Who feels like a fish out of water?

[Pursuinghappiness]

MayMay:

I'm very sorry. I think is one of the casualties of divorce to have to deal with this stuff...its very unforunate. Its often a "winner take all" game and the "winner" is often the spouse who's bitter, angry, and spreads trash about the other one. A lot of people live to engage in drama and judgement of others. It gives them a sense of superiority and I also think its partially a fear-based reaction. Divorce is a scary thought to married couples.

For me, throughout this process I haven't been interested in campaigning for people to be on my side. My friends and family have gravitated to me because they ultimately trust who I am...and frankly, that's all I need. I was out with my bf one night for dinner and saw one of the parents from my kid's school at the restaurant. A person that I barely know who my stbx speaks to regularly who glared at me throughout dinner and frankly, I really didn't care at all. I am so happy to be finally getting divorced that despite the trauma of the transition its better than the alternative of staying in my horrible marriage.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing though because the lies they tell get really old after a while and people find new things to concentrate on. New people will get divorced..life will go on.

You have my very best wishes.

[May_May]

Thanks Sax...
1) Yes I agree it will come back one day
2) Thanks ! They are only part of the hockey scene and I do not socialize with these people outside of hockey. I have always kept the two separate (and in hindsight I'm glad I did).

My chin is up, back straight, breasts out high ! ha...

[Sax]

All I can say to that is 2 things
1) what your stbx did will come around and bite him in the ass. Mine did that and truly, it doesn't work in the end
2) I get the hockey scene, my son played right up to Jr B...who gives a rats ass about those people. They will cease to be your social life eventually!

Keep your chin up!!

[May_May]

Pursuinghappiness...I hear you. Unfortunately my stbx has apparently been telling 'false' truths to friends on my kids hockey team. These are people we've associated with for over 7 years and see each other 5-7 x/week when hockey is in season. He has taken no blame apparently, and I had multiple people walk away from me, ignore me, not say hello in return last week when I went in and said hi to everyone.

I will not retaliate, and badmouth him. It's unfortunate people pick sides and I think inappropriate especially where the children are involved. I will continue to say to these people and hopefully one day they will realize they should have asked my stbx how he was also responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. Sigh...

Until then...I feel like I'm in the penalty bench/box...
There are multiple friends that I have lost due to this breakdown unfortunately, and again because of stories from the father of my children ! But I will sleep knowing I'm not trashing him to these people

Good luck !

[Pursuinghappiness]

All good ideas that should be done regardless of marital happiness if that is what one needs to be fulfilled. Why do some people not do this until after their marriage fails?

LOL..i did do all of those things. I just did them alone and now I have a partner to do them with. Its nice to actually go for a run with someone else for a change. I wasn't referring to myself, I was responding to an earlier poster who said this:

Does anyone know how I can find local divorce support groups? I am not looking for counselling, just some places where I can talk to others in the same situation. Liike this foum, only in real life.

As for this:

guess you were not in charge of that aspect of your life until now.

Of course I wasn't...I was with my husband before I was 20...most people are relatively unsure about who exactly they are and what path they are going to take at that age. And frankly, even at 40, I'm sure I still have lots of thing to learn and grow about...most people do. Part of maturing is realizing that you know a lot less than you thought you did.

Its too bad people let a marriage go bad, or stay in one that should not be, because they do not take charge of their fulfillment and happiness.

Like many people, I stayed in my marriage because I had obligations and because I wanted to make sure I made an effort to try. No one can tell you when to get a divorce..its something you do when you are personally ready to go through it. I did it when I felt that way. I know a lot of people who are on the fence to divorce for a long time before they actually do it for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with them being out of control of their own lives. There are many considerations, divorce is a big decision and shouldn't be undertaken lightly because it doesn't just affect you. It has the potential to affect many people longterm. If I did everything in my life based on what I want, need or my own self-interest...things would be a lot more simplistic than they are...I agree with you there.

[billm]

...I realize now at my far more advanced age that you can't ignore whole pieces of yourself to meet other needs and expect not to have issues with your life not being fulfilling later.

I guess you were not in charge of that aspect of your life until now.

Change is a constant. Its part of life and how you deal with it determines the type of person you are. No one is "in charge of life"..it throws you constant curves. People that think they are in control tend to amuse me actually. I prefer being adaptable to holding onto the illusion that I control anything. Divorce means change...it just is part of the process.

Well whatever you call it, "in charge", or "not ignoring whole pieces of yourself", that is what is needed and it seems you have achieved that. My point was that I have always lived that way, so when my marriage ended, I didn't need to change anything else.

