looking for some comments

[red12345]

My x continues to seek psychotherapy 3 years after separation and 1.5 years after divorce. She spent $20,950 on psychotherapy last year; that's $6,550 more than her income (all the alimony that I pay her), the remainder is coming out of the child support that I pay her. She is living totally on child support payments. I don't think this is right. She has also spent about $110,000 with the same therapist over the last 4 years and has been seeing the same therapist for about 7 years. What good can this person be doing for her, and why should I continue to pay support for such. She could seek therapy which is covered 100% by my employer benefits but refuses to see a different therapist.

....frustrated

[Pursuinghappiness]

Two questions:

1) Why do you know the exact amount she spent?
2) Why do you think that what she spends the money on is any of your business?

[red12345]

1. She claimed the therapy as medical expenses on her 2011 income tax.
2. She has no income other than support paid by me. She spent $6550 of child support payments on therapy and lives on the rest of child support payments.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Gotcha.

I understand why you might be a bit frustrated but in perspective, you're divorced and she doesn't have to account for how she spends the money. I don't see the grounds here for getting the order modified.

Its unfortunate but I'd find something else to worry about.

[NBDad]

and from what you describe she was seeing this therapist when the two of you were still together.

I agree it sucks balls, but your not going to get a lot of traction here.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Another question....was she spending that much when you were with her? Just curious because there's a possibility that's she's making a deal with the doc to fudge on the bill for tax reasons since she's been seeing them a long time.

I know its not what you want to hear but I guess there are worst things she could be spending the money on.

[red12345]

She has no other income, therefore she pays no tax to get a refund from.
Yes, she was seeing (the therapist) before separation.

That money could pay for our 2 childrens University education this year and she could see someone else for free, instead I have to come up with another $10,000 - $15,00 for University (88%-12% split)

[Pursuinghappiness]

Interesting concept..but no you couldn't actually.

You'd just be paying her the money...she'd be using it for something else...and you'd still have to come up with the money for tuition.

Your SS is one thing...your CS is another thing...and your section 7 expenses are another thing.

Truly, I understand that you're frustrated...but you're paying court ordered support. If she's spending it on male hookers, giving it to a cult, or lighting it on fire after she cashes the check...it doesn't matter. You're ordered to pay it. You have no control over these funds...you have no control over how she spends it.

I'm not trying to be insensitive at all but you seriously have to let this go because from what you've said here, you have no grounds to change the order and there's nothing you can do about it.

[MrToronto]

there is always things u can do....start asking for increased access to your kids...u never mentioned the ages...get custody of them she's obviously mentally unfit to parent....I know ex's that plan so far into the future and plot for long term diability to be incapable of supporting themselves..you also need a long term plan to thwart what your ex is obviously planning to do to you...increase the access.....get her declared unfit....and it may save you years of defending yourself against a drug zombie after your wallet....represent urself dig out case law...do resarch on medical conditions...better than listening to the defeatists here...everything is changable at some point in family law

[standing on the sidelines]

there is always things u can do....start asking for increased access to your kids...u never mentioned the ages...get custody of them she's obviously mentally unfit to parent....I know ex's that plan so far into the future and plot for long term diability to be incapable of supporting themselves..you also need a long term plan to thwart what your ex is obviously planning to do to you...increase the access.....get her declared unfit....and it may save you years of defending yourself against a drug zombie after your wallet....represent urself dig out case law...do resarch on medical conditions...better than listening to the defeatists here...everything is changable at some point in family law

Just because someone is getting help doesnt make them mentally unfit, in fact it shows that they are willing to accept and look for help. This would backfire on him totally.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Mr Toronto:

Yes I agree with what Standing said.

get custody of them she's obviously mentally unfit to parent....

How did you assess that she's unfit to parent?

and it may save you years of defending yourself against a drug zombie after your wallet....

He didn't say she was on drugs...only that she's been going to therapy for a number of years.


I actually didn't hear the OP complain about her parenting skill at all. Also, the amount of money that it would take to re-open a custody battle...if his concern is finances....would be prohibitive.

Simply put...people are allowed to go to therapy.

Unless there's further information that the OP has left out. I don't see any reason for a change in support or custody.

better than listening to the defeatists here...everything is changable at some point in family law

Who's being a "defeatist?" Everything is changeable WITH GROUNDS. Given the information that that the OP has given...he doesn't seem to have any. I find it unreasonable that you're pushing him to re-open a potentially extremely expensive custody battle when he's complaining about tuition. A custody battle can eat up thousands and thousands of dollars. And in the end...even if successful which is unlikely...he'll probably still be paying SS and S7 so he'll have saved nothing.

[Tayken]

Just because someone is getting help doesnt make them mentally unfit, in fact it shows that they are willing to accept and look for help. This would backfire on him totally.

Actually, it all depends on what the clinical diagnosis is and the impact on children involved.

If the parent is too unfit to work due to a medical illness it isn't uncommon for the argument to be presented that they are too unfit to care for the children.

It is really a shame to see this come forward but, it has and there is case law in the area. I have even see custody and access evaluators put forward this incredibly awful argument too.

Considering the C&A Evaluator is a "mental health practitioner" you think they would see the positive in seeking help but, alas many don't and will draw negative inferences against the party who seeks help.

It is a shame to see it so often in OCL reports and Section 30 reports before the court. It doesn't say much positive about the discrimination of disabled peoples (mental health issues *is* a recognized disability) when this is done... And especially by the clinical community that is supposed to be helping these people.

Good Luck!
Tayken

[standing on the sidelines]

Actually, it all depends on what the clinical diagnosis is and the impact on children involved.

If the parent is too unfit to work due to a medical illness it isn't uncommon for the argument to be presented that they are too unfit to care for the children.

It is really a shame to see this come forward but, it has and there is case law in the area. I have even see custody and access evaluators put forward this incredibly awful argument too.

Considering the C&A Evaluator is a "mental health practitioner" you think they would see the positive in seeking help but, alas many don't and will draw negative inferences against the party who seeks help.

It is a shame to see it so often in OCL reports and Section 30 reports before the court. It doesn't say much positive about the discrimination of disabled peoples (mental health issues *is* a recognized disability) when this is done... And especially by the clinical community that is supposed to be helping these people.

Good Luck!
Tayken

he never said that she was a bad parent or any concerns there. He is just concerned with the $$$$$$$.

[red12345]

No I never said she was a bad parent. The only thing negative is she has involved the children with this discussions and this upsets them to the point where they won't come for my visitation. I am a good father and I wouldn't question things if I didn't care. It isn't right that her life style goes unchanged while mine has had to change drastically.
Not working is a benefit of being in a marriage; when the marriage is over so should that benefit. Where will she find an income when I no longer have to pay support to her? Alimony should be for a maximum of 5 years regardless of prior to separation normalities.
Everyone is able to work and make some sort of income, even physically and mentally handicapped people. There are no excuses for not having to make some income.

[OrleansLawyer]

Alimony should be for a maximum of 5 years regardless of prior to separation normalities.

While this gets a lot of sympathy, it holds no weight at court. If you were married for 20+ years then you are not likely to ever be free of support payments.

She does have a positive obligation to seek to be self sufficient. Depending on her prior training and career, and job opportunities, that can become grounds to reduce or terminate support. However, if she has none, at best you could hope to impute a minimum wage earning to her (say, 18k/annum) to reduce your support obligation. Depending on her mental fitness even that may not be possible.

Notwithstanding the above, your child support obligations will not change as long as they are "children of the marriage". If they go away for school then child support is usually renegotiated, with a lower monthly payment to coincide with the increase in s.7 expenses.