Summer Holidays_Just Venting

[frustratedwithex]

Soooo, ex wanted to keep the trailer so he could continue to go camping with the kids. I thought it was an unusual request at the time because the year before we separated he told me and everyone we camped with that he wanted to sell the trailer and stop camping, do more golfing.

Anyways, he kept the trailer.

Every year since separation he books camping in the summer and it almost always falls on my time. His excuse is he can't control when a site opens up. Which is not true. He phones in April to reserve a spot, he can chose any time he wants. Then he says the kids are all young adults and they can chose to come or not. Nothing I can do about it.

So today one of the kids phones me and says look we go camping next week, I am all ready at dad's, I don't want to come to your house for 5 days and then leave again, so I will just stay at dad's and I will see you in August.

I'm pissed and I want to vent.

Because he books camping every year, the young adult children have no time to vacation with me. They all work full time in the summer, go to school in the fall and the one week in the summer that they go camping is all the time they have.

Everytime I bring up the subject of not camping and going somewhere with me it is met with resistance. Last summer they went camping with him and went to Florida with him. Both last year and this year they came with me for 1 overnight stay in a nearby town.

[BitHunter]

It seems your kids are the winners of the "who makes more interesting programs for the kids" competition between the parents. Yeah, your ex uses a little bit dirty tactics with the scheduling, and you are great enough not to deny his access to the kids.
Can you discuss with your ex that next year the summer vacation is yours and take the kids to Cuba? (it is almost cheaper than staying home)

[DowntroddenDad]

As someone with experience with the Ontario Parks reservation system, it can be challenging to reserve what you want when you want it, even in April. If you/he is less picky about where you camp or are willing to travel out of your way, it is easier. If you choose to camp Monday to Friday, it is much easier.

I'm not suggesting he isn't playing games. But why not make it a negotiation, if they get to go camping on your time, you should get some makeup time or some flexibility.

[frustratedwithex]

Not in Ontario. We used this same reservation system for 10 plus years when we were together. We chose the weeks we wanted to go and made the reservation. Period, no big drama.

He goes to the same place every year, with the same group of people. This is why the kids like to go, they like the camp ground and the group that gathers every year. I get that.

I have discussed this with him. It also happened to come up in mediation. He gave the same explanation to the mediator, that it is out of his control and not his fault. She said no it isn't. I use the same reservation system, I know how it works. Stop it.

And yet it continues. Still not his fault, the kids want to go.

I start the conversation in January/February with the kids. They tell me no they won't have time, full time jobs and all, and they won't have time to camp. Then yesterday she tells me she is going camping next week. Oh yeah, and she has to spend 3 days at his place to help him pack the trailer.

They are not young kids, they are young adults, they make their own decisions.

I can offer a trip to far away places. Don't really think its cheaper for me, paying for 4 adults to travel.

Does that put them in a place of choosing between parents, or just choosing?

[Qrious]

How old are the kids, frustrated?

[HammerDad]

What does your agreement provide regarding summer vacationing? What is the ex entitled to when it comes to summer vacation? Is he entitled to 2 weeks to be taken at his discretion upon advising you in like May, you are likely SOL. If he entitled to two 1 week blocks, then anything he schedules outside of those two blocks he would not be entitled to parenting time, that is unless the children are of an age, and you've each agreed, that they can make these decisions. And in that case, well, you are really SOL.

If he knows he can schedule this on any weekend and the kids will want to go and will choose to go, you need to start working on your kids, not your ex. He can schedule what he wants when he wants. It is your kids that is making the choice to go.

It may sound shady to you, but it may just be a matter of perspective. He may be that he is doing it to rile you up. Or, given what you described as a large group that goes, he may be subject to the schedule of everyone else as well and has no malicious intentions. You need to work on your kids and let them know that time with you is equally as important as time camping with dad. They are the ones making the choice, dad is just dangling the carrot to help them jump. You need to fix your kids because, if it is them that is making the choice (and your agreement doesn't prevent them otherwise), there is nothing you can do about when it comes to your ex.

[frustratedwithex]

It may sound shady to you, but it may just be a matter of perspective. He may be that he is doing it to rile you up. Or, given what you described as a large group that goes, he may be subject to the schedule of everyone else as well and has no malicious intentions..

Its not the large group, all these many years of camping, the group works together on picking the weeks to camp.

You need to work on your kids and let them know that time with you is equally as important as time camping with dad. They are the ones making the choice, dad is just dangling the carrot to help them jump. You need to fix your kids because, if it is them that is making the choice (and your agreement doesn't prevent them otherwise), there is nothing you can do about when it comes to your ex

Yes, this is what is happening and at this time, the kids chose camping and the ex knows this. Florida last year was the same. He knew they would be very excited to go and also would not give up camping, albeit for a shorter time. Don't know what else to do to work on the kids.

