Get over it..it was not a real affair, just an emotional one

[tiredDad]

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. In the last few years she has had emotional affairs with other men where more effort was being by her to nurture those relationships instead of ours. After breaking off her last one in April, she advises me that she now wants to start communicating again with the person but I should not worry as he lives in another country so what could possibly happen?!?

I know that it takes two to nurture a relationship but I am simply tired about the negative impacts this is having on me and the kids (17, 14 and 12). I am thinking that separating from her may be in order but have no idea if this is right or how to go about it.

So where do I go now?

[blinkandimgone]

Depends what direction you want to go in.

One option is to try and find out what she's getting from those relationships and not from yours, work on fixing that and stay together.

Another option is to review your financial situation and what it will cost both you and her to get divorced and where that will leave each of you for the future. You can do the work yourself or find a lawyer for a freee consult.

Nobody can tell you what the right decision is for you but good luck!

[Mess]

You are either getting a sufficient emotional affair from her yourself or you are not.

If you are happy with your relationship with her, your needs are fulfilled, then the fact that she connects with other people would be less of an issue. If you aren't getting what you need, then the relationship is empty.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Don't Ignore It

tiredDad:

The first question I'd ask is 'Why/How do you know about this?' Is it something she told you or something you snooped around and found out? If its something she told you, in my opinion its a cry for both of you to spend some time on your marriage. If its something you snuck around and found out...you may have more of a problem. I think for every cockroach you see, there's 1000 more hiding in the walls. Emotional affairs are often the first step...the preparation...to a real one. Its like doing a market survey before you actually go out and sell something. The likelihood that she's investing that much time and energy into something that she's not considering is pretty slim.

That being said, I wouldn't just ignore it and let her do it. People have needs...and emotional ones, for some people, are as important as eating or breathing. If her emotional/intimacy needs are not being met, she'll find other outlets to meet them (often unhealthy ones) and possibly throw your marriage out the window in doing so. That's what happens with a lot of longterm marriages. What's not important to you, may be very very important to her. Kids are lovely but they do not fill all your emotional needs and she may legimately need something that your relationship hasn't provided. It also sounds like your needs are being neglected also.

Try leaving blame and accusations out of the equation and seriously sitting down with her to discuss what she needs out of your relationship and what you need. Try to figure out if you're just in a rut or you seriously have compatibility problems that are going to lead to a longterm relationship breakdown. What's important to her might not be important to you and vice versa. You need to rank your needs against the other persons and find out if you have an issue. Here's some compatibility factors to consider:

1. Personality Compatibility: Do you really get along, or find that you are silently irritated with the other person's personality? Are you uptight and your date is laid back? Think about if and how you will handle difficult days. Personality is a very important factor, and the most difficult to change.
2. Communication Compatibility: Are you direct or indirect? Does one of you do all the talking? Is one of you the silent type? Look at your conversations. Decide if they flow, and if they are enjoyable for you.
3. Friends and Family Compatibility: Do you get along with one another's friends and family, or is this a source of stress for your relationship?
4. Health and Nutrition Compatibility: Are you a health food nut or a junk food junkie? Is the only exercise you get channel surfing? Look at if your health-related lifestyles match or not.
5. Financial Compatibility: Are you generous or frugal with your money? How is your partner with their finances? Money is one of the things couples fight about most often. If you share similar financial goals and means, this can be very helpful.
6. Educational Compatibility: Some studies have found that educational and world experience compatibility are important to many couples. People tend to feel the most comfortable with others who share similar life experiences, professional opportunities, and world views.
7. Intimate Compatibility: Ideas for romance, intimacy and closeness come into play here. One example is PDA (not a hand-held computer) but Public Display Of Affection. You may love to hug and kiss in public, and your date may think it's just wrong. Having a mismatched style can lead to resentments and have a long-term effect on your love life together.

I would then maybe try to sit down with someone...a counsellor or therapist..and determine whether or not you should continue or find some amicable way to dissolve your marriage if necessary. You owe it to yourself and your family to try to exhaust all avenues and if you can't find a way to stay married...to find the most amicable way to end it.

[AnarX]

Your marriage died long ago. Go see a divorce lawyer before your wife does. Your wife is setting a bad example and you tolerating it is no good either. She deserves to be kicked out of the cave.

Just out of curiosity, which one of you started refusing sex first?

[Pursuinghappiness]

AnarX: I totally disagree with that advice. You don't leave a 25-year old marriage without turning over every stone first. You owe it to each other and to your kids.

Its really simplistic to suggest that affairs are only one spouse's responsibility. While its always wrong to step outside of your marriage...I've known both women and men who have done it out of sheer desperation and escapism because of severe issues in marriage that the other partner won't even acknowledge, let alone fix.

