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  • Being Taken Advantage of by ex-wife

    At least I feel like I am being taken advantage of by my ex-wife and her lawyer. We were married for 16 years, we have 2 kids (age 8 and 10 now). We separated June of 2007 and I moved out Aug 2007. We were divorced in Feb 2009. We still have no divorce agreement in place however. I have been paying her 65% of my income since day 1 of me leaving the matrimonial home. She worked every weekend while we were married and for the first 10 months of our separation that is until I wanted in writing the arrangement for parenting time which was every weekend and one overnight a week. She refused to put our arrangement in writing and since then I have our kids for 2 overnights one weekend and one overnight the following weekend and one overnight during the week. and she now claims that she is unable to work the hours she used to because of the parenting schedule.

    All of the money I am giving her each month since the separation is considered child support since I did not have a clue when we separated and did not have a lawyer to get a clue when I signed on the dotted line to have the support only counted as child and not spouse, I am having a hell of a time splitting the payments up as spousal support and child support. I am also saddled with all the joint debts we accumulated during the marriage and since I am the one paying on these debts she feels that should not change either.

    She refuses to come to the table unless I agree to keep all as status quo which is great for her but I am getting the raw end of this deal.

    My question is: What can I do to get a divorce agreement in place that is fair to both of us, I have not and would not refuse to pay child and spousal support nor would I disagree with taking on my portion of the joint debts yet there does not seem to be anything in place that will make her come to the table to hatch out an agreement. What do I do?

  • #2
    You say you don't have a divorce agreement. It's unclear to me how you could have a divorce without an agreement that deals with property division, child support and spousal support. Judges don't endorse divorce orders without these particulars addressed, especially when children needs have to be met.

    You could use the only leverage you have at this point and give her fair warning (a couple of registered letters that could be used as evidence if need be later on) that until she comes to a reasonable settlement on property division (including the joint debt), CS and SS, that you will be suspending the support payments.

    As you know, when she is getting the good deal that she is getting, why would she be motivated to address the issues to say nothing of the status quo she continues to develop that has you paying her support for the rest of her life. See how motivated she becomes after a missed payment or two. You will obviously have to be careful that the kids don't get drawn into the discussions and used as pawns.

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    • #3
      I would determine what amount you should be paying in child support and continue paying that amount only. That way should you end up in court, it does not appear as though you do not care for your children.

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      • #4
        I agree, until this can be reviewed by the courts, I'd pay CS relative to your actual income.
        Once this is in court you can demonstrate that you maintained your primary obligation of CS and ask that the courts determine if SS is to stop, continue, adjust or some combination.
        Once she notices that the payments have decreased you can bet she'll push it back to court and you can seek to have equalization established if it hadn't been before with respect to debts and assets.

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        • #5
          I agree with fair4all and FL. Do NOT suspend any payments especially if FRO or the likes are involved. It sounds more like you have a separation agreement of sorts in place. Have you been thru the run of settlement conferences yet? Try to get some answers from a lawyer or such to get a more accurate amount of supports with regard to the table amounts. As for the debts and the home you both can agree to renegotiate loans etc where each of you takes on half. as for a house if she is staying there with the kids she would then have to buy you out for half. The banks take the position on that where they will not touch any of it until they have a court order say either a specific amount or 50%. Most lawyers will give you a free intitial consult. It is well worth the time and will give you a better idea of where you stand. Both partners in this have rights so try not to let her snowball you.

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          • #6
            I filed the paperwork for a quick divorce and she did not contest it. So it was endorsed by the court. The only fair thing she has done.

            I agree that she really has no reason to want things to change which is why she is dragging her feet along with her lawyer's help. I have sent letters stating that I would only pay CS based on the table amount and I receive a letter telling me that such threats will be her first affidavit in court against me.

            We went to mediation and she refused to sign the agreement once we hatched one out, so that was a waste of time and money. We have gone to co-parenting counselling but when the counsellor, in her words " made her feel like she was being picked on" she refused to go to anymore sessions. She got a lawyer shortly after and she will only go through him and that is mostly to vent about what she feels I am doing wrong and that she is being treated unfairly.

            I have sent them a very thorough agreement to address all the outstanding issues but all I hear back is negative feedback and no actual detalis about what she wants. I have been trying to get a 4 way meeting between us and our lawyers (I finally had to get one) but no luck yet. I don't feel that she wants to negotiate anything. But I have no experience with the court system either so it is hard to know what to do if she continues stalling.

            I don't want to come across in court as a bad person because I chose to only pay CS and wait for a judgement on SS and thats what I am getting told by her lawyer.

            Is there anyone who can relate to my experience and offer some sound advice.

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            • #7
              NO FRO or the likes are not involved. What we have in place is the visitation schedule she decided on when we separated, I looked up the numbers for support and give her that amount bi-weekly. No we have not been thru the run of settlement conferences yet. The numbers I have now for support came from my lawyer but my ex won't hear tell of changing anything.

              We have sold the house back in 2008 and split the money. The joint debts are left since she feels no obligation to split them 50/50, the pension is left and the rrsp, all left in limbo because she will not negotiate. All I get is that she is not ready to settle.

              For me, I am just growing more and more frustrated with the dragging of feet.

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              • #8
                I am sympathetic to what you are going thru as I have been dealing with an unreasonable ex myself. Separated in 2004 and most everything is still up in the air. He feels he is entitled to everything and has it all wrapped up in an appeal. I applaude you though for trying to settle as much as you can out of court. She can drag all she wants but the law still says 50/50 to most everything. A judge will see this and she will only stand to lose. True that courts and lawyers can be costly but in the end no matter how much a big deal they want to make out of it it all comes out relatively the same. debts and all she could be ordered to pay you back if your lawyer pushes on those points. So maybe going the court route may be an alternative to just putting an end to this once and for all. Your nsaving grace is as I said you have attempted to settle as much as you could with her.

                Comment

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