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  • lies by omissions

    Head is spinning as all the prep for court is one world of crazy.

    After multiple attempts to get Parent coordination to settle quickly, and cost effectively... No no and no were the answer.

    So, she is taking us to court! Mind boggling.

    My fiance's ex wants sole custody, visitation limited, and more money for private swim lessons and downhill ski equipment. WTF?

    As it is we are paying over 1,500. per month and going closer to bankrupt by the day.

    We get the girls 3 weekends a month (she only will give us 24hrs during xmas 2 week break) and won't even let us have them on a pd day if it falls on our weekend. We don't get the extra days (friday and Mon) for easter. And 1 week we got over the summer. She says and does what ever she wants. She gave us a list of all weekends a year on advance, regardless of the kids needs and then lies and books things for them on our weekends so the kids are all excited to do something other than come here.

    The parent alienation has gotten so severe. Our 7 year old is a different child: screaming, freaking out, saying she hates it here and "mommy loves me more". She yells you left mommy for me (which is far from the truth as her mom had a year and a half affair with her best friends hubby and I didn't even live in the country til a year later) but you can't say that to a 7 year old. Nor can we say "mommy dearest is now sleeping with her married boss," equaling 2 more kids displaced. The list of people hurt keeps growing. It is so sad to see a sweet little girl falling to pieces. All we can do is love her and reassure her that we understand she is having a hard time". which is hard to do when she is shouting, hitting, or being down right belligerent. Not her fault though is it. Mom has refused to let us take her to a child psychologist. Mom has now unilateral decided to put the 2 girls (6 and 7) into different schools. Divide and conquer works best for brainwashing.

    Now the wonderful would of paperwork affidavits, applications. It is all so overwhelming. Yet, I am managing to get through it all because organization is my strong suit and I have the greater amount of time as my fiancee's work schedule and travel time to get to work and pick up the kids and drive them home (they live an hour away) is heavy. So here I am looking through piles of lies, twisted accusations, and plenty of omissions.

    On her financial statement she claims she has no assets. She lives in a 350,000 house (we live in a 230,000 townhouse) yet she claims ZERO for tv's, ipad phones, expensive golf clubs, mountain bikes, etc that we know she has. Obviously she doesn't live in an empty house. She also doesn't claim life insurance policies which we know she has, makes ludicrous living expenses (like 200 per month for clothes for 2 girls). This woman takes 4 holidays a year but is trying to make out she is struggling. Um, can't recall the last trip I had to the Caribbean as a single mom or since I got together with a man with kids. - oh that's right - never. Yes, that sounds very resentful and it is. It is frustrating and down right aggravating to see someone abuse there power and treat all around them including her own kids like pawns in a game of "me me me".

    It is all gearing up. Resolution will have to come at some point. You hear horror stories of men getting screwed in court. There has to be some protection for Dads and their kids in this crazy system. At some stage judges have to see justice.....

    Don't they?

  • #2
    Ask for an OCL investigation at court.

    They recommended sole custody for me and that was what happened.

    I'd be interested in hearing Mom's explanation to why the kids are in different schools.

    As to the financial stuff, be deliberate about it and plod through it.

    Leave your emotions at the door in all of this.


    • #3
      They recommended sole custody for me and that was what happened.
      Were you trying to get sole custody? On our affidavit we are trying to keep the status quo of joint with a better outline of precisely listed visitation, times, and dates, plus applying for access to a child psychologist. We are tying to be the ones that are reasonable. Everywhere you hear, you won't get custody unless you have a video of her smoking crack while hitting the kids with a rake. Taking custody is near impossible we heard. Our Lawyer hasn't given us much confidence one way or another.

      We are going to be requesting the OCL for sure. This woman is a master manipulator though. We had called CAS because the kids last year were reporting extreme physical discipline - flicking, smacking, spanking etc. and the matter seems to have been dropped without any explanation. At least the physical discipline has stopped. And the new tack is emotional warfare.

      We found out about the schools from their current principal as we were calling to see how they are at school. The explanation she gave us after we questioned her as to why we weren't informed or why she thinks this is a good idea is

      She only registered youngest 6 as a possibility. It is french immersion. and better for her. you can only start french immersion at JK, gr. 1 and gr. 4 apparently. Oldest would have to wait one more year to get into gr. 4.

      With everything else going on though, separating the kids would probably cause the 7 year to lose it all together. She says I will miss my sister at school and I really believe emotionally they can't handle this separation.

      I'm good at doing reading, research, paperwork - as for leaving my emotions at the door - best if I keep my mouth shut unless asked a direct question.



      • #4
        I initially was asking for joint custody but changed that to sole custody near the end of the OCL investigation when it was revealed that my ex and her family were concealing her treatment stays and caring for our kids themselves.

        Not only was that a breach of the court order that provided a right of first refusal to care for the kids if either parent was unavailable (inserted at her insistence), but more importantly, it was a clear statement about her willingness to encourage a relationship with the other parent.

        My ex was not smoking crack and beating the kids with a rake, but there were addictions and mental health issues that definitely contributed to the sole custody recommendation.

