C.S. nightmares

[PJD]

Hey folks, long time viewer first time poster.
If you have been ordered to court by 'FRO', for back C.S from near 30yrs ago how is this order still pending?...can it be beaten at all?
I have a 56yr old family member who seriously, really hasnt had a good life in every sense of the word. Who lost both parents too early, blacklisted by other non-interested relatives and his wife (co-claimant),broke his heart when found cheating on him on returm from work one day and falsely had him charged with assault, hence restraining order also restraining from the 2 children. She remarried within 2yrs and moved out of town.
My cousin, who has never had a drivers licence, in and out of meningless employment the rest of his life when employed at all from the huge depression he fell under until only recently where at 56 he now has a GREAT job, his very first apartment and believes he will now lose it all.
Can anyone here direct show me a road to go down to help out here with this. Looking forward to any replies. Thank You.

[standing on the sidelines]

did he have a court order to pay child support way back?? Did he pay it?? Was there ever action before by fro to collect money?? The devil is in the details with this. Is this a new order?? Was he in arrears????

He wont lose his job over this or the apartment as long as he goes to work and pays his rent.

[AngieJ]

Hard for me to feel sympathetic on this one......my own father (parents divorced when I was 2 - last time saw father I was 4) owed my mother child support, left town and never paid a dime!

Now after 30+ years FRO caught up to him and he could not renew his driver's licence until he started to pay the arrears!

Your cousin/buddy will not loose everything, he still has to live, usually a reasonable payment can be worked out for what he can afford to pay after he pays his rent and essential expenses.

Good luck!

[Berner_Faith]

Great responses above... if he was dodging the bullet then and not paying or feel behind for whatever reasons... doesn't matter how many years ago it was...he owes the money... like stated, a payment plan will be worked out but he will have to work.

[Rioe]

Not that I'm not happy to hear of deadbeats being caught and made to finally be responsible, even 30 years later, for their children, but I thought I read somewhere that big arrears like that after the children were grown weren't really pursued, as they were felt to be simply a transfer of wealth to the other parent and not likely to be used for the child?

I'd love to see the kids get a lump sum, even at thirty+ years old. Think how many student debts this would pay off, or how many dreams of owning a home realized, or weddings paid for this would be!

[inseperationhell]

Completely agree Rioe with the money, if collected should go to the kids...however, should the ex not get some to re-imburse the fact the their financial circumstance would have been better if the child support owed had been paid on time? The ex did foot the bill for more expenses than legally required while the kids were young which would have affected their financial position.... Just a thought.

[mcdreamy]

As the x is a co-claimant, it looks like one of the kids is trying to pursue retro arrears. Good for them.

I feel for your cousin, depression is not an easy disease to work with. But perhaps since he is now doing better in his life, he can recognize some of his past responsibilities?

Like Angie, my bio father left when I was 2 and never paid a dime, nor did I hear a word from him, until I turned 16 and he reached out through my older sister. I had, and still have, absolutely no desire to have a relationship with him. And no, I was not alienated by my mother, in fact she encouraged us to regain our relationship. Why bother putting effort into a relationship that he never tried to develop?

[Coop]

As the x is a co-claimant, it looks like one of the kids is trying to pursue retro arrears. Good for them.

I feel for your cousin, depression is not an easy disease to work with. But perhaps since he is now doing better in his life, he can recognize some of his past responsibilities?

Like Angie, my bio father left when I was 2 and never paid a dime, nor did I hear a word from him, until I turned 16 and he reached out through my older sister. I had, and still have, absolutely no desire to have a relationship with him. And no, I was not alienated by my mother, in fact she encouraged us to regain our relationship. Why bother putting effort into a relationship that he never tried to develop?

mcreamy - you wrote:

But perhaps since he is now doing better in his life, he can recognize some of his past responsibilities?

But then wrote this about your own father who tried to reach out to you at one point:

Why bother putting effort into a relationship that he never tried to develop?

I am in no place to tell you how to feel, but I sense that you can recognize that people do change. Can you offer your father some grace as maybe he is one of those that wants to right his wrongs?

I am fortunate enough to have had my parents in my life so maybe I would feel the same way if I was in your shoes. I don't know....just a thought.

[AngieJ]

Not that I'm not happy to hear of deadbeats being caught and made to finally be responsible, even 30 years later, for their children, but I thought I read somewhere that big arrears like that after the children were grown weren't really pursued, as they were felt to be simply a transfer of wealth to the other parent and not likely to be used for the child?

I'd love to see the kids get a lump sum, even at thirty+ years old. Think how many student debts this would pay off, or how many dreams of owning a home realized, or weddings paid for this would be!

Rioe, I agree sure it would be nice for me to see some of that money, but in the long run, my mom went without a lot when I was growing up cause she did it all on her own, no help from welfare or mother's allowance. She never had money to dump into her RRSP's, ect, cause everything went to support me!

I have to say, she spoils my boys rotten all the time, and is constantly getting them stuff they need......so it may not be coming directly to me personally, but mom is paying it forward!

Ang

[hadenough]

Hmmm. I don't think FRO was around when I was a baby. How long HAVE they been around for? My dad wouldn't have a dime to his name - never did. I haven't seen him since I was 15. And that was briefly. He and my mother separated (no court) when I was 2. I don't remember him being w/us at all. My mother didn't alienate us from him. I recall at the age of 6, that I had no desire to see him at all. I'm pretty sure he's still alive but I couldn't swear to it. He made one lame attempt I guess. Gave his phone # to my mom when I was oh, about 20 - and said "give the girls my #" (I have an older sister). Needless to say, I never called - and to this day have no interest in speaking to him.

