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For those of us in abusive relationships who think "someday I'll figure out how to get out." Be it saving up enough money, or once the kids get older, or whatever you're thinking that keeps getting out somewhere in the haze of "someday," I have a story for you. It is my own, and I've only ever shared it with the authorities, family, close friends. Not with anyone who would really understand.
Years ago, after my first divorce, I was alone with 3 small kids. I had a hard time adjusting to life as a single parent. I met a man who everyone thought was Mr. Perfect, including me. He said all the right things, did all the right things, etc. (Boy, I bet this is sounding familiar to some, eh?)
We moved in together & things were wonderful. Except there were a few of my friends who he didn't really like. Nothing overtly ugly about it, more "you could do better" kind of comments here and there. I honestly believed he was trying to help me be a better person. He encouraged me to quit my job and go back to school. I did. But then he encouraged me to stay home with the kids more. Then he didn't want me going out without him. (You guys are seeing the pattern already, aren't you?)
Well, I didn't see it then. I honestly thought he had my best interests at heart. He never said anything ugly. Never talked down to me. He was always encouraging and his reasoning was very logical to me at the time. It was only in hindsight that I see now when things truly started to go south. They started Day 1 with the first comment about "doing better" for friends.
To make a long story short, a year into our combined home life, I realized he had assumed total control over my life. It made me uneasy and uncomfortable. When I "fought back" for my independence, he never raised his voice. He never raised his hand. He just said no. When I pushed. He just said no. I contemplated leaving for another 3 months. I knew the relationship was going somewhere unhealthy. I knew there was something wrong when a man wants to keep you that isolated. When I finally threw up my hands and said "Enough. I want out. I want my life back to what it was." He calmly left the room. I thought he was leaving before an arguement ensued. (We had never had a "real" fight before)
I was so wrong. So, so wrong. He came back into the room and proceeded to fire 3 shots at me from a 9mm handgun. Only one missed me. The other two hit. I am lucky to be alive and breathing now, seven years later. The first bullet missed my heart by mm's. He is now serving time in the States for attempted murder.
My point in all of this is simple. If I had gotten out when my first instincts told me to, rather than worry about the kids missing him, about what they would think about "another" break up in mom's life, or how I was going to pay the bills, or what would happen with our house, or all the other truly meaningless "what ifs" that kept me there, if I had stopped thinking that somehow things would get better, we could find a therapist, or he would somehow see the light, I wouldn't have had to go through months of rehab, 2 surgeries, years of pain management therapy, as well as the last 7 years of psychological therapy to help me and my children move past it. (My children were home when he shot me)
Before the shooting I just thought he was controling. I didn't think of him as abusive. No one who knew either of us would have ever thought he would shoot me. I never dreamed he would do something so drastic. But he did. And he had every intention of killing me. The first shot was aimed center-mass of my chest. The second was as well, but because I fell down from the first, he missed and it hit me in the side as I fell away from him. The bullets were hollow points. He meant to drop me. He meant for me not to get up.
And the scariest thing? When the US courts ordered that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist prior to going to court? The psychiatrist said in his report that there was nothing wrong with him mentally...he was just mean!!!!
Believe me ladies, if you're in a situation you think you can't get out of? Look at the alternative. Look at what could happen if you don't. It's not easy to get out, but considering the alternative if you don't? There's no mountain too steep, ya know?
Years ago, after my first divorce, I was alone with 3 small kids. I had a hard time adjusting to life as a single parent. I met a man who everyone thought was Mr. Perfect, including me. He said all the right things, did all the right things, etc. (Boy, I bet this is sounding familiar to some, eh?)
We moved in together & things were wonderful. Except there were a few of my friends who he didn't really like. Nothing overtly ugly about it, more "you could do better" kind of comments here and there. I honestly believed he was trying to help me be a better person. He encouraged me to quit my job and go back to school. I did. But then he encouraged me to stay home with the kids more. Then he didn't want me going out without him. (You guys are seeing the pattern already, aren't you?)
Well, I didn't see it then. I honestly thought he had my best interests at heart. He never said anything ugly. Never talked down to me. He was always encouraging and his reasoning was very logical to me at the time. It was only in hindsight that I see now when things truly started to go south. They started Day 1 with the first comment about "doing better" for friends.
To make a long story short, a year into our combined home life, I realized he had assumed total control over my life. It made me uneasy and uncomfortable. When I "fought back" for my independence, he never raised his voice. He never raised his hand. He just said no. When I pushed. He just said no. I contemplated leaving for another 3 months. I knew the relationship was going somewhere unhealthy. I knew there was something wrong when a man wants to keep you that isolated. When I finally threw up my hands and said "Enough. I want out. I want my life back to what it was." He calmly left the room. I thought he was leaving before an arguement ensued. (We had never had a "real" fight before)
I was so wrong. So, so wrong. He came back into the room and proceeded to fire 3 shots at me from a 9mm handgun. Only one missed me. The other two hit. I am lucky to be alive and breathing now, seven years later. The first bullet missed my heart by mm's. He is now serving time in the States for attempted murder.
My point in all of this is simple. If I had gotten out when my first instincts told me to, rather than worry about the kids missing him, about what they would think about "another" break up in mom's life, or how I was going to pay the bills, or what would happen with our house, or all the other truly meaningless "what ifs" that kept me there, if I had stopped thinking that somehow things would get better, we could find a therapist, or he would somehow see the light, I wouldn't have had to go through months of rehab, 2 surgeries, years of pain management therapy, as well as the last 7 years of psychological therapy to help me and my children move past it. (My children were home when he shot me)
Before the shooting I just thought he was controling. I didn't think of him as abusive. No one who knew either of us would have ever thought he would shoot me. I never dreamed he would do something so drastic. But he did. And he had every intention of killing me. The first shot was aimed center-mass of my chest. The second was as well, but because I fell down from the first, he missed and it hit me in the side as I fell away from him. The bullets were hollow points. He meant to drop me. He meant for me not to get up.
And the scariest thing? When the US courts ordered that he be evaluated by a psychiatrist prior to going to court? The psychiatrist said in his report that there was nothing wrong with him mentally...he was just mean!!!!
Believe me ladies, if you're in a situation you think you can't get out of? Look at the alternative. Look at what could happen if you don't. It's not easy to get out, but considering the alternative if you don't? There's no mountain too steep, ya know?
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