The difference is being a passenger and let the changes control you, or being the pilot of your life and handling the changes (and the constants) in a way that you are fulfilled. Its too bad people let a marriage go bad, or stay in one that should not be, because they do not take charge of their fulfillment and happiness.

Join a support group..make new friends, try meetup.com or a social networking site. Do new things, take lots of walks, exercise more.

All good ideas that should be done regardless of marital happiness if that is what one needs to be fulfilled. Why do some people not do this until after their marriage fails?

You don't know me. Assumptions about anyone, especially here, are at best just a wild guess...try to keep that in mind.

Okay.

[Pursuinghappiness]

dump your ex and all your friends, change your life totally and start again - that'll make me finally happy!

First, I didn't dump any of my friends actually. We had separate ones. We led very separate lives in general. His family..my family..his friends...my friends...etc. I can't count on one hand the number of times we socialized together during the last years of our marriage and when we did, it was invariably a disaster. I love all my friends and still have them...he has his. My issue is that like previous posters, he's been running around trying to badmouth me to the neighbors, people I don't know..even tried with my family although that didn't work out for him. I didn't love my house or neighborhood because I had obviously unhappy memories there.

Second, I was always happy actually. Just not with my marriage. That's part of the reason I'm divorcing. He tends to be very down and pessimistic which I never understood and it got worse and worse with time. I cannot live like that. I like making the best of a bad situation not making it worse by bitching about it endlessly. I'm not divorcing him to find happiness...I'm divorcing him because over time we became completely incompatible. It became more and more of an issue as our children got older.

Hopefully you can fix your friend and partner picker as you have proclaimed it to be broken.

I married when I was very young...and I tried to fix it, work on it for a long time, finally we ended up just living separate lives. When I turned 40, I realized that I didn't want to live "fake" anymore and wanted to have some hope in finding a real partnership. And that's what I did. I celebrate the first year with my new guy tomorrow. He's wonderful and there's absolutely nothing wrong with my man picker...I'm just older and know what I want and need more these days. I realize now at my far more advanced age that you can't ignore whole pieces of yourself to meet other needs and expect not to have issues with your life not being fulfilling later.

no changes were necessary there because I'm in charge of that part of my life and always have been.

Change is a constant. Its part of life and how you deal with it determines the type of person you are. No one is "in charge of life"..it throws you constant curves. People that think they are in control tend to amuse me actually. I prefer being adaptable to holding onto the illusion that I control anything. Divorce means change...it just is part of the process.

You don't know me. Assumptions about anyone, especially here, are at best just a wild guess...try to keep that in mind.

[billm]

The problem with cancer is that to remove it, you have to cut out or kill more than you wanted to. But getting rid of cancer so that you can live and live well is worth it.

That's the attitude I had going into my divorce. I was willing to tolerate anything I had to in order to get out of my diseased, dysfunctional marriage for me and my children and I still have the same attitude today despite the horrors of the divorce process.

Have faith that it will get better. Join a support group..make new friends, try meetup.com or a social networking site. Do new things, take lots of walks, exercise more.

Despite all the nonsense of my stbx running around like he's running for Mayor trying to sway all the neighbors that I couldn't care less about to his side, I really must say that I love the changes that are happening. I'm am honestly happier and more hopeful than I can ever remember being.

He is bitter, angry and mired in the past...and I'm far more interested in looking forward into my future.

I have always scratched my head at people taking sides during a divorce...no one can possibly understand the dynamics of two people in a relationship....most of the time, they don't even understand each other. Its a stupid thing to do and I have zero interest in relationships with stupid people. So I guess that part doesn't bother me. I know what happened during my marriage and I'm the only one that has to. I'm not embarrassed to be getting divorced, I was far more embarrassed of the husband that I had. So for me, I couldn't care less what other people think...never did care.

You need to be ok with yourself and have hope for the future. I have my children, my family, and, by the way, the dog likes me better too.

I'm more than a little leery of dating women with this 'fresh start' attitude - dump your ex and all your friends, change your life totally and start again - that'll make me finally happy! Marriage didn't work - fine, but why change everything else? Seems like more of a problem with the person doing all the changes, than the friends and life left behind.

My marriage is over but I still love my neighbourhood, my friends (have not lost one of them), my job, my life - no changes were necessary there because I'm in charge of that part of my life and always have been.

Hopefully you can fix your friend and partner picker as you have proclaimed it to be broken.

[Pursuinghappiness]

The problem with cancer is that to remove it, you have to cut out or kill more than you wanted to. But getting rid of cancer so that you can live and live well is worth it.

