Anyone else feeling hopeless, financially?

[Crgman]

Update from OP: Nothing has changed since the original posting. I continue to have to pay 50% because my ex 'can't find a job'. (I suspect her family is supporting her) I am out of credit and options. I have been paying her way for almost 3 years. I have nothing left.
I have sunk into a deep depression, I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I have no relief in sight and no help available to me.
When I first created this thread I thought I was at my lowest. I know now that was not true.

[ScaredandConfused]

Hi,

Thanks for the support and clarity. My ex is going for the kill. Now that I'm unable to afford basic necessities after C/S etc... I am putting my children at risk and has asked for Sole Custody instead of the week-to-week Joint/Shared Custody agreement (although no primary caregiver has been assigned). We lost the matrimonial home as ex quit job and I had to sustain everything and children on my own.
The lawyers are asking the wrong questions - why are we both making the same incomes before the separation, why is one parent paying to maintain two separate households when it was a challenge supporting one? And how has that even affected the one parent who pays from being able to literially "feed" his children without having to be use the foodbank? Let's not even talk about Christmas.... My lawyer has suggested I represent myself... that's a sign that times are tight!
Well that's my rant, I don't want to dwell too much as it is depressing to think about it. What I can say is that I just smile and agree when the children ask if they can make the ex Christmas presents etc while with me - as I have sworn to myself never to affect their perspective.

[FightingForFamily]

A big part of the problem seems to be how so many parts of the system designed to help people in need will not accept that someone with an above average income is actually destitute due to support and taxes taking nearly 80% of the gross income away before they see it.

All qualifications for assistance are always based on "gross income" of which most divorce males may rate well, but whose net disposal income is actually below the poverty level.

[arabian]

I think you are on the right track about getting something revised in your order.

I would focus very, very hard on your budget. Your ex is very young and SS probably isn't going to happen. If your ex refuses to work then she should be imputed an income at the wage she made before she "retired." Many people on this forum have stated that a minimum wage imputation is around 20k. Even if you go somewhere between that and what she was making before the numbers will likely improve. You can play with the calculator just to get a ball-park idea. Find out which calculator courts refer to in your province (if you haven't already).

You guys are young and obviously lived large. Thing that will be most important for you will be to get court to recognize and act on the law that requires both people to contribute to the upbringing of the children.

[arabian]

Keep in mind that after you have declared bankruptcy you are considered to have been given a clean slate and actually this might go against you in family court. I would strongly encourage you to look at options to this (a proposal, done through a trustee, which is interest free for example). Bankruptcy will be with you for 14 yrs. That is a long, long time. Half of the debts belong to your ex. Your going bankrupt will disencumber you but leave her faced with the liability. Your ex doesn't have to declare bankruptcy.

The car situation is lousy. I note your friends and family have helped you out to the tune of 40k for legal fees. Perhaps someone would be willing to co-sign for you to get a different vehicle. That amount is definitely a budget-buster, particularly for someone who works out of their home. Public transport is around 100.00/month and kids ride free. Yes it sucks but it is much preferable than being evicted don't you think? (you currently have vehicle costs at over 700.00/mth). You would be better to put 100.00 of that towards additional food or the odd evening out for yourself.

That's my 2 bits for now. Other posters will hopefully chime in about the section 7 expenses as well as hopefully demystify the family court process for you.

[ScaredandConfused]

Just under 7 years, yes she quit her job less than a year before separation - she says she was let go... not true. we were dependent on two incomes. It was after I told her she needed to get back to work, I was told we are separating. She is under 40 has extensive education and experince but has said she refuses to go back to that line of work, and wants to start another personal business.
I'm panicking because it was challenging enough to raise the family on a single income, now to have that split between two homes, has literially shot me in the head. Lawyer fees have ran me 50K +

My ex parents helped my ex a month before our separation (that I know of), while she was on Unemployment. I lost everything and had to dump the house, the trust is gone.
I need to be mindful how much detail I put down on this site.
How do I prepare for bringing a hardship motion (if that even exists) and how quickly can it be dealt with?

