Post Divorce changes

[Janibel]

Hi all,

Recently got my divorce with all matters finally settled. Only thing left to do is sell the mat. home and get on with life.

So far so good, but here's the weird part: Ex who has been utterly obnoxious throughout the entire 3 year process has now done a 360" on me.

Unbelievable but true ... since the divorce settlement, he has gone out of his way to be helpful and is actually behaving like a "normal" considerate human being. Could be he's feeling relieved that it's over or is something sinister going on?

I'm not complaining about the change in attitude, just wondering if this is normal?

[Headwaters1]

Maybe just the pressure off...you're not "at war" anymore? Remorse for so,e overzealous behaviour on his part?

If you have kids (I know from my first relatively amicable first divorce) you generally move from parties fighting for their rightful share to...wow I guess we have the rest of our lives sharing this "thing" we both love. dental, doctors, school events, first loves, driving tests, graduations, first homes, grandkids...

It kind of makes me grin thinking how angry and spiteful my 2nd wife is and think...oh boy you have no idea how much longer we're stuck together. Good luck with that metamorphosis...

And if you have any ability to move pass it like me and my 1st wife you kind of always have a special bond that isn't quite love but a "I care about you because someone I care so much for cares about you" and we're into this together.

[Janibel]

^^^ True enough about the pressure being off - it would be senseless to keep feuding when there's nothing more to argue about and haggle over.

We have zero reason for maintaining any contact in the future as our son is all grown up and wants nothing to do with his Dad - hopefully that relationship will improve with time.

I doubt that we could ever be friends after all that's happened ... 27 year marriage with a lot of ups and downs.

Having said that, I have no enemies and would like to keep it that way. He is after all my son's father and I wish him well ... as long as he minds his own business lol!

[rockscan]

My partners ex was very remorseful the day they signed the papers, sad, contemplative, reasonable etc for about eight to ten months after all was said and done. Then when it came to actually having the agreement adhered to she went back to super bitch (I've read the emails) and hasnt stopped since. Could just be the break in between. Enjoy it for what it is but keep your guard up and dont fall for any sympathy seeking or anything like that.

My parents did that too after they ended everything (after six years of court battles). That lasted all of two years which was only because dad lived 12 hours away and there was no internet/email as prevalent as now. The two of them still take swipes at each other and behave like idiot children to us and its been 25 years.

People dont change, they just wear a good mask. From what youve said about your ex, Im thinking he has an ulterior motive and just trying to put the pieces in place.

[arabian]

Hope for your sake it is a sign of a peaceful future.


Be mindful that once you sell the home you will have a bit o'cash and If you're ex is an opportunist with a huge ego he may think he can swindle you.

[Janibel]

Hope for your sake it is a sign of a peaceful future.


Be mindful that once you sell the home you will have a bit o'cash and If you're ex is an opportunist with a huge ego he may think he can swindle you.

Quite a bit o'cash and no debts thanks to my frugal behavior - Ex on the other hand has always spent cash like it grows on trees, not to mention he is up to is wazoo in post separation money problems. His credit is caca.

Luckily his issue not mine, I've made sure of protecting my a$$ets.

He's burned so many bridges these last couple of years that he hardly has a friend in the world, his last g/f ripped him off bad and family have shunned him ... maybe he's starting to get it?

Whatever the case, the 'swindling' is over

[stripes]

Once a nutbar, always a (potential) nutbar. My experience, now going on 5 years post-separation, is that the ex vacillates between behaving like a reasonable, cordial and businesslike person (arranging to drop off Kid's winter stuff at school, planning birthday parties, etc) and going on long, hostile and often incoherent rants about my awfulness. I am slowly learning that the calm periods are not indicative of the long term prognosis.

When he switches from being Mr Reasonable Co-Parent to Mr Complete Jerk, it always disappoints and disturbs me - because on some level I don't want to think badly of him, I don't really want to hate him, and I would like us to get along. As you say, after 25 years, there's a lot of history not all of which is bad. But unfortunately the person I married is not the same one I divorced.

So if your ex is behaving reasonably now - enjoy the respite from the crazy, but don't expect it to be permanent. He might continue to be okay, or he might switch course again. Unfortunately, the only certainty is uncertainty.

[Janibel]

Yes, I know all to well what it's like to deal with Dr Jekkyll and Mr. Hyde - walking on eggshells in between episodes .... that's what caused our break-up.

As Rockscan stated above:''People dont change, they just wear a good mask. From what youve said about your ex, Im thinking he has an ulterior motive and just trying to put the pieces in place.''

The best thing I can do is ignore him and let my lawyer handle whatever comes up. After what's happened, no amount of nice-nice could make me trust this person ever again. I still get nightmares even though we have been separated for three years ....

[BitHunter]

Trying to figure out why the other person does something will just induce anxiety, and you will never figure out the real motives anyways, so pointless to waste time with it. I don't care if my ex has some kind of agenda or just afraid of losing the custody when she behaves reasonable (recently), I just evaluate the act itself, if it is good for me and our daughter, it's OK, if not, then I'll screw her again. So just evaluate the act itself in the light of your best interest, and ignore why the other does that.

[serendipitous]

So that means I should avoid anyone who has their kids all the time i.e. sole custody, as that could be a sign of them being vindictive????

Note to self

Yes, I know all to well what it's like to deal with Dr Jekkyll and Mr. Hyde - walking on eggshells in between episodes .... that's what caused our break-up.

As Rockscan stated above:''People dont change, they just wear a good mask. From what youve said about your ex, Im thinking he has an ulterior motive and just trying to put the pieces in place.''

The best thing I can do is ignore him and let my lawyer handle whatever comes up. After what's happened, no amount of nice-nice could make me trust this person ever again. I still get nightmares even though we have been separated for three years ....

[rockscan]

Thats not at all what I meant but if thats how you want to take it, knock yourself out.

[Janibel]

Rockscan, most of us understood your opinion quite clearly ... Serendipidous seems to enjoy the ''shock factor'' judging from some of his/her/its few postings on ODF. (scraping the bottom of the media garbage can to see what gunk can be found) .....

[serendipitous]

Do vindictive people change then i.e. do they all of a sudden become a nice person???? All I am saying is that it helps to have one's wit about them if you are going to get involved with someone based on your own experience.

I mean is a spousal support claimant all of a sudden make an exception of me if things go South? I doubt it

Thats not at all what I meant but if thats how you want to take it, knock yourself out.

[stripes]

So that means I should avoid anyone who has their kids all the time i.e. sole custody, as that could be a sign of them being vindictive????

Note to self

Yes, that is exactly what rockscan meant. I find this very good advice. I avoid people with sole custody like the plague. I won't sit next to them on the bus. If I discovered one of my friends had sole custody of his kids, that friend would be dead to me forever. They are all very bad people and ought to be outlawed.

No, of course not. Only in the minds of trolls ...

[BitHunter]

Actually yes, sole custody is a big warning sign. Of course one can end up with sole custody for different reasons, but usually it is a strong sign of a sh*t person. I ended up dating only with women without kids in the last year or so.