Shared Custody Hero...

[epinecone]

The Woman I am currently dating is my hero!

She is a mother of three, was a house mom for 11 years, and seperated from her childrens father last year. The boys are 10, 7, and 5..

She is the kindest, most caring woman I have ever been in a relationship with.

When they seperated, she went to Equal Shared Parenting Joint Custody right away. They split their assets 50/50. She refused Child Support, and she abosolutely refused spousal support. They did this all without lawyers.

Instead of joining the bitter former spouses foundation, she went out and started cleaning houses, and offices, and apartment buildings. She supports herself and her kids during her 50% of the time.

Oh and by the way... her and the kids dad get along like cats and dogs.. they hate each other.

But she says she never questioned the fact that he was as important to the kids as she was.... All this for a guy who according to her never changed a diaper in 11 years through three kids.

Tommorrow, when my hero is cleaning a doctors clinic and a building full of rental apartments...my former spouse will be enjoying the hard earned fruits of her efforts in court..I'll guess out on a shopping spree (somehow she needs exactly three times the income of my hero to live for a month).

I'm going to pinch myself..ouch...but I have finally met someone who has restored my faith in the fairer sex.

[HappyMomma]

Epicone,

I've read a few of your posts and bit my tongue so far.

I realize you are in a difficult situation. When I read your story it makes me cringe. I'm happy to see your gf has 'restored your faith in the fairer sex' but you need to realize that your ex does not represent woman-kind. I am a woman. I have 50/50 custody of my two daughters. Like your gf, it was never a question. Like your gf, my ex and I do not get along. At ALL. I also PAY SUPPORT. I've already had to declare bankruptcy as a result. My budget has 0 wiggle room. Everything in my budget is a necessity - there is no way to cut my expenses anymore. I drive a car that is about to break down but have no way to fix it. I live in a house that needs a new roof and a new furnace and I pray we can make it through one more year before I am forced to replace them because THERE IS NO MONEY.

Does it irk me that I am in this situation? Absolutely. Do I blame the 'less-fair' sex. No. Absolutely not. There are good men and bad men. Great woman and bitches. Please don't lump us all in the same group.

I really hope this situation changes for you. But if it doesn't I hope you can learn to move on. Hopefully this gf will help you do so. Good luck to you.

[billiechic]

I am so glad to hear that you have a woman in your life that is so fair.

But yes, there are many of us out there. My ex and I share 50/50 time with our daughter and even though I am fighting for legal custody, it is only because of the abuse and control he continues to dish out. I am fully willing and supportive of him being an equal parent, IF he would just choose to do that rather than punish me.

It doesn't take much to realize what is best for our kids. IF we can get past the hurt and bitterness.

[epinecone]

Generalizations...

Hi CSAngel,

Your right, it is unfair to generalize. It is only that I have never personally known a woman who pays support. In my groups of friends in Toronto, Calgary, and no rural Alberta.. all of the men have had the same experience..
I can definitely sympathise with your financial situation, as I am quickly headed in the direction of losing my house and the piece of the family farm it sits on.

Moving on in a relationship is not a problem.. But If you mean moving on in the context of accepting injustice, I shall not. When the childrens mother accepts some responsibility for supporting herself, and works to support the kids during her time with them, then I can move on.

Thankyou for the comments.

[billiechic]

psstt...I pay too!

[epinecone]

That makes two...

Sorry Billiechic,

That makes two women that I know of that are paying support. You and CSAngel..

I was just reading another post and it reminded me of why I have been biased. The same dramatic story about why someone could'nt work.. I know that not all payors are men, It's just hard not to think of women as the recpients and men as the payors.

I will try though..

[dadtotheend]

My ex pays me CS (here and there).

[epinecone]

D2te..

Just for my own fun, and because I am such a progressive personality, this is the same set of questions for all CS recipients:
Do you need to take it?
Is it because you feel power over the other parent?
Do you use the excuse that you take it because it's the law?
Do you honestly believe that your involvement in their lives is worth denying them the opportunity to livea higher standard of living in one home with the better provider?