[arabian]

How long were you married? Your ex has to prove eligibility for SS - it certainly isn't automatic. How old is your wife, did she work during the marriage? Many factors to consider and I'm sure your lawyer has advised you of this beforehand.

How much dough have your lawyers sucked out of you so far?

You disposed of the marital home. I assume there is money from the proceeds of the sale in the lawyers trust account?

You emphasized that your ex's parents are wealthy. Were they subsidizing you and your wife at anytime? If so this would explain your panic with having to balance your budget perhaps?

I know it must be very difficult for you but know you will have much tougher questions to answer in the future.

Provide as much information and hopefully you can get some free advice on this forum.

[ScaredandConfused]

I have been to see financial counselor(s) Bankruptcy is only option due to high level of secured joint and personal debt 100K. However disposable income during bankruptcy will be 1700.00 after CS and Section 7. See below breakdown.

Section 7:
1150 / 2 for 3 "young" children per month (although I didn't need it, and offered to care for children for ex to minimize expenses - offer refused and I was ordered to pay half).
45.00 for all three children for 3 months Extra circular activities (I had to find this the ex wanted to register them for 230.00 per month).

C/S
1260 - the judge said I made more than 80K (not true, he just looked at me cashing in my remaining RRSP I had left + 6K) and impuned an income of 18K, although we had some tax disclosure of 56K for even when she was on Mat leave.

S/S
TBD

Rent:
1360 Market rate

Groceries
200 - when I have children 50 % (week to week) three children
20 - 25 (for when I don't have the children (Hello Mr. Noodle) + food bank top up.

Clothing and incidentals for children
40 - 50 (mom does not supply clothing (homes are very polarized)
180 just got hit with winter and fall clothing (winter snow suits, boots, gloves etc...)

Gas / Heat
approx. 95 (probably higher with winter)

Hydro
approx. 80

Internet/phone
136.00

House Insurance
33.00

Auto Insurance
110.00

Car
490 for 6 more years (got hammered with this, I bought new car 2 months before being told of divorce, couldn't fit 3 infant seats and she had van listed under parents name 3 months before divorce... had to trade in new car only in order to transport children. To late to get rid of now, would not be able to replace it - no credit and will be too fresh into bankruptcy probably stuck in it for 9 months from date of filing. (tried))after two months for vehicle

Gas
100

Maintenace for vehicle
20

Debt not paid
Credit Card - 650 per month

JLOC - 600 per month

Previous Lawyer bill outstanding
590

Current lawyer bill (paid by family and friends to try to settle this).
42,000 + not including the recent 6000K requested to attend settlement conference. - Yes, I paid this for 1 year, and had only a Case Conference and a Motion of Change filed....

[arabian]

You need financial counselling fast. The numbers you have thrown out don't make sense to me.

One good thing is that any advice you get on here is free!

How much are your expenses really?

Rent -
Utilities -
phone/internet -
car/gas -

child support -
section 7 (specify as 600.00/mth seems rather steep)


Do a budget up and post it. I'm sure you can get some advice from some people on the forum.

You should know this like the back of your hand so it shouldn't be difficult.

[ScaredandConfused]

You are correct on almost all fronts, I need non-biased perspective. I pay 1200 + CS, and section 7 expenses run 600 + I make 1700 per pay net. My rent is 1230 for a 3 bedroom, we sold the matrimonial home and her lawyer held the money in trust, but refused to release the money for JLOC etc... every 90 Days, so after 3 - 4 occurances the bank froze my other credit for pook PK scores. The trust has been emptied, I live in non profit housing but I make to much gross, for subsidized rent, legal aide etc... I tried it all, I can't downsize right now because I have literially 23.00 in the bank as I've just paid for CS and Nov Day Care, rent is due tomorrow, I have no more credit rating after the trust issue.
I guess I need perspective, my concern is going at this solo against someone is knows the process, has demostrated the ability to skirt even providing basic mandatory information for over 2 years, it just seems everyone is ignoring factual evidence based information, and extending the benefit of the doubt over and over to someone who knows/is manipulating the system. How do I defend my self against that? She has time just to sit and strategize and think this through 24/7, I work full time, take care of the children, support two homes, and contemplating trying to take on another job, but won't that just mean her support increases also?
I offered to settle (over and over) I need closure and move on, I have my children in counseling, I'm in counseling, I've exhausted everything to try to settle, and when that failed I filled a Case Conference and had my A@$ handed to me.
Do I need to prepare a motion if the Settlement Conference fails to resolve the dire consequences my children and I face living together, do I simply give up my Access because how can three little children move with me week to week in a boarding room? I have family outside of the mobility clause I had to put in place at the onset of the separation (that's a whole another issue... Lets just say I'm very familiar with the Hague convention).
I don't want to rant, and looking for a pity party, I have issues that I'm facing and I'm trying to identify viable options at this stage - that's it. I can handle what's thrown at me, I just need to know what I can expect as that is what's creating so much fear, just not knowing.
The rent bank thru United Way has told me that they can only support me for two months. My Ex is now demanding SS, can they take over 50% of my net?

