The RIGHT-FIGHTER Syndrome in ODF

[Pursuinghappiness]

I've been working a lot the past little bit so I haven't been on much but while goofing off on my lunch hour today...I'm reading some previous forum posts and noticing a pattern.

The pattern being the number of posters who come into the forum with their minds already made up about their position being the only right one.

Its somewhat interesting to see the progression of the thread when the described poster begins to realize that everyone else in the world might not see things their exact way. You see some common statements made..things like, ie:


1. You're all bitter and spiteful and have a chip on your shoulders...
2. I should have never bothered asking advice on some unqualified divorce forum....
3. You don't know the whole story...(often followed by a litany of irrelevant emotional background details)...

...and then my personal favorite...

4. I'm going to prevail anyway!!


I know that this mentality is probably very commonplace for those with control issues. The overwhelming belief that despite what anyone says...THEY ARE RIGHT! I'm sometimes not even sure if they read or comprehend the contrary point of view that they're given.

They often believe that they are the GATEKEEPER of the kids even pre-separation agreement when Canadian Divorce Law clearly states assumed 50/50 custody (or where sole custody orders exacerbate the condition because they often don't understand what sole custody means)...they need to micromanage their kids and their ex...they have over-involvement in details of their ex's lives, particularly the obsessive need to know every detail of their ex's romantic life....the need to be validated (ie, everything I say is right) and when they aren't, the resulting vehement anger.

Obviously these types don't come to the forum for advice...they come here for validation of their "right-fighter" position. They truly don't understand their involvement in the ongoing conflict. They easily justify their own selfishness using their children at any opportunity.

Its just very bizarre and a little disturbing to me how many of these types that there are. You have to worry how awful it must be for a kid to have a parent/parents who are so self-absorbed and self-serving that they become blind to even impartial and fair advice.

[Mess]

Grace Jones - I'm Not Perfect (But I'm Perfect For You)

[hadenough]

Lol, well I come here mostly b/c and/or when I have NO idea what to do or which direction to turn.

PH: you're so correct in your observations. There are many people who really can't absorb other people's opinions and often miss the point that is being made by member's comments.

[OhMy]

Pursuinghappiness,

You statements are accurate. Too often people get caught up in the fight and can no longer subjectively look at their own situation. Injured egos and controlling behaviours get you no where other than in huge debt with hurt children and harmed relationships.

Not all can let go or seperate the emotion and that is why this forum is so invaluable. Those who do not take some of the comments on here as constructive critism are losing out by their own accord.

I don't post per say about my own situation, but do find threads of a similar nature. All the posts/threads over the years have helped me recognize my own faults and misgivings and helped me to let go and try to move forward.

Some just make me laugh .

[hadenough]

"All the posts/threads over the years have helped me recognize my own faults and misgivings and helped me to let go and try to move forward.

Some just make me laugh"

^ Ditto!! ^ (trying to move forward is the part that's taking a while for me..)

[OhMy]

When you do let go you will find true happiness.

Happiness comes from within and is a choice. Its not dependent on others.

Life is too short to be or stay bitter. Also bitterness ages you much faster .

That's how I try to view it anyhow lol.

Lastly, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

[hadenough]

All True... I'm still waiting on a few uncertainties (or axes to fall) so it's difficult to make plans (for me anyway) in that "atmosphere."

I strive towards indifference (to things that once made me very angry/frustrated) and hope it paves the way to acceptance/happiness. It does come from within. It doesn't come from another person. I'm part way into a book that deals with all of that.

A few loose ends to deal with.. I wish I knew the outcome. But self awareness has been an eye-opening journey. I'm still on it. I have a few close relationships (friends/family), a great sense of humour (I think!), and I exercise regularly. That has helped a lot! Definitely, in so many ways I am stronger.

[OhMy]

Hadenough,

You got it. Stay in that mindset and you will get there

[Tayken]

I've been working a lot the past little bit so I haven't been on much but while goofing off on my lunch hour today...I'm reading some previous forum posts and noticing a pattern.

The pattern being the number of posters who come into the forum with their minds already made up about their position being the only right one.

Its somewhat interesting to see the progression of the thread when the described poster begins to realize that everyone else in the world might not see things their exact way. You see some common statements made..things like, ie:


1. You're all bitter and spiteful and have a chip on your shoulders...
2. I should have never bothered asking advice on some unqualified divorce forum....
3. You don't know the whole story...(often followed by a litany of irrelevant emotional background details)...

...and then my personal favorite...

4. I'm going to prevail anyway!!


I know that this mentality is probably very commonplace for those with control issues. The overwhelming belief that despite what anyone says...THEY ARE RIGHT! I'm sometimes not even sure if they read or comprehend the contrary point of view that they're given.

They often believe that they are the GATEKEEPER of the kids even pre-separation agreement when Canadian Divorce Law clearly states assumed 50/50 custody (or where sole custody orders exacerbate the condition because they often don't understand what sole custody means)...they need to micromanage their kids and their ex...they have over-involvement in details of their ex's lives, particularly the obsessive need to know every detail of their ex's romantic life....the need to be validated (ie, everything I say is right) and when they aren't, the resulting vehement anger.

Obviously these types don't come to the forum for advice...they come here for validation of their "right-fighter" position. They truly don't understand their involvement in the ongoing conflict. They easily justify their own selfishness using their children at any opportunity.

Its just very bizarre and a little disturbing to me how many of these types that there are. You have to worry how awful it must be for a kid to have a parent/parents who are so self-absorbed and self-serving that they become blind to even impartial and fair advice.

