"I set you free..."

[baldclub]

How about an unofficial poll? Who here:

1. Is still with their new partner surviving the storm of separation/divorce?

2. Has thrown in the towel, not able to focus appropriately on the new relationship vs. the stress of separation/divorce?

Another unproductive settlement conference with my ex, now the Office of the Children's Lawyer (OCL) is to get involved and any more legal movement probably won't be seen until the spring. I am so exhausted and I feel so bad for my children.

I was ready to set free my new partner (15 months together) last weekend so she would not have to be dragged through my financial and emotional duress any longer. It is just not fair to her and her two amazing kids. I just felt so bad for them. Then there are my three great kids being dragged through all of this... they just want Mommy and Daddy to get along like they see my new partner, her ex and I get along.

My partner wants me to keep focusing on my kids and our new family, until the storm passes over, but I understand that this passing is very unlikely after reading your stories here and experiencing the viciousness of my ex's wrath.

I believe the law is mostly a female-centred system, however with its fair share of female exceptions as I read here too. Family law is an unjustice of a scale I had no idea of for 40 years, the battle of our generation.

I still have not paid the ordered child support, I made $22,000 while mostly a stay-at-home dad in 2009; she made over $83, 000. And she lives with her boss who made $90K.

I know, I've heard it before, "I'm not providing for my kids..." I lived out of my car when I had my kids through good and bad weather, with no house, furniture, nothing really. I lived in residence not exactly appropriate for my kids until April 2011, when courtesy a kick-ass partnership with an awesome woman we got a place. I count my pennies every month buying clothes, food, beds etc. for my kids. My father actually lends me his van and I only manage small contributions to the rent. There is no "I" in my budget.

The same day I moved back into town to be close to my kids was the same day I got charged by police for something that 'allegedly' took place two years prior (coincidence?? I think not!). I refused any offer from the crown and actually the charges got stayed, however it still cost big $ for a guy like me in lawyer fee (this I couldn't do without legal representation). It was the fourth time my ex involved the police. I had to go to court to have the judge grant me the permission to take one of my children to see their grandmother and uncle in Switzerland as happened the previous year with another one of my kids. She had even called Border Services to say I was abducting the children.

Two weeks ago the police caught her in a blatant lie and I will need to follow up with my lawyer on the police report, taking again more money away from the kids.

I never imagined how stupid I was, walking away from my former relationship with absolutely nothing, thinking it was the best thing to do for my kids.... Come on, I am a soldier not a frikkin' lawyer, what the hell did I know? I should have actually, because that is exactly what happened to my ex's father too.

Anyway, my girlfriend wants to stay together. I love her dearly and want to do it for her but my heart goes out to her and her kids. It's just not fair.

[standing on the sidelines]

why have you not paid your "ordered child support"? That is only going to get you into more trouble.

It ticks me off when someone is living with someone and tries to justify financial things by mentioning how much the ex spouse and their new partner make but neglect to mention how much their own partner makes. It doesnt matter how much her new partner makes, those are not his kids.

If you feel it is best to end the relationship then end it and dont keep her hanging on.

I never started anything until my stuff was settled and when I did, I made sure that his stuff was settled also. Dont need the stress or the fighting.

[winterwolf7]

My new partner and I both started our separations about the same time and met shortly afterwards. We got involved fairly early on in the battle. No doubt our relationship made both the divorces harder, we don't have a dollar value on it, but the extra legal fees are not trivial not to mention the additional drama from the exs.

However we have managed extremely well, building a very strong and balanced relationship. We added our kids to the mix later and that went well too. Very rewarding to see both of our kids playing together. My separation agreement is done and signed. Hers remains "in progress" but almost all issues have worked themselves out.

However recently CAS was called when her baby came home hurt from the daycare. They have demonized me and cut off all contact between me and the kids for more than two months while they investigate. Because I am not their biological dad, CAS feels no obligation in granting me ANY access at all, supervised or not. They agreed I could see my own son supervised by my ex wife which is like asking me to play with my son in a pool of gasoline while she stands there with a lit match in her hands. I've accepted that anyways so at least I can see him.

Speaking from the experience so far, dealing with crazy jealous ex spouses is nothing compared to what CAS does to your family. With divorce, you have a clear adversary and rules of engagement, and the ultimate threat of court. Against CAS, all of their parental alienation tactics, abductions and emotional abuse of the children are legally sanctioned by the state. You can't take them to court, you can't fight them. Much worse imo.

[Pursuinghappiness]

You don't pay child support for your kids...do you see your kids? And you're cut off from your new partner's children (or child?) because of a CAS report against you from her ex or the daycare?

Yea, that sounds like a mess.

I'm still my new partner...in fact, we're more devoted that ever...its been just over a year for me. Its funny, I was young when I married but I don't remember having the feeling of absolute certainty that I do now with my new guy. The thing about having a partner through a messy divorce is that it does test the mettle and commitment focus of a relationship...however, you have to make sure that you're not staying together because of the "common enemy syndrome"....ie, some people need drama to make a relationship work. Luckily we're both definitely not like that...we're both quiet, private people and we're looking forward to the day that we can be together relaxing with each other without the divorce mess.

If the person you're with now is devoted to you...you can certainly give her the option to leave but she won't decide to do so. Relationships are about the person you choose...and if you believe you've chosen correctly, you are willing to go through a lot of strife and trauma to stay with them.

