Abusive husband files false charges

[dadtotheend]

cl4, you're situation was a self-fulfilling prophecy from day one of your joining this board. You came here stating time and again that you knew you were going to be arrested. You then went on and on and on asking hypothetical questions ad nauseum, devoting all your energy to wondering this and that and, I suspect, little or no energy to taking action to prevent your inevitable arrest. Eventually you did get arrested. Instead of steering clear of your ex, you continued to engage with her I bet, and you got what you as much as asked for.

It's sad because the pendulum really has swung badly the other way on domestic violence. There are a lot of good men out there that are being falsely accused and charged. A lot of vindictve, bitter women play this card in order to ruin their ex, or worse, ruin a father's relationship with his kids.

Now you're barking up a tree where you have been (probably) rightfully called to task. You don't seem to possess much in the way of judgement cl4. You remind me of someone who suddenly disappeared from this board a few weeks back. Granted that person was wholly irrational, and I don't think you are at that level.

But you sure didn't pick a good battle here. Moreover, you knew all about the trap of potentially being falsely accused and arrested. Instead of taking measures to ensure that it wouldn't happen, and despite all of the good advice you got here, you stayed in the lion's den, and got what you predicted. You have yourself to blame for that dude.

[helplessDad]

This is my first post and I could use some advice. I decided to leave my abusive husband last August after 25 years of marriage. I have three teenage sons, ages 14, 16, 18. We had to share the house until it was sold effective the end of January. The schedule was designed to minimize the time we would cross paths. Unfortunately, in the few times we did see each other, my husband was aggressive, enraged, mean, insulting and totally disrespectful towards me. I ignored him most the time but the bullying and harassment and the threats (vague ones that intimated that I would have to “pay” for leaving him) continued. I went to the police on several occasions but was basically told that unless he was making threats of bodily harm, there was nothing that could be done. I had called the police just before I told him I wanted a divorce, after he pushed me in front of our 14 year old son. I did not lay charges at that time.<o></o><o></o>

The bullying and insults escalated as our move date approached. I kept reminding myself that I only had a few more weeks to go, and then I wouldn’t have to endure this abuse any longer. How wrong I was! He returned to the house one evening 3 weeks ago after I had spent the weekend moving some items out of the house with the help of my 2 older sons, items that I was entitled to take. When he saw that items had been moved out of the house, he became completely enraged. At one point he threw himself on the ground and then claimed I pushed him.The end result was that he had me arrested the following morning on false charges of assault and conjugal violence after he had subjected me to his rage, aggressiveness etc the following evening (including picking the lock of my bedroom door). I was arrested just after I got off the phone with my lawyer to see if I could obtain a restraining order. No one ever asked me what happened! My new defense attorney tells me it’s extremely rare for such charges to be laid against a woman. <o></o><o></o>

My boys were extremely upset and defended me to their father. They don’t believe him and they have told me they will testify against him if this ever goes to trial.

I’m still stunned, angry, and floored by how low he could go and how little respect he has shown the mother of his children. I followed my attorney’s advice and have cut all communication with him and I’ve also been told to never ever be alone with him. I’m still scared of what he could be capable of seeing as he managed to pull off a stunt like this. I've been keeping a journal of everything he has been saying and doing to me since August. Has anyone else had a similar experience? What are the chances of being convicted based on someone's false allegations? Can I still travel to the U.S.?

<o></o>

most couples have fights once in a while, maybe even quite often, and the husband and wife can be more physical than necessary. but you didn't explain why and how the separation really happened, and all we know is your side of the story. was it your own decision to leave the house because of one push? my wife pushes me all the time, but that can't result in such a drastic decision. if there was a difficulty in your relationship, did you two have a fair discussion to remedy that? I know it's sometimes almost impossible to talk to each other, but when one party single-handedly decides the destine of their partnership, the other party will naturally become bitter, especially when you have kids because both parents love them, and no one likes to have their kids taken away.

and I highly doubt that the police would believe ANY man of being abused badly enough that the charges can be laid against a woman. if a man claims of being abused, the police would automatically assume he physically abused her so she only defended herself by pushing him, hence the arrest of the husband. that's the way it goes probably 90% of the time. I just can't believe that he convinced the police that you abused him without übercompelling evidence. according you you, this crazy abusive husband who's being threatening you constantly suddenly convinced the cops to arrest you because he was lying down on the ground? if it was the other way around, sure, the cops will believe the woman every word. I'm sure it's hard to talk to someone like your husband, but why did you keep ignoring him? was he really only bothering you or in his awkward way trying to talk to you? my wife became so bitter whatever I say enrages her. so I maybe biased in this respect.

anyways, maybe he has a cop buddy or something.

[venice]

most couples have fights once in a while, maybe even quite often, and the husband and wife can be more physical than necessary. but you didn't explain why and how the separation really happened, and all we know is your side of the story. was it your own decision to leave the house because of one push? my wife pushes me all the time, but that can't result in such a drastic decision. if there was a difficulty in your relationship, did you two have a fair discussion to remedy that? I know it's sometimes almost impossible to talk to each other, but when one party single-handedly decides the destine of their partnership, the other party will naturally become bitter, especially when you have kids because both parents love them, and no one likes to have their kids taken away.

and I highly doubt that the police would believe ANY man of being abused badly enough that the charges can be laid against a woman. if a man claims of being abused, the police would automatically assume he physically abused her so she only defended herself by pushing him, hence the arrest of the husband. that's the way it goes probably 90% of the time. I just can't believe that he convinced the police that you abused him without übercompelling evidence. according you you, this crazy abusive husband who's being threatening you constantly suddenly convinced the cops to arrest you because he was lying down on the ground? if it was the other way around, sure, the cops will believe the woman every word. I'm sure it's hard to talk to someone like your husband, but why did you keep ignoring him? was he really only bothering you or in his awkward way trying to talk to you? my wife became so bitter whatever I say enrages her. so I maybe biased in this respect.

anyways, maybe he has a cop buddy or something.