PH, basically, you have described in a very logical manner the basis for William Eddy's theory of highly conflicted people. Honestly, your posts are always a welcome sight on this board.

If you do not have copies of Mr. Eddy's books namely:

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It's All Your Fault
Splitting

I highly recommend you give them a read. Additional reading that may be of interest to you is the work of Dr. Christine Anne Lawson and Randi Kregger (Stop Walking on Eggshells).

I have more complex books and research on the topic but, these are the best place to start in understanding what you have already identified is common patterns of behaviour of highly conflicted people. If you need some recommended reading just let me know.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[Tayken]

Pursuinghappiness,

You statements are accurate. Too often people get caught up in the fight and can no longer subjectively look at their own situation. Injured egos and controlling behaviours get you no where other than in huge debt with hurt children and harmed relationships.

I think you meant to say they look subjectively at the issues and not "objectively".

The difference between these two important ideas is the difference between fact and opinion. Facts are objective and provably true; however, if no clear facts exist about a topic, then a series of balanced opinions needs to be produced to allow the reader to make up his or her mind; opinions are subjective ideas held by individuals and so are always biased. If unbalanced opinions are presented as if they are facts, they act as propaganda or persuasion, e.g. a newspaper headline might state: "Youngsters are the prime cause of trouble in this area". This is presented as an objective fact but is clearly a subjective opinion.

An objective piece of information, therefore, needs either to be the whole truth and at least be unbiased or balanced, whereas a subjective point of view is biased because it is either not the complete picture or it is merely a viewpoint or expression of feelings.

When studying literature, it is best to be objective when you consider a text's qualities. Of course, literature read for pleasure should be approached subjectively as this allows you to 'be there' with the characters, feeling involved with the plot and so forth. But when you discuss literature for an essay, it is far safer to 'stand back' and see it objectively for what it is: no more than an attempt to engage and hold your attention, build trust in its writer, and persuade you to a way of thinking - the writer's way!

Looked at objectively, a text is no more than a 'vehicle' for communicating a persuasive message. This applies to characters and settings, too - all highly compelling and believable 'vehicles' for the writer to convince you to think his or her way!

Objective + Subjective

[wretchedotis]

I've been working a lot the past little bit so I haven't been on much but while goofing off on my lunch hour today...I'm reading some previous forum posts and noticing a pattern.

The pattern being the number of posters who come into the forum with their minds already made up about their position being the only right one.

Its somewhat interesting to see the progression of the thread when the described poster begins to realize that everyone else in the world might not see things their exact way. You see some common statements made..things like, ie:


1. You're all bitter and spiteful and have a chip on your shoulders...
2. I should have never bothered asking advice on some unqualified divorce forum....
3. You don't know the whole story...(often followed by a litany of irrelevant emotional background details)...

...and then my personal favorite...

4. I'm going to prevail anyway!!


I know that this mentality is probably very commonplace for those with control issues. The overwhelming belief that despite what anyone says...THEY ARE RIGHT! I'm sometimes not even sure if they read or comprehend the contrary point of view that they're given.

They often believe that they are the GATEKEEPER of the kids even pre-separation agreement when Canadian Divorce Law clearly states assumed 50/50 custody (or where sole custody orders exacerbate the condition because they often don't understand what sole custody means)...they need to micromanage their kids and their ex...they have over-involvement in details of their ex's lives, particularly the obsessive need to know every detail of their ex's romantic life....the need to be validated (ie, everything I say is right) and when they aren't, the resulting vehement anger.

Obviously these types don't come to the forum for advice...they come here for validation of their "right-fighter" position. They truly don't understand their involvement in the ongoing conflict. They easily justify their own selfishness using their children at any opportunity.

Its just very bizarre and a little disturbing to me how many of these types that there are. You have to worry how awful it must be for a kid to have a parent/parents who are so self-absorbed and self-serving that they become blind to even impartial and fair advice.

You have a valid point, but consider that most people going through this (I would hope) truly believe they are in the right. They may not have any knowledge of Law, but from their perspective they are therefore doing the right thing by persuing their claims.

This board is invaluable for the reality check that some people need, but the courts exisit for the very reason of determining whom is 'right' and who is 'wrong' in a (somewhat) civilized fashion.

Furthermore, what is 'right' in one situation is not always 'right' in another.

It is a difficult path to navigate when one frst embarks on the emotional roller-coaster of divorce and custodial life events. Let's not be too harsh on them.

[hadenough]

I think it's fair to say that many of us have been hardened (for lack of a better word) by our various experiences, and often that comes through in what/how we write. It's not necessarily a 'bad' thing. It's just a thing. It is what it is, as we so often hear.

[OhMy]

I think you meant to say they look subjectively at the issues and not "objectively".



Objective + Subjective

Tayken,

Yes, you are correct . Thank you! I believe I meant to say objectively vs subjectively though, but I know what you meant.

We all have difficultly seeing our own situations due to our emotions being in the way.

[Tayken]

Tayken,

Yes, you are correct . Thank you! I believe I meant to say objectively vs subjectively though, but I know what you meant.

We all have difficultly seeing our own situations due to our emotions being in the way.

No problem. I had assumed that based on your history of posting and just wanted to clarify it.

Emotions run high in family law matters. It is a very unique area of law and in my opinion needs mental health workers and not lawyers as the primary advocates for parents in custody disputes.

[beebie]

Thanks for the book suggestions.