Advice Anyone?....

[KTollef]

Hello Everyone,

I was wondering if you could give me advice.
My parents desperately need a divorce.
Let me explain my situation:

My dad is a heavy alcoholic, picking fights and breaking stuff when drunk, or not coming home at all and going to the local bars to gamble. And to top it off my dad got another DUI (maybe his 5th or so). I had to change my grade 12 schedule to drive him to and from work.

I don't know why my mom has put up for it as long as she had. My parents have been married unhappily for many years now. But they had a truce that they could still be civil to each other for my sisters and my sake.

In the last year our family has been ripped apart.

It all started in January, my parents had some family friends come over and were all drinking heavily. Some time after some had left, my dad had gone to bed my mom went and got blankets for the one man staying, a close family friend. He was one of my moms best friends. He had been upset over a never moving relationship and was crying so my mom was comforting him. And some time through the conversation gave him a kiss. She was totally in the wrong and should have gone to bed when my dad did. Therefore my dad walked out as she kissed him.

I understand that my dad had every right to feel betrayed, hurt, mad etc. But the measures he went through to make our lives all miserable were uncalled for. He told me that my mom is and always has been a cheating wore and did everything in his power to turn my sisters and me against her. He bought my sisters stuff, let them do whatever they wanted, made my mom look like the bad guy. My sisters actually hated my mom for awhile. Treated her like dirt. He started drinking more heavily, which I never thought possible. He continually picked fights, was drunk everyday, was miserable to everyone and told the whole town my mom was a cheating whore.

My mom defended herself of course, told people what had happened. But it was really hard to live at home. My parents started trying to make each other mad by staying out later, not telling where one another was etc.

This is still going on today, but worse. Neither parent will leave the farm. It is my moms farm, in her name, which she lived in since she was 18 before she had even met my dad. She doesn't want to let him have it, as well as we are not financially able to move anywhere else. My moms job pays for my sisters and mine extracurricular activities and schooling plus some bills and other necessities.

My dad has been apparently paying bills, but we always get phone calls that our power etc is about to be cut off and my mom has to rush in to pay the bill. My dad says that he is not going to leave the house, that he is not going to pay anything and just live for free. That its about time my mom did something. Which is bull.

Now my dad has taken to threatening to kill us. He specifically told me sister last night that the only way he was leaving the house is if he put a bullet in my moms head. My mom had to take my sister and leave our house for the night.

I try to give my mom advice, but there is only so much I can do. I am currently going to school two hours away from home. It scares me that when I call the house there is no answer and I wonder if he has hurt them. I don't think he would, but in a drunken rage anyone is capable of anything. And i personally think that my dad is unstable. Two days ago he drank 30 beer in one day without food.

My mom has told me she needs to start looking for a new place, but we can't afford it. I really just want my dad out of the picture but with the legal system today we will end up having to sell and move anyways and try to start anew. Its hard. And its harder for me because i always am in the middle of the arguement. They always complained on side or the other to me and I find it so stressful that I need to just talk. Even typing this now releases some of the stress I have.

So if you have any advice on what I should do, please help me. If not thats a okay too!

Thanks for reading,
KTollef

[doingmybest]

wow. First off, you need to make sure you and your sister are safe. You said you are two hours away...where is your sister? Just make sure you two are out of that house and safe. Whether she moves with you, stays with relatives or friends or a womens shelter...if he has threatened to kill you all and is drinking and unstable...get out.

As for your mom and dad, they are adults and it is unfortunate that they are not acting like adults. The alcohol, obviously, has caused many problems. From a safe distance you can continue to encourage your dad seeks help. But he will need to make the decision to follow through on his own. Your mom needs to move out for her safety, again a womens shelter or a friend/relative. But you can't control people.....

You can start documenting events and happenings, if your mom will not help herself, at least you will have an accurate record with dates etc of what is going on, so that if your mom does go to court for a divorce she has some documentation. She would not lose her farm, if it is in her name and was hers prior to marriage, it should stay hers. There must be a reason she is afraid or something to file for divorce? You also can phone the police, if you father is really drunk and being abusive, they should come and pick him up....

I feel for you and what you are dealing with. Hopefully others will give you some helpful advise.
But really...just make sure you and your sister are safe.

Good luck.

[standing on the sidelines]

the one comment you made about it being worse because they are EACH trying to make the other mad by staying out later etc kind of makes it seem like they are both trying piss the other off. Abused women do not do things that will piss the abuser off. It sounds more like a tit for tat situation. Basically your parents were somewhat okay until your mother kissed the friend. Only your mother and the friend know how far it went. It may have just been the kiss or maybe more. Maybe she has been cheating but that still doesn't make your fathers treatment of the family right.

If your father is threatening to kill the family then go to the police. They can have him removed from the house if they think he is a danger.

As for being put in the middle, everytime one wants to bad mouth the other just tell them that you are not a therapist and they should seek qualified help, then change the conversation.

Also get some help for yourself because this is causing you great stress and is probably affecting your life because you want to solve their problems but cannot.

[billiechic]

WOW, I can't believe you are carrying all that on your shoulders. What your parents are doing to you and your sisters is horrible. I understand they are both hurt, but by staying together and acting that way they are causing damage to themselves and all of you. Have you spoken to a counsellor at school? I think you need to speak to someone, this is NOT your fault, and you cannot fix it.