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HelplessDad,

I didn't leave because of one push. We had a long-term marriage and the issues that resulted in my decision to leave were his anger-management issues, excessive drinking and his very controlling personality. He bullied our children, was excessively punitive, and was yelling constantly. The're 14, 16, and 18 now so that's a lot of yelling. He never took responsibility for himself and he was always right. When he wasn;t behaving like this, he was enjoyable to be around. Unfortunately, the good times were overshadowed by the frequency of the bad times. We went to marriage counselling on 2 separate occasions. I finally went alone when he refused to. I asked him to get help for his anger problem and he took an anger-management course but the improvement from it was short-lived. I also asked him to get help for his drinking problem and made it very clear the marriage was on the line but he still refused. I think he didn;t take me seriously. He reacted with intense rage and we have not had a civilized conversation since. He cannot speak to me without resorting to name-calling, insults, threats of how he's going to make me pay, etc. Total and complete disrespect. I have not retaliated and efforts to insist he speak to me with respect have been fruitless. So when he couldn;t speak to me with basic respect, I would ignore him.

Like you, I too couldn"t believe the police would arrest me without so much as asking a question. I asked a police officer how this could happen and I was told that when someone goes to them and claims another person assaulted them and they're scared of that person, they just assume the person is telling the truth and if they make the arrest, then they've done their job. Hard to believe, but apparently this is the way it is.

So this is what happened: he threw himself backwards, obtained a self-inflected bruise and made the false claim that I pushed him. The best reason I can come up with for this drama of his is that he never digested the fact that I called the police in August even if no charges were laid. He made numerous comments after that to indicate that he was going to get even with me.

Trust me, the story sounds far-fetched to me too but I'm actually living this nightmare and my kids unfortunately are as well too.

[dadtotheend]

Still waiting for you to post those website links cl4. It's a fact.

[standing on the sidelines]

in some ways i can understand to police side of it. Someone comes to them with bruises and says they were assaulted. If the police did not do anything and the person being truely assaulted was killed, the public would be after the police for not arresting the attacker in the first place.

They have to treat every "victim" as a true victim until it comes out in the investigation that it was a lie. I think they are in a "damned if they do, damned if they don't" type of situation with assault.

[dadtotheend]

Maybe so, but someone coming to the police with bruises doesn't mean that the bruises were inflicted by their spouse. It's not OK at all to make that leap of faith!!!

[standing on the sidelines]

Maybe so, but someone coming to the police with bruises doesn't mean that the bruises were inflicted by their spouse. It's not OK at all to make that leap of faith!!!

i can understand that but what happens the time that the person being abused is killed by the abuser. I would rather have the cops make err on the side of caution.

[billiechic]

Maybe so, but someone coming to the police with bruises doesn't mean that the bruises were inflicted by their spouse. It's not OK at all to make that leap of faith!!!

No, they have to take a statement from both the vistim and the accused. It is not a leap of faith to have someone charged with assault if both the person's statement, the nature of the injury and the surrounding circumstances all point towards the spouse. And then the judge will look at the evidence to decide IF there was an assault, and if there was, what the punishment is.

Yes, sometimes false charges are laid. Yes, sometimes people are wrongly accused, maybe even sometimes convicted. But in the majority of cases it WAS assault. If a woman who is abused cannot have some faith that the law will support her and punish her abuser, then what help can she expect?

[billiechic]

Source for your numbers??

[billiechic]

I'm not lazy, you are the one spouting numbers. Do you have any basis for your opinions? Dadtotheend has already asked for your sources.

[billiechic]

link??????

[helplessDad]

No, they have to take a statement from both the vistim and the accused. It is not a leap of faith to have someone charged with assault if both the person's statement, the nature of the injury and the surrounding circumstances all point towards the spouse. And then the judge will look at the evidence to decide IF there was an assault, and if there was, what the punishment is.

Yes, sometimes false charges are laid. Yes, sometimes people are wrongly accused, maybe even sometimes convicted. But in the majority of cases it WAS assault. If a woman who is abused cannot have some faith that the law will support her and punish her abuser, then what help can she expect?

so what you are saying is, she was charged with assault after the police received a statement from him AND her? the policed believed him who obviously faked the injury instead of her who did nothing?

[venice]

so what you are saying is, she was charged with assault after the police received a statement from him AND her? the policed believed him who obviously faked the injury instead of her who did nothing? <!-- / message --> <!-- controls -->

HelplessDad,

To clarify, no statement was ever taken from me. I was arrested SOLELY on my husband's word and the bruise of his self-inflicted injury. And there's nothing I can do, apparently. I am the one who is Helpless...

[billiechic]

so what you are saying is, she was charged with assault after the police received a statement from him AND her? the policed believed him who obviously faked the injury instead of her who did nothing?

No, I waS resonding to the post above mine. I was referring to the usualy process, not this situation. I read the original post and understand that her statement was not taken. Her lawyer should be using that.

[venice]

Billiechic,

When I spoke to my lawyer from the detention centre, he told me not to make any statement. But regardless, I was not even asked if I wanted to make one or if I had anything at all to say. It really sucks, and this is after they have a record of my previous contact with the police. I wonder if Cl4 has any statistics on how many men make false allegations????