As I mentioned in an earlier post, all of the payors I have known personally are men. And in all but two of the divorces 50/50 custody was not a battle that was won. In every siutuation except my current GF, the recipient has imposed themselves as the superior parent in order to justify the theft of (oh sorry equalization) monies from the other parent.

A couple I know very well is currenly seperated. I know the husband and the wife very well. I talk both of them on a regular basis, and I am shocked and disgusted once again now that the lawyers are involved. Mommy wont let daddy have the kids 50%, even though they were fairly equal parents of their two boys... She has actually told me that she cannot let him have them50% of the time because she needs the extra money..And her lawyer told her the CS would be reduced if she agreed to 50/50 custody. Even though the boys are both in school, she cannot imagine giving up the part time job she loves just because their marriage broke up..Going to the gym, coffee with the girls, are things that are hard to do when you work full time.

Because I know her well, and we are friends, I have not been too hard on her. But seriously Are U F###### kidding me!.. She does not consider for one second that it is her responsibility to go out and earn enough of a living to support herself and the kids. I recongnize the justifications she has now, because they are the same ones my former spouse has after enough time with a lawyer.

If she packed up her bags, went and got an apartment and a job, the kids would be ahead a couple of grand a month.. Opportunity .. Instead, when the lawyers are done with these two parents and two kids, I would be supprised if their is anything left.

Read the document at the attached link, disprove what it has to say about CS, and then slag me all you want. http://www.fact.on.ca/fin_supp/whatwerethey.pdf

Note: Based on your Political Orientation, if you are an Ontario Liberal you probably think it is just fine to steal money from one human being and give it to another in the spirit of socialism...

[tugofwar]

I find your post to be just useless! You are just ranting on about money.
You are basing your opinions on mutual friends splitting up and heaven forbid the wife wants to have alittle life of her own. Heck, for all we know her lifestyle was ok when they were together and now all of a sudden it`s not?
What about ex`s just wanting an increase in time not cause they want to actually spend more time with the children, but just for a reduction in support?
Both parents ARE financially responsible for their children, married, unmarried, separated or divorced period.

[billm]

... Heck, for all we know her lifestyle was ok when they were together and now all of a sudden it`s not?...

Hell YES!!!!

[#1StepMom]

Both parents ARE financially responsible for their children, married, unmarried, separated or divorced period.

Exactly. That is the purpose of child support... especially in situations that are not 50/50. Ideally, all parents would have shared custody, but that is not always feasible. If it is possible... then that's how it should be. Unfortunately, there are some "bad apples" out there who view their child(ren) as pawns and a means to get money. These "bad apples" can be male or female... though - from my experience with family court - most are mothers who were granted by the court (or by themselves) sole or primary custody.

When my stepson was born, my husband and his son's mother shared custody. My stepson was in mine and my husband's care about 40% of the time, because his mother wanted to return to school. Because both my husband and I worked (part-time) while my stepson's mother did not, we helped her out by providing some milk and clothing for the child, as well as $100/month and 50% of daycare. We were also doing all the transportation, even when my stepson was in his mother's care (because she did not have a driver's license). This was the arrangement until the child was 2 years old, when suddenly, the mother began demanding more, and more, and more money. Then one day, when we showed up to pick the child up from daycare at the start of our week (we were close to 50% custody at this time), we found out that his mother had already picked him up. We drove to her family's home to find out what happened, only to have her refuse my husband his access and serve him with court documents for sole custody. She continued to refuse him access until the court date several months later. Her reason: she "learned" that in most situations, the mothers had custody and received child support, so she felt that since she was the mother, she deemed herself the primary caregiver, and felt she deserved to be paid the full amount of child support, seeing as she had "learned" that the child was too young at 2 years of age to be away from her more than 30% of the time. (She even had a doctor's note supporting this... from a doctor who had not once spoken with my husband, the child's father!) By the time we got to court, the limited access she allowed had become status quo, and regardless of the shared custody arrangement that was in place for the first 2 years of the child's life, the judge granted her primary residence with my husband having access every-other-weekend, and ordered him to pay full child support. She got what she wanted. Money. (Meanwhile, the extra 25% of time the child was in her care, he spent in daycare or being pawned off on relatives.) Now, while we pay to maintain a room and necessities for my stepson in our home, pay for his daycare, his extra-curricular activities, while also paying child support and (as was often the case in the past until a judge put an end to it a few months ago) fighting against her demands to pay her off if we want an extra day or if we want her to sign a travel consent... we get to learn about all the trips she is taking overseas, the new car she just purchased, etc., all on less than $40,000 salary. Go figure! Miraculously, our last judge took the time to review our case carefully (and read over all her demands) and called her out on using her child as a means to get money. The look on her face when she was told she was wrong and told to stop her monetary games was priceless! Since then, things have been great! (Sorry, got a litle off topic there!)