You can encourage both of them to seek help, and get your mom to speak to someone at the womens shelter. They willl be able to help her make a safety plan and probably get her legal advice on how she can have your dad removed from the house (for safety reasone) and how she can keep her farm. It sounds like their relationship is so volatile right now that they need a separation. Maybe then they can work on themselves and maybe then go to marriage counselling. You haven't said whether you think they still love each other, or whether there actually is hope for their marriage.
If both of your parents refuse to get help, you might want to spend a little time researching their options for them. Then you will have some info when they are ready to get help.

But don't make this your focus. Do what you can to help, and remember that you (and your younger sisters) are your priority. Please speak to a counsellor at school, a threat like your dad has made needs to be taken seriously. The counsellor will help you deal with this and if you need help getting caught up at school they should be able to arrange it.

Good luck KTollef. You are a strong woman and you are not alone. Please let us know how things progress.

[KTollef]

Thank You Billiechic!
I have told my mom that the farm isn't worth a broken family that hates each other and I believe she is going to see a lawyer. She says she will. But the thing will be if she actually follows through or not. I think I may also have her in agreement about finding a new place. I guess we will see.

And standing on the sidelines, nowhere did I say my dad beat us or touch us. It is his unstable threats that are getting worse and worse. And I know my mother only kissed the friend. She openly came to me and explained the situation. She told me stories about her and my father from eve before they were married, that weren't all love and happiness and she revealed things a parent usually wouldn't reveal to a child about the past. And believe me, I do tell them to deal with it themselves, to grow up and fix it if they don't like it. But it doesn't stop them from talking.

Doingmybest, Thank you.
I would love to make sure my sisters were safe, but I live two hours away from my hometown and family now going to college. I repeatedly tell me mom to move out and deal with everything once she is away, but one of her concerns is that if we leave my dad will do something drastic, ie. kill himself, burn down the house and well as my sisters turning on her (but they are suddenly realizing the situation). As well as some of her friends and family think it is better for her to wait it out then go through the courts and whatnot. So it makes her double think everything even more. And unfortunately my dad doesn't think his drinking is a problem, we have tried to talk to him countless times.

And isn't it if you are married that the far would legally be half his? This is what I have been told. I tried to recommend that she sell the farm to her brother until the battle was over and then buy it back type thing. But she said she couldn't due to the fact he was living there for so many years as a married couple.

Thank you for your advice everyone! I will definitely use it!

[standing on the sidelines]

He may not hit or beat you but that is not the only form of abuse. Abuse covers physical but also mental, verbal and emotional abuse.

For your mother to tell you stories about how bad things were before then even got married, one has to wonder why she would marry him in the first place. I am sure that he probably has a few stories of his own. To lay that kind of crap on your child and put them in the middle is total crap.

I hate to say this but you are way too involved in your parents marriage. Sure you are their kid but when they start talking about the personal stuff then walk away. They have to be the adults and either work through their problems or start divorce proceedings. If your mother leaves whatever your father does is of this own doing. If he burns down the house then he gets nailed for arson.

If you are worried about the financial strain your mother may face by moving then maybe you and your sisters could either cut down on the extracurricular activities and maybe (if you do not already) get a part time job to help pay for the schooling etc. Do what you can to help your mother. Does she work?

[KTollef]

Well situation solved, once I finished school, my sisters are coming to live with me. I am getting us our own place away from my screwed up parents.
Thanks everyone for the advice.

[standing on the sidelines]

Well situation solved, once I finished school, my sisters are coming to live with me. I am getting us our own place away from my screwed up parents.
Thanks everyone for the advice.

That sounds like the best idea. It just sounds like your parents are toxic when together and it would be a bad enviroment for you and your sisters.

[billiechic]

I wish you good luck. It sounds like a good idea, but make sure you are able to provide both sisterly support and some sort of discipline. I hope your parents are willing to pay you child support, or put money into an account to cover your sister's expenses. Take care of yourself too.

[frustrated11]

could he no ask for child support from the courts?

[daddio]

It sounds to me like you have an extremely dangerous situation on you're hands. Not only is this man abusive toward you're mom but he has also made death threats. No matter what you're mother has done and how much he drinks this is absolutely not normal behavior and it is also illegal. I advise you to report this to the police - I came from a rocky relationship with a woman that I hated some days because of the things she did however even when I thought I was losing my mind I still never uttered death threats. If the police had knowledge of this I'm sure a restraining order would be put into place and he would not be allowed within 500 feet of the home or you're mom.

Take care and get help ASAP

[ipodtouch]

Oh my gosh K......you poor soul.....I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I have 2 children and the thought of them being in the middle of somthing like this makes me cringe. You evidently are old enough to be on your own but who is left at home...siblings......are they old enough to leave.....

Fact that the home is in your Mom`s name bodes well for her but even still, she needs to go to the local courthouse.....explain her situation and file for a posession of property and have your Dad evicted. Based on the circumstances, she should have a restraining order as well....SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE ON FILE that this is going on. Every time something happens, it needs to be reported so there is a paper trail of situations as they arise. You may have to testify that this is going on. PLEASE DO NOT feel guilty. Sometimes, tough love IS love nonetheless an they need help. I used to work for CAS.....this can turnout much worse if the propr authorities are not conatacted. DO IT NOW!! This is no longer your poblem......I know you love your parents but stay away....keep yourself on the right track...get help from the poper authorities.

BIG hugs for you.

[Gordy]

ipodtouch provides good advice. Your mom can easily have your dad evicted based on his behaviour. Have her seek legal advice, often times it's free and they will provide all the options.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Dude, you're bumping a thread from 2009.