why I feel so strongly about staying by her side but at the same time I wanted to put it out there that I was taking care of myself and thinking of me at the same time.

Thanks for the input anymore opinions of any type would be gladly welcomed

[standing on the sidelines]

I hate to say this but I think she wants you as a safety net in case her relationship with the guy doesn't work. My ex played the same game with me. He did not want me but as soon as he found out I was seeing someone it was all "I want you back, we can work on this" etc etc. As soon as I dumped the guy things were okay for a week and then he was back to he did not want to try and work on it. As for you dating and having sex with the other woman and feeling you did nothing wrong, sorry to break your bubble but you did. You used someone for your own needs while not really interested in the person. Did this other woman think you were intested in her? Do all woman out there a favour and until you get your head straight, just use your hand (sorry to be so blunt). Hate to see an unwanted pregnancy pop up.

I know you want to be the one who saves your wife from herself but unless you are able to detach yourself emtionally you cannot help her. You have to be able to look at the situation for what it is. Maybe the kindest thing you can do for her is to suggest she get some professional help and tell her that until she does that then you do not want to see her anymore. I know that will be very hard for you becasue you really do seem to care about her, but it may be a wake up call she needs. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as her safety net and having her come back jsut becasue she needs a rest from the world for a few weeks?

[Devoted1]

Thank you again for another reply!

It's not difficult for me to stay by her side mentally and move on in my life in other ways .I do however find it painfull to think of her doing this again to another and herself over and over.

Any other women involved knew EXACTLY my situation and had been told I still loved her and was faithfull in my heart to her and nothing would come of what we were doing.The was no using or lying of any sorts to any of them i'm not only a faithfull person and was but i'm also not a player or liar and had no intention of hurting anyone else because of my dilemnas so evrything was out in the open before anything ever even happened.Protection was used also.I'm a very level headed and rational individual.Maybe my problem is I think and care to much for others?You can blame my parents for that one but it's the way I am and something I don't want to change because of something hurtfull that happened in my life.

Thanks again for the reply but i'm starting to thin I might go back to coucelling for this and yes I have been many times since this started and much to my dismay without her as she refused to ever go even though it was thrown in my face that we never went!

Another day without solutions but i'm sure they will come!

[standing on the sidelines]

Thank you again for another reply!

It's not difficult for me to stay by her side mentally and move on in my life in other ways .I do however find it painfull to think of her doing this again to another and herself over and over.

Any other women involved knew EXACTLY my situation and had been told I still loved her and was faithfull in my heart to her and nothing would come of what we were doing.The was no using or lying of any sorts to any of them i'm not only a faithfull person and was but i'm also not a player or liar and had no intention of hurting anyone else because of my dilemnas so evrything was out in the open before anything ever even happened.Protection was used also.I'm a very level headed and rational individual.Maybe my problem is I think and care to much for others?You can blame my parents for that one but it's the way I am and something I don't want to change because of something hurtfull that happened in my life.

Thanks again for the reply but i'm starting to thin I might go back to coucelling for this and yes I have been many times since this started and much to my dismay without her as she refused to ever go even though it was thrown in my face that we never went!

Another day without solutions but i'm sure they will come!

very good of you to be upfront and using protection. You do seem to have a head on your shoulders. It is never a bad thing to be concerned and think of others. It is so sad that she will not go for counselling with you for this becasue she really needs it herself. Until she is willing to admit she has issues she will repeat the same stuff over and over again. I guess the only advice I can give you is go to your counselling and try to live life for yourself.

[sufferer]

Hi Devoted1

Once a cheater always a cheater.Being faithful ,soft hearted is good but not when it hurts your self respect.
She just wants to keep you on side and I am sure you don't want to be AN EXTRA ONSIDE.So just accept the reality that she is nobody to you now.
My husband cheated on me and without any questions asked/answered I knew i can't put up with it.You are lucky as there are no children involved in my case i had a 8month old and 2 year old .

So just be strong,stay positive and start a new life

[Devoted1]

Once a cheater always a cheater.Being faithful ,soft hearted is good but not when it hurts your self respect.
She just wants to keep you on side and I am sure you don't want to be AN EXTRA ONSIDE.So just accept the reality that she is nobody to you now.

Once a cheater always a cheater is not true to me since in my younger days I cheated before and realized it brought nothing good and never did it again so once again I value the opinion but mine is different on the subject since I myself know in my own head and heart I would never cheat again even though I had done it to someone in the past.I do have faith in people and humanity and this isn't an ongoing thng for the last 9 years , only since she has left.

I do also have a great sense of self respect but also of honor.I read a passage in a book today that expressed my feeling almost exactly."Suffering is only a bad thing if there is no reason or meaning for it".In my case I don't feel like i'm suffering immensly or for no reason. I hurt about it sure but I am going out and doing things etc........ and my meaning is to help her primarily with no expectations of getting her back and if I could help her and get her back that would only be a bonus.

