The Real Truth

[arabian]

People change during a marriage. Children come along as well as financial responsibility, mortgages, death in family. Life in general.

If I had listened to my parents I wouldn't have marred the guy I did. I was 23 and thought I knew everything. Probably a familiar theme with many.

Bitterness over a past failed relationship/marriage is futile. I strive to remember the good times and then the next time my ex tries to shit in my cornflakes I simply shrug it off and remind myself that I am free and that he was a pretty decent guy at one time.

[Learner]

Do people areally change or is it just a failure to capture / choose to ignore it during the early romance because of luv?

The current generation now think they know it all compared to their parents, what a shock they are going to get later on

1. A bit of both in most cases
2. Every generation thinks that they know more than the one before.

[DowntroddenDad]

I had a relationship last year, where we both worked hard before things went too far, to try and flush out any issues in advance.

We talked about money, long term dreams and plans, retirement, travel, our kids, all kinds of things. All of this before we got too involved, or even said I love you.

We did all that, and the relationship progressed. I met her kids, she met mine. She met my extended family I met hers.

But in the end we still found things that caused it not to work. We did try, but it just didn't happen.

You can plan ahead, discuss everything, it is worthwhile. But you can't plan for everything.

[DowntroddenDad]

Bitterness over a past failed relationship/marriage is futile. I strive to remember the good times and then the next time my ex tries to shit in my cornflakes I simply shrug it off and remind myself that I am free and that he was a pretty decent guy at one time.

I'd say its more than futile, it can also be fatal for future relationships.

[hadenough]

Definitely a weapon of mass destruction (bitterness).

My fear (well, lol I have a few) is that more often than not, people misrepresent themselves. I mean, who isn't "nice" when you first meet them??

It takes a long time to really get to know someone. I agree with what Pursuinghappiness often says re: partners.... words to the effect that "when it's right, you'll know it."

[Rioe]

It takes a long time to really get to know someone. I agree with what Pursuinghappiness often says re: partners.... words to the effect that "when it's right, you'll know it."

I guess maybe I'm still in the bitter stage, because I can't read that without cynically thinking to myself "and even then you could still be wrong."

A man's going to have to shovel my driveway a lot of times to prove himself.

[hadenough]

Lol Rioe: I totally get what you're saying.

There's a simple way to not ever be fooled again but it's also extreme. Stay single. I've had a few guy friends over the years. Good looking, smart and very fit men. A firefighter, a lawyer etc. They were/are deathly afraid of committment based on some very bad past experiences. I had heard the stories. They'd have to change their number - one guy even stayed at a buddies place for awhile b/c his ex would not leave him alone. His ex was a police officer!

At the time, I thought "how can they have such a huge distrust/fear, not everyone is like their ex?" I did not comprehend the depths of distrust they had reached.

Here it is a few years later and I understand too well how it came to be, that they built a wall of titanium around themselves. Yup, I get it - because without realizing it, I built my very own carefully constructed "wall."

[shellshocked22]

Totally agree with earlier posters....

Most of us had no idea of the horrible financial "contract" the government essentially forced us into (unknowingly) when we married. Most would assume "common sense" and "fairness" would rule IF we got divorced which of course everyone thinks won't happen to them. Of course, Family Law and "fairness/common sense" are mutually exclusive.

Anyone who earns decent money is a fool to ever get married again now that they know that the Family Law act is hell bent on financially destroying the higher income earner as the lawyers gleefully giggle counting the money ripped from hard working families.

Not to be melodramatic, but it really is sad that I'll never be able to fully trust another potential partner won't have me living in poverty for the "crime" of being foolish enough to marry/live with a girl. The climate in my opinion will get WORSE and MORE unfair before it (if ever) gets better for the higher income earner. There is simply to much money in it for the govt and lawyers to ever change the system to come close to being fair.

I keep hoping someone will have the balls and money to challenge FAmily Law regime as violating Charter Rights but I don't hold out a lot of hope. Maybe the govt should "intrude" upon married couples and dictate how much they spend on kids, when they retire, what profession they hold, how many hours they must work, how much they spend on spouse, how often they are "allowed" to see their kids, etc. I suspect there would be a huge protest then.

I used to think Canada was a fair place to live, guess the rose coloured glasses are off now lol.......

[hadenough]

Well I sure got my rose coloured glasses ripped off my face. Ripped off.. Doesn't begin to describe what I've been through. And I was not/am not the "higher income earner." I feel like I'm paying a really hefty stupidity tax.

I agree Shellshocked, it is sad to have trust/faith shattered. Under any circumstances that has caused that loss as an end result.

After awhile, it's not even so much about the money. It's a far deeper wound that is inflicted when one loses faith. I'd love to win the lottery and see first hand how "money" could change my life, don't get me wrong. I know now that money can't restore my faith. No amount of money.

Does that sound "bitter?" I prefer to think of it as realistic.

[DowntroddenDad]

Years ago I wondered why my beloved aunt, who had been through two divorces, didn't marry her long term partner after living with him for years. Now I understand why. She did end up marrying him after many years, and they were happy. Sadly cancer took him away.

I'm not saying I would never marry again. I am now seeing someone who is a better financial position than me. She worries that my ego wouldn't accept taking gifts from her, like her paying my way on trips together(that she wants to take). She worries what my kids will think. Its a strange position to be in. I'd have to admit I'd prefer to pay my own way, but almost half my net income is going in support, and I have just enough for rent, my vehicle and a few simple pleasures.

I think in the near term, while I might consider common law, marriage itself would not be appealing.

[shellshocked22]

Be VERY careful about common law also my friend !! While marriage is "worse" via getting screwed over by Family Law, common law is only SLIGHTLY better and the differences (advantages of common law vs married for the higher wage earner) are getting slimmer every day.

Really, common law isn't much safer these days than marriage (except perhaps for Quebec and even they are threatening to "revisit" things).

Only thing I can think of for now is just to date and ensure you keep your own place - make sure your mail, driver's license, etc. is NEVER sent to her address. Although I 'm sure its a matter of time before the govt says that once you start to **** then you're on the hook lol......

[arabian]

I agree 100% with shellshocked22. Don't live together. Simple. I certainly will never make that mistake again. While at the time it seems that "two can live together cheaper than one" we know that down the road you PAY for that myth.

[DowntroddenDad]

Well not that I am contemplating moving any time soon, but I don't really have any assets to lose, her income is more than mine, her children are grown. If anything she'd have to pay me support, not that I would want that.