New Marriages

[Pursuinghappiness]

Just a question to the non-troll posters.

Have any of you noticed a 6th sense when presented with soon-to-be-married people that you can actually sense that they're headed for a future divorce? I've had this happen a couple of times.

In this instance...assuming that you are on close terms with one of the marrying parties...do you say anything?

For instance, recently I considered telling a female fiance that I know to read some case law prior to marrying or having children with the total idiot she was about to marry. I didn't do it ultimately because I figured that it would simply come off as me being cynical due to my circumstances.

Its always amazing to me how many soon-to-be-married people complain about very serious issues with their partner yet decide to go through with it anyway. There was a guy at work complaining about major debt/spending issues with his fiance and ended up shrugging his shoulders and saying he hoped she learned how to deal with money after they married because he wasn't rich. lol...

Just wondering how other sage posters manage this...

[Berner_Faith]

I think this is the main reason that I am in no hurry to marry my current partner. I certainly hope to be married one day, despite watching what he has had to go through and hearing others stories.

I know at this point in time, if we were to marry it would certainly end in disaster. He is horrible with money and after three years still has not figured it out, which is why we have separate bank accounts and one joint account for joint bills. I don't have many complaints about him, other than his financial situation, he is a good Dad (could be more involved in certain areas) and he does work hard, but financial difficulties is not something I am willing to compromise on.

I think marriage is a beautiful thing and I understand I may be young and naive, but I do know that if a couple cannot communicate, do not have their financial situation in order and have many other complaints about their other half, the marriage may be doomed from the get go.

To be truthful, I am grateful that I have had my eyes open to what marriage can really lead to at such a young age. I truly think this should be a course taught in High School or some sort of mandatory information session before a marriage happens...

[Pursuinghappiness]

...but I do know that if a couple cannot communicate, do not have their financial situation in order and have many other complaints about their other half, the marriage may be doomed from the get go.

Totally agree. Add in other things like horrible in-laws that either party can't manage...difficult step-children relationships...etc, etc. I've just met a lot of people that should either not get married or spend more time working out the bugs before they do.

My partner and I have discussed getting married and truthfully it doesn't make much difference to me. The reason I'd do it is for Will/Estate/Medical reasons. Also, I know its superficial but I also hate using the term "boyfriend" since I'm in my early 40s and it doesn't define our relationship well. Otherwise, I know that this relationship will last until my life is done married or not....we just have all the right compatibilities that successful relationships need and we've been tested through 2 divorces and lots of geographical distance.

I just struggle over whether or not a person who's been through the ringer of a bad marriage and divorce should pass any wisdom along when they notice the impending doom or keep it to themselves. I'm not sure its even my place to mention negativities to some blissful person on the verge of marriage.

[shellshocked22]

Pretty tough to "warn" people about the very real perils of getting married. All you can do in my opinion is suggest that they try to educate themselves on what Family Law has in store for them. Mind you, it depends on the person - some may be genuinely interested in a worse case scenario if things go bad.

Sadly, I wish someone had warned me better about Family Law. Honestly, even if I didn't know the stunts my ex would pull in the future, if I had even been aware of the horrific unfair and financial danger I was exposing myself to - I would NEVER had proceeded with getting married or having children. Given its a 50% likelihood of things going south, it simply isn't worth it in my opinion. Of course, that's assuming you have something to lose - if you really don't generate much income then marriage (and the future divorce) is fantastic lol !!!!

Really is sad the government interferes in our lives to the extent it does....

[Pursuinghappiness]

I truly think this should be a course taught in High School or some sort of mandatory information session before a marriage happens...

This has been discussed on the forum many times.

There's no doubt that now that the government has come up with the M.I.P. sessions for divorcing couples that its perfectly feasible that some educational certificate program could be created for soon-to-be-marrieds and become mandatory before a marriage license would be granted.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Really is sad the government interferes in our lives to the extent it does....

They should actually make marriage licenses renewable like driver's licenses.

You'd still have custody/access and equalization issues but it would help some of the divorce quagmire.

[me_vs_HCF]

There was a guy at work complaining about major debt/spending issues with his fiance and ended up shrugging his shoulders and saying he hoped she learned how to deal with money after they married because he wasn't rich. lol...

Just wondering how other sage posters manage this...

My ex was horrible, and still is horrible with money. Her spending, and me not wanting to "cause problems" by telling her to stop spending took us to a consumer proposal.

When people complain about their long term boyfriends/ girlfriends/ fiancées spending habits, I tell them, marriage isn't going to make it better, its going to make it worse.

Then I share my story of how being married to someone who didn't want to work, but spent like a mad woman left both of us broke. Oh and I also tell them how important it is to have free and open communication with their partner, and if they dont, get out now.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Then I share my story of how being married to someone who didn't want to work, but spent like a mad woman left both of us broke. Oh and I also tell them how important it is to have free and open communication with their partner, and if they dont, get out now.

They appreciate the advice and don't get offended or think you're just bitter?

[dinkyface]

You could avoid the negatives by strongly suggesting (once) prior discussions on money, kids, expected parenting roles, work, financial balancing, location etc. Even better - hand them some pamphlet (or email them a link) that they can refer to after. There are lots of sites with this type of advice - Gail Vaz-Oxlade (already mentioned by Oink) is one who does this sort of thing. See http://www.gailvazoxlade.com/

For older couples with assets/property who might not be aware of the financial implications of marrying, again, I wouldn't hesitate to raise the topic.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Good advice Dinky.

A while back a friend and I went to lunch and she brought along a friend of hers who was engaged...getting married in a few months. They had what she described during lunch as "sexual issues."

The issue being that he wasn't just having sex with her.

Her rationale for staying with him was that he was telling her that the relationship didn't feel "real" but would after they were married.

I said nothing...I hadn't met her before that day...but I will admit I wanted to scream WTF a couple times during the conversation.

[me_vs_HCF]

They appreciate the advice and don't get offended or think you're just bitter?

Its usually taken with a grain of salt, as all advice is.

I make sure to keep it positive, as not to make myself seem bitter.

Usually the advice is being given to "blue collar" guys in their early 20s who work for me. I'm a late 30s manager.

[me_vs_HCF]

Two shows on TV to watch that deals with this....As a guy in his early 40s, I watch this religiously

1. Money Moron

2. Till debt do us part

Both on SLICE TV, hosted by Gail

Yup, watch them both!

I'll only date women who are financially independent/ responsible now. ie the material possessions roughly match the income level

[fireweb13]

They should actually make marriage licenses renewable like driver's licenses.

.

Does anyone remember the Dinosaurs tv show from the 90's http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dinosaurs_(TV_series)

They had an episode with this premise. A good friend bought me the first 2 series and there was one where it was like the MTO drivetest center, but it turned into a gameshow.
Just thought I would share

[DowntroddenDad]

Good advice Dinky.

A while back a friend and I went to lunch and she brought along a friend of hers who was engaged...getting married in a few months. They had what she described during lunch as "sexual issues."

The issue being that he wasn't just having sex with her.

Her rationale for staying with him was that he was telling her that the relationship didn't feel "real" but would after they were married.

I said nothing...I hadn't met her before that day...but I will admit I wanted to scream WTF a couple times during the conversation.

I hear you there. If it isn't working before marriage, there is little chance for improvement.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I'll only date women who are financially independent/ responsible now. ie the material possessions roughly match the income level

One piece of advice I always give my newly divorce dating friends is never to date a guy that constantly bashes their ex's. Its a clear sign of a guy who hates women.