Divorce is brutal. Its emotionally crippling for spouses and children and financially it can destroy you.

I'm not suggesting that any marriage with these kinds of problems always can be fixed..but sometimes they can..and it should be attempted first.

My brother's wife had an affair 8 years ago...they reconciled and are one of the happiest married couples I know...because they concentrate on their marriage every single day. The affair changed their focus and woke them both up to what their expectations in marriage actually were.

Sex and intimacy problems are generally a SYMPTOM of something else going on inside the relationship...and you have no idea what that might be. He should definitely make every attempt to save his marriage while preparing for the eventuality that he might get divorced.

At least if he does get divorced, he can do it with a clean slate knowing that he tried every other option first. In talking about their problems, he might be able to also find an amicable way to divorce if that's what it comes to.

[AnarX]

AnarX: I totally disagree with that advice. You don't leave a 25-year old marriage without turning over every stone first. You owe it to each other and to your kids.

Thanks for your opinion but not everybody shares the same moral code. Welcome to the planet!

Its really simplistic to suggest that affairs are only one spouse's responsibility.

That was not what I suggested and that is why I asked him a question.

While its always wrong to step outside of your marriage...

No it is not.
Now your opinions are getting really boring. I have stopped reading the rest of your post. You have lost a lot of credibility in my eyes. I hope your post provides insight to people who share your moral perspective on life. Good luck..... to them!

[Pursuinghappiness]

AnarX:

lol..I don't give a rat's ass if I lose credibility to you...believe me, your opinion of my credibility is meaningless.

Bottom line, its not a "moral opinion"....just a common sense one. When you're married for 25 years, have 3 kids, and have a marital issue...you obvious make a serious attempt to fix it before getting divorced because divorce can be as much of a problem as it is a solution. Especially for the children you're supposed to take care of. This guy has 25 years in and kids and your first solution is to get a divorce without trying to even work it out first...that's f'ing retarded.

Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness
While its always wrong to step outside of your marriage...

It IS wrong to have an emotional or real affair before you try to fix your marital problems first. Again, this isn't a moral opinion...just common sense...because in a 25-year old marriage, communication often fails...and you should attempt to fix it first before you cheat. If you're not willing to work anything out when you have issues...why the hell get married in the first place?

[rwm1273]

The only reason to try to salvage this relationship is because it will cost him too much to end it.

Too bad we don't have fault in our divorce laws. If there were, then this woman would be held accountable for her actions.

[May_May]

Can I recommend maybe taking her out for a romantic dinner, or making one at home with candles and wine...maybe after having a couple of drinks she will open up and discuss what she is not getting emotionally from your marriage and you can both work on it or fix it.
Perhaps both of you could together write a list with the top 2 things you would like to change with your relationship, and end with the top 10 things you love about your relationship ! (not children based...just about the two of you). It's worth a shot, and gets you both focusing on the positive !
Good luck...I am all for salvaging your marriage if you can !

[Pierre]

I think you should discuss. Emotional affairs are not a good thing. Basically what happened to me. I should not have let it go. Emotional affairs often turn into physical ones, may not be with the same person. There's a reason for the affair. If you want to salvage because of kids (always a good reason) or because it can cost more down the road, do it. When I was an early teenager, my parents did it, stayed married a total of 57 years.

The discussion will tell you if you should stay together or not. It's your last chance otherwise, as Arnax says, it's over.

[tiredDad]

[quote=Pierre;71844]I think you should discuss. Emotional affairs are not a good thing. Basically what happened to me. I should not have let it go.

Pierre...were you the one having the emotional affair or was it your partner?

[Pierre]

It was her. Then it turned into physical with other men much closer by. That's why I should have said something even though the initial emotional affair was with a guy at the other end of the country. A warning I guess to all that what may first seem innocent can turn into something not so innocent.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Pierre:

I agree and that's why I said for every cockroach you see, there's 1000 hiding in the walls. Its like doing research before you write the book.

Plus, everytime she's online with someone other than her husband..she's taking time and energy away from fixing their marital issues and time away from her kids.

Every situation is different but sometimes a spouse is looking for some emotional intimacy maybe they aren't getting in their marriage. I'm at the age where a lot of my women friends are getting divorced...and in longer marriages, it seems lack of communication, intimacy and emotional connection (aside from money arguments) is one of the main threads I hear. Researchers are finding out that sex/intimacy in longterm marriages is extremely important. It releases "bonding" hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin...which help create pair bonding and monogamy. If a couple is breaking down and its affecting their sex life...statistically you are more likely to have big issues on the horizon. Ignoring it really puts your marriage in peril.

Tireddad, I really hope you can talk to her, work on your marriage together and stay happily married for the next 25 years. Good luck to you!

[Sax]

Emotional Affairs should not be taken lightly.