That's the attitude I had going into my divorce. I was willing to tolerate anything I had to in order to get out of my diseased, dysfunctional marriage for me and my children and I still have the same attitude today despite the horrors of the divorce process.

Have faith that it will get better. Join a support group..make new friends, try meetup.com or a social networking site. Do new things, take lots of walks, exercise more.

Despite all the nonsense of my stbx running around like he's running for Mayor trying to sway all the neighbors that I couldn't care less about to his side, I really must say that I love the changes that are happening. I'm am honestly happier and more hopeful than I can ever remember being.

He is bitter, angry and mired in the past...and I'm far more interested in looking forward into my future.

I have always scratched my head at people taking sides during a divorce...no one can possibly understand the dynamics of two people in a relationship....most of the time, they don't even understand each other. Its a stupid thing to do and I have zero interest in relationships with stupid people. So I guess that part doesn't bother me. I know what happened during my marriage and I'm the only one that has to. I'm not embarrassed to be getting divorced, I was far more embarrassed of the husband that I had. So for me, I couldn't care less what other people think...never did care.

You need to be ok with yourself and have hope for the future. I have my children, my family, and, by the way, the dog likes me better too.

[billm]

...
I've given up on my old friends. Even if they now contact me, I ignore them. I am polite towards them, but ya know ... if they weren't around when I needed them most then they weren't true friends to begin with. I've started making new friends. Sadly it'll take years to form a deep relationship, the type I *thought* I had with my friends.
...

I find this odd - how does he know his 'new' friends will be any better than his 'old' friends - they are the same.

The problem is that his life changed, not his friends, but when his friends were not able to help him, he dumps them and looks for a deep relationship with others thinking magically they will be better friends, when he is the one doing the dumping - silly rabbit.

[Sax]

Wow. We all feel the same!! I'm back in my old town this week and I feel like I don't belong. I feel uncomfortable.

[uwbrother]

So glad to see I am not the only one. I am happy I posted, I feel much better now.

I've given up on my old friends. Even if they now contact me, I ignore them. I am polite towards them, but ya know ... if they weren't around when I needed them most then they weren't true friends to begin with. I've started making new friends. Sadly it'll take years to form a deep relationship, the type I *thought* I had with my friends.

Does anyone know how I can find local divorce support groups? I am not looking for counselling, just some places where I can talk to others in the same situation. Liike this foum, only in real life.

[momof6]

It has been 5 years for me. About three weeks after separating, my ex assaulted me. One of our couple friends bailed him out of jail.. I was horrified. Then he lived with her. Would not pay child support.

When I spoke to our friend, she would not discuss anything with me. It hurt so much. When she had divorced, she cried on my shoulder and we had taken our kids away to have a little holiday. I always supported her.

So, now, I have run into this couple and I walk straight up to them and be very nice and polite. We will never be friends, but I am at the point where I can hold my head high and not have an emotional response when seeing them.

[May_May]

I agree...I am starting to feel like a fish more out of water as each day goes along.

I'm losing friends each day sadly...What a shame. Mostly due to immaturity from my ex and lies he is telling everyone to make himself look good. Sigh...We are all in the same boat and it looks like it's part of the process. The process that sucks !

[samej]

It's opposite for me. I pretended it was no big deal and had normal few months. My family went out of their way to help me, and they still do. But I didn't need emotional help (so I thought). My dad even commented on how amazingly well I took it.

But as time passes by, I get worse. It's actually less about separation (I went through all stages of grief already, I think ). I actually enjoyed alone time. But my depression now comes from the fact that I feel abandoned by my friends. Noone we know h as really been divorced, so they didn't know how to deal with it. But they've basically just left me, it seems. I go days without any communication with my "friends". Now I am at a point where I barely sleep 2-3 hours a night and therefore, can hardly perform at work.

In a strange way, for me it was less about my wife's repeated cheating and the sense of betrayal and the feeling of being abandoned. I am having a real hard time dealing with the feeling of being abandoned by my friends. I was married for 10 years so their wives are friends with my wives, perhaps that has something to do with it. But I was hoping at least a couple of them (ya know, ones I was friends with for years and years before either of us got in a relationship) would be there for me.

I didn't mean to vent, but just throwing out that ya, I do feel like a fish out of water even though for the first many months I didn't.

Y'all are making me stress even more! I feel the same way about friends. So much of our Ottawa friends are married couples, and my stbx is the primary link - she ran my social life for decades. It's going to feel like I just moved to Ottawa for the fist time when I finally get my place - there are very few friends who I've be comfortable calling up as her ex.

I will really have to force myself to get out and meet people - join some clubs, take some classes, whatever. I already feel like a fish out of water.