Originally posted by rockscan
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Originally posted by Straittohell View PostAll of that is true, but... my entire point is that I can't control how my ex behaves, but I can certainly control how I respond. In turn, it has the potential to gradually move things toward a better place. That doesn't work for every one, but I can say with absolute certainty that my own situation would have degraded a lot if I hadn't moved on focused on making her 'pay' for her mistakes. (I'm referring to the infidelity in this case)
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I dont want his ex to pay for what happened. He has moved past his desire to make her pay. They both are suffering the consequences of their decisions. I just wish she would keep her feelings to herself and let his kids make their own decisions about things. It would be helpful if she encouraged and supported the relationship but we both know that will never happen. The interference is my issue. He's never going to have a healthy relationship with them as long as she continues that. He controls how he responds to them in the instance its happening. For the several hours, days, weeks, months etc after is a different story. Watching him beat himself up over a situation the ex created is whats painful for me. It doesnt have to be this way but it is. Learning to accept and ignore it is my challenge.
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Originally posted by rockscan View PostI dont want his ex to pay for what happened. He has moved past his desire to make her pay. They both are suffering the consequences of their decisions. I just wish she would keep her feelings to herself and let his kids make their own decisions about things. It would be helpful if she encouraged and supported the relationship but we both know that will never happen. The interference is my issue. He's never going to have a healthy relationship with them as long as she continues that. He controls how he responds to them in the instance its happening. For the several hours, days, weeks, months etc after is a different story. Watching him beat himself up over a situation the ex created is whats painful for me. It doesnt have to be this way but it is. Learning to accept and ignore it is my challenge.
I didn't quite get why people like my partner and my mother were so quick to harbour such anger toward my ex, since, after all, it was ME who had to feel the pain of it all, not them. I at first was irritated about how they seemed to co-opt my trauma as their own, and then I realized how difficult it was for my mother to see me go through the trauma of the affair and separation. I took a step back and see my girlfriend watching me struggle to keep my cool and stay positive about my ex in front of the kids. (her affair split our marriage when I was working in one city and the kids were living in another, so the physical and mental toll that situation took on me was sizeable, so it was tough for my partner to watch the fallout unfold for years after)
It's okay to feel anger and pain on his behalf. I totally think you have the right idea of trying to ignore it, because you're right, it isn't your thing to fix. But giving him an extra hug at the end of a tough day and telling him that you're proud of him for how he is managing it... you can do that, and I'm sure you do.
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Originally posted by Straittohell View PostIt's okay to feel anger and pain on his behalf. I totally think you have the right idea of trying to ignore it, because you're right, it isn't your thing to fix. But giving him an extra hug at the end of a tough day and telling him that you're proud of him for how he is managing it... you can do that, and I'm sure you do.
A friend of mine is a counselor and she gave me some really good advice and insight this morning. That I need to realize how difficult it is for my partner to put on a brave face and "pretend" during these conversations. That we need to table discussing anything in the conversations until hes had time to process his feelings. And that I need to respect that he will take a certain level of BS because of the relationship. Its when our relationship gets questioned or comments are made about me that I have serious issues. Which is pretty much what 80% of my rage was about. The other 20% was more the eyeroll over not getting over it and dragging the kids into the pity party.
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LF32: Hallelujah!
Wow! I was blown away yet again while listening to kd lang's version of Hallelujah. I'm playing it for the fourth time and hearing the lyrics like never before. It's such an emotionally charged song that lends itself to this thread.
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The last verse is especially meaningful to all of us who have been going through the perils of divorce.
LEONARD COHEN LYRICS
"Hallelujah"
("Various Positions" Version)
Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
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Originally posted by serendipitous View PostWasn't Leonard that ran off with a younger woman towards the end of last year, or was it Gordon Lightfoot?
LMAO, at his age I doubt that he is able to RUN in any situation ... and even if he did what does this have to do with his writing skills?
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