bfs daughter and relationship

[standing on the sidelines]

well I am sitting here waiting for a text from my bf of 11 months to see how the talk with his daughter went. This is either gonna make or break our relationship.

little background

She had came early to his house the day before fathers day last year demanding to meet me as she saw my car in the driveway (she was 9 then) Her dad refused as first off she was two hours early, she had changed from coming the next day to coming the night before and her mother was waiting in the driveway. He ALWAYS picks his daughter up for visitation and drops her off back home so the mother did it just to cause issues. it wasnt a good time as he and i had been in bed doing what adults do and i was still there. At that time we were not sure where we were going for sure but now we do. He didnt want to introduce me until we were more sure of the relationship.

Well he decided it was time for the meeting and brought it up to her a few weeks ago. She has been harbouring alot of anger apparently since then but he never knew. She never asked about me after that day last year and he could not figure out why. Well her mother must have had a field day with it ( very hostile towards bf and wanted to cut him out of daughters life in the beginning when she left) The girl has said she never wants to meet me or know anything about me. She said that her father choose me over her when nothing can be further from the truth. He has cancelled with me when he unexpectably got his daughter for a day more then once. She is feeling hurt from that day when she came early and instead of talking to her dad she kept it inside.

He and I know that unless she is willing to understand that she has it all wrong and that I am not a threat to her and her relationship with her father then we are doomed. She doesnt realize that a surprise meeting especially at that time would not have been appropriate for anyone. It was up to her father when the meeting would take place, his terms.

Anybody have some words of wisdom on this?? Probably he should have tried to talk to her after that weekend but he didnt want to bring it up, he wanted her to. He hates arguing and getting into conflicts so he avoided it.

if she isnt willing to bend then I told him that we have to end it. It isnt fair to anyone. The worst thing is he and I are on the same page with money, marriage, kids and protecting ourselves in a relationship in regards to assets. We dont fight, we have had some disagreements but manage to talk and work it out. We are just so compatitably its scary.We were planning on figureing out how we were going to live together next year after his daughter had a chance to get to know me better but now everything is on hold till he sees if she will change her mind.

[May_May]

What a tough situation...I've been dating someone and not sure where it's going-but have only stayed at his house for fear of my ex coming with the kids and causing a scene (when it's not appropriate that they meet yet).

If you think this is an incredible relationship, and this is the only problem, have you guys discussed counselling ? Having an independent third person speaking to her (instead of her mom), and getting the relationship on speaking terms ? Just a thought because it would be a shame to end if this is the only issue.

Good luck...

[standing on the sidelines]

Counselling is a good idea but not sure if the mother will go for it. Its not like the daughter believes that her parents will get back together, her mother married the guy she was cheating with and that lasted less then a year. They have been split up for years. Maybe some couselling for the two of them first then bring me into the sessions??

it would be a shame to end it because it is a great relationship. Its hard to find someone who thinks the same way you do in regards to the major issues that doom most relationships.

[May_May]

Counselling is a good idea but not sure if the mother will go for it. ...

Maybe some couselling for the two of them first then bring me into the sessions??

it would be a shame to end it because it is a great relationship. Its hard to find someone who thinks the same way you do in regards to the major issues that doom most relationships.

Very true. That's why I suggested counselling. Does the mother have to agree if dad takes her on his own, during his time ? and then you get slowly brought in ? I agree that mom, and dad should go but that's a separate discussion.
Can you all go (not worrying about mom) and see where it goes ? Good luck...worth a shot.

[standing on the sidelines]

you misunderstood, i meant the father and daughter go first and then we have a session with me, bf and the daughter. It would be hard as he works two weeks days then two weeks afternoons and the daughter is in school but there has to be a way.

[frustratedwithex]

Counselling is a good idea but not sure if the mother will go for it. Its not like the daughter believes that her parents will get back together, her mother married the guy she was cheating with and that lasted less then a year. They have been split up for years. Maybe some couselling for the two of them first then bring me into the sessions??quote]

Why bring the mother into counselling when you already know she is hostile towards your relationship?

Counselling for the child is a good idea, although from what you describe the child is already resentful of your relationship. I think the mothers ill-fated second marriage is playing a part in the child's resistance to your relationship. She has already seen what happens to second relationships and the mothers attempts at painting your relationship in a bad light doesn't help.

Your bf sticking his head in the sand hoping the situation would improve on its own didn't help either. Whether he admits it or not, I'm pretty sure he knew the mother would react the way she did and by her driving the daughter over for his access time 2 hours early, for me, is a big clue.

Your bf can only be responsible for himself and how he reacts to this situation. He can't, and in my opinion, shouldn't have then or now relied on his 9 year old daughter to make the first attempt at communicating.

if she isn't willing to bend then I told him that we have to end it. It isn't fair to anyone.

I think he is also relying on you to make the right decision here so he can say, "hey wasn't my choice to end the relationship, it was hers'. It is not your issue to fix, its his. By all means be supportive, but don't try and fix it for him.

you misunderstood, i meant the father and daughter go first and then we have a session with me, bf and the daughter. It would be hard as he works two weeks days then two weeks afternoons and the daughter is in school but there has to be a wa

I think this is you trying to fix the situation.

it would be a shame to end it because it is a great relationship. Its hard to find someone who thinks the same way you do in regards to the major issues that doom most relationships.

I think this issue with his daughter is a major issue in your relationship.

You may be on the same page with money, marriage, kids and protecting yourselves in a relationship in regards to assets but his daughter has not been a consistent presence in your relationship so far.

In my opinion the counselling should be your bf alone, not you, not his daughter. He needs to figure out how to make it right with his daughter and then he can introduce you to her.

