Christmas presents for the Ex???

[RemarriedDadof2]

So my story in an nutshell; been in and out of court with Ex for almost 5 years. I guess you can say I "won" the last round of court which took up the last year of my life. Although Ex and I already had joint-custody, I was self-represented and fighting for equal access to my kids. My Ex of course thought alternate weekends without midweek access was the limit of her generosity, not only that, she filed her own motion for sole-custody. OCL weighed in and said no to sole custody and yes to equal access.

Now it's of course Christmas and surprise, Ex sends kids home with a Christmas present for my new wife and I??!?! Only thing going through my mind is WTF??? I find it hard to switch gears; how can I be the scum of the earth who doesn't even deserve custody in her eyes, but poof all of a sudden, "Merry Christmas?".

Do you give Christmas presents (or birthday presents for that matter) to your Ex?? Is it appropriate?

RemarriedDadof2

[dad2bandm]

Is it a gift, from the kids. Maybe it was something the kids helped with, and wanted to do?

Do you have a reasonable or amicable relationship with the ex, that you would want to send a gift to her? It sounds like, probably not, at this time. Don't give a gift, if you don't mean it. :-)

Have you opened the gift yet? lol. It's not a lump of coal, or something, is it? haha.

To answer your question:

I exchange gifts with 1 ex (because we get along), and the other one, I do not, because she is a HAP parent.

The one I do exchange with, is usually a small gift, for her, and her new hubby. Something like a bottle of wine for them to share, or a gift certificate, so they can go out for a meal, etc.

Thinking of the kids...you can always get the kids involved making/buying something, for the other parent, and have it "from them too".

[fireweb13]

So far the only time I purchase anything is a mothers day card and usually a flower. Our daughter actually does this but I think its an important day so it makes sense. Our daughter made Mom a christmas card so we sent that as well. Its really up to our daughter. By all means I would not spend more than $20 on my ex in these situations and it would have to be a special occasion, but I don't see the harm in it. It also goes a long way with showing our daughter that I do not hate her mom and am trying to do something to facilitate something positive in their relationship.

[Pursuinghappiness]

You might want to hold the box up to your ear to see if its ticking....

lol

[fireweb13]

You might want to hold the box up to your ear to see if its ticking....

lol

Very good point. Whatever you do, make sure that you open it outside.

[wretchedotis]

I sent a christmas present to my ex from our boy the first christmas.

It was met with anger and incresed conflict for a few months.

I suggest you just take it in stride and say 'thanks'.

It doesn't have to mean any of the things you want to assign to it, other than maybe holiday spirit.

[HammerDad]

I buy stuff for the ex from my daughter (with my daughter, I normally let her pick it out) christmas and mothers day. I rarely get anything in return. I do it because sometimes the small gestures of kindness grant me some peace of mind for a period of time, as it puts me back in the good books with the ex.

Plus my daughter likes it. She likes the idea that mom and dad get along well enough to buy each other things. When I suggested last night that we spend a bit of our time together to go shopping for mom, my daughter got all bright eyed and happy. Now, the "shopping" ended up with us at Tim Hortons getting D7 a hot chocolate, the ex a $25 Tim's card and myself a coffee. But it was something that made D7 happy so it was money well spent.

[DowntroddenDad]

Last Christmas my kids tipped me off that my ex was getting me something. They had been furious that I hadn't acknowledged her birthday. I did get her something.

This year I am making a basket of treats for the whole family, including her mom and step father. That will be the gift to everyone there who isn't one of the kids.

[wretchedotis]

Really, doing that sort of thing (going out with kid and buying present for the kids other parent) builds a positive sense of family (even when dysfuncional) that every kid needs and craves.

It is a wholesome excercise that fosters the child well being.

Now if it's a gift from 'the ex' well maybe there is an issue there... who am I to say either way?

[ele110]

I give money to the kids and they by a present for the ex. They get the pleasure of picking something nice and giving and that makes them happy. That is all that matters to me.

[caranna]

Ph and fireweb...Thanks for the laugh..

[hadenough]

I despise my ex beyond words. I have purchased gifts in past for Son to give to his 2 younger step-siblings. (His dad is remarried). I think a cpl of times I sent son w/some chocolates so that he could bring them for xmas dinner @his dad's inlaws.

This year - things have taken a turn for the worse. Dad hasn't seen Son in months and recently cut off his cell phone. That was followed by txt msgs (to mt cell) basically telling us both to "F*CK OFF" - yes, that's (part of) a quote. Needless to say, this will be the 1st xmas in 5 yrs that Son not seeing dad.

I asked Son if he wanted to p/up a couple of gifts for the little ones. He likes them a lot, despite their huge gap in age. He said no, that it would be too awkward going by there to drop off gifts (I was thinking of just leaving on their porch). Son is dead set against it, and not b/c he doesn't like the kids. He wants nothing to do w/a dad that is capable of such nasty behavior (the txts were quite bad) - so, I guess this year will be different.

Aside from that, having the kids give prezzies to their other parent or gifts betwn former partners is a great way to show the kids that harmony is possible. If my ex wasn't such a psycho, I'd love to have the gift-giving arrangement for ex's kids, and for him and the wife. But I've got a better chance of winning the Lottery. "Harmony" is NOT going to happen. Best to keep radio silence. I feel bad that my son won't see his step-siblings. He clearly does not want to see his dad. Dad has made it very clear that he has no interest in a relationship with son. A shame seeing as son was 8 y/o when we split. So it's not like they never formed a relationship.

[hadenough]

High Fives to you dads that are thinking of the kids and getting stuff like Mother's Day Cards etc even if you don't get along w/your ex. It makes the kids feel good. My son asked twice to get a card/small gift for me and his dad said "no."

Hey, what can one expect from an asshole? :s

[SelfEmployedDad]

"OCL weighed in and said no to sole custody and yes to equal access."

WOW! Good stuff!

As for gifts, I have ALWAYS taken our son out to buy birthday, names day, valentines, Mother's Day and Christmas gifts, for his Mom. He loves her, and wants to surprise her. I think it is awesome.

Of course, the reverse has never happened. But, when he is older, it will make sense to him.

But, your comment is the gift was for you and your new wife. Double Wow. Not sure what I would do in that scenario. I think I would say I don't know his Mom's new boyfriend/husband, and that his Mom can help him buy that gift.

[arabian]

Never thought about getting my ex a Christmas present. Wait - I thought of the perfect present, it would be two-fold:

A jar of petroleum jelly wrapped in a copy of my bill from my lawyer.

Yes that put me in the Christmas mood!