Along with this issue, in order to become self sufficient, I am working 2 jobs and many hours. One kid has chosen to move in full time with dad because, "I am never home". Next kid is starting to lean this way as well. Doesn't seem to be an issue that dad works 40 hours a week, golfs 1-2 nights a week and both Saturday and Sunday.

[Links17]

Reading between the lines, I would say the kids like their Dad more all these other things are "symptoms" of that.

You also seem somewhat paranoid, people here without any inside information have debunked your theory that your ex-h is purposefully destroying your summer plans.

Don't take offense from what I said... consider it.

[HammerDad]

Its not the large group, all these many years of camping, the group works together on picking the weeks to camp.

But there would have to be a consensus. Even if it were 2-3 families going, it isn't always easy to coordinate schedules. But again, this may have little reason for what is happening or the schedule, or it could have some impact (at least some of the time).

Yes, this is what is happening and at this time, the kids chose camping and the ex knows this. Florida last year was the same. He knew they would be very excited to go and also would not give up camping, albeit for a shorter time. Don't know what else to do to work on the kids.

Along with this issue, in order to become self sufficient, I am working 2 jobs and many hours. One kid has chosen to move in full time with dad because, "I am never home". Next kid is starting to lean this way as well. Doesn't seem to be an issue that dad works 40 hours a week, golfs 1-2 nights a week and both Saturday and Sunday.

I am sorry you are going through this. It isn't easy being on your own. But if you show that you are working hard to better yourself and them, you can only hope they pick up on that in the future and learn to appreciate your efforts.

[frustratedwithex]

Reading between the lines, I would say the kids like their Dad more all these other things are "symptoms" of that.

You also seem somewhat paranoid, people here without any inside information have debunked your theory that your ex-h is purposefully destroying your summer plans.

Don't take offense from what I said... consider it.

Because it is a populairty contest?? They have to choose who they like more?

I am not paranoid. I am venting my frustration. My relationship with my kids is good. I don't worry about that.

So, debunk away. I know it isn't fully my ex., kids make their own decisions, however ex. does have influence in that process. And at this point he makes a big fuss when they don't choose him. Sometimes that is easier for them so they don't have to listen to his ranting.

And the kids like camping. Ex however voiced his displeasure frequently. I would never voice my dissappointment that they chose camping over me.

...if you show that you are working hard to better yourself and them, you can only hope they pick up on that in the future and learn to appreciate your efforts

They express this to me often. But at the end of the day, I don't have much, if any, free time. Their dad has many, many, many weeks vacation time and more funds available. Kids know if I take time off, I am not getting paid. I don't make a big deal out of this. I tell them everything is fine and not to worry.

[Qrious]

Reading between the lines, I would say the kids like their Dad more all these other things are "symptoms" of that.
Don't take offense from what I said... consider it.

What?! This is just pure ridiculousness. This is NO WAY means the kids like their dad better. As if you meant no offence.

I travel every March with a very large group of friends, consisting of kids my son's age as well. We travel to the Caribbean and have a great time.

Does S15 want to come with me every year for the trip? You bet. Does it mean he likes me better than his dad? Not a chance. Ridiculous.

[standing on the sidelines]

it just sounds like the kids like the tradition of camping with the group of people. Nothing wrong with that.

[frustratedwithex]

it just sounds like the kids like the tradition of camping with the group of people. Nothing wrong with that.

Yes, I know they like the tradition of camping.

I'm venting and I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to concern any of them that the weeks they choose to do this, means that I don't see them.

[Links17]

What?! This is just pure ridiculousness. This is NO WAY means the kids like their dad better. As if you meant no offence.

I travel every March with a very large group of friends, consisting of kids my son's age as well. We travel to the Caribbean and have a great time.

Does S15 want to come with me every year for the trip? You bet. Does it mean he likes me better than his dad? Not a chance. Ridiculous.

I could be wrong, reading between the lines is an intuitive exercise
and in your case the context is completely different.

[blinkandimgone]

Yes, I know they like the tradition of camping.

I'm venting and I'm pissed because it doesn't seem to concern any of them that the weeks they choose to do this, means that I don't see them.

Just to offer a different perspective on things....perhaps the kids don't seem concerned because they feel a level of confidence, comfort and security in their relationship with you.

Kids are pretty self centred as teens and young adults, this is the time when they are just starting to learn and understand things like empathy, intuition, and mutual relationships, they're just starting to figure out what their responsibilities are in maintaining different kinds of relationships so they are mutually satisfying. They're learning how to meet - and set - expectations as far as relationships go.

Our kids don't know us as 'people', they know us as parents. And as they age, they start to 'get' that there's more to us than 'just' mom and dad who always love them no matter what. But there is a great deal of security in knowing where your safe place is, one that kids, teens and many people in general, take for granted.

It's quite possible, it just hasn't occured to your kids that you really, truly value, benefit, enjoy and want to spend the time with them, because they are so secure in their relationship with you. To them, it's just a given, not necessarily something they realize (yet) needs to be nurtured.


Just a thought....