He was not a nice person. Not a good man. And definitely not a "Father" in any true sense of the word. In recent years, I've found myself imagining what a conversation w/him would be like. I don't think it would go very well. My mom was too fearful of him to ever take him to Court so there was no Child Support. I wish there had been more support for Single Parents back then. But this topic - 30 years?!! That really surprised me - didn't know it was possible. Talk about skeletons falling out of the closet. *rattle rattle*

[PJD]

All great responses and I thank the many that did so.
My story is true, I was witness to the relationship as bad as it was and although difficult to be un-bias with the parties involved by doing my best unbias thought- it would seriously be:
He was told to never show his face again. (This was because he never ever, and I mean ever, got what a man had to do in life)...a late bloomer would be a hard sell but he is almost there now and after witnessing his growth one cannot help but encourage its growth too.
Now, to get hit with this.....
He had court orders to not ever be around the children and the reasons were unfounded..completely.
OK, some may say your one sided but not the case let me explain.
My cousin is much, very much like an old hippy going from one situation to the next without care or concern...a little slow in the mind but very strong minded at the same time, (An inherited thing from his father my uncle and godfather). - Not lazy, Not uncaring but when this situation hit him basically, I believe, put it into his head they never exisisted if you can understand this....
I know he was hurt but he very deffinitely went out of his way to lie to himself that he wasnt wanted by anyone anymore and he lived his life as such ever since...
In most cases this was actually a good account of how is parents and siblings treated him..as tho he didnt exist either.
With most all his blood family past away now he has relied on my family and as I grew up with him when very young Ive always kept a close eye for his life continuance to to speak...
He wasnt a deadbeat father........
His dreams were destroyed and his only fault in this is that he didnt/COULDNT, supply his ex-wife with the life she wanted and she damn well went out and got it else where eliminating him after just 2 years of total relationship. Her life before was no better.
I also know he attempted many times to contact the children thru various routes as I wrote the letters requesting just that, to the court, to her, to her lawyer and a few to her for the children.
He wasnt deadbeat in that he hid earnings rather quite the opposite.
My brother and I appeared in court with him during the original and only order which he let go uncontested..(.He hadnt earnings to speak of regardless).
Against our advice he told the magistrate he made double the money then he actually did.....(sounds B.S to some) but thats what he did...easy, he was bragging that he was better then he was in attempt to appear doing well to his ex in stupid hope she may look at him differently and take him back.....
An amount was ordered which was most likely 200% more then what he earned...
Remember folk, he isnt all there with the smarts...cooked his own chicken.
30yrs later now with a nice sense of calmness finally it is all about to be blown up in his face.....I dont think he will live thru it...I dont.
Please...any helpful responses will be greatly appreciated.
He was never deadbeat, negligent,not available,...just hurt,lost and not much of a positive type person as he has been with most everything life has to offer and that most all us enjoy in life...he has never known that feeling since the first separation.
He has lived the past thirty years un-trusting and cynical to allas well sad but never deadbeat or uncaring nor unavailable.
Please, folk, any helpfu;l responses are greatly appreciated.
Pete

[standing on the sidelines]

the thing he has to do first is figure out how much money he owes. This wont go away to see has to deal with this head on. Proving how much he made back then is probably no possible but worth a shot.

he may be stronger then you think. I am not sure if he can ask for some of the arrears to be wiped out or not because of the time that has passed.

[PJD]

did he have a court order to pay child support way back?? Did he pay it?? Was there ever action before by fro to collect money?? The devil is in the details with this. Is this a new order?? Was he in arrears????

He wont lose his job over this or the apartment as long as he goes to work and pays his rent.

Great reply and I thank you very much,- The court order.
He never had earnings and what he did mangae only paid what little groceries he may have bought. Basically, he bartered his way thru life thru mostly friends who genuinely love him...he is lucky in this respect but that also goes further to his charactor..
Dont know if any further action by FRO since it has gone thu the court.
As they would likely have to mail any orders this wouldnt happen as he has never had his own residence until just now-30yrs later.
As far as I know this new order is either from CRA or possibly FRO I unsure at this point.
Will it make a difference in who the order is from as far as urgency is concerned?

[Rioe]

I know he's probably terrified that the life he's finally been able to build for himself may collapse around him, but that's probably the worst case scenario if he keeps putting his head in the same.

He does need to start being proactive instead of reactive. I'm sure he realizes that abandoning children, no matter how it started, isn't good for them, and he was responsible for them no matter what actions their mother took. Also, he may be able to find a new relationship with his adult children out of this. I would suggest that he maybe find a way to squeeze out a little bit of his income, and start giving it to them. It might make amends with them (and who knows what kind of story his ex gave the kids about why they had no dad) and help them out. This makes him look good if she takes him to court, and sort of establishes a precedent that he's supporting them directly, instead of the money going to her as some sort of weird repayment. This way, he may have a little control over the amount too, and not have some number forced on him that he is unable to pay. A court is maybe more likely to accept what he's been doing before he got there, than make a new order.

Unless he's been doing his taxes all along, it's going to be very hard to calculate what sort of arrears he may owe. I am guessing a monthly amount could be ordered based on what he makes now, however.