Child Support - Step Dad

[sgh77]

My wife and I separated 8 months ago after 22 months of marriage. She has a child from a previous marriage and has recently settled with him to get some child support but not according to the guidelines. We do not have a separation agreement yet as she wants everything, just give my furniture, etc I brought into the marriage. The matrimonial home was purchased by her however I know I have some right to the equity, however she thinks I shouldn't get anything. She is threatening to take me to family court to get child support as a step dad if I don't agree to her terms, basically walk away. There is approx $50 thousand in equity in the home.... after real estate fees to sell it and lawyers fees to fight it... is it worth it? What are your thoughts?

[HammerDad]

Research - in loco parentis - read - acted as a parent.

If you acted as a parent to a child whose parent you were in a relationship with (and they had custody of the child) you may be obligated to pay child support, notwithstanding any existing orders from other parents to pay child support for the same child.

She will have to prove you acted as a parent to the child. The marriage was brief, and it appears the Non-Custodial Parent was involved.

Whether or not you acted as a parent will likely be determined on a number of factors:

did you put yourself out to the public as a parental figure to the child
did you participate in raising the child ie. disciplining, schooling etc.
does the child see you as a parental figure

As for the house, there are some other factors. One factor was that you mentioned she bought the house. Did she own before you got married? You believe there is $50k in equity, but the reality is, you are only entitled to any equity gained DURING the marriage. So if the house was bought for $200k 5 years ago, you married <2years ago and it is now worth $250k, you would be entitled to a portion of the equity from the date you were married to the date of separation.

However, if there other matrimonial assets, you are entitled to equalization of those as well.

This is a very short marriage. Even if there is $50k in equity in the house which you are entitled to 1/2 of, how much in legal fees are you willing to pay to get that $25K (less real estate fees etc as well).

I understand not liking her take it or leave strategy and her attempt to blackmail you with c/s for a step child. I hope she sent that particular note via email as a judge would love to see how she positions her kid as a means of blackmail.

Just ensure any agreement you sign isn't signed while you are under duress like that. Have a clear mind and ensure you get sound legal advise.

[Pursuinghappiness]

I understand not liking her take it or leave strategy and her attempt to blackmail you with c/s for a step child.

I don't disagree that this might have been delivered badly but I'm equally not sure about the mentality of wanting half of all the equity in the house after a 22 month marriage. (If the equity actually increased 50k in less than two years which sounds unlikely). To me, both seem a little unreasonable here. The legal mess and the cost of moving (for her) would be rather silly.

Very short marriage...she owned the home before...she's got a child living with her there and probably doesn't want to move...frankly, her suggestion to "walk away" sounds pretty reasonable to me.

I notice you didn't mention anything about seeing the child after this is over...only the $.

[OrleansLawyer]

You could have a potential windfall from the matrimonial home - she will argue that the short duration of the marriage should result in an unequal division, you will argue it was long enough. Similarly, she can argue that you were acting in the place of a father, whereas you will argue that your relationship with the child was not sufficiently established.

How successful each argument will be is something you should see a lawyer about. Since you are talking about several tens of thousands of dollars in either direction, it would seem imprudent not to do so.

[Pursuinghappiness]

How successful each argument will be is something you should see a lawyer about. Since you are talking about several tens of thousands of dollars in either direction, it would seem imprudent not to do so.

Of course, whether you win or lose...the lawyer gets paid.

I feel that one should really take a look at the situation on their own and decide what they reasonably think they're truly entitled to with the circumstances of their marriage. If you really feel you're being cheated then by all means, see a lawyer. But the risk is going to a lawyer that promises you the moon and encourages you into fruitless longterm, expensive litigation.

Just my opinion.

[sgh77]

She wouldn't let me see him or talk to him on the phone when I called after our separation...her control over everything. Her ex husband has 50% shared custody and when I was laid off I would look after him after school... until she got home from work. I was not allowed to discipline him other than ask him to behave.
We lived common law for one year prior to marriage and paid 1/2 the mortgage, taxes, utilities. The home was purchasedby her 18 months prior to marriage. there are other financial obligation issues between us, credit cards, line of credit owing which is also shared.

[OrleansLawyer]

I feel that one should really take a look at the situation on their own and decide what they reasonably think they're truly entitled to with the circumstances of their marriage.

In an ideal world, this would settle 99% of family matters.

[Pursuinghappiness]

there are other financial obligation issues between us, credit cards, line of credit owing which is also shared.

My suggestion...type everything into a spreadsheet...figure out where you're at and make her a reasonable offer to settle it without going near the lawyers. You may want to estimate what the legal fees would be in there with it so she gets an idea of what she's going to be paying to litigate.

If she's still refusing any reasonable terms...then maybe use Orlean's suggestion and go to a lawyer that offers an initial free consultation so that you can see whether or not its worth it to you.

I'm sorry that you aren't able to see the child...particularly if you've bonded with him. Of course, if by some chance you do end up in court and she requests CS...at the same time, it would be an opportunity to request access.

Just a note...court is a long, slow, stressful process so really decide if its worth it to you.

In an ideal world, this would settle 99% of family matters.

I think its easier to do with really short marriages like this though.

[HammerDad]

Her ex having 50/50 custody of the child may effect whether or not you are deemed to have acted as a parent. Also, if you are deemed to have acted as a parent, you may also be entitled to parenting time with the child. But then the issue arises of, there is already a 50/50, whose time get altered so that you can have parenting time?

Given the 50/50, one would believe that it would be more difficult for her to prove you acted as a parent. However, it isn't entirely improbable.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Given the 50/50, one would believe that it would be more difficult for her to prove you acted as a parent. However, it isn't entirely improbable.

ugh...3-way custody battle. The horror!

[sgh77]

I'm ready to move on with my life but it does irk me that I've invested $24K in mortgage payments over the 3 years. The child's father told him he didn't have to listen to me since I'm not his Dad and I know my ex would fight to not allow me any access time as she tried to change their agreement to get sole custody and failed... so that's in my favor... I think she is bluffing.....
Thanks for hearing me and the advice...

[mcdreamy]

I'm ready to move on with my life but it does irk me that I've invested $24K in mortgage payments over the 3 years. The child's father told him he didn't have to listen to me since I'm not his Dad and I know my ex would fight to not allow me any access time as she tried to change their agreement to get sole custody and failed... so that's in my favor... I think she is bluffing.....
Thanks for hearing me and the advice...

That works out to $666.67 monthly rental payments.. You would have paid much more than that out on the rental marked... you actually saved yourself money!

[Pursuinghappiness]

I gotcha sgh but if you consider at even at a modest rent of around 700k a month (which is hard to find a decent apt for)...you're going to be paying around that amount in the same 3 yrs and still only contributing to the landlord's equity.

I'm not suggesting you have no claim...only that it might not be worth the time, trouble, stress to pursue. Whether you do or not is up to you.

The whole situation is unfortunate for the child also.

Anyway, whatever you decide...best wishes in moving on to your new life.

[sgh77]

Live and learn... I was stupidly in love and sold my house which I just broke even with. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would go after me for 50% of the equity?

[Pursuinghappiness]

Live and learn... I was stupidly in love and sold my house which I just broke even with. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would go after me for 50% of the equity?

That I can't answer...I don't know her.

What I can tell you is that her chances for success would be about the same.

What are your motives here? Revenge or compensation?

If its compensation...you paid a very fair amount of rent. I would definitely talk about splitting the joint debt up with her however.

If you want revenge...that is not what the court system is for and you'll be hurting yourself in the long run in my opinion.

By the way: All people take risks in relationships...its par for the course. I'm sorry it didn't work out though.