[Epona]

Do you need to take it? Yes -- it is to help support the children we brought into the world together.
Is it because you feel power over the other parent? No
Do you use the excuse that you take it because it's the law? No
Do you honestly believe that your involvement in their lives is worth denying them the opportunity to live a higher standard of living in one home with the better provider? Define "better" provider. My ex does not want to be bothered with dealing with our children on a daily basis. For sure, he earns more than I, but that doesn't mean the children would have a better home with him. The boys like to visit him and do things with him and even go on week-long adventures with him, but that doesn't make him a better provider. He doesn't want to be "bothered" by them when they are sick, or help them with homework etc. Heck, when our eldest was under a year old, the father wanted to send him away to boarding school (when he'd be old enough!). I'm not sure what your question is.

[Epona]

"She refused Child Support" Unless she and her former spouse are earning the same, she's a very foolish mother -- even if she doesn't want it, she should accept it and put it in a fund for the children. Who looks after the 10, 7 and 5 year old boys while she's out working?

[epinecone]

Wow..

Wow, you have got to be kidding me..She should accept it and put it in a fund for the children???? How about she just earns money that she uses to pay for her responsibilities. It does'nt matter what the boys dad earns, it matters that they both take responsbility for themselves and their kids.

The boys are all in school during the week, when they are not in school on her time, she is either watching them of if she must work she gets a babysitter. In the summer the boys spend time with their grandparents or a babysitter while she is working. As she is cleaning houses, she can make her own schedule to fit with the kids lives. Its unpleasent work, but it allows her to support herself, her kids when they are on her time.

She holds the belief that providing for herself is her responsibility, and that people who take child support in Equal Custody are stealing from their kids to compensate for their own unwillingness to fully take responsbility for their lives.

She is the only potential support recepient I know who can truly say that she is actually doing all she can to support her kids. Stealing money from another adult because you don't earn enough to support yourself and your kids is just shamefull. If you are unwilling or incapable of providing a home for your kids through your own efforts, then the kids should be with the parent who can support them.

She is still supporting her kids herself on her time. She is still my hero, for many reasons other than this.

Her and the childrens father have moved two a 2 week on 2week off schedule, where both of them work as much as they can when they don't have their kids.. The boys are awesome well adjusted kids, and they have two parents who work their butt off to ensure they will have a good life.

Her self reliance gives her confindence, and allows both of the kids parents a change to provide everything they can to their kids without living with the constant anguish of supporting their own personal welfare case.

I envy those kids who actually will have a deserving female role model in their lives. Unlike my children, who will see that their mother has supported herself on CS and SS while working less than the average high school student.

[dadtotheend]

Wow, you have got to be kidding me..She should accept it and put it in a fund for the children???? How about she just earns money that she uses to pay for her responsibilities....Stealing money from another adult because you don't earn enough to support yourself and your kids is just shamefull.

Separated parents are certainly free to make their own financial arrangements to support their children absent any consideration of the tabled CS guidelines. Indeed the court encourages that level of maturity. That's great that your GF and her ex did that.

But people who do depend on CS are not "stealing money from another adult". You are projecting your bitter experience onto the rest of the population. It's not a good look for you.

Instead of joining the bitter former spouses foundation, she went out and started cleaning houses, and offices, and apartment buildings.

Are you the President of the foundation? Maybe you should bring your ex to the next meeting.