Of course I don't know all the details, and this is only my opinion.

[May_May]

you misunderstood, i meant the father and daughter go first and then we have a session with me, bf and the daughter. It would be hard as he works two weeks days then two weeks afternoons and the daughter is in school but there has to be a way.

Sorry-Yes I misunderstood. I do agree dad and daughter should go first. Then when the counsellor says it's OK and has a plan to bring you in as well. There might be gaps between the visits...but it will give his daughter time to think about everything as well ! If this is the man you want to be with, it's worth a shot before calling it quits. Good luck-let us know how it goes.

[billiechic]

To me it seems there is a definite need for counselling. Children can be jealous of a new relationship (and sometimes the way they find out), but unless there is something fueling her to continue, she should have accepted it by now. This is a problem.

Your bf needs to be an adult (at least he finally has now) and let his daughter know that you are his gf and she does not get to decide that. He should be sensitive to her feelings, but explain how happy you are together, and that he wants her to get to know you so she can see how amazing you are too. If the daughter cant get past this, then she does need an unbiased party to help, and I suspect her mother's "opinions" may be having some effect here.

My daughter (5YO) was introduced to my bf after 6 weeks. Maybe it was easier because he also has a young daughter, but it didnt take too long (another 4 weeks) for her to fully accept that he would be part of her life, and a great addition. His daughter had an even easier time (like 2 weeks). I am worried that this is taking a long time, and he has been too indulgent of her. That is UNFAIR to you. Yes, his kid comes first, but not at the expense of your relationship, and not just becasue she has decided not to give you a chance.

I hope you realize that this position was not created by you, and that it should be YOUR decision whether you let this continue. Good Luck!

[standing on the sidelines]

just to clarify, he never married the mother they just lived together. She told him she was on birth control and he didnt take extra precautions and three months into their relationship she was pregnant.

[standing on the sidelines]

I do agree that my bf could of handled it better, but you know what they say about hindsight, its always 20/20.

[billiechic]

yeah, no kidding. I think we all know that one VERY well
Well I hope the talk goes well. let us know...

[Berner_Faith]

That is a tough spot to be in...I truly hope that even if the daughter "doesn't agree" you two continue your relationship... of course his kid comes first, but that doesn't mean you two can not have a good relationship...I have seen this happen on more than one occasion...but eventually the children reach a certain age and start making their own decisions and realize how awesome their parents new partner actually is.

I was basically introduced to my bfs children right away, however, the kids and I both knew each other before him and I got together (family friends)...honestly, it was harder for his youngest daughter to adjust then his son... but after 2 years, his daughter very rarely leaves my side when they are here...in fact this weekend we only had D3 and her and I had a blast doing girly things. Dad tells me that when I had to go to work for a few hours, she asked the whole time when I was going to be home and when I did get home she ran right to me, hugged me and said she missed me.

Be patient, with someone coaching her from behind telling her how horrible you are and how her father chooses you over her...but like everything else...eventually the truth will come out.

Best of luck!

[frustratedwithex]

That is a tough spot to be in...I truly hope that even if the daughter "doesn't agree" you two continue your relationship... of course his kid comes first, but that doesn't mean you two can not have a good relationship...I have seen this happen on more than one occasion...but eventually the children reach a certain age and start making their own decisions and realize how awesome their parents new partner actually is.

This will only happen if he talks to his daughter and not wait for his daughter to come to him with questions, she's only 9. If he waits for her to reach a certain age and decide herself I doubt she will choose to see you as awesome if the mother has continued to talk about you the way she is now. And what difference does it make if they were never married? She's still the mother.

Be patient, with someone coaching her from behind telling her how horrible you are and how her father chooses you over her...but like everything else...eventually the truth will come out.

The truth will only come out if he talks to her. It's probably not going to be easy for your bf. His daughter will resist, the mother may persist with her opinion of you, visits will be difficult. Your support will make a difference. Counselling for your bf is important. He can get an unbiased opinion on what to say to his daughter, what to say to the mother, and I'm sure he will be reminded of how awesome you are!!

[standing on the sidelines]

well finally got the text. She was more willing to talk instead of just refusing to talk at all. She wants a bit more time to absorb what her dad told her( that i was going to be there sometimes on their weekends) and I can understand that, this time he wasnt letting her dictate the conversation, she was going to listen. I asked how much time she needs and he didnt have an answer for that yet. He said that she now realizes that it will happen even if she doesnt like it so she is finally understanding that she has no control over her fathers personal love life.

What makes it tough is his work schdule. For two weeks we get a few hours on mon, tues and thursday nights. He has his daughter on the wednesday and the friday is the day we both get our errands done. Then he works overtime on the Sat, (our weekend) so when he works nights he works sat from 12 until 4:30pm. when he works nights I do not see him until our weekend together which is every other weekend. I havent seen him at all since he left here at 8pm last Sunday. That is why this is so important, I am NOT going to interfer in their time together but it would be nice for the three of us to spend some time together and getting to know one another.

My first husband had kids but he never had them for visitation and when he did see them it was under the exs control in her house for 4 hours every other weekend. This is my first time dealing with a partners who has more access with his child. I am not expecting her and I to be fast friends, but I also do not want her to feel like I am the enemy.

[Rioe]

A 9-year old should not be in control of whether or not you and her father stay romantically linked. Just as we say a child should not be looking after a recently separated parent or given any control over how the breakup goes, they should not also be given control over how subsequent relationships develop. Her opinion, especially as it is coloured by her mother, is not something you should be letting affect you. Yes, your relationship will be affected by the daughter's behaviour, but don't let go of a good thing without doing your best to teach the daughter what behaviour is acceptable.

The introduction and integration of the family should be on your terms and his, not hers.