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blended/mixed family and christmas.

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  • blended/mixed family and christmas.

    My ex is remarried with two new children from that marriage.
    I am single with only the one child from her and mine preveious relationship.

    Our common son is the eldest at 7 years of age, her two new boys are 3 and 1. She has him the majority of the time and I have access eow and tuesdays overnight.

    I've just emailed her as after some soul searching as I've decided that as much it will be a hearrt-ache to me, moving forward it is probably best for our mutual son (and her new kids too, for that fact) that he spend Christmas morning with them every year.

    This is contrary to the Order, not that I imagine she'll possibly object.
    Mind you, she has amazed me in the past... lol

    Anyways, I just wanted to ask how people feel about this decision of mine?

    Is it really better for the child? Or, am I off on my thinking?

  • #2
    have you asked for anything in return? I think its nice that you are willing to let your child spend the excitement of christmas morning with his brothers.


    • #3
      Wow I wish you were my ex . Seriously though, that is a completely selfless act. I have a new child in my new marriage and my D6 that i have with my ex refuses to let her spend Christmas with her new sister even though she has asked repeatedly. I wish he would allow it since he won't even put up a Christmas tree at his place or take the time to wrap her presents . I think what you are offering is wonderful.


      • #4
        I am not sure I agree here Otis. Indeed it is selfless to think your child should spend the Christmas mornings where there are more people important to them. To go so far and say that every Christmas morning going forward should not be spent with you is denying that you are a part of your child's Christmas morning memories.
        Maybe an idea is to have more Christmas mornings at moms but not all?


        • #5
          Originally posted by FaithandMorals View Post
          To go so far and say that every Christmas morning going forward should not be spent with you is denying that you are a part of your child's Christmas morning memories.
          Maybe an idea is to have more Christmas mornings at moms but not all?
          A great point as well. Have you considered asking your son what he would like? Spending Christmas eve and morning with siblings is very special, or it was for me growing up anyway, but it might become less important to him as he gets older.


          • #6
            You never know what the future holds. What if you remarry and have a son? You may be giving up any chance that your first born spend Christmas morning with him.
            What about paternal grandparents? Are they still around and if so, would it affect their Christmas with their Grandson?

            It's an awesome gesture on your part and only you know how your ex and also your son would feel about this, and I'm sure you thought it over long and hard.

            Why not just make the offer on a year by year basis, shortly before the Christmas season?


            • #7
              If I have learned anything from reading this and other divorce-related websites, it is that the old maxim of "no good deed goes unpunished" applies the most to our situations.

              I would not offer this. You are basically saying that the other family is more important than you and your family. And, as others have already pointed out, you may be creating a status quo that will be hard to disturb.

              You are already a part-timer, why would you want to reduce your time further? Let her give up some of her time in return, she has more than enough to spare.

              Most importantly, I do not think that this offer is in the best interests of your child. A child thrives best when s/he knows that both of her parents are parents. By placing yourself deliberately on a second tier, your child is losing a parent. Thinking that such an action is best for children is the type of nonsense that has caused parents to give up their children for years, and that really has to stop.


              • #8
                Great idea otis - I agree - its best for the child to spend Christmas morning with their siblings.

                I also agree that you should not commit to the idea, but decide year by year.

                Also asking child is good too but realistically, to spend christmas morning with your siblings is really important.

                Don't forget that you have a long time ahead - when they are adults, etc.

                Also, kids don't care if it's the 24 or 25 etc. Just have your Christmas the next day or the day before and everyone wins.

                At my house Christmas Eve is the big night, and we alternate that between houses, but each parent has a full Christmas with the kids (24th evening at one house, 25th at the other house - I order Chinese, their mom does turkey).

                It does not matter to me or the kids which night it is at my house or if they've already opened presents, and they look forward to the meals at both houses.


                • #9
                  Nice gesture, BUT it can potentially bite you in the ass. Totally agree that you should do so year to year.

                  Maybe you could request the order be varied...most of the time the kidlet gets 2 weeks off from school. Perhaps your ex would be agreeable to doing a switch at like 6pm on Dec. 25, or the morning of the 26th and you keep him until New Years Day? That mean she gets the bulk of Xmas, and you get to spend New Year's Eve with him.

                  If your ex ever wants to go out, that's one less kid to pay a babysitter for, so that might sweeten the pot, PLUS you get time as well with them.

                  My own order stipulates Xmas exchange at 6pm on the 25th.


                  • #10
                    Thanks for the input.

                    Some good points here that I will certainly keep in mind.


                    • #11
                      I think it's a wonderful gesture, but it isn't needed.

                      My first ex and I have one child, and I have two new children. We still alternate Christmas, depending on what leave he gets. My oldest adores her siblings, but I know she also loves waking up with the other side of the family, where she's the only grandchild Because of the age gap in siblings, your son might also enjoy being the only kid in a situation on Christmas. Little ones do tend to need and get far more attention than older kids.


                      • #12
                        The way we do it is, I will always pick up our daughter at 3 PM Christmas day and her Mom picks her up 3 PM on NYE. Working well so far for us. So she gets 2 christmases, it is all how you pitch it to the kids. Even if they think its strange at first once you start baking cookies and stuff they get right into it. We have had a huge Christmas celebration in February before and its one of the best memories we have(lost 3 months because mom was....not very nice). Kids will get excited if you get excited. Even if its christmas in January at the end of the day the kids will take it whenever as long as its fun.


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