Ex starting to change.

[SadAndTired]

While married, ex was a pretty level headed, quiet guy who was likeable and pleasant.

We've been separated now almost 2 years. He is in a relationship with a g/f for a year and a half and at one point recently yelled at me that he is "the happiest he has ever been". LOL.

Lately he is losing his cool all the time. When he left, he only asked for eow and made it seem like no big deal. He did the whole typical midlife crisis thing with new clothes, shoes, electronics, etc. I wonder if the reality that divorce did not solve his personal issues, that not seeing our kids very often is really hard and the stresses of work are getting to him.

He is so thin now, losing his hair rapidly and cannot even have a simple conversation without him turning into a screaming, emotional mess. I cannot handle talking on the phone with him so much that I have insisted we move to Our Family Wizard.

It is so unlike the man he was, even just 6 months ago.

What is my point? I don't know. I guess I am wondering if anyone else saw a delayed change in personality in their ex? We obviously both changed some immediately following the separation and were both emotional. This is something else....

Not my business what happens to him or what he experiences. He has his new girlfriend and his family for support. Just interesting to see how it appears his life is not the one he thought it would be when he left. The issues he blamed me for didn't go away when he did.

[blinkandimgone]

Yes, four years in and my ex was one of my best friends up until about a year and a half ago. Then he changed, started to become spiteful, and manipulative, had a sudden interest in the kids whereas for the previous 16 years had next to no interest in parenting. I was glad when he decided finally to do some parenting, but it seems it only extends to undermining me as often as possible and questions my parenting at every opportunity.

People change, life changes people - not always for the better, and it sucks.

[Janibel]

He is so thin now, losing his hair rapidly and cannot even have a simple conversation without him turning into a screaming, emotional mess.

Actually, I have noticed the same with my STBX, though he's put on at least 30 pounds since our separation a year ago. When I saw him in court a few months back, I noticed that his hands were stained with nicotine (chain smoking - yuck) he is not taking good care of himself.

The criminal case is still pending and divorce negociations are far from over.
There will be no mediation because of the no contact order, I'm thankful for that, as I would not want to deal with him directly. He seems out of control and oblivious to everything.

He has cut off all contact with his family and many of our mutual friends no longer want anything to do with him as all he ever does is complain and blame me for his problems ... mid life crisis? probably something worse.

[stripes]

Similar here. My ex got the full midlife-crisis package - bought a motorbike, dyed his hair, got a personal trainer, invested in salon tans and tattoos, and acquired a much younger girlfriend. Mutual acquaintances say they don't recognize him anymore. He insists - repeatedly - that he is happier than ever and that I'll never ruin his happiness (btw, not trying and not really interested).

He also does the losing-his-cool thing, with cycles of emails that get steadily longer, more pointless, and more hostile, before stopping abruptly. And his language is pretty crude, with expressions he never used when we were married. He justifies this as "telling it like it is" and "injecting a little honesty" and when I stop responding to messages which are insulting or vulgar, sends more email haranguing me for not being able to listen to the truth about myself. Apparently I deceive everyone except him with my facade of reasonableness.

I hope his post-divorce life works out, because I want him to be able to be a good parent to our daughter (and in fairness, he's doing that). But I can't help thinking that anyone who was actually happy with their new life wouldn't be putting out as much anger as he is.

While married, ex was a pretty level headed, quiet guy who was likeable and pleasant.

We've been separated now almost 2 years. He is in a relationship with a g/f for a year and a half and at one point recently yelled at me that he is "the happiest he has ever been". LOL.

Lately he is losing his cool all the time. When he left, he only asked for eow and made it seem like no big deal. He did the whole typical midlife crisis thing with new clothes, shoes, electronics, etc. I wonder if the reality that divorce did not solve his personal issues, that not seeing our kids very often is really hard and the stresses of work are getting to him.

He is so thin now, losing his hair rapidly and cannot even have a simple conversation without him turning into a screaming, emotional mess. I cannot handle talking on the phone with him so much that I have insisted we move to Our Family Wizard.

It is so unlike the man he was, even just 6 months ago.

What is my point? I don't know. I guess I am wondering if anyone else saw a delayed change in personality in their ex? We obviously both changed some immediately following the separation and were both emotional. This is something else....

Not my business what happens to him or what he experiences. He has his new girlfriend and his family for support. Just interesting to see how it appears his life is not the one he thought it would be when he left. The issues he blamed me for didn't go away when he did.

[OhMy]

It was always about my spouse during the marriage. During and after no true interest in the children unless it suited my soon to be ex spouse.

