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Confused and Alone

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  • Confused and Alone

    where do i start, I'm hoping someone can help, give support or advice, help me not feel like the sky is falling.
    I am a 38y/o man, married for almost 11 years. My wife is abusive, as recently as May 3, she hit me, when I picked up that phone to call the police the started punching herself and saying that she would tell them that I hit her. She has, in the past told me she would ruin me and tell me i would never see my son.
    I'll give insight to what kind of father I am, her own mother spent the majority of her career in early child hood care as well as special needs care in younger children, she has two sons as well as my wife, she told my wife that in all of her experience including her own kids she has never seen a son as close to his father as my son is with me.
    I am the primary care giver to him, my wife frequently comes home from work and sits on the couch and does nothing. I have to work all day pick up my son from school, take him home, take him to the park, bathe, feed do homework with, not to mention all the other household chores that need to be done.
    I really don't know what to do. On top of everything, my wife has a drinking problem and she has, in my opinion a severe personality disorder, she will frequently switch moods and they are severe severe moods, i am always walking on egg shells, she drinks AT LEAST 5 x 500 ml cans of beer every night. I feel as though the best course of action would be for me to seek sole custody until my wife gets the drinking and emotional help she needs.
    My biggest problem, due to all the drinking and other circumstances beyond our control, we are severely in debt. My wife will never agree to see a mediator to give up custody and I cannot afford a lawyer. I live in quebec, I make too much money for legal aid, and I contacted a lawyer the other day, she wants a $500.00 deposit and $175/hour, I simply cannot afford that.

    I am so close to the end of my rope but i will hang on for my son, I just don't know what to do without being able to afford a lawyer,

    I feel so alone and scared,

  • #2
    Start by reading THE LIST:

    THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum

    It will help you understand what is coming. Secondly, don't panic. Many, many people have been in the same situation you find yourself in and it has turned out OK... though it may get worse before it gets better... it will get better.

    The first thing you need to do is decide if you want the marriage to continue, if it is saveable, and if you think you and your wife are willing to work on it. Divorce is NOT an attractive option but it is a possibility.


    • #3
      this has been going on for a while, i don't know if i have anything left TO Work on.


      • #4
        Document document document.

        Make a journal. Make entries for every time there is an issue. If you get bruised, take pictures.


        • #5
          My heart really goes out to you,

          I understand all to well what you are going through. This is the best advice that was given to me:

          - stay clear away from your abusive spouse, don't engage in any 'back and forth' arguing as it will exhaust you and make things worse.

          - do all that you can do document any abuse. Have something to show the judge and/or lawyers.

          - report any bad behavior, don't let the abuser get away with anything - call them out!

          - get a restraining order for your own protection

          - In Quebec call SOS Violence conjugale, they will help you to find an advocate and also some legal aid which specializes is D Violence cases

          - take photos of any injuries and keep all important documents in a safe place.

          You also need support from people who understand ... your local CLSC will direct you to FREE therapy as you will probably need some.

          Also call your local CAVAC they give free legal advice to crime victims and will accompany you in court.

          I hope this helps,
          Jan XX


          • #6
            rr3id.75 at this time I don't know what to say that will help you when you look back at all the advice you may have got ( thinking ahead )

            I do feel for your situation and will try to comment constructively in another post.

            wishing the best for you
            Last edited by pokeman; 06-25-2013, 06:08 PM.


            • #7
              you mentioned debt - that in itself can bring out the worst in us humans

              try and work with your spouse ( I know its hard ) to go to debt counseling , is that possible - if you check in your area you might find some reputable free sessions available - if you have equity in the home be sure to not just discuss your debt with anyone cause some would have the opportunity to steal from you knowing the #'S

              this might be 1 small step toward a better tomorrow

              you don't want to go down the divorce road or run cause a nasty lawyer will have you sleeping on a friends couch in couple of days

              but at some point the decision is $ vs. sanity

              keep your relationship with all your children strong as you can , be positive and the best dad you can be , if you get separated their wanting to see you will keep you alive in your struggle

              my personal experience is its best for you and children to try 1 more time to try and resolve the problem inside the house - I know its hard I cried many times myself on the way home knowing she was there

              no one has the right to abuse you mentally or physically, if she is not harming the children just you then make notes and seek out local men's groups in the area for additional advice - but keep in mind women end up with the kids +80% of time so keeping positive is always a struggle for us

              there's not a lot of options for you - hence not a lot of posts - no one knows what to say cause there isn't a billion dollar infrastructure built for you to run too

              so - try debt counseling , if that doesn't work then get yourself some conciling to cope until the kids are out of house - get yourself some action on the side if that helps

              from my experience of running with kids the advisarial lawyers just tore me a new a.hole so that might be your destiny with out getting a lot of points of view besides this web site

              believe in yourself - your not alone just men are afraid to say in my opinion

              sorry for late reply - had to go to court fryday so I can see my kids past today

              best of luck to you


              • #8
                Digital recorder. Keep it running in your pocket whenever you are at home. If she threatens things like she'll call the police and tell them you hit her, you'll have that recorded in your own defence.

                Addressing debt. Cut her off financially. Start a new bank account and send your paycheck there. Only put enough money in a joint account to pay the essential bills. Cut off any credit card of hers that is linked to yours. It can't get you out of your current debt, but it can at least slow or stop the downward slide.

                Make decisions. Can you give her an ultimatum/intervention about her drinking, etc? Do you want to give up on the marriage, or try to get her some help for her problems?

                Be there for your son, more than ever. Keep your cool around him and be the stable parent. It's going to be a while before things get better, but they will, and he'll need one of his parents to guide him through the process.

                Her threats about ruining you and you never seeing your son are empty ones. Document your parenting, keep a journal, photos, etc, to show that you are an involved father, and she won't be able to keep him from you.

                Seek help. Talk to someone through your family physician or an EAP program at your work. Al-anon. Anything to give you some emotional support. It's a traumatic time, and counselling can fortify you for getting through it.


                • #9
                  what 'rioe' said should be prioritized if following 'her' advice

                  get the counseling first cause once you try and cut finances the game is on

                  rioe assumes you can cut off stuff , lawyers and judges love that from a man

                  if she is left starving she can stick a drill bit in your eye and most likely get away with it


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by pokeman View Post
                    what 'rioe' said should be prioritized if following 'her' advice

                    get the counseling first cause once you try and cut finances the game is on

                    rioe assumes you can cut off stuff , lawyers and judges love that from a man

                    if she is left starving she can stick a drill bit in your eye and most likely get away with it
                    Cutting off a financially irresponsible spouse can be done even if things aren't headed for divorce,. He just stops giving her access to his own money. She can still keep doing whatever she likes with her own earnings.

                    I never said to stop buying groceries.


                    • #11
                      500.00 deposit for a lawyer is a deal. They usually want 3,000.00 - 5,000.00 to start.
                      anything under 200.00/hr is fair - if you keep your communication to a minimum (limit emails & phone calls to lawyer) and make sure you have good 'lawyer control' then the money might be the best you've ever spent. You might have to borrow some money from a friend and arrange to pay it back over a long period of time if possible.


                      • #12
                        Can in ask what are her sleeping patterns?


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