New to Seperation.

[350 Mag]

Man talk about an anxiety inducing experience.

My wife (23 years) Girlfriend (6 years) 29 years together has decided to move out.

We have a 19 year old living at home and 16 year old in grade 11.

The kids are remaining in house with me.

The wife and I are getting along o.k had a few "blame game" sessions about the past.

I still love her, I consider her my best friend.and she is amazing, but she said she doesn't love me in a way that a wife should feel for her husband.

We are going to take a "snapshot" of our finances before she moves out and agree on value of assets/debts and split 50/50.

We used an online calculator for Canadian divorce lawyer.

I make 80,000 more than her.

The calculator for spousal support came out to $2058/month minus 500 for Child Support.

I think that 1508 is a fair amount but seems to be on "lighter" side compared to what a Judge/Court would allow.


We agreed to sit down a couple months into seperation to access our monthly expenses and income and agree we could modify the S.S payments if needed.

We may at that time consult lawyers or possibly mediation.

I know many will say get a signed agreement but I am sure we can trust each other.....


She is the mother of my children and my best friend and I hope to be able to have a "family" meal or camping/kayaking trip spent with our kids so our family can still be a "family".

I have told her I would do anything for her to consider a possible reconciliation BUT I am NOT begging.

So far I probably have about 1% chance of her returning.

The ONLY really argument we had over Seperation is that I suggested, so that no one gets hurt feelings, and might jeapordize an amicable split that we refrain from having a sexual relationship with anyone else.

She was upset by that suggestion.

She said I was NOT going to control her anymore.

I don't think she is planning anything nor is there an ongoing affair or anything.

I told her my words came out wrong....but she was still a little upset.

She has pretty much checked out of the marriage 8-10 years ago but stayed out of guilt , for the kids, for her family.

The only thing I can do is focus on my kids, who are handling it all surprisingly well, but they are so consumed with computers and gaming they probably don't even notice....lol.

I guess because we are both being pretty good about it....but I am on a roller coaster of fear, anxiety and stress.

Seems to come in waves....

Exercise helps, I am getting a decent amount of sleep but whenever I wake I spend hours lying in bed with my mind racing with thoughts on the future or mistakes I made in the past that hurt my wife.

We were truly madly deeply in love for 10 years....but after the kids came out sex life suffered and I believe that's when I started to get a little angry with life.

I had a couple of episodes that caused my wife to see me as weak and that's when she started to slowly withdraw over time.

To the point now where she is completely emotionally disconnected from me....she cares and has compassion BUT doesn't like me or love me anymore.

Any tips or pointers besides keep busy, exercise, don't fight or pressure her, rely on family, friends or hobbies to occupy my mind.

Thanks.

[rockscan]

Get a referral to a therapist or look into your local family service for treatment.

Your wife doesn’t want to be your wife anymore and that happens. It is terrible and hurts but you have to move forward. Therapy will help.


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[Stillbreathing]

Totally agree with Rockscan. Get a therapist. The emotional pain is only going to get worse as you move forward and transition into your new life. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and will need to surround yourself with family and friends who still love and care for you. I’m sorry you are going through this.

[350 Mag]

Yes thank you guys.

My wife is not feeling great about it either and she knows how much it hurts.

I just feel cheated and lied too.

It's almost like she "never really loved me"....but stayed for her kids and because that's what's expected.

What I cannot figure out is WHY people get married for 2nd, 3rd time etc.

1x was more than enough for me....

I learned a valuable lesson.

After 2-3 years the brain patterns change, the "passion" fades.....and if you different people your stuck with someone you don't like!

Marriage is a trap I wish I never stepped into....but it is nice to have kids.

So I will just focus on them and not worry about my broken heart!

[rockscan]

Yes thank you guys.

My wife is not feeling great about it either and she knows how much it hurts.

I just feel cheated and lied too.

It's almost like she "never really loved me"....but stayed for her kids and because that's what's expected.

What I cannot figure out is WHY people get married for 2nd, 3rd time etc.

1x was more than enough for me....

I learned a valuable lesson.

After 2-3 years the brain patterns change, the "passion" fades.....and if you different people your stuck with someone you don't like!

Marriage is a trap I wish I never stepped into....but it is nice to have kids.

So I will just focus on them and not worry about my broken heart!

Never regret things within your life or decisions you make. You both had good intentions and then grew apart. It happens with family and friends too. You are not alone and you will survive this.

My husband felt the same way after his divorce. His ex was emotionally abusive and he was tied up in knots for years. After eight years together there is only knot remaining but it is one we can live with. His ex gave him children and taught him valuable lessons about his worth. We were both damaged when we met and have built a life we love together. Your wife gave you children and a family for the length she did. Who knows what will happen to you both as you go forward. Grieve the loss of your marriage but take comfort in your kids and the connections you made in the life you built. Friends you have from that time together.

You will survive this and when you come out on the other side this pain and anger will be replaced with strength and resilience.


