Ugh

[rockscan]

I dont think this is divorce support so I put it here instead.

Im at a loss today and because I beat myself up Im feeling like this is all my fault.

You guys recall last Christmas with my partners ex pulling the crap she did over his access. It was ugly and totally unnecessary.

I put my foot down for this year--we're going away. He doesn't have them over Christmas (not that he "has" them--they're old enough to say no and they have REPEATEDLY) and his oldest has barely spoken to him the last few weeks with exams and his youngest told him off in September. (All unprovoked I might add--youngest reasons are all influenced by mom).

We leave Monday. He hasn't told them yet because he doesn't want their vitriol to colour his mood. Last week he and his ex got into it over her providing info for insurance forms. He told her (in so many words) to stop being so bloody difficult and behave the way she keeps demanding he do. I have a feeling she showed the email to the kids, played her woe is me card and thats why we're at radio silence. He's also feeling guilty about spending money on himself. He got a new job, we've saved for this trip and he deserves to spend money on himself.

Last night I told him this is my life too and I refused to be held hostage by a bunch of people who keep finding new ways to punish him for things he didn't do. Everything he does they find wrong--even when its things they told him to do!! We're supposed to spend the week miserable and possibly get a 15 min call on Christmas day to make him MORE miserable?

Now we're not speaking, are supposed to get on a plane in 72 hours and spend a romantic week of bliss in the tropics. I don't know how many more times I can say "they don't deserve your concern when they treat you like shit" before it sinks in! I got ugly and said some hurtful (if not true) things and that just made him angrier. Someone please tell me these things get easier? Because Im at the point where I don't think I can take another 30 years of this bs!!! Even if I ignore it he still doesn't let up. He's pissed at his kids but because he cant admit he's pissed at them, he's getting pissed at everyone else ME INCLUDED!

Ugh!!! :'(

[rockscan]

No shes 15

[PeacefulMoments]

Rockscan

I truly feel for you. It's so very difficult to have your happiness and wellbeing so tied up in his ex and kids shenanigans. I also find I have a hard time being happy myself when those around me are unhappy.

If he has some way to communicate with the kids privately, perhaps he can just send them a heartfelt message that reminds them he loves them no matter what, and wants them in his life.

Unfortunately if they are that heavily influenced by their mom, they may not see past it right now. All he can do is put it out there that he is still dad and will always be here for them. I know he has done this probably many times, the secret is for him to somehow find peace knowing that he did the best he could.

If you said anything to him that deserves an apology, then just apologize, remind him you love and support him but cannot give him peace, only he can do that for himself. You both deserve this trip and have the right to enjoy it.

I sincerely hope things smooth over and you both have a relaxing trip and recharge emotionally and physically.

[nfc4ever]

Rockscan - I hope that things get better.

From his perspective, they're his kids and since its the holidays he's likely wishing that he could see them. Obviously the rejection from his own children isn't helping the situation with him.

You've done a great job in supporting him with these challenges. For a lot of us, its the letting go of those stressors that's the hard thing to do.

[arabian]

Wait till the brats find out you're going away. Hope the two of you can keep your cell phones turned off. Leave the hotel phone number with a relative.

[rockscan]

Wait till the brats find out you're going away. Hope the two of you can keep your cell phones turned off. Leave the hotel phone number with a relative.

Lol arabian. It kills me that they feel he should sit at home miserable while theyre living it up on their holiday. The moment he says "ok enjoy Im going to do my thing" its like "excuse me, did we give you permission to come out of the corner?".

Im taking my phone but it will be off. Its just for emergency for us if we need it. We've left other details with people who wont share it.

I get that its hard because they are his kids but after four years of this "we don't want to spend the holidays with you" you would think he would say "ok I'm a gonna do my thing and you do yours". They're so super disrespectful to him and they learned it from their mother.

[Links17]

I would never marry a woman with kids because most people like your SO can't take of their own business financial, logistically or emotionally and just sap your energy.

Better be alone than in bad company.

[Berner_Faith]

I would never marry a woman with kids because most people like your SO can't take of their own business financial, logistically or emotionally and just sap your energy.

Better be alone than in bad company.

So by your logic, I assume you plan to be signle the rest of your life because someone would be stupid to marry a guy with children?

Rock... it's never easy being the one on the outside. While my step kids and I have a great relationship, it tires me at times watching my husband give into many demands of his ex. Although it doesn't surprise me because he hates confrontation so he just gives in.

You are right though. He has reasons to be sad yes, but those feelings should not dictate your life together. If he is feeling all those emotions maybe he needs to speak with a counselor?

[Links17]

So by your logic, I assume you plan to be signle the rest of your life because someone would be stupid to marry a guy with children?

No, I plan to find somebody stupid

[ele110]

Ugh indeed.
I would start planning my own vacation and leave him behind to watch the house and be miserable if that is what he wants.

[Rioe]

Ugh indeed.
I would start planning my own vacation and leave him behind to watch the house and be miserable if that is what he wants.

Obviously it's not what he wants. What he wants is to be able to have holidays WITH his children instead of feeling they've been made to hate him. Feeling guilty about taking a holiday because you think your own children prefer you to be miserable is a terrible thing.

The sad thing is that for Rockscan to finally break up with him because she can't stand his ex means the terrorists win.

[arabian]

I think Rockscan is up to the challenge. Cudos for her. The guy she is with is likely the type who doesn't appreciate someone until they are gone (thus his guilt and angst about his children and ex perhaps?).

I lived with a "coulda, shoulda, woulda" individual for 30 years. Horrible.

He moves on with her or hope she leaves him in the dust.

[standing on the sidelines]

is it really worth all the stress? If its upsetting the OP that much then its time to move on. Those are his kids for better or for worse and up to him to decide how the handle the relationship with them.

[rockscan]

We talked last night. I told him I dont like saying mean things any more than having mean things said to me. He agreed he hates fighting. He got upset later on when I was telling him about an aspect of our trip that made him anxious. Kudos to Arabian for calling it--hes 90% anxious about our trip and 10% worried about the kids.

He has a feeling his ex showed the email exchange last week with the oldest and even though it was benign, she will see it as "dad not cooperating". Hes agreed to stop playing the games. She doesnt want to share info, her problem. Hes sad about the kids but he agreed fighting them is making it worse. Hes going to try letting it go.

I love this man and if we break up we all lose (and the terrorists win). Everyone comes with a level of baggage. I have mine and he has his. There are days that are easier than others and the holidays are horrible. Im sad his ex feels she needs to battle like this. Shes hurting the kids by denying them a healthy relationship with their father.

[arabian]

Often people who haven't travel much are super anxious prior to the trip. I have a friend who won't travel with her SO. Fear of the unknown and the thought of not having a timetable is heaven for some and hell for others. People who don't travel regularly only have visual memories of HUGE line-ups at airports, body searches they have seen on TV. Thought of going to another country can be stressful for some - they have heard about tourists being murdered in hotels....

Once you are checked in at your resort go for a swim in the ocean or book a massage. aaaaaahhhhhhh that sounds splendid!