[arabian]

If you make 80k a year you should be able to support yourself and your children. There are people who write into this forum all the time who survive on much less than that. I know someone who is raising a child on her own with only 750.00/month CS and who doesn't work and has no other income.

The fact your wife comes from a moneyed family is irrelevant.
The fact that your wife has money in the bank and receives financial help from others is irrelevant - you receive help from church, food bank, etc. She can do the same.

Some lawyers are like real estate agents - they tell you what you want to hear. We've heard it time and time again on this forum. The best thing you can do is to educate yourself on all available case law similar to your situation, in your area of the country.

If you have a regular source of uninterrupted income I don't know why you are facing eviction. How much do you have to pay your ex each month anyhow?

I understand you are going through a tough time and I feel for you. You will get warm fuzzies from your church but you probably won't get it here. We are just a bunch of strangers who will tell you things the way we see it so try not to get offended by some remarks.

The more info you can provide the better people are able to offer some ideas that may help. Sounds like you make too much to qualify for legal aid? Maybe you can make a sort of "limited retainer" arrangement with your lawyer and do some of the leg work yourself.

[ScaredandConfused]

If you want your children to be fed and clothed you may have to change your employment. You may prefer to work out of your home but it might not be feasible at this time. It sounds like your ex is either a lawyer or works for one. In that case I'd prepare for a very long, drawn out battle. If you are currently working out of your home full time and have to go to the food bank then you either have to change careers or get child support from your ex, or both. Legal Aid might be the best immediate solution.

I was told not to change my employment, the issue is not working from home. I work from home because I work for an international company so geographical location / time zone is moote! I make 80K raising my children working from home and working when my children are with their mom, or at night - it's been hard, but there are alot of single parents who do, what they have to do... the only option is to take on a second job - which has reprecussions less time with my children, I'll do it, but please don't tell me my ex can't find a P/T job.

[ScaredandConfused]

My question is; will a Justice allow my children and I to be evidicted, or have me take on another job, when in fact I have been the primary caregiver "with factual evidence" at a Settlement Conference. It's the same justice who decided it would be good to pay my ex the CS without her finanical disclosure, and impuned an almost zero income although the bank statements and basic lifestyle expenses showed that her ability to live and provide for the children were evident. I just can't believe it.

My own lawyer was shell shocked and surprised, they are a "very" reputable firm... To be hit with this at a Case Conference. I even hired a much better lawyer last year, as I thought my ex was serious about negotiating a settlement, but it was only a strategy to delay, and over litigate, it worked... Come two weeks I either have the justice reverse his temporary order, or I'm on the street.... My lawyer said I should hold out for much, and I would have to enter a motion afterwards solo... I've seen sooo much about the CS issues, my church and support groups are writing. But would a mom with 50/50 joint custody be forced on the streets because she had a steady source of income? It's crazy even when I try to reflect on what has gone on...

[ScaredandConfused]

My gross income is beyond the threshold. I've applied, appealed and even tried again after I found out I'm going bankrupt, and have been using the food bank. They apologized but said I couldn't even get a payment arrangement (repayment / not to mention any kind of certificate).

[standing on the sidelines]

Ok, I'll keep that in mind... First posting jitters.

lol I remember that feeling. Its ok.