My suffering is not intolerable even though I miss her deeply because I have a purpose.I have no problems being alone or I would and could replace her allready,I have no issues with finding a new person or dating or even just staying single.I'm glad i'm getting replies since it gives me the chance to elaborate more and show that I am lvery rational and this is a problem unlike many other break ups.There is no abuse once again and very few "normal issues" that seem to arrise in many breakups.It all seems so unnecessary.I almost feel like she needs an intervention to finally deal with certain things in her life.Why many might say
?Because I love her and that's what people do for others they care about.

She has never once tried to ruin me, take more than she deserved, been vindictive or mean, yelled or screamed, or even hurt me intentionally she has however done alot of finger pointing for her pain and shown very little if almost no humility or acceptance of any wrong doing for her part.

[singledad99]

Dude, it almost seems like she knows your weakness and is taking full advantage of it. If you think your kindness can change her, you are dreaming. It will only get worse. You know your story reminds me of the movie "Forest Gump". Have you seen it?

My ex did not cheat on me, thank God for that, but she left me several times. Each time after living in some rat hole she would feel sorry and come back. And I felt just like you that it was my duty to take care of her. It didn't work and each time she made it more difficult for me to forgive her. The final time when she ran away with our son(after one year of signing the custody off to me), I decided "no more" even if it meant not seeing him ever again. She then gave him back to me in order to soften me or maybe because she had no chance of winning custody through court. However, to her surprise I didn't soften this time. I let her go and I felt a lot better. My focus is now my son and myself!

The point is people don't change. It is not your fault that she was abused as a child and it is not your duty to cure her. I am thinking she is not leaving the new guys. They are dumping her because she is too messed up for them.

You need to let her go!

[Devoted1]

Dude, it almost seems like she knows your weakness and is taking full advantage of it. If you think your kindness can change her, you are dreaming. It will only get worse.

Why would you see kindness, being able to forgive, caring and wanting to help as a weakness?I understand what you are saying and 100% but once again this theory would not apply if I don't see it as suffering but rather pain with a purposes or meaning so to speak.Also I see what I am doing more as inner strength she and many don't have and feel good and proud about myself for having that.

Should I really let go of the fact that I care, want to help and see purpose in what i'm doing? I can actually handle what i'm going through and I know my life is and will go on.Seems many give up to easily these days.Maybe i'm too old fashioned for our time?

The point is people don't change. It is not your fault that she was abused as a child and it is not your duty to cure her. I am thinking she is not leaving the new guys. They are dumping her because she is too messed up for them.

You need to let her go!

I don't feel anything that happened to her is my fault and people do change!Will it be me that will help/change her? I don't know. I myself did not have the easiest times in my life.I cheated and would never do it again.I was a drug addict in my younger days who quit one day cold turkey on his own with no help and never went back.My own father is an alcolholic/drug addict that has been clean for almost 20 years.I used to be jealous and posessive and now i'm the farthest thing from that etc etc........To me that is taking the easy way out like she is doing.

The old saying what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger comes to mind for me alot.Once again positive for me.

One thing I have to agree with is I may NOT be able to help her but to think I can't or couldn't is giving up before trying to the fullest of what I am capable of.I am very carefull about things and my approach and don't pester. I don't call her everyday like some lovesick puppy or show up at her work or home all the time or things of the sort warranting a restraining order or anything.I simply live my life and when opportunities come along I try to help and voice my thoughts.When I should pack it in or say I tried or can't anymore is different for every individual and can not be pinpointed because every mans story and strengths are different and I have not hit that point yet.When I will or if I will even I do not know.

Many of my friends went from giving me similar advice (which I believe is human nature and instinct for many)which I totally understand to now commending me and giving me great respect for my strengths,honor,devotion and convictions and telling me how they don't know many who can or could do what i'm doing.I have received many benefits from this from others and myself and try to see the positive in light of the negative.Maybe my purpose was only to show myself and others around me what i'm capable of?Maybe even I am missing the greater reason behind all this at the moment?It may even simply be for her to at least realize things now and change them for herself later when she finds the courage to do so.Life is a strange thing at times and without meaning anything can be sad or painfull and seems pointless.With meaning what could be one man's downfall could be another's journey towards greater inner strength.

[standing on the sidelines]

yes it is nice that you are so devoted etc. All good qualities. You write that people can change and mention the battles that you went through. Remeber one thing, she is not you. Maybe you had more inner strength then she has. She has to want help herself and until she acknowledges that she needs help and her actions need to change she is condemned to repeat the same mistakes.

I think what others are trying to point out is the cycle that you are in with her will continue until you take some drastic steps. She needs professional help to deal with her past and until she does, the cycle will never end and you will always never really have a healthy relationship with her.

[Devoted1]

yes it is nice that you are so devoted etc. All good qualities. You write that people can change and mention the battles that you went through. Remeber one thing, she is not you. Maybe you had more inner strength then she has. She has to want help herself and until she acknowledges that she needs help and her actions need to change she is condemned to repeat the same mistakes.

I think what others are trying to point out is the cycle that you are in with her will continue until you take some drastic steps. She needs professional help to deal with her past and until she does, the cycle will never end and you will always never really have a healthy relationship with her.

Absolutely and I agree 100% so maybe I should rephrase now and say how or what should I do about getting her help or to realize it and seek help herself instead of what should I do in general.