The only issue with your situation is that you do need to deal with your own divorce/custody mess first and clarify your child support payments. It seems like you're now mixing up more issues in getting involved in her divorce/custody battle and personally I cannot imagine dealing with two court cases and two sets of allegations. One is definitely enough and your commitment should be to your own kids first.

[staysingle]

It's been my experience to wait till the sep/divorce is over with before embarking on a new relationship. Don't beat yourself up
, though, about being involved at this time.

Could you have imagined the insanity of family court beforehand? No

[winterwolf7]

Actually I couldn't imagine facing it all alone. Having the right person at your side makes everything immeasurably easier.

[staysingle]

But what about the stress and strain on your partner and their children?

[wretchedotis]

Start paying.
Find it somehow.
Not paying is like shooting yourself in the foot in the system we have.
Once its established you are not paying - you are a marked man.
I'm not kidding.

[baldclub]

why have you not paid your "ordered child support"? That is only going to get you into more trouble.

It ticks me off when someone is living with someone and tries to justify financial things by mentioning how much the ex spouse and their new partner make

I paid the table amount of child support for the first three months but after not being able to feed them breakfast and supper on my days (I had no kitchen), I decided enough was enough. I kept the money and focused on surviving first and foremost, luckily my kids didn't mind eating at Tim Horton's every week for over a year... yeah, a great diet. I would bring food but when always on the road it's tough, especially fall/winter time.

Also, it ticks you off that I 'justify' financial things by saying she made $83k and him $90, and I made $23? Well, I definitely wish I were in your shoes and you in mine then. I expect no one to pay for my kids, this is not what it's about. It's about how her costs are lowered immensely, it's about greed and pettiness, it's about my kids who slept three in one bed because that is all I had at my father's later on in the year while having their own king size bed at their mother's.

My partner to come into this picture until six months ago, I went a long time on my own just focused on my kids and survival. It was literally survival with times less than $10 in the bank days before pay day. I will relate my partner's wage at the right time of the story, but while I speak about the first two years of separation I will keep it out.

[baldclub]

You don't pay child support for your kids...do you see your kids? And you're cut off from your new partner's children (or child?) because of a CAS report against you from her ex or the daycare?

Yea, that sounds like a mess.

I see my kids every week, about two weekends a month and a minimum of a day a week. The only CAS involvement was when I contacted them after revelations from my children about the mother's new partner. Tough call but had to be done for my kids, don't really care how ex saw it.

Some misunderstanding Pursuinghappiness, I have a rock solid relationship with my new partner, her two girls and her ex (he brings me coffee sometimes and we'll have some beer together).

[baldclub]

It's been my experience to wait till the sep/divorce is over with before embarking on a new relationship. Don't beat yourself up, though, about being involved at this time.

Could you have imagined the insanity of family court beforehand? No

My kids never met any women I dated for over a year and a half I would say, they just knew I was focused on them only. My ex was pregnant before I even left house, before the guy moved in and they're both nurses lol, you would think they would know better! Nothing is as it meets the eye, that's for sure. He's got several kids with three other women too, it's a real Jerry Springer show I tell you.

No, this kind of insanity was nowhere in any of my worst nightmares...

[baldclub]

Start paying.
Find it somehow.
Not paying is like shooting yourself in the foot in the system we have.
Once its established you are not paying - you are a marked man.
I'm not kidding.

I know you are right. I've been told a million times before. I know it will come back to haunt me but as I have said, my choices were even more desperate than that, it was really that bad.

I have no idea why FRO has not garnished my wages in so long, they got on her boyfriend right away for his child support long long ago. I only spoke to them once, I figure after that the lady I was dealing with somehow put my folder at the bottom of the pile.

[Kenny]

The only thing I can say about this unofficial poll is that it is very hard.

I went through the whole initial separation and divorce on my own. After all, nobody really understood it; I certainly didn't.

I waited for my divorce issues to settle down and let the healing process work (eight years) before I found a new partner. I have been with her now for three years plus. Now that custody and support is in a major state of war, it is good to have a supporting partner that understands.

Also, in addition to the comments about this post, I have ALWAYS paid my child support. Even though my ex-wife blew it on every vice imaginable besides the kids and ended-up providing the items directly to them that child support was suppose to pay for, I always put the kids first. My ex did not put them first in the marriage, didn't put them first in divorce and now has not put them before her own selfish needs since she lost custody.

My ex-wife is a deadbeat mother, through and through, without any doubt!

In closing, I think the horrors of a high conflict divorce prohibit someone from getting the most out of a relationship, as was, and still is to some degree, in my own newer partner.

[first timer]

In response to your poll: its #1
I am happily remarried to my new partner (been together for 4 years, married for 2.5 years). We not only survived the storm of separation/divorce but thrived through it. We met shortly after my separation. She was hesitant but took a chance on me for which I will be forever grateful. The timing may not have been ideal but having found the love of my life, I have no regrets. On a side note: my wife and ex are incredibly civil and friendly towards one another, they enjoy each others company and can talk for hours when they are together and its never about me but about themselves and their experiences and our kids of course. I find it to be something unexpected and so do most when they find out how these 2 women know each other.

[baldclub]

That is great to hear first timer, there is some sanity in what seems a totally crazy world at times.