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[350 Mag]

Eventually I will stop looking backwards.....We are NOT going that way so no point!

I will focus on my kids, and dog.

Might actually get another dog.....

Because they are the best therapist a person can ask for.


They love you unconditionally....

My heart will take some time to heal.

The next major hurdle will be when she finds someone else....

That one is gonna hurt!

[rockscan]

Get a therapist not another dog. Dogs can’t talk you through shit.


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[Janus]

The ONLY really argument we had over Seperation is that I suggested, so that no one gets hurt feelings, and might jeapordize an amicable split that we refrain from having a sexual relationship with anyone else.

She was upset by that suggestion.

An amicable SPLIT means that you are still amicable even after you have split. A key part of the splitting is that you do not have sex with each other, but have sex with other people

If you are avoiding having sexual relationships with other people, then you are not split.

Of course she was upset.

So far I probably have about 1% chance of her returning.

Probably less than that.

I know many will say get a signed agreement but I am sure we can trust each other.....

You have even told us how this is all going to fall apart.

Step 1: She will get a boyfriend
Step 2: You will get jealous
Step 3: You will make some snarky jealousy comments
Step 4: She will get upset
Step 5: You will really wish that you had that signed agreement

[350 Mag]

An amicable SPLIT means that you are still amicable even after you have split. A key part of the splitting is that you do not have sex with each other, but have sex with other people

If you are avoiding having sexual relationships with other people, then you are not split.

Of course she was upset.



Probably less than that.



You have even told us how this is all going to fall apart.

Step 1: She will get a boyfriend
Step 2: You will get jealous
Step 3: You will make some snarky jealousy comments
Step 4: She will get upset
Step 5: You will really wish that you had that signed agreement

I don't think it's unreasonable to wait to have sex...?

If she starts doing that....

Well she is out of the house our primary asset and 2 months before she left we opened a l.o.c against the equity (it was paid off).

She cannot touch my pension because here's is worth 3x mine.

I am being left with the 2 dependant kids....and she's leaving.

I think it is her that should be seeking a signed agreement before she leaves the kids, me and the matrimonial home?

[Tayken]

I don't think it's unreasonable to wait to have sex...?

If she starts doing that....

Well she is out of the house our primary asset and 2 months before she left we opened a l.o.c against the equity (it was paid off).

She cannot touch my pension because here's is worth 3x mine.

I am being left with the 2 dependant kids....and she's leaving.

I think it is her that should be seeking a signed agreement before she leaves the kids, me and the matrimonial home?

Retain a lawyer. The pension stuff is complex. You have to look at the life-time support concerns. You really need a good lawyer who understands the breakdown of long-term marriages.

Support needs to balance across the length of everything. That includes the other party's 3x larger pension.

[rockscan]

I don't think it's unreasonable to wait to have sex...?

If she starts doing that....

It is unreasonable and you shouldnt have said anything like that. You don’t get to tell her what to do or even “suggest” things. Her life is hers now and what she does is none of your business. You need to speak to someone to help you work through your grief. Your marriage died. Treat it as such and you will move forward in a healthy headspace.

I think it is her that should be seeking a signed agreement before she leaves the kids, me and the matrimonial home?

You should get a lawyer and start working through the process. As long as this hangs over your head you will not be able to move forward and heal. Not to mention that she is responsible for supporting the kids.

Right now you are letting your heart do the thinking and that needs to stop. You need to start using your head.


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[StillPaying]

Not to mention that she is responsible for supporting the kids.

She is paying cs.

What were the incomes throughout marriage. Seems like she's min wage and he's 100k+, but then how is her pension 3x more?

Depending on how spousal plays out, he's in a good spot now. Has the house, kids, cs, and pays lower ss...

[rockscan]

She is paying cs.

What were the incomes throughout marriage. Seems like she's min wage and he's 100k+, but then how is her pension 3x more?

Depending on how spousal plays out, he's in a good spot now. Has the house, kids, cs, and pays lower ss...

Not sure where you are getting that info from. He said that he had calculated it and they were working on the split. Also that he makes 80 grand more than her. She could be making 100g with an organization that has a good pension. 30 year relationship with her in a job for that time would result in a higher pension especially if she works public sector and he works private.


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[StillPaying]

Not sure where you are getting that info from. He said that he had calculated it and they were working on the split. Also that he makes 80 grand more than her. She could be making 100g with an organization that has a good pension. 30 year relationship with her in a job for that time would result in a higher pension especially if she works public sector and he works private.


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From the first post...

The calculator for spousal support came out to $2058/month minus 500 for Child Support.

I think that 1508 is a fair amount but seems to be on "lighter" side compared to what a Judge/Court would allow.


We agreed to sit down a couple months into seperation to access our monthly expenses and income and agree we could modify the S.S payments if needed.

$500 for 2 kids suggests an income around 30k.
$2058 ss suggests an income around 110k.

I'm assuming these incomes are fairly new and not a representation of the 30 years.

[rockscan]

It sounds like shared custody which means the $500 would be his offset amount.


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