Somehow the unhappiness was my fault and still is. The anger from my soon to be ex spouse is very evident and is directed at me and the children.

Upon reflection, that has not changed. It is just more obvious now as I am removed further from it.

Whether my soon to be ex is happier or not, is unknown but it does not appear that happiness can be achieved through the current level of anger. I am truly hopeful that my soon to be ex finds happiness.

I am happier, despite the games and attempts to control, being directed at me. I don't have to try to be perfect anymore to appease anyone or to try to avoid an explosion. I can be me.

The temper tantrum continues. It may very well continue for eternity. Regardless, I have chosen to try to move forward (with help) as remaining in a state of fear and powerlessness does little good for me or the children.

[involveddad75]

Before, During and after trial, my ex was the most inflexible person when it came to access changes or negotiations. (She would likely say the same about me).
Anyhow almost a year past trial, I still try and wage peace.
For instance I offered her parents time with the children for an anniversary date of when my ex's brother died, mom had already turned it down.
Anyhow I was asked never to contact them again. Damned is I do, damned if I don't.

Anyhow just recently she''s done a complete about face and it now more than willing to co-parent and adjust exchange times.. I am an equal time parent.

I would encourage everyone pursue that goal, and offer the children the opportunity of equal shared parenting. Our children are doing so well and it does really benefit the children.

Start small and offer the access parent to pickup and drop off on the friday and monday if they like, then offer them an overnight during the week one week say after soccer or something, and progress to two overnights during the week they don't get the weekend.
It'll give you time to yourself and will be a huge act of peace and BIOC.

[wretchedotis]

My ex initially lost a bunch of weight, and I admit I was jealous as she looked good. But then she put it back on, plus some more.

Not jealous anymore =)

[FaithandMorals]

Reflection is healthy. It can be cathartic and therapeutic.

However, I expect my ex and everyone on this forum to have changed after a breakdown in the family unit.

Would Bert by the same without Ernie? Penn & Teller be the same if it was just Penn, or Teller?

Did Phil Collins change after he left Genesis (insert any other band here)?

Most importantly are we, and our children the same when they were born, during the relationship and subsequent?

I question the quality of the answers I find from comparing my ex to how they were when we were together. Of course, whatever works to help each of us get through this hell.

In the memorable words of King Lear, "I stumbled when I saw".

[caranna]

Having not seen or had contact with the stbx for over 1.5 years, I noticed that he was squinting and realized he wasn't wearing his glasses. He also interrupted the judge twice. Fortunately for him, the judge kept on speaking and ignored him.

Now I feel that he hasn't really changed . He used to interrupt me a lot even though I had tried to reason with him in this regard. If he tries to stop a judge from speaking twice, I doubt that he will ever change.

[SadAndTired]

Reflection is healthy. It can be cathartic and therapeutic.

However, I expect my ex and everyone on this forum to have changed after a breakdown in the family unit.


I question the quality of the answers I find from comparing my ex to how they were when we were together. Of course, whatever works to help each of us get through this hell.

In the memorable words of King Lear, "I stumbled when I saw".

No, you may have missed my point FandM. I acknowledged that separation changed all of us (our kids included.)

What I was thinking about is that my ex has changed significantly just in the last 6 months or so.

We have been separated almost two years now. I was wondering about the delay and how others may have experienced that.

[SadAndTired]

Thanks to all for your perspectives. I read them all and appreciate them very much!

[stripes]

I question the quality of the answers I find from comparing my ex to how they were when we were together. Of course, whatever works to help each of us get through this hell.

In the memorable words of King Lear, "I stumbled when I saw".

I imagine if someone asked my ex how he thought I'd changed, the answer wouldn't be very warm and fuzzy either. I also know I see him through a particularly negative set of spectacles. It's tough to get outside the cognitive distortion induced by emotion - that's one lesson I am still working on learning, and one reason why I appreciate this forum.

[Janibel]

It's tough to get outside the cognitive distortion induced by emotion ...

The cognitive distortion induced by emotion is the reason I remained in a bad situation for so long. Nowadays, I'm able to see him for the person he truly is without the benefit of my own dilusions ... Momma was right all along!

[Qrious]

Momma always knows. Mine knew. And really? So did I. Makes me think that young adults aren't actually capable of making a good decision until they're in their 40's! Lol!

[wretchedotis]

Momma always knows. Mine knew. And really? So did I. Makes me think that young adults aren't actually capable of making a good decision until they're in their 40's! Lol!

Well, early 30's anyway