Dealing with lies and deceit

[amin99]

I always heard jokes about lawyers, and thought there were just jokes. But my current experience has really thrown a curve ball at me.

How do you folks deal with all the lies and slandering that goes on in divorce proceedings. I know that alot of the lies, slander and deciet is coming from my Ex. but I know that he is getting alot of amunition and ideas from his lawyer. It makes me want to scream when I sit there in court and listen to the untruths coming out of his lawyers mouth, or when I read his affidavits, or OCL report with lame excuses that blame me for every problem in the marriage and make outright lies. This has been going on from the beginning.

It's very sad, and it does hurt. How do you ever maintain a positive parenting partnership with someone who has tried to rip your character to shreds? I don't want to even see his face.....I have zero respect.

How do you forgive? I am very angry. I know I have to forgive and move on...it's very difficult.

[dinkyface]

Speaking as a third party in this...my personal opinion is that you do not need to forgive. You just accept that this is who this person is (it has nothing to do with you), and separate yourself emotionally. The difficult and necessary part for co-parenting is to realise that in spite of all that, your kids love him, and he is important to them, and he can still be a good parent to them.

Another comment... I'm sure the judge will NOT appreciate having to read junk about blaming. Hopefully a lot of what he is submitting is irrelevant to your case. Is there any need to respond i.e. are there material facts about property, finances, childraising, roles that he is lying about? If so, just submit your own facts, and point out as simply as possible where he is lying.

[NBDad]

Despite popular opinion, most judges are not stupid. The kind of thing your ex is stooping too is neither uncommon nor original.

Don't play the he said - she said game, any allegations he makes are either going to have to be substantiated, or they won't be given a lot of weight. He can claim anything he likes, the courts will take unsubstantiated allegations with a grain of salt, and barring that you can always make the request for independent studies to determine who is the more suitable situation.

It's been said over and over and over again on these forums, but there are only a few very common sense things you must do:

1. Stay child focused...this is the first and foremost thing you should be doing, it's also the most difficult by a substantial margin.

2. Limit any non-verifiable contact with your ex until you have a finalized order in place. This means don't do anything verbally. Except in the event of an emergency ALL communications should be done via verifiable medium. (Email is probably your most common one)

3. Document, document, document. Keep a journal. If you have dealings with CPS, the police, etc, get their name (and in the case of police, their badge number and the file number (factoid: ALL police involvement requires paperwork, which has it's own unique file number...they can't give you a copy of the report, BUT the court can order a copy if it deems necessary))

4. Move forward like you would be going to court, but keep in mind you probably WON'T make it there. 95%+ of cases NEVER go to court and are typically settled before reaching that point.

[billiechic]

I am going through this too. Despite 2 offers my ex hired a lawyer with a reputation for shredding people to bits. His affidavit was at least 50% lies and he didn't write it. I saw him reading it before court then signing it.

It hurts, it really does. But you have to put that aside and focus on getting through it. You will have to deal with the hurt, but don't let him see that it hurts you, because that is what he wants.

It's much easier to say than do. I will admit to asking him why he would say such nasty things. Seems he sees a little bit of truth in them and let his lawyer run them to ridiculous conclusions. You have to remember that he also has feelings and this will affect his judgement and if he is not acting maturely that is what happens. Just do your best to stay focussed and deal with your hurt in private or talk to someone you trust.

[brigitte]

I'm glad for this post. NBdad, very well said. I have difficulty with lies and deceit as well. One thing that is helping me, is treating my separation as a business. Only write non emotional facts. Lawyers do what they do best.... make their clients look good.

[dhutch]

When my husband went through divorce precedings with his ex, the judge told her lawyer to shut up at one point!! She was making up lies and stories that had nothing to do with the task at hand. The judge didn't want to hear BS!! It's funny that outside the court room all the lawyers seemed to buddies.

[UNLUCKYLADY]

What is the point of throwing mud?

The law is the law - 50/50 split in most states/provinces; no matter who *did* what - the judge doesn't care!!

[billiechic]

For most people the "throwing mud" is not about the financial division but the kids. IMHO it is worth it to do EVERYTHING you can to get what is best for your kids. The person who is going to "lose" gets desperate and acts irrationally.

If you have a solid case and are a good parent you don't need to stoop to those tactics. But many do. Check your emotions at the door please.