        My ex is also a master manipulator. Those who are personality disordered are experts at that. The OCL workers are trained social workers. If you get a good one, that person will root out her bs and figure it our right quick. In my case, they figured it out and recommended continuing psychiatric help. You won't get that at all in the court room. Even if it goes all the way to trial (2% chance) she will be able to perform on the witness stand and get away with it as it will be a relatively short time. You really need an outside assessment.

        From the language you used in your first post ("she will only give us", "she will only let us have them") it seems like the father is being a doormat to her. Why is he not asserting a position of 50/50 shared parenting? Why doesn't he have a parenting schedule that puts the kids with him half the time? If you think fathers have a hard time in family law, then he sure set the table for an uphill climb by not demanding a 50/50 schedule in the first place!!

        He should have been the one running off to court as soon as they separated to counter her refusal to "allow" a 50/50 parenting schedule. Hopefully an established status quo hasn't set in yet. But if you two didn't even know that one of the kids was in a separate school until a principal told you, that doesn't look too promising.


        • #5
          I agree it is an uphill battle.

          When the marriage dissolved bad choices were made in retrospect. No lawyers. A badly drafted separation agreement that states only that there is joint custody and they live in the matrimonial home with her through the week and 1 weekend per month. His intention was to protect them from as much upheaval as possible.

          Verbally, the'd agreed to shared transportation of the kids (he moved back to be near his family 1 hour away so he'd have support) 1 week at xmas, extra time when she needed, time at summer. They are in care over the summer and even though I would care for them and adjust my schedule that would lose her money so nope.

          I'm not going to say naive hope of civil dealings putting the kids first hasn't created this in part. At fist she was more interested in her love affair than causing grief, then that fell apart, then I was on the scene, then she got a new relationship (with child focused married boss that likes to take trips with kids skiing, to niagara, etc) so she wants hers around now and daddy to vanish.

          It is messy and complicated.

          While he was misguided, who thinks its going to turn like this?

          my ex left me and we agreed we were in the business of raising a child so we verbally agreed that he could have access when ever he wanted, pay what he could actually afford, and make sure my son knew he was always loved by everyone. Sure, I could have gotten more out of him but who would that hurt? We have a very workable situation. Even 10 years down the road when I chose to move home - an ocean away. we still make it work. My son knows he has 2 homes, 2 countries, 2 big families that all get along.

          I know on here I am an oddity and most people are stuggling with wishing they could just work with someone that is a tad more reasonable.

          Reason has no place when you realize there is a serious mental issue at play. It's new territory and while everyone needs to take a certain degree of responsibility for the life situations they find themselves in sometimes hindsight is 20/20.

          He should have probably done a lot of things differently. But we are here now. He is a good man, with a kind heart. He loves his kids and wants to protect them. These are all the reasons plus more I love him and stand beside him to right what is wrong here. how do you Show up and say I am taking the kids as they are mine to take and then cause the kids greater suffering by having the police called or something?

          Trying to keep the peace may look doormat like and we are trying all the appropriate measures. He tried negotiating. We asked for mediation many times. We asked for parent coordination and even parenting classes to be taken. No no no.

          So now it is in the hands of the law. If the assessmentt suggested sole custody for us we'd take it in a heart beat.

          I've landed myself in a crazy situation and feel like that women in Simpsons screaming won't somebody think of the children?


          • #6
            oh and they aren't in separate schools yet. Registered to start in sept.


            • #7
              Originally posted by karmaseeker View Post
              His intention was to protect them from as much upheaval as possible.
              Look where that got him, and more importantly, his kids, especially the 7 year old.

              Originally posted by karmaseeker View Post
              (he moved back to be near his family 1 hour away so he'd have support.
              Huge mistake. You don't move away from your kids.

              He wouldn't be the first one to make that fatal error.

              Run, don't walk, to court.


              • #8
                If he wants to be a parent to his kids, he should not live one hour away. That speaks volume about his commitment.


                • #9
                  I agree with you. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

                  mid April - 1st court date.

                  Thanks for having someone to talk to dadtotheend. It is very difficult for the fiery momma bear type like me to keep it together sometimes. I reaaly appreciate your comments and the support.

                  Thank you.


                  • #10
                    While I see your point billm... I also know that 1 hour while being one step more complicated isn't the sole factor in being a good parent. His entire family is here as is his church which is a huge part of his and his kids life. People may have to travel an hour to work so not really that terribly removed. He still works near his kids (although being union could be moved anywhere in ontario) and has taken them for dinner or minded them during the week if it was needed.

                    Isn't family and community a valid factor in your perspective in choosing to rebuild a life?

                    I stayed in a foreign country by myself for 10 years to give my son access to his fathers family. Having no support network is terrible. Now I live a 7 hour flight away. It still works. My son goes there in the summers. and His dad is coming for march break. I bought a computer for him to skype and he has a cell phone with international texting. I promote a great relationship with his family and have hosted other family members on his dad side to come here on holiday on more than one occasion.

                    1 hour drive shouldn't be that big a deal if you don't make it one. Where as friends family and loving community make a huge difference to ones well being. IMO


                    • #11
                      The kids don't want to be an hour away from their friends, playgrounds, sports, recreation, school, church etc. The idea would be to have both parents living within easy reach of the same neighbourhood so that the kids are "home" at either house.

                      Moving away from the neighbourhood means when your children are with you they are visiting, not at home.

                      It's not the end of the world, but it is a decision that takes you away from your kids and makes the situation more difficult for everyone involved.

                      It's fine to say that many *but by no means all* adults live an hour away from work. Children don't typically live an hour away from their friends' houses and have to drive or take a train to play ball or read comic books together. You are also going to run into issues spending an hour taking them to school in the morning and then another hour going to work?

                      This choice basically sets up the situation where one parent is primary, one home is principle residence, and the other parent has "visits". This is fertile ground for alienation.

                      Is it better to live near family and church and away from your children, or close to your children and drive an hour to church once a week? It is each person's choice, and we all have to set our priorities and tend to our needs, but the reality is that this choice has possibly led to the current negatives you are facing and certainly it has exacerbated them.


                      • #12
                        I agree. No matter how you slice it, living an hour away effectively removes school overnights from him.

                        And as to being near his family, his closest family are his kids. No two ways about it.

                        I don't mean to be harsh, but as Mess says, he's basically given up on primary residence.


                        • #13
                          Thank you all for your posts. I value the feedback and you have very valid points. These choices were not mine to make I wasn't on scene when they were made. I do however see both sides to the point and understand why he choose what he choose. He was in a terrible place at the end of the marriage and made the best choice he could make at the time. May not have been your choice but everyone is different.

                          Perhaps in the courts eyes it was the wrong decision that has led to such an inequality in access time. However, that doesn't justify alienation, manipulation, or discounting his ability to be a good father.

                          The children have family in both towns, they have friends in both locations too. the have access to activities, and are loved. I highly doubt most people when the separate move within 2 min of each other so the kids play at the same park, but I could be wrong as I have no statistics on the subject.

                          I have no doubt that the living situation has exacerbating the problem but we are here and she is there. It is what it is. So are you saying that means that a visitation schedule that is reasonable and fair can't be reached? We have proposed many parenting plans that doesn't upset the childrens routine and everyone has been rejected. We know we won't get primary residence, we know we won't get sole custody, we know we won't get 50/50 access but we are asking for an assessment, we are asking for a parenting plan than stops the banter the spells it out in black and white times, weekends, and holidays. We want to be able to take the kids to a child psychologist cause they are being hurt (and not by the location of the houses but by the cruel brain washing that is going on). We are trying with the best we know, and the best we have.


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by karmaseeker View Post
                            ...discounting his ability to be a good father.

                            ...I highly doubt most people when the separate move within 2 min of each other so the kids play at the same park ....
                            A good father? He lives an HOUR away - he's just a visitor. And making the kids drive 2 hours to visit his town on a regular basis (ie weekly), is not in their best interests - it separates their daily life and friends and activities from where they really live with mom - and he can't really be part of that because he is so far away.

                            I'm in the house the kids were born in, my ex bought a house 1 km away. Neither of us will move until the kids are adults. Simple.

                            Your thread is about his ex, but for me this issue out weighs anything you have mentioned. He simply can't be a parent and live that far away in my opinion. If he wants to be a parent, he needs to move as close as possible to his kids, to be part of their life, not force them to live his - it will only be harder when the kids get older and do more activities locally.

                            As a side note - if I hear the skype/computer as a solution for long distance parenting one more time, I'm going to really lose it!!



                            • #15
                              I have said now a few times that the living situation is not ideal and have agreed that it has exacerbated the issues.

                              Billm, I am happy for you that you got the house, that you have the kids 50/50, and that your ex moved within 1 km of you. Sounds like a great set up.

                              Not all of us are perfect people and people on these sights are here for support and help are they not?

                              To say that a living situation outweighs fraud, adultery, alienation, over discipline, lies, and emotional abuse is a tad harsh IMHO.

                              Also, Skype is a resourse no different from a telephone or mail to promote communication. But I'm sure by your opinion, you would have felt I should have stayed in Europe until my child was grown. My ex (we never married) left me 2 weeks before I gave birth. I stayed 10 years in his country 3 min walk from his house - so that my son would have a father. I was adopted and I wanted my son to know he was loved. After 10 years alone away from any support I choose to come home. My son is happy well adjusted and knows he is loved. His father and wife are welcome in my home any time and I will make any concessions I can to keep communication and relationships thriving. But according to you, I suppose I am a bad parent.

                              I do not understand your stance. It seems quite critical.

                              I came to these forums because I am struggling as a step mom with in part raising 2 girls that are so emotionally all over the map, because I am trying to do the best I can by them and by their father whom I love. I am trying to be supportive and find answers to problems. So, aside from up root my son again, and alter the pre-existing pattern, as well as financially ruin my partner - who can't afford to move as. Do you have any suggestions for any of the other numerous problems we are facing?

                              Or